Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
Nevertheless, lately, these thoughts of him have become more frequent and stronger, up to the point of me looking for him online (something I completely banned myself to do). And I’ve found him, on a dating website, and finding him –of course- made me sick, but I guess I deserved it…curiosity killed the cat, right?
Since then I’ve been thinking that my strategy failed. Acting as if he didn’t existed has been something similar to be dieting and not allowing myself to eat certain kind of food. Somehow this kind of prohibition ends up triggering a stronger desire for that particular food; that’s how I can best describe it.
I’ve stopped stalking him online, and I’ve gone back to my self-help books, but I’ve got the feeling I’m not going on the right direction.
There are so many things I’d like to tell him –even if they don’t really matter anymore- , and I write them for myself, just to see if I feel better, but I don’t. I wonder whether I’m fooling myself into thinking that I need this communication just to have an excuse to get in touch again, or I certainly would need to do it in order to put closure to the whole thing. As if the whole thing wasn’t closed enough. The possibility of writing him is practically ruled out, because I’m not sure he would care (he’s got narcissist traits, but it’s not super high in the spectrum; so I think he’s got a slight capacity to feel), and I can’t afford to cope with a bad response from him, if that happened.
I’ve also started to think the whole thing could be a matter of forgiveness, and I’ve tried to forgive him, but in order to do that, I have to justify his behavior, but that road seem to lead to caring for him again, and that doesn’t look like a good idea. Despising him it’s the only way I can ignore him; as an addicted would have to do to overcome their addiction, but doing that is against my nature and leave things unresolved.
I want to move on, and I feel myself trapped into a cycle of denial, deep sadness, regrets I can’t express and wishful thinking.
I asked the I ching: “What would be the best action regarding to him?” And got hexagram 12.3.6 to 31.
I believe my reading talks about stagnation. If I take 31 as the backdrop of the question, it would mean I have to be receptive to what’s coming to my life (I guess it refers to the feelings I’m having). As for 12.6 indicates that, after a period of standstill (me not contacting him) I should get moving, since things don’t change on their own, that something has to be done. But what? Or maybe I’m not reading it right and the Yi is advising to carry on with my “non-action” plan (12.3) because eventually I’ll be fine (12.6). Any thoughts on my reading would be greatly appreciated. Getting over this guy is turning out to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. No matter how much effort I punt into building a new life, sooner or later the thought that when I lost him I lost my dreams too strikes me. Anyway, I know this might sound kind of obsessive, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Thanks again.
Perhaps something like, "I am so sorry to hear you are going through a bad time. I am in a new relationship* so it is not appropriate for us to stay in contact. However, I do wish you the best. Sincerely, MissWasabi."
By saying this you are acknowledging his suffering - which any kind person would do - but also you're making it clear that you are unavailable - that should make it obvious even to him that he is to no longer try to engage you. And of course if he does then still continue to try, you can not respond without any qualms.
Good luck!
Rosada
*The "new relationship" can be with your cat or yourself or whomever, but it's kinder to say you are in a new relationship than to imply being alone is better than being with him. Also this would fulfill 54, as you are responding as a Marrying Maiden, you're just not marrying him!
.
I don't think despising him is the only way to ignore him, you could regard him as something very bad for your health and well being, like cigarettes or excessive sugar consumption. You know he is bad for you so out of love and concern for your self and your well being you choose to stay away from him. I think this is more psychologically comfortable because it doesn't insist you crush longings for him, which is impossible as with cigarettes but that you simply cannot afford toxicity in your life. You have one body you don't want to screw up with bad habits and you have one heart you don't want to poison and wound with cruel and careless people. Think of your heart as a loving little puppy. You wouldn't want to give that puppy to someone nasty however attached the puppy was, no you would want to keep him safe and loved.
after a period of complete separation from your ex-partner with no communication your initial sense of peace, relief and self respect has started to spoil and turn cloudy because of the return of unrealistic fantasies/wishes about how it was between you two. You ruin your own peace with romantic but probably unrealistic thoughts of getting back together with this narcissist.
Lines 3 and 6 together speak about an emotional cycle that starts with a difficult obsessive thought process (line 3), but because you are able to self reflect, and with the help of the oracle, you are able to emerge from that state of mind and shine (line 6).
Changing to Hexagram 31 allow your inner self to guide you away from emotional turmoil and wait to do anything until you are feeling calm and confident. Do not blindly push forward, but allow yourself to continue to consider the situation and with the help of trustworthy friends and guides such as the IChing you will eventually align yourself with your guiding star.
Thanks again, danadanadana. I was interpreting 12.6 as a course of action, rather than as a result of non-acting process (12.3). The way I saw it was: "I'm not doing anything to get over him, so I should do something", but it might be seen as "allow the peace to come back without any effort, and eventually I will emerge from that state of stagnation". That would make sense. You know? One of the things I find more challenging of the I ching is the syntax of its language; it reminds me of when I studied ancient greek at high school and couldn't work out whether a syntagm was a subject, and object or a circumstance. Funny I'm encountering the very same trouble 25 years later And thanks for that little reminder about the cycling nature of life, because sometimes I stubbornly want to rush out of this cycles of feeling down, without considering that a more easy, aware approach to it would enrich my experience and give me "the deep inner strength and knowledge to anticipate and perhaps accelerate the shift back to peace." Thank you so much.:bows:The way out of stagnation is not action and resolute striving, but rather the way out is relaxation, allow the feeling of peace to come back in because peace is our natural state.
Interesting connection to breathing and ways to aspire (draw and release breath).These comments about Peace and Stagnation make me see this pair as describing exhaling leading to inhaling. Like after surviving stepping on the tail of the tiger, 10, you give out a big peaceful, 11, sigh of relief but then once you've blown all the air out of your lungs you're stagnant, 12, and you have to rouse yourself to inhale again. Maybe 13 is about when we then inhale we're taking in air molecules that have just recently come out of someone else's lungs so to breathe and stay alive we're having to fellowship with strangers from all over. Fortunately, this is a 14 Good Thing.
Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).