Hex53ch2->57. How do you develop?

[elizabeth]

I just posed the following question to the I Ching and would like some help interpreting the answer.

Question:"What is the best way to approach my relationship with my mother at this time?"
Answer: Hex 53 Development (changing line 2) --> hex 57 Penetrating Gentle Wind

For 53: The Judgement:
Development. The maiden
Is given in marriage.
Good fortune.
Perseverance furthers.

The Image=
On the mountain, a tree:
The image of Development.
Thus the superior man abides in dignity and virtue,
In order to improve the mores.

The Lines
Change in the second place means:
The wild goose gradually draws near the cliff.
Eating and drinking in peace and concord.
Good fortune.
+++
Before I move to Hex 57, i wanted to try to dissect 53. The imagery above is unclear to me as it regards the situation I face. Brief background:

My mother has become increasinly estranged by her own choice from us three now adult children in the past 14 years. It has recently hit a new low and I would like to try to rectify it, partly for selfish reasons (even at 32, I miss and need a mother in my life). But also for unselfish reasons because I think she is doing damage to her own happiness in an attempt to cut us -- and anything else with closeness or meaning-- out of her life. She has been married to my father for 40 years and only the past four months has begun accepting affection from him. Growing up she treated him meanly, rebuffed even pecks on the cheek and slept in separate rooms from him. She is emotionally cold, does not deal well with emotional upset. When her parents passed away about five years ago she turned into a robot and everything became matter of fact. "Well, we're all gonna die someday". So since, by the time I was 27, I had lost my grandparents and realized I'd lost my mother alnog with them (or perhaps long before that) I decided to pursue a dream of living abroad and have been in Europe for 2 years now. I partly moved because my dream is to not only be a mother myself some day but to have a close family and be there for my children, understand them in a way my mother has never understood me. And the culture I live in has very close family networks, so I thought I might have more luck re-creating the family support network I dont have in the USA.

So in the hex above, I assume I am the wild goose, and I should gradually draw near her trying to "eat and drink in peace" ie to be together in harmony on an emotional/psychological level. The problem is that she won't let me, and if we are not talking about fake, fluffy topics, she shuts off and becomes silent or makes up some excuse of how she has to urgently do something like buy groceries. [Example: acceptable would be discussion about the weather, or a funny TV show. Unacceptable would be anything controversial (even a TV show), politics, any slight problem (how to get a foodstain out of clothing), difficulties with a coworker, or even a simple question that involves her such as when to plan a certain event. Anything that is less than 150% positive and joyful, and anything that requires her input is not acceptable, she tunes out and turns off.]
Incidentally we email, and probalby speak on the phone only once per week, and not for very long if she can help it.

So how am I to draw near as a goose would... if she wont let me? Does it mean I should just engage her in the fluffy, meaningless banter she wants, and then she will come around? Or is she the goose ?? Or does abiding by virtue mean i should step out of this altogether and stop trying? I am very tempted to do that, because this is causing me more pain than happiness, and there dont seem to be any (good) results.

I found this explanation online (http://members.ozemail.com.au) for hex53.

"hexagram 53 is the the transition of a loose 'yielding' relationship to one of firmness and strength. The penetrating wind restrained. (directed). In the image, by emphasizing one's mental powers it is hoped that this influences the common people and encourages them to better themselves. This does not occur overnight, maturing takes time. Contextually, we combine correct order and completion with modesty and evenness giving gradual development; maturing.
(In the traditional text, the spirit mentioned below is symbolized by a wild swan.)"

It is hoped that emphasizing mental power (telling myself i cannot change the situation? accepting it for what it is, and moving on without my mom in my life?)
the common people (my mother?) will start to better themselves?

If i step away, will she step forth?
Maturing takes time but she is almost 63. Is it not too late?

I found this explanation online for Line 2 -
"[One's spirit progressing towards stability]. Drinking and feasting. Favourable." [Stability implies controlling influence]

If i remain stable, that puts me in the driver's seat?
OR: is this just another example of her passive aggressive behavior, namely that by withdrawing and being "stable" and unemotional, she remains in the driver's seat, because she (thinks she still) controls everyone?
+++

Moving to the next hexagram, 57, gentle penetrating wind. This would be the result of me approaching as a goose in 53, if i interpret correctly. So the result is a gentle wind...

hex 57
The Judgement
The Gentle. Success through what is small.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.
It furthers one to see the great man.

The Image
Winds following one upon the other:
The image of the Gently Penetrating.
Thus the superior man
Spreads his commands abroad
And carries out his undertakings.

Is the superior man me, or her? The implication is that if I do what I'm supposed to do in Hex 53 then the result will be gentle changes (in the direction I would like). Correct?

Many thanks in advance for any help with this.

 

[dobro p]

"What is the best way to approach my relationship with my mother at this time?"

Answer: Hex 53 Development (changing line 2)"

53's about gradual advance, especially in the context of commitment of some kind, and often about relationship. 53.2 is about gradually reaching a stable place where you can strengthen yourself, and this is fortunate. So it sounds like the Yi is saying something like: "Work at this step by step until you get to a position in your relationship with her which is stable and which actually strengthens you, which you draw strength from."

And of course this will be fortunate. I'd say it's a good way to work at *any* relationship that's worth it. But the fact that you drew 53 means it's a gradual development. No overnight changes. Pace yourself. You'll see change over time, as you compare where you are with her now and where you've been in the past.

 

[elizabeth]

Phew. That is good news. Thanks dobro, I appreciate the additional input.

(now if only impatience weren't my worst trait! )

 

[jesed]

Hi elizabeth

Hope this link could be of any help

http://www.hellinger.com/international/english/hellinger_lectures_articles/how_love_works.shtml

Best wishes

 

[elizabeth]

Jesed, thanks for the link. There is some helpful information there (if only my mother could see it!)

 

[femke]

Hi Elizabeth

It sounds like a difficult situation and I think it is brave that you are willing to let bygones be bygones in order to attain a relationship with her now. I suppose you've had a lot of frustration about it, it sounds like a very difficult situation to be in if your mother has and gives such hard times.
I've once had 53 as a stable image when I asked what my relationship with a friend looked like. I doubted it, because we rarely saw each other (only twice a year or so), she didn't share a lot of feelings with me and became distant when I did, we merely talked about superficial stuff, what went on in our lifes. Discussing the facts rather than what we felt with them.
So I didn't really feel 53 with her. Apart from the food and drinks, when we met it was always in a nice, special cafe of some sort.
But now, I think 5 years later, we still don't see each other very often, but I've grown to appreciate the steadiness of this contact. We are a bit more intimate now, which makes me feel more relaxed, but the main thing is that the contact feels like it's never going to end, because it's low-maintanance and we have shared, be it on a distance, every one of each other's life events. Also, she always comes to my birthday parties and I come to hers.

Some people believe that in an answer to a relationship-question, the inner trigram represents yourself and the outer one the other. In this case, I think that makes sense also because the 2nd line is moving and you're asking for suggested action on your part. The mountain is a still place that allows many life-forms to grow by providing food and shelter. So I would interpret, staying still and centered, yet inviting towards her. Not pushing over her boundaries but keeping to your own ones as well for sure. I think in one of your posts on this subject you wonder if you should either go towards her or retract. I think Yi's saying neither: keep still and allow for her to approach.
And I would take the food and drinks literally, I think food is often a good way of being socially together without too much pressure.
I think the wild goose might be the life-long lasting bond between the two of you.

Good luck.

Femke

 

[rosada]

What an encouraging hexagram the IChing gave you Elizabeth! If you are artistically inclined, 53.2 would make a beautiful visual image to hang by your meal table. Or to send to your mom.

Hexagram 18 has interesting things to say about healing.
18.2 particularly: Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother.
One must not be too persevering.

"In setting things right in such a case, a certain gentle consideration is called for. In order not to wound, one should not attempt to proceed too drastically."