We broke up. What now? 28.4 - 48

[Phaboo]

We've had a 3 year relationship, we're both 28 and we've been wanting to move together for a long time, but we always had lots of obstacles ahead of us. She graduated last year and she has been looking for a job since, while I live in another city and am expected to graduate this October. We planned to move in together after I graduate. We imagined our life together, really. In the last couple months she even fantasized about having kids. But, I happen to be a musician graduating in music composition and I'm pursuing this career knowing that I'll be facing lots and lots of hardships. Counting the pre bachelor years, it has been 9 years of studying. And during the last three years, she says, it's been "one crisis after another", referring both to myself and us, because she's the kind of person that feels the urge to take care for you whenever you're struggling for something even if there's nothing you can do other than being on their side. And being with me, struggling with financial hardships and uncertainties about the future and simply lots and lots of pressure has been exhausting. This escalated this summer when we both came back to our hometown for vacation. But I haven't took any more than a couple of holidays because I'm graduating this October and I've been orchestrating a small opera that I've wrote during this year for my graduation in music composition. I almost spent all year without going out or just relax in order to achieve that, expect when I took a train and stayed to her place and viceversa. But when we came back to our hometown I almost never asked her out and when we did see each other, mostly with other people, I was visibly stressed out. Being with my parents makes things even worse because I have even less space and time for myself than before while the work to do stays the same. I wish I could say this is just temporary, but the reality that she showed me and that I can't deny is that after a project always comes the next one and that I always, always struggle to succeed. Not that I'm not good at what I do, I won a couple of prizes and received many appreciations, and everyone in the field suggest me I should pursue this and even go abroad. She thinks the same and if I were to move in her city, I would have to be something like an employee in order to sustain ourselves and I would probably put really little focus on my music/teaching career, which requires years to get you a stable income. Nothing wrong with that, I never asked for glory, I just wanted to do what I'm good at and what I love, it's just that it requires sacrifice. But I would have never, even if I unconsciously did it, sacrifice our relationship for that. I would have happily slowed down this career pursuing, doing a more simple job just in order to be together. But if she has her doubts (she said she wasn't really sure that breaking up with me was the right thing to do and that she still loves me) and it she realized she is not happy anymore living like this, she just can't make me do a major life decision like moving in together.

In my native language I asked something which literally translates as "and now, what do I do?" But it was more of a sigh thing, like "what now?". Because honestly I always imagined my future with her and I don't have a clue of where I should go, literally. The answer is pretty clear but this excessive pressure, this going further without proper foundation, I can't tell if it refers to my career or wanting to be with her. Or both.

One thing to note is that hexagram 48 has been a recurring hexagram in my relationship questions in the past, even with other people. I used to think of it as positive regarding us, because I knew her since we were 14 years old and I always liked her but for one reason or another we never had a chance of being together, mostly because she moved away after high school. I thought, maybe she's the one and that's why I couldn't be happy with anyone else, no matter how I tried. "You can change the city, but can't change the well". I thought our love was the well, and this recurring hexagram was telling me I had to look at someone I've known for a long time, that I wasn't considering because we were too distant.

 

[Phaboo]

I should add that I had a couple of other questions in the previous days, since she was gone silent after a fight and before we finally had "the talk". During this silence I asked what she was thinking of me: 38 opposition, unchanging. Then, how could we solve this opposition: 53 gradual progress, also unchanging. She reached out only to say she was confused and didn't know what to do but needed more time to think. It seemed she had mixed feelings and I began to wonder if she was just giving me a silent treatment because she was upset, so I asked why she was doing this: 5 waiting... Unchanging. Finally, I asked what what I should do with her and I got 34.2.3, which I saw as an advice not to get all defensive and be really mindful while we would finally talk. The second hexagram, 51 shock, probably referred to the shocking outcome of that talk. But it's curious because 51.1.4 was the first hexagram I've ever got regarding her when I asked what was the potential with her. And there was a shock in the sense that were was a lot of attraction and it all happened so quickly.

 

[marybluesky]

Hello Phaboo,

In my native language I asked something which literally translates as "and now, what do I do?" But it was more of a sigh thing, like "what now?"

The literal translation of "and now, what do I do?" implies the exact same thing in my native language, too.

I interpret the casts a bit intuitively:
28.4> 48 sounds like the relationship is solid itself, there are external things that cause problem.

38 says at that time she felt alienated from you.

53 gradual progress says it takes time to solve the problems but it's possible. 53 is good for whatever end you have in the mind. And it's the hexagram of marriage.

5 ... waiting is needed. Again, time.

34.2.3>51 it's a shock, be strong. Go on with your life for the moment. Don't force your relationship to rekindle, but make a net, little by little.

But it's curious because 51.1.4 was the first hexagram I've ever got regarding her

I was reading that post today. I remember your story.

 

[Hans_K]

I think the situation you describe prior to, and after the break-up is well summarised by H28.
The text of the judgement says: "The ridgepole sags. It is beneficial to have somewhere to go." It describes a situation of great stress and tension that needs to be released.
The text of the Image says: "Thus the superior man, when he stands alone, is unconcerned, and if he has to renounce the world, he is undaunted."
When you look at these texts from the point of view of your passion for your music studies, they seem to describe the situation quite well.

Trigram Lake in H28 changes to Water due to the moving line at the 4th position. The change from Lake to Water shows that a boundary is being broken open. The water standing still in the lake can start flowing again. The moving yang line shows that you want to take charge in this situation, to do something, but the situation actually demands you to follow. Every action taken here is “dangerous” because you cannot oversee the consequences.
When this line changes, you get H48. This is the hexagram of the unchangeable, the things in life that are of principle importance that they cannot change.
The text of Judgement talks about how you can change the town but not the well. So the question is what is your well/source? What is it that will never change for you?

This would be my interpretation. I hope you can get something out of it.
As always, take what resonates and leave the rest

 

[Phaboo]

I was reading that post today. I remember your story.

Wow, it's been three years and it's really moving to see that. What a wonderful community. I also remember that you helped to shed some light in other castings. And this time as well... I really appreciate it, thank you.

I interpret the casts a bit intuitively:
28.4> 48 sounds like the relationship is solid itself, there are external things that cause problem.

When we broke up she said that she still loves me, "but feelings are not everything"...

38 says at that time she felt alienated from you.

True. From her point of view I wasn't being myself anymore and she felt I was pushing her away subconsciously.

53 gradual progress says it takes time to solve the problems but it's possible. 53 is good for whatever end you have in the mind. And it's the hexagram of marriage.

5 ... waiting is needed. Again, time.

34.2.3>51 it's a shock, be strong. Go on with your life for the moment. Don't force your relationship to rekindle, but make a net, little by little.

I agree. I'm trying not to cut contacts but also not to pursue her. Today she contacted me and she asked me how I was, and she told that she don't want that we lose each other. I answered that it won't happen as we've been knowing each other for many years even before being together, and that I can't tell for sure how I'm going to process this changes, and she can't tell either, but I'm sure we will cross paths again as we always did. To be honest I don't want to ghost her not only cause she deserves much better but because I don't think the "no contact rule" always applies, at least not so strictly. But if she left me she also must reflect on what she's missing. I can't just stay be as available as before I guess. It's a fine line...

The text of the Image says: "Thus the superior man, when he stands alone, is unconcerned, and if he has to renounce the world, he is undaunted."
When you look at these texts from the point of view of your passion for your music studies, they seem to describe the situation quite well.

Haha yes! She used to mock me saying that I live like a monk also where I study I live in an attic... So I literally bump my head in the roof beams sometimes

When this line changes, you get H48. This is the hexagram of the unchangeable, the things in life that are of principle importance that they cannot change.
The text of Judgement talks about how you can change the town but not the well. So the question is what is your well/source? What is it that will never change for you?

I used to think it was the fact that we're soulmates, and that even if we split apart many times as friends and now as a couple, we're meant to be together. But maybe I'm just overly romantic. Probably the well is my purpose in life. What gives me a sense of direction and mostly is music, even if sometimes I feel this like a burden, but it's like with every other form of commitment I guess. It's like being married with music. Thank you Hans!

 

[Hans_K]

Probably the well is my purpose in life. What gives me a sense of direction and mostly is music, even if sometimes I feel this like a burden,

I didn't want to sound rude in my interpretation, but from your whole story, it appears to me that your greatest love, is the love of music. It probably goes beyond love and is rather a passion you cannot deny. The Yi's response seems to point in a direction to focus entirely on that now. By the way, this says nothing about how the relationship with your ex-girlfriend will develop.

 

[Phaboo]

I didn't want to sound rude in my interpretation, but from your whole story, it appears to me that your greatest love, is the love of music. It probably goes beyond love and is rather a passion you cannot deny. The Yi's response seems to point in a direction to focus entirely on that now. By the way, this says nothing about how the relationship with your ex-girlfriend will develop.

You didn't sound rude at all, it made me smile! It's true what you say. I wish I could have made space for both but the reality is that I've always prioritised music, otherwise I would have regretted it.

 

[marybluesky]

I wish I could have made space for both but the reality is that I've always prioritised music, otherwise I would have regretted it.

Phaboo,

this time it is me who hopes not sound rude. Just some questions.

your girlfriend has needs, she had counted on your future together and for keeping on the relationship with you she has to sacrifice many things. On the other hand, I remember you saying in another thread that you started feeling attracted to "fit" girls on the Instagram because your girlfriend had let her go at the time.

Well, how would you feel if you put much time on the music, let go of yourself for a time and she started to be attracted to "fit" guys? Or simply she starts to be attracted to rich guys?

How would you feel if you sacrificed your wishes, tolerated difficulties and at the end of the day, learnt that you haven't been her priority and she isn't willing to let go of things in her life for you?

Excuse me really if this sound rude but it's a real question of mine.

 

[Hans_K]

Phaboo,

this time it is me who hopes not sound rude. Just some questions.

your girlfriend has needs, she had counted on your future together and for keeping on the relationship with you she has to sacrifice many things. On the other hand, I remember you saying in another thread that you started feeling attracted to "fit" girls on the Instagram because your girlfriend had let her go at the time.

Well, how would you feel if you put much time on the music, let go of yourself for a time and she started to be attracted to "fit" guys? Or simply she starts to be attracted to rich guys?

How would you feel if you sacrificed your wishes, tolerated difficulties and at the end of the day, learnt that you haven't been her priority and she isn't willing to let go of things in her life for you?

Excuse me really if this sound rude but it's a real question of mine.

Although the question may or may not be justified, it obviously has nothing at all to do with the I Ching and the purpose of this forum. People come here for help with an answer they have received from the Yi and not to justify to others about matters in their private lives.

 

[marybluesky]

Although the question may or may not be justified, it obviously has nothing at all to do with the I Ching and the purpose of this forum. People come here for help with an answer they have received from the Yi and not to justify to others about matters in their private lives.

I don't see it this way.

Here the details of private lives are shared and the casts are interpreted based on them.

Phaboo can ignore my question, or all my posts, or write me in the PM, etc. I'm not forcing him to justify or anything. He is being open about his feelings, which is good.

So long as I know there's no rule here that urges you to talk only about the cast, however if such a thing exists, I have no problem moving my last post elsewhere.

No answer is unbiased. Here people explain the context and their feelings and ask for others' opinions. If someone wants pure, unbiased answers (even though no translation is 100% unbiased either) they can simply download Bradford's book's PDF (that is of excellent quality) and consult it. Something I do more often than not. That said, I don't pretend not to enter my personal views and take of events in the interpretation. If the OP doesn't want it they can simply ask me to not bother with their posts anymore. I have no problem with that.

And last but not least, I don't see my questions to be more subjective than this quote of yours:

it appears to me that your greatest love, is the love of music.

You have already an assumption while I just asked the questions.

PS: Of course your take of the reading can be very true. In this case the girl's decision to break up has been the right thing to do. If I'm convicted of it, I'll edit my reads. Everything is relative.

 

[Hans_K]

You have already an assumption while I just asked the questions.

Small correction, I make my assumption based on his own story

but from your whole story, it appears to me that your greatest love, is the love of music.

Counting the pre bachelor years, it has been 9 years of studying. And during the last three years, she says, it's been "one crisis after another", referring both to myself and us, because she's the kind of person that feels the urge to take care for you whenever you're struggling for something even if there's nothing you can do other than being on their side. And being with me, struggling with financial hardships and uncertainties about the future and simply lots and lots of pressure has been exhausting. This escalated this summer when we both came back to our hometown for vacation. But I haven't took any more than a couple of holidays because I'm graduating this October and I've been orchestrating a small opera that I've wrote during this year for my graduation in music composition. I almost spent all year without going out or just relax in order to achieve that, expect when I took a train and stayed to her place and viceversa. But when we came back to our hometown I almost never asked her out and when we did see each other, mostly with other people, I was visibly stressed out. Being with my parents makes things even worse because I have even less space and time for myself than before while the work to do stays the same.

In my opinion, given what he writes himself, it is a correct assumption.

 

[marybluesky]

Seems reasonable given his last post.

I change my reads:
28.4: the pillar is solide. The rest create problems.
38: the same reading.
53: time heals.
34.2.3: go on with your life, don't force anything with her.

34.3 is very to the point here: she shouldn't force anything either. And I think she has realized it. Given all the problems that aren't going to be solved any time soon and the fact that despite being in a relationship the two have met each other just in social gatherings, without proper communication in a long time, and the fact that she is not a priority despite having tolerated this situation for a good time, I think she has done good not to push the relationship anymore. Good for both parties.

 

[Phaboo]

Phaboo,

this time it is me who hopes not sound rude. Just some questions.

your girlfriend has needs, she had counted on your future together and for keeping on the relationship with you she has to sacrifice many things. On the other hand, I remember you saying in another thread that you started feeling attracted to "fit" girls on the Instagram because your girlfriend had let her go at the time.

You can ask me whatever you want. I appreciate the effort you're putting and I agree that personal information matters, otherwise I wouldn't be sharing this with you. Honestly I didn't remember if I said that exactly, but lots of things happened since that. To begin with, the fact that I may felt attracted to other women didn't change anything how I was attracted to her and loved her. I may have but I never act on it or binge watched profiles, it's not like it seems you're assuming, I was simply concerning that she may was letting herself go and I was analyzing my own feelings. I've never brought this into conversation nor I was conditioned by that, eventually it was her who began to feel insecure about her body, and not because of me, I always told her how beautiful she was in whichever shape and really meant it. Eventually she developed a light form on anorexia, she blamed her mother for that (always telling her to put on a diet ecc, but she was insecure about her body since she was teenager) and now that's where I became really concerned, but I haven't talked of it here (the period you were referring to was from 2 years ago). Luckily it didn't get too much serious (she actually never became underweight, but psychologically it was really bad) and she is fine now. She used to brought up pictures of that period to say "I don't want to become like this anymore" and I always replied that I loved her the way she was and I always found other pictures where she looked absolutely beautiful, because she really was. What I was concerned at that time was the symptom, that she may becoming depressed or lazy in someway, not the fact that she was less attractive because in reality that wasn't even true. And then when she started to become obsessed about her weight I even wished things could return to that period.

 

[marybluesky]

Thanks Phaboo. I admire your transparency.

 

[Phaboo]

Seems reasonable given his last post.

I change my reads:
28.4: the pillar is solide. The rest create problems.
38: the same reading.
53: time heals.
34.2.3: go on with your life, don't force anything with her.

34.3 is very to the point here: she shouldn't force anything either. And I think she has realized it. Given all the problems that aren't going to be solved any time soon and the fact that despite being in a relationship the two have met each other just in social gatherings, without proper communication in a long time, and the fact that she is not a priority despite having tolerated this situation for a good time, I think she has done good not to push the relationship anymore. Good for both parties.

What it "the pillar"? I don't know what changes from the last reading. Now, it's not rude and I appreciate your honesty, but it seems that I said something that makes you feel that now I'm not worthy of her anymore, and you brought up things from the past to confirm that, that is somehow related to your other recent thread that I wanted to reply even if I'm not an I Ching expert. Just to say that being attracted to other women, as long as you don't act on it by cheating on your girlfriend and hurt her in any way, is ok for me.

I wish I could have made space for both but the reality is that I've always prioritised music, otherwise I would have regretted it.

I don't know how that changes your reading. Yes I prioritised music but it's not like I've done it for the sake of it, but because I didn't have other choices and I even said that I feel this like a burden. This year I rushed a lot for graduating in October in order to move in her city in November. Otherwise I could have took another semester because the scholarship (as barely sufficient as it is) lasts until February. I could have slowed things down but she wished me to move in with her asap. Same goes for this summer: have I slowed things down, I wouldn't be still in a rush. I really wanted to enjoy the summer with her, but there are many problems in my hometown that are a bit lengthy to explain here but they basically got in the way of our intimacy whereas during the year we could live together for small periods, etc. I may have looked selfish but in all honesty I was doing this for her too, otherwise I would have approached things much differently this year. With the little spare money and time I had I never went out or meet new people in the city where I lived, instead I always took a train to go to her place etc. I know personal information matters but a 3 year relationship has too much history to fit in a post so sorry if I may accidentally leave some part.

 

[marybluesky]

Phaboo,

First of all I didn't think for an instance that you weren't "worthy" of her. It's not a question of worth, it's about priorities.

Your explanation in your last post makes thing clearer.

I don't know about readings. Take what you can relate to. However I'd say there has been a lack of work(study?)-relationship balance for a long time as you say, and it wasn't going to change in near future.

you brought up things from the past to confirm that, that is somehow related to your other recent thread

Yes the topic is related to my other thread but I wasn't aware of that when writing my post here. Everything is complicated and correlated in my life just now, so maybe I repeat some themes.

Just to say that being attracted to other women, as long as you don't act on it by cheating on your girlfriend and hurt her in any way, is ok for me

It will lead to a long, long discussion. So I leave it here: if you assume the same for your girlfriend- that it's OK for her to be attracted to other guys without acting on it- , then good.

 

[Phaboo]

Just wanted to share some thoughts I had during these days. I've now finished the work that troubled me so much during this year, and I realized that part of the meaning of Great Power 34 and Great Exceeding 28 was, very simply, that I had too much yang, too much creative energy, too much thinking mind. I was being very self-centered and a lot less sensitive than I normal am, and neither my own heart or the relationship could sustain this (28). I think the thing that most of all ruined everything was my inability of feeling comfortable with being vulnerable in the relationship, I sensed for a long time that there was something wrong about some dynamics but my reaction was shutting down my emotions and avoiding conflict or getting defensive if I couldn't avoid it (34.3). The Well (28.4 -> 48) I think is about getting in touch again with my true self, with being more heart-centered and relearning how to love, not necessarily in a romantic relationship but in general. I've been isolating myself a lot from my friends and my family too.

About my ex girlfriend: in the days following the breakup she contacted me almost everyday to ask me how I feel. I was really confused and I felt like I had to detach myself from her, or at least needed some space to process my feelings, so I was gentle but also a bit distant in the way I replied to her texts. She even told me that she missed me a lot and that she was feeling really stupid, but I didn't comment on that because it really puzzled me.

Eventually, she stopped initiating contact with me for a week and I didn't know whether to text her or not, she seemed really confused and I think we both needed space in that moment. I asked "what should I do with her?" 15 integrity. I think it meant to be clear and honest with my own feelings, not to act as if I don't miss her just to seem tough. Still, I was forcing myself not to text her, and after a few more days I asked "what if I text her?" 9.2.5 -> 22 which I interpreted as "nothing wrong with that, but don't expect too much". I also asked "what if I don't text her?" 29.2 -> 8 which although legit was a less appropriate way for the situation because of the bond we still have (8).

So eventually I texted her just to ask her how she was doing. She said she is feeling really lost but she's looking for a job and she's considering moving abroad, in case there are some job opportunities, while I'm considering applying for a PhD abroad. We were both really kind and affectionate and it felt really good even though "useless" (22).
If I have to be honest, I still have a lot of feelings for her, so I asked "what are the odds of us coming back together?" 31 unchanging. It seems to relate with gradual progress 53 unchanging, which I got before we broke up, asking how to solve our conflict, and they are both related to marriage.
I don't expect things to change in the near future and I don't want to have false hopes, but these two hexagrams, along with The Well 48, seem to point out that despite things didn't work out, it doesn't mean that they wouldn't someday (note that we've been friends for ten years before being in a relationship, but the majority of the time we were apart for some reason or another, but we eventually always found again each other).

The thing that resonates me the most with 31 is that the yang allows the yin to be in a privileged position. The mountain goes below the lake, so if there's even the slightest chance this time I will have to allow myself to be vulnerable. Also the very first question I asked before our first date "what's the potential with her" 51.1.4 -> 2 in retrospective also seemed to point out in this direction: less ego, less defensiveness.

 

[marybluesky]

Interesting introspection Phaboo.

I'd just say that give her space, as you say, and don't rush things before finding a good way to change the patterns.