My ex is back. What is going on? 26.4.6>34 please help

[petra33]

Dear all,
my ex is back..
I had a chat with this (younger) guy after more than an year of silence. I unlock him on Facebook and as soon as he founded it out, he immediately got in touch (even though we are not friends on FB, we have a few friends in common) .

I had the impression he wanted to flirt by chat.
I stopped him immediately and I told him I know he has a girlfriend and that he was dating her while we used to see each other. And I heard they are engaged.

I thought about him all this time. I did not tell him that.
But I said (and it is true) he hurt me a lot, the thing I really wanted was to really know him. And maybe if we were speaking again was because we both needed a closure.
He said he was just curious to know why I unlock him..
I said I needed to release the tension that thing was causing on me (which is true). Obviosly (and I didn't tell him), I knew the was the chance he could get in touch, but I thought only in the case he wanted to clear the air, too.

Basically, during the conversation, he admitted he panicked at that time but denied to have seen both (her and me) at the same time. Or to have decided to officially date her just after I left him (the day after..almost waiting for me to know which one to chose?). He said he didn't want anything serious and that (anyway) "things change" and "the past is the past".
He is still a boy, I think.
I think he was wishing to get me back as a "sidekick".
I told him sex was out of the table and that I think is really sad to get married with someone you don't really love. Because if you really love someone, you don't cheat on her. He said he loves her "that much he is sure of" (?? like so "far I love her .. I don't know about the future"??)
We were polite, no harsh words... and then he asked me where I live now, I said it was inappropriate and look like he was seeking for sex. He denied and I pointed out he was not up to see me in a public place. Also that if he got in touch, perhaps he was sad about all the thing too, not just curious. I said if he was happy like that, I respected that.

of course I deeply disagree with his choices and his attempt to get sex left me empty, rather than disappointed.. Did I think all this time about such a sleazy guy?

I don't know if it was a real closure. I doubt it. I don't know.
I don't know him enough to know if he doesn't have any moral, any shame or if he is just too proud to admit he went (wrongly) for the "second best" (his actual girlfriend).
But why get in touch immediately after I gave him the chance?

So, I asked what is going to happen between us now? And I got 26.4.6 to 34.. Maybe 26 is the release of the tension accumulated all this time and saying clearly I was deeply hurt (therefore really into him). Line 4 is him (I faced him, the young bull and put him on track, refusing to flirt but actually telling him what I believe about his current relationship and what happen between us)?

I don't know how to see the rest of the toss, though .... Am I line 26.6? "One attains the way of heaven.Success". But what success? Get him back to start over new, or get my freedom (and chance to love again) back?
Can our conversation moved him so deeply to re-think about us?
I wanted him back. But if he is such a bad person, that brings me to go against my morals and my right to have an healthy romantic relationship with someone I don't want anymore. I deserve true love. I don't want such a person: if he is not the one I thought to be in love with.
If he is confused I can be patient, but if he is just like this, I don't want to see him ever again. I am not going to miss him ether.
Things between us are going to improve or I gonna to improve leaving all this story on my back?
Nothing is impossible, but this last conversation doesn't leave that much space for hope, to be honest..

Please, give me your opinion.
All the best to all and thanks xx
God bless all!

 

[butterfly spider]

Hello
I cannot tell you what to so on this one - reading through your post it feels as if you know what this is somehow

What I can say is that 26.6 is saying that you are in a place that is the best for you right now - that things could have been much worse in this scenario. It is my favourite line and
The outcome has always been positive in some way. Not always the positive that I had wanted but like a friendly pay on the back ...

Did you really want this person back in your life -

 

[rosada]

I feel 26.4 is saying you put a stop to his hints about possible sexual relations and that this is a good thing. 26.6 is saying you left the possibility of further contact open as long as it is understood that you are not available for sex.
34. says you are not interested in any sort of inappropriate relationship - the superior man follows the rules!

So as far as what the future holds it seems to me that you have made it clear you are not interested in knowing him if he is engaged and wanting you on the side and the I Ching encourages you that you have made the right decision and should stick to it.

 

[petra33]

Dear butterfly spider and rosada (and dear all),
first of all, thank you very much for your reply.

You both gave me a good encouragement..
I waited long time to say those things, maybe he said (between the lines) "too much". I think he was always hoping to get me back somehow but always on the side. And this because he is still a boy and he thought that for me it was not that important (to be honest, at first I did not think I could suffer for him that much).
He text me another time saying he is glad to know I am happy, and that he is happy too. He wish me all the best and he hopes that one day we will be friends.
Obviously, I did not reply anything at this. I don't have to say more.
Probably, we both would like to do not lose each other, but right now it is impossible any relationship. I think there is a really strong attraction between us. Probably we cannot handle it, yet. And from the actual situation it seems to be a "never" rather than a "yet". I don't want to lose him, but he doesn't give me so many choices. What I know for sure is that I was clear (as rosada pointed out). My question was about what is going to happen. So, probably it says that we will follow the rules from now, because I am strong enough to stick on my decisions and morals. And that it will probably leave the chance in the future to have a relationship. Maybe if he will ever split up he will know to do not come back unless we do things really slowly end exclusively. I am expecting he will get in touch again, but I am not so sure in the way I really would like. I don't want him like he is now (immature); I am up to change my mind if he starts to follow "my rules".
Do you think the toss says anything about it, or it is just a picture of what that just happened? In any case, I am happy it says I am on the right track
Thanks a lot for your time and all the best and bless.

 

[rosada]

Dear Petra,

Was the last email you received from him the one where he wished you the best and hoped perhaps someday you would be friends? If so I think it is a mistake not to reply to that. If I had an ex who wrote me such an email I think the mature response would be to email him back something like,
"Thank you, ______.
I appreciate that and I wish you the best too.
Sincerely,
Petra."
Not responding is a kind of manipulative way of keeping the other person thinking about you and probably feeling bad too - not good role modeling if you are wanting to have a mature relationship!

jm2c, Rosada

 

[petra33]

Dear rosada, I appreciate your advise, but the thing is a little bit different.
He suddenly stopped the communication. Probably we were interrupted or he didn't see the point to keep talking. Then I left him saying at the end I respected his decision and to take care.
He didn't say anything about what I said about feeling bad rather than curious and a lot of other things.
I said "bye" and he said "bye" in his way.
Add something else it was bad for me (first of all because I don't know if he really mean it).
Reply what you advise to me, it would be a lie. A lie that also he could use against me in the future if we will ever get in touch again.
Explaining why for me it could be too hard to be friends right now (and probably ever), it could sound pathetic and probably he is not up to listen to at the moment or (worse) it can give him the reason to insist to get a secret/sexual relationship.
Say "we will see in the future", was sounding a little bit cheeky and like keeping the conversation open (and we need separated way right now).
In other words, rather than be polemic and aggressive or be like his doormat, I left him the last word on it. I said already I respect his choices and I am starting to take him literally. Also if we keep exchanging texts that do not add anything on what we already said, it's not a good choice in my opinion: it can make me weaker and tempted to compromise. And I have to put myself and my personal balance first.

I don't know if I sound confused now..

If I say "for me, we can never be friends", is the discomfort that I feel now... and it can change in a short time.. Maybe one day.. who knows? But I don't even want to "a priori" put us into the "friend zone": so many things need to happen before!
Also, Nothing says that if he will ever split up, we then turn friends or more.
I didn't want to make him feels more guilty for my sadness (at the end he is the real reason) or pretend I am strong enough right now.

I don't think to have done something manipulative; on the contrary, I am trying to avoid to do the mistake to start talking now when we are not "on the same page".. actually, right now it seems a different book

Anyway, thanks for your comment: I don't think I will reply anything (because a few days passed by already). But I will keep on mind your considerations.
All the best to you and to all.

 

[petra33]

Dear all (but especially rosada, eheh!)
I thought about this conversation and what happened; Also Hex 34 says that even though I am in a powerful position, I have to use this power with kindness and responsibly.
So, in order to manage my ego and keep doing things with an open hart (avoiding future regrets), I text my ex back.
After a few days, an appropriate quick answer pop into my mind and I have decided to send it. I text this: "I don't know if I will ever be able to be your friend. But thank you for this last message. All the best to you too".

And the day after I ask the I Ching what he is going to do (not generally speaking, but about me). And the answer is 20.6 to 8
Is it like, the conversation have had a strong effect on him and now he is thinking about from a different/more objective point of view? 20 and 20.6 seems something out of the ego. Maybe he is looking inside of himself more honestly right now? Maybe he is starting to take his responsibilities about the all this (at least with himself)? 8 Could be the desire to reunite, but not necessary as a couple. Maybe to talk in person (as I asked at first)?
In some point it is really positive because he is starting to analyze what happened more honestly, and out of his backgrounds and fears. Like "ok, my family likes my girlfriend, she is alright (the girlfriend), there is a wedding planned.... but what I really want out of the others expectations and opinions?"

The outcome it is not necessary "on my side".
Or maybe I can be more optimistic, considering that I was really clear about not be his "sidekick lover" and about my difficulties to see us as friends (if he is keeping stay with her). I believe that if he asks me to see each other, he knows my conditions.
Is the toss including what he wants to do with me?
The question was referred to me too.
It is funny, because really often we ask about others feelings and thoughts and the I Ching kind of refuses to answer. Now I was more interested about his actions and the answer seems to talk more about his emotions..
I don't know if it says that this is not the end but a new beginning for us. Honestly, if we ever meet again to talk about us, I don't really know what can happen. It is unpredictable and the idea scares me a bit..

Any thought?

Thanks anyway and all the best to all

 

[rosada]

I see 8. Seeking Union as being about having very clear boundaries. Like after 7.The Army the war is over and you stay on your side and I'll stay on my side and THEN we can talk about whether there is to be any connection, any union. So in this reading I think 20.6 is saying he's giving your whole relationship a wide view, putting it all in perspective to understand how to relate to you. My own opinion is that if he honestly looks at the big picture he will realize that any friendship with you must be out in the open where everyone can see it. That would mean you becoming friends with his wife too.
rosada