Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
Thank you, becalm. I walked away too, but it's unresolved for me. I think the reason I care about others' opinions is because I am afraid of judgement and because I have played along with this idea that I'm a caring daughter for too long. I wasn't really raised to hold my space, to know how I feel and to decide when something has reached my limit. Other people's expectations have always come first.The reading says be firm but with Love.
Me - I walked away from family abuse and all that went with it 20 years or more ago. Best things I ever did. Why do you care what other family members think?
Same for me and it's been a long, long road and a lot of suffering until I realised it's about me, not about them. I learned whatever someone gives you, positive or negative, you can Accept it or Not. I've finally learned to only Accept the positive and if I do fall back into my learned habit of Accepting the negative, I'm pretty quick now to rectify it.Thank you, becalm. I walked away too, but it's unresolved for me. I think the reason I care about others' opinions is because I am afraid of judgement and because I have played along with this idea that I'm a caring daughter for too long. I wasn't really raised to hold my space, to know how I feel and to decide when something has reached my limit. Other people's expectations have always come first.
Thank you dfreed, there are only two family members around - one is my father's distant cousin who considers himself the patriarchal prophet, giving orders and opinions without actually providing any practical help or asking what might help in the first place. The last time I saw him a few days ago he made a joke to my father aimed at me that they'll just have to chain me down to my father's chair so I don't run away. He then makes sure that he speaks over me if I try to respond or protest. The second relative is my step-brother who has kept himself away for years (we share the same father). He places a lot of blame on me, with aggressive pain of toxic communication, for being the preferred child. He oscillated between crying about his trauma and accusating me in raised voice without any questions to clarify or ease. I validated his pain and contained the space as this was the only way to make a step towards reconciliation. Little does he know I got the bad end of the stick - his father was absent, mine was present in ways that oozed presence in perverse, sneaky ways.A quick question for you - are you a son or daughter? And what is the family structure - what other brothers and sisters do you have? And where are you in this structure? e.g youngest, or middle daughter or son, or ???
Best, D
Rosada, thank you. I haven't stipulated any 24/7 or anything unreasonable in the contract. Actually, this contract has an emotional weight for me that just cements expectations I have internalised. Nothing much would change even if I dissolved the contract, it is the shame and low self esteem that drive it all because an adult daughter should look after the frail and helpless elderly father and the fact that I do then confirms I am an adult for others. I was never given the chance to properly grow up with my parents and extended family have always treated me without respect. This care is a compensatory mechanism to say I have risen above the shame of the house, portraying my father is eccentric and helpless as the community sees him. These are cognitive distortions masking the fact that he is a perverse and very subtle controlling personality who has been able to trigger a state of panic in me without saying a word all of my life. He did it again this morning by opening the door to where I was standing and walking into me so I had to walk backwards and nearly fell. It all happens without words and eye contact from him. He wouldn't answer if I addressed this, he has always just kept on walking in what feels like an act of severe violation. Once I stood up to him abd he hit me. I have ways normalised it. I know I need strength to deal with this, but I am exhausted from all of these years of carrying trauma, making a life for myself abroad on my own and the growth of it all. I feel like a snake thar shed it's skin and is too weak to crawl, but at least recognises the landscape for what it truly is. Thank you again, I really appreciate your thoughtful responseLooking at this again..
I'm thinking 37.3 - 42 could be the IC directing your attention to the contract you made about being your father's caregiver (37.3) leading to an inheritance (42) in which case it could be saying the first step to sorting things out with your father is to check out exactly what you agreed to in this contract (to be on call 24/7? Or something more reasonable like agreeing to handle his bills and grocery shopping). You may need to consult a lawyer. Possibly some organization that deals with elder abuse could give you some information without charge.
Remember the very first hexagram of the I Ching says "The superior man makes himself strong and untiring" so ya gotta take care of yourself before you can do anything for others!
Hello. You describe what feels like a very toxic situation for you - and probably others: shaming, no boundaries, insults, dishonesty, control .... And while I don't want to blame you, you seem to also describe ways that you are going along with this, that you're staying (or are trapped) in this situation out of shame, obligation, or some future financial benefit, ... or, you feel you have no options.I asked the Oracle how to sort out the situation with my father and received 37.3 to 42
Sounds like you are saying you know boundaries need to be put in place but you feel powerless to do this. Maybe ask the I Ching some follow up questions like "what should I focus on to regain my strength?" It doesn't have to be a big thing, just a thought to get you through the moment. When my girlfriends and I have talked about our various seemingly insurmountable struggles we will often conclude with, "But we still have our good looks!" A little laugh, but y
Dear friends, thank you for all the reflections, supportive thoughts and shared experiences related to this difficult topic. I think the common theme here is setting boundaries and that's what I've been trying to do. That's a complex matter. The main boundary that I can now keep is one within myself, knowing that I will not disintegrate. With this a lot has changed because I am no longer addressing my father with unmet needs from childhood and teenage years, no longer expecting him to see and make it right, no longer feeling a complete victim of circumstances. I have reparented myself to a degree and am now seeing myself survive acts of control from him. It feels like this is a matathon rather than a battle where a house, an era, a rule needs to fall and where I need to act with dignity if I am to oreserve myself. He agreed to a visit of a residential home.Same for me and it's been a long, long road and a lot of suffering until I realised it's about me, not about them. I learned whatever someone gives you, positive or negative, you can Accept it or Not. I've finally learned to only Accept the positive and if I do fall back into my learned habit of Accepting the negative, I'm pretty quick now to rectify it.
Yi and the members of this community have been a big influence into learning to be the Best me for Me.
You can do it. They're only a part of our lives until we go to Heaven and then poof they're gone!!
I wasn't clear on the answer though so rephrased the question only to get hexagram 8
Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).