3 Simple Relationship Question - Please Help!!! 1>9 , 49>34 , 58>48

[Cathalina]

The thing is, something feels different. Right before our last fight, which was right before Christmas, we always bounced back up. We fell in love effortlessly and given the fact that he has stood by me and endured me for so long, I trust he truly loved me. (I say loved because I can't help but wonder if the change is the start of him falling out of love with me). I am not selling myself short, though maybe because I am so aware of my faults and so apologetic it sounds almost redeeming. Sure, I have been a great girlfriend in many ways. Our chemistry was effortless and I could FEEL I made him happy. It's not that I am ignoring my good qualities... but my bad qualities are terrible. As Sooo said, I need to change because otherwise I will be back to square one. (I do want to change for myself but I don't want to lose him either! I want to change for HIM too!) Maybe my bad qualities don't sound too out of the norm but in me they are extreme. I really should have listened sooner (even my mom has told me about them). Part of why they don't sound so bad is because I am embarrassed to tell you in detail. I am even embarrassed of apologizing in detail to him because they are bad. My emotionally abusive ex used to tell me "you give more problems than you are worth." I know, I know, he was just being a jerk. But times like this I can't help but look at it, not so much from my overly emotional perspective but logically. I DO have a lot to offer, which is why someone as wonderful as him fell in love with me in the first place. But all on my own I have pushed him away. I think I didn't start this relationship right. I indulged in a lot of bad habits, I have let myself be self defeating, let myself be negative, I have had little self disciple (again, not in terms of cheating, I have no one to blame but myself) and because of how much love he showed me, I thought things were better than they were. Little by little I have been pushing him away without realizing, little by little I have been weakening our relationship. Now I can't help but wonder, is it too late???

The synergy was ALWAYS wonderful between us, even right after our many many past arguments (well sometimes it took hours or days but even so). But this last argument in which he was really open with me... I can't help but wonder if maybe the reason he was open in the first place is because he is just about done. In any case, I don't want to waste this opportunity thinking it isn't one. He IS still with me, he IS still showing me affection, he just seems different... and the synergy is not the same. But as I said, maybe it has to do with outside factors as well, he might be experiencing depression (which may or may not be related to our relationship).

 

[ginnie]

2. What can I do so that our relationship succeeds and moves forward?
Answer Hexl 49.2.5 -> 34

To add a little to what Mirian said, line 49.5 says that you know, even without asking the I Ching, what to do to move forward successfully. Just go ahead and do it!

3. What can you tell me about the future of our relationship?
Answer: Hex 58.2.3 -> 49

The two moving lines represent two different alternatives. 58.2 is a sincere sort of pleasing and that is good. But 58.3 is a forced kind of pleasing, and that brings misfortune.

I think you should continue to try to open the lines of communication so that you can get good feedback on your sincere efforts to improve this relationship. It sounds like there are a lot of bad habits to overcome! Best wishes!

 

[Cathalina]

To add a little to what Mirian said, line 49.5 says that you know, even without asking the I Ching, what to do to move forward successfully. Just go ahead and do it!



The two moving lines represent two different alternatives. 58.2 is a sincere sort of pleasing and that is good. But 58.3 is a forced kind of pleasing, and that brings misfortune.

I think you should continue to try to open the lines of communication so that you can get good feedback on your sincere efforts to improve this relationship. It sounds like there are a lot of bad habits to overcome! Best wishes!

Thank you very much Ginnie, your words and advice are very comforting.

I suppose I should stop wasting the opportunity I have by worrying. I should start changing, starting by how I see this situation. I shouldn't see it so negatively. After all, I didn't get hex 18 or hex 41 (or is 42 decrease) or hex 54...

Though 58.2 and 58.3 kind of scare me... Of course my intentions are pure. But I am not sure when I am forcing it and when I am withdrawing too much or what is in between. I have always been too intense and although this situation calls me to stop, it's difficult, especially considering my nerves regarding the situation.

Thank you everyone.

 

[ginnie]

Walk to a mirror, look into your own eyes in the mirror, and say these words to yourself: "I love you!"

You are quite a worrier and I think you might benefit from taking the Bach Flower Remedy called Aspen. The Bach Flower Remedies are available in some health food stores . . .

You see, your first priority has got to be your own nervous disposition. You must come up with ways to stop criticizing yourself and always 'taking your own temperature.' It's like you are always putting your fingers to your own pulse to see if your heart is still beating! You are in a state of anxiety and that has got to be your main priority: calming down.

Chamomile tea, taking warm baths, long walks in nature . . . books have been written about this, the ways to soothe the hyperactive nervous system . . .

 

[Trojina]

You had plenty of good advice in the thread and help with the reading...I just want to say I have doubts about this mental stance....from anyone

Overall we have been very compatible, very close, and very happy together. That is, except for some serious character flaws of mine that have been gradually pushing him away. I have been very jealous, possessive, critical, judgmental, moody. And what he tells me upsets him the most is not my selfish demands but rather the way I approach him.

Give your own emotional intelligence a bit of credit. If you have pushed him away it is because part of your soul wants to push him away because that is what you need. Even all the other 'flaws' you mention will have some truth for you. All of your own feelings, however dark and unwelcome will hold a truth for you, they are yours. It isn't only sweet feelings that count or that need to be heard. He is no saint....whoever he is, and you can't help things best by aiming to disown your own nature and feelings. Of course self examination and self reflection are worthy pursuits....it's just you sound like you don't even believe your feelings have a right to be there. I think a person should always hear their own feelings, notice them, however horrible they are. But don't disown or condemn them because they are valuable...always. Even jealousy and possessiveness. Because they are your truth you cannot just banish them or feel you 'shouldn't' feel this things.

I suppose I should stop wasting the opportunity I have by worrying. I should start changing, starting by how I see this situation. I shouldn't see it so negatively. After all, I didn't get hex 18 or hex 41 (or is 42 decrease) or hex 54...

Hang on let's count the shoulds and shouldn'ts...then I can say 'you shouldn't keep saying shouldn't'

What if how you feel and what you are right now is exactly the right and only place for you to be right now, 'flaws' and all. Why even call them 'flaws' you aren't like a broken pot, you are a human being contending with the pain of growing or not, as we all are.


wait I've found more self loathing

Oops, I guess I was just too anxious that I messed up

Give yourself as break ! ....Geez...

Have you ever thought of trying EFT..I might find a link somewhere. You can do simple tapping on your forehead for example whilst saying things like 'even though I am anxious I am still moving forward' it can help to reassure yourself that despite struggling with dark feelings, and it is a struggle when they come, you still are doing well, as best you can, and so on.

Though 58.2 and 58.3 kind of scare me... Of course my intentions are pure. But I am not sure when I am forcing it and when I am withdrawing too much or what is in between. I have always been too intense and although this situation calls me to stop, it's difficult, especially considering my nerves regarding the situation.

What was the question...I'll go check. I haven't read the whole thread so I may be repeating what others said

 

[Trojina]

3. What can you tell me about the future of our relationship?
Answer: Hex 58.2.3 -> 49
This one scares me. In my last relationship I got 49 right before everything turned really bad. Before the love died (then I started getting hex 18 and the hex that indicates another woman). Does this mean that our relationship will turn dry? Or could the change be positive? Or does can it mean that it depends on HOW things change? This answer is the hardest one for me to read.

In a nutshell I feel 58.3 counsels one not to have visions of some future glory but to stay in the now. It is only in the now that the revolution, the transformation (49) happens...and we cannot predict it. 58.2 shows open ness and communication. I think the reading then is asking you to focus on now not the future and to let things develop naturally in the NOW.

I myself have had 58.3 when I have had expectations of developments that were not very real or helpful. You have 58.2 so keep on communicating in the NOW and don't imagine you can know what this might become. 49 needs it's own time to happen.

 

[Trojina]

Here is a link, with freebies, to someone who I think can give simple EFT techniques that might help with being in the now, forgiving oneself, accepting oneself and so on http://clairephayes.com/

You asked about your relationship yet it is the relationship with yourself that has seemed to come to the fore in this thread....and this thread has attracted some great responses already

 

[Trojina]

.

That is, except for some serious character flaws of mine

I know why the word 'flaws' leapt out at me. Someone showed me some writing they'd done today and they wrote that flaws were the keys to the safe that held all that was most precious, that would lead to happiness. The flaws as keys to some locked thing that held valuables.

 

[Cathalina]

Walk to a mirror, look into your own eyes in the mirror, and say these words to yourself: "I love you!"

You are quite a worrier and I think you might benefit from taking the Bach Flower Remedy called Aspen. The Bach Flower Remedies are available in some health food stores . . .

You see, your first priority has got to be your own nervous disposition. You must come up with ways to stop criticizing yourself and always 'taking your own temperature.' It's like you are always putting your fingers to your own pulse to see if your heart is still beating! You are in a state of anxiety and that has got to be your main priority: calming down.

Chamomile tea, taking warm baths, long walks in nature . . . books have been written about this, the ways to soothe the hyperactive nervous system . . .

Thank you Ginnie. Yes, I am. I would say "I tried" but that would be my negative self-defeating attitude giving up too easily. I have been on and off with worry, mostly on. I'll try harder and follow your recommendations, thank you again.

 

[Cathalina]

Give your own emotional intelligence a bit of credit. If you have pushed him away it is because part of your soul wants to push him away because that is what you need. Even all the other 'flaws' you mention will have some truth for you. All of your own feelings, however dark and unwelcome will hold a truth for you, they are yours. It isn't only sweet feelings that count or that need to be heard. He is no saint....whoever he is, and you can't help things best by aiming to disown your own nature and feelings. Of course self examination and self reflection are worthy pursuits....it's just you sound like you don't even believe your feelings have a right to be there. I think a person should always hear their own feelings, notice them, however horrible they are. But don't disown or condemn them because they are valuable...always. Even jealousy and possessiveness. Because they are your truth you cannot just banish them or feel you 'shouldn't' feel this things.


What if how you feel and what you are right now is exactly the right and only place for you to be right now, 'flaws' and all. Why even call them 'flaws' you aren't like a broken pot, you are a human being contending with the pain of growing or not, as we all are.


wait I've found more self loathing




Give yourself as break ! ....Geez...

Have you ever thought of trying EFT..I might find a link somewhere. You can do simple tapping on your forehead for example whilst saying things like 'even though I am anxious I am still moving forward' it can help to reassure yourself that despite struggling with dark feelings, and it is a struggle when they come, you still are doing well, as best you can, and so on.




What was the question...I'll go check. I haven't read the whole thread so I may be repeating what others said

I AM giving my emotional intelligence credit with everything I have already said. It was NOT my intention to push him away, in fact the way I did it to him wasn't even a self defense mechanism. It's because I haven't matured spiritually or emotionally. In the same way I push him I have pushed other people (past boyfriends and friends some bad, some good, family - even my mom, who I love more than anyone and regard very highly). Pushing him away doesn't say anything more about me other than I have been weak and I have taken the easy way out. In the past I had a lot of opportunities to reflect and change for the better - for myself and for the people I love, but I didn't. I either refused to admit I had to change or I took an excuse out of it (for example, with my emotionally abusive ex, I had no incentive... I didn't feel apologetic for my flaws because I knew that no matter what I did he was a jerk and it would have come out one way or another.... but my bad characteristics definitely destroyed a good part of our relationship, despite his own sins).

I also highly disagree that all my feelings hold truth. I know from experience because they have defeated me. Trojina, you seem like a strong person. Of course, that is speculation, maybe you are or maybe you aren't. But if you are maybe that is why you are way off on me... I am weak. My dark feelings say I am weak. I let myself be weak. Do some hold hidden truths about me? Yes, a few. But most don't. It's trickery. It's my mind playing against myself. And when I say I shouldn't feel those things, what I meant to say was that I should manage them better and I shouldn't feel them to such an unhealthy extent. And I am not just talking about my feelings now, with this boyfriend. At the root there is insecurity, maybe someone lacking true faith, doubt, low self esteem... and a child (me). That needs to grow up. I think the problem is I have given myself waaay too many breaks. As much as I hate to admit it (especially times like this that I have something or someone truly valuable that I gained with my merits or by being myself, something pure) there have been signs for years... that I have been holding myself back from happiness. With my flaws. I push away the people I love the most, I push away or let good opportunities slide, I close my own world with my flaws and my negativity.

I can't give myself more breaks. If I do, they'll ruin me. Even if I DO lose this boyfriend. This HAS to hurt. I HAVE to learn. It's my only chance at being happy... otherwise it doesn't matter how many great loves or great opportunities there are or how many people love me...

 

[Cathalina]

I myself have had 58.3 when I have had expectations of developments that were not very real or helpful. You have 58.2 so keep on communicating in the NOW and don't imagine you can know what this might become. 49 needs it's own time to happen.

Thank you Trojina.

Here is a link, with freebies, to someone who I think can give simple EFT techniques that might help with being in the now, forgiving oneself, accepting oneself and so on http://clairephayes.com/

You asked about your relationship yet it is the relationship with yourself that has seemed to come to the fore in this thread....and this thread has attracted some great responses already

Thank you for the link, I will check it out.

Yes, my relationship with myself is very relevant to this question. If my relationship with my boyfriend fails, I believe it will be due to my relationship with myself. (Especially because I have been to ready to accept my flaws and not proactive enough to seek self improvement.)

 

[ginnie]

I think that you might learn not to blame yourself or other people for their flaws and faults, since everybody has them. We do not need to focus on what's wrong with ourselves or other people. That is just a habit and you can get out of it. A good healthy person disregards flaws and faults and just gets on with their life . . . warts and all.

When you notice that someone is wrong or you see a flaw in yourself, learn to smile silently.

 

[Cathalina]

I think that you might learn not to blame yourself or other people for their flaws and faults, since everybody has them. We do not need to focus on what's wrong with ourselves or other people. That is just a habit and you can get out of it. A good healthy person disregards flaws and faults and just gets on with their life . . . warts and all.

Thank you Ginnie. Well I'm not a very healthy person. But of course I want to be a healthy person. And not blame people for their flaws or their pasts. I'll try Ginnie.

When you notice that someone is wrong or you see a flaw in yourself, learn to smile silently.

But these aren't just flaws. They are toxic, self destructive, and they have caused me so much. When I see THESE things in myself it just makes me feel pain. Shame. I have a lot of strong role models that I aspire to be like and that give me their support when I need it. I have no one to blame but myself. I should know better.

A flaw (and I am using this term too forgiving... what I have been speaking of has been more like bad habits I deliberately create due to selfish decisions) is something bad... And my flaws/bad habits have caused me a lot. For example, if I see a physical imperfection sure my first instinct will be to cover it up or hide it. But if it's permanent, like a scar or a mark, eventually I'll give up and smile at it and embrace it. It's part of me, I'm a person, and we are not perfect. I DO understand that there is beauty in imperfections. But these aren't THOSE kind of flaws, these are self destructive. I can't smile at myself destroying myself...

 

[mirian]

Hi Cathalina,

The core of your readings is the answer to the question asked right at the beginning.

2. What can I do so that our relationship succeeds and moves forward?
Answer Hex 49.2.5 -> 34

Hexagram 49: revolution, molting, skinning, metamorphosis, it is all about change. Not an easy thing to do at all and that is why you are sort of going round in circles, recognising what you call your "faults", listing behaviour/attitude patterns that you don't like in yourself, but finding it very difficult to change things around. And this is not another fault for you to blame yourself. It is just because with this hexagram we are talking about a lot of transformation.

If I were in your position, these are the aspects that I would consider:

- Mental/intellectual change: work on the way you think, on a conscious level. Try to analyse things from a different perspective. Read books, go to seminars, discuss on forums. Stop your thinking process going on the same route again and again.

- Spiritual change: work on meditation, beliefs, let your spiritual being be touched by some sort of spiritual healing.

- Psychological change: Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. All changes need time to process, some of them are already happening, but are still on unconscious level, they need time to surface.

- Life style change: Take on something new. Change your diet. Start a hobby. Start a new physical activity (something you have never done before).

In my view, this is all embodied in line 5 of Hexagram 49. That is the line that you got, which (good news!) has all good prospects of success.

Hope it helps :bows:

 

[Cathalina]

Hi Cathalina,

The core of your readings is the answer to the question asked right at the beginning.


Hexagram 49: revolution, molting, skinning, metamorphosis, it is all about change. Not an easy thing to do at all and that is why you are sort of going round in circles, recognising what you call your "faults", listing behaviour/attitude patterns that you don't like in yourself, but finding it very difficult to change things around. And this is not another fault for you to blame yourself. It is just because with this hexagram we are talking about a lot of transformation.

If I were in your position, these are the aspects that I would consider:

- Mental/intellectual change: work on the way you think, on a conscious level. Try to analyse things from a different perspective. Read books, go to seminars, discuss on forums. Stop your thinking process going on the same route again and again.

- Spiritual change: work on meditation, beliefs, let your spiritual being be touched by some sort of spiritual healing.

- Psychological change: Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. All changes need time to process, some of them are already happening, but are still on unconscious level, they need time to surface.

- Life style change: Take on something new. Change your diet. Start a hobby. Start a new physical activity (something you have never done before).

In my view, this is all embodied in line 5 of Hexagram 49. That is the line that you got, which (good news!) has all good prospects of success.

Hope it helps :bows:

Mirian, your post made me very happy! Which is funny because just a few hours ago... I felt so sad. To touch on my original post, my boyfriend and I talked. While the issue is likely far from 'over' (him seeming distant, me needing to change, the direction of our relationship, etc) I was able to get some closure (and accept it as such). He reassured me, which to his credit he gad been doing all along (although not like before, I picked up reasons to worry). And I realized I've done all I can in "trying to figure it out". I analyzed myself, him, our relationship, what changed, why it could have changed, what I did right/wrong, how can I amend it, etc. All I can do now is trust his word (and why shouldn't I? I really do trust him, he has never let me down or deceived me). And his word is that we are okay. That the change in him is about him, not about us or me.

I am going to accept that. And in doing so I am giving him the credit he deserves and I am giving myself some credit to myself. And in doing so I am giving myself relief so that I can focus on self growth without the anxiety of loss or uncertainty. And lastly, in doing so I am finally approaching this whole situation the way I should and the way you've all advice - one day at a time, without anxiety of the future, letting it develop naturally.

Anyway, although I was finally feeling somewhat better about my relationship I still felt a very familiar sadness. I wondered if it was just my inner demons sabotaging me by destroying my peace of mind. It's sadness over an inevitable loss... but I wasn't necessarily thinking of my boyfriend. It was general. It was just an empty feeling that comes and goes a lot. Even when all is well it creeps up on me and scares me of things that could be... destroying my joy.

I don't know if it's a result of my 'flaws' or a cause. But it doesn't matter. Mirian, your post was very straight forward and practical and truly gives me a lot of hope in being able to change so that I may find inner happiness (and make the people I love happy too).

Sorry for such a long post... I wanted to tell someone about this.

 

[Cathalina]

Sorry for typos in last post, typing from a phone.

Mirian, again, that post was very helpful. I'll plan some of those changes right now...

Oh and Happy New Years everyone!

 

[Cathalina]

Conclusion: I don't mean to revive this thread and would appreciate if nobody else posted anything else here (I made a new thread) but I feel obligated to update this thread because this community has given me a lot of insight in I-ching readings just by searching for old threads.

In MY situation, now that it has developed some more, I honestly feel that 49 was more about the change of the relationship than how I should change. While yes, I did need to change (still do, a lot to work on), the recurring 49 was a warning (as were my dreams in which my bf told me he didn't love me anymore) that the relationship was going to change. As far as I know it IS still too soon to say if this is a phase or the beginning of the end. But the relationship has changed for the worst. From loving to distant... secure to insecure... stable to uncertain.