I had a very bad childhood and had to suffer from my mother in later years as well ... in 2006 finally I moved far away and lately I felt I didn't want to take her calls anymore, I can't explain it really (maybe all this love I never received, all the beatings, all the nastiness, spitefulness when she forced me to give away my dogs which happened twice) .. So today she called and I told her I don't want her to get in touch with me anymore, that she was bothering me when she calls and that I want nothing to do with her anymore. I hung up and really sat there crying for 2 hours.

I then wondered if what I had done was right or wrong and I asked the I Ching

"What should I do/how should I act when it comes to my mother??"

The answer the I Ching gave me was:

38.3.5 > 1

I don't think I know what this answer means. .. please somebody help .. this whole situation is like freeing me but tearing me apart and torturing me emotionally at the same time. Please help - please tell me what the answer means

love
Nykki

38 is both opposition and diversity and disunion, which is obviously the condition of your relationship with your mother as you have described it. It means there is no agreement between you and your mother. It is all about the disappointments and hardships and expectations not met. It is about the alienation you are experiencing about your mother. The third refers to a criminal who has been branded and is in a tug-of-war with a cart. In other words, one might say that the frustration and untrustworthiness involved here has led you to an end which will come out all right. The moving fifth line is an auspicious call for you to out there and live your life fully and with no regret of the past. The resultant hexagram 1 really is auspicious and says that things will go your way if you are not complacent, arrogant, or self-satisfied. Overall, this reading says that the state of familial relations with your mother are just terrible, but that you have the wherewithal to overcome this condition if you simply live your life in harmony with others. Then, you will have good fortune.

nykkic

I am going to put a little different light on this. Hexagram 38 hints at ways we can overcome opposition. The third line refers to the relationship you and your mother have. You have been through some terrible times with your mother. It is only natural to want to get away from her. However, from this point, if you wish to stay away permanently, do it with an attitude of it is over, and there is no further pain or anger, other than the memories themselves. In other words, let it go.

Now, the W/B commentary says, "...despite this opposition, he/she must cleave to the person with whom he/she belongs. Thus, notwithstanding the bad beginning, the matter will end well" In essence, it is saying, she is still your mother.

And, the third line by the law of correspondence belongs to the sixth. The sixth line says, ",,,as a wagon full of devils. First one draws a bow... Then...lays the bow aside." "As one goes, rain falls: then good fortune comes." It is possible that your reaction has cleared the air enough that your mother will come to her senses to a certain extent. I don't recommend calling her up and saying, "never mind," but keep the possibility of reconciliation in mind as you test the waters so to speak, and maintain a conciliatory attitude toward her, not giving into to her bad behavior, but neither reacting in horror.

The fifth lines says, "If one goes to him/her, How could it be a mistake?" In other words, the possibility of reconciliation does exist, providing you act in strength and in a dignified manner.

Gene

Agreeing with Gene, and will also add that H38 can suggest that you and your mother are interpreting her (and perhaps) your motives very differently. It might have seemed spiteful to you, but she may not have meant it that way, only you and she can tell. Line 3, in addition to the not a good beginning but a good end scenario, can also mean that one or the other of you is over-reacting - imagining devils etc. And Line 5 makes a very strong case for reconciliation.

No one can tell you to reconcile with your mother. It is very hard to get validation for insisting on separation from one's mother. It is the most difficult challenge to face head-on the cruelty of one's mother, and I applaud your courage. The "child within" never really wants to face the fact that one did not receive what a mother traditionally is supposed to offer.
It is a journey that may have stops and starts, and total separation may not always be necessary...but keeping a safe emotional distance is your right until you feel strong enough to resume some kind of relationship on your terms, if you choose to do so.

Grieving is right and good. I would recommend a set of CDs by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes entitled
Warming the Stone Child: Myths and Stories about Abandonment and the Unmothered CHild.
It can help your understanding and validate your grief.

There is also a website called OutofTheFog........where people discuss how and when to maintain safe distance from family members who have personality disorders.

Forgiveness is possible... but only when you have given yourself permission to grieve. It helps when you find people who understand your situation and can validate that the pain and loss is very real. It may never be possible to get the validation you need from your mother, herself. BUt that is okay. You don't need it. Just love yourself, be decent to yourself, and trust your process. God Bless.

bamboo said:

keeping a safe emotional distance is your right until you feel strong enough to resume some kind of relationship on your terms, if you choose to do so.

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Well said.

38.5 indicates that your mother really wants you to come back. She will not balme you. 38.3 shows that a man finally achieves his goal through a very difficult time. Hexagram 1 gives you a perfect end.
Therefore I suggest that you try to communicate with your mother peacefully. She got hurt as much as you.

Wilma

Thank you so much everyone .. thank you with all my heart. I read and re-read every post and I want to re-read them again on a daily basis for a couple of days and sleep on it. I am still in a very hurt and confused state so I know I will have to let your posts sink in...as much as I have to let my personal situation sink in.

Each single one of your posts I can not only read but feel too. It means so much to me that you helped me and gave me advice by explaining who the I Ching said to me!!!

Thank you so very very much


Lots of love and light to every single one of you !!!!!


Nyikki

gene said:

nykkic

I am going to put a little different light on this. Hexagram 38 hints at ways we can overcome opposition. The third line refers to the relationship you and your mother have. You have been through some terrible times with your mother. It is only natural to want to get away from her. However, from this point, if you wish to stay away permanently, do it with an attitude of it is over, and there is no further pain or anger, other than the memories themselves. In other words, let it go.
Gene

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[B]I agree with this, just I think that the let go must be for you to work on yourself, if the memories of the past still harm you, it means you are not enough strong to see your mother with compassionate eyes, meaning understanding that somebody that acts like that it must be herself very hurt for her past. I think let go to work on yourself to make from you a stronger understanding person, that is able to forgive the past, specally because it is your mother, otherwise you practise forgiving and getting stronger to try unity with her, your oast with her will always be a load on your shoulders even if you dont see her anymore.[/B]
Now, the W/B commentary says, "...despite this opposition, he/she must cleave to the person with whom he/she belongs. Thus, notwithstanding the bad beginning, the matter will end well" In essence, it is saying, she is still your mother.

And, the third line by the law of correspondence belongs to the sixth. The sixth line says, ",,,as a wagon full of devils. First one draws a bow... Then...lays the bow aside." "As one goes, rain falls: then good fortune comes." It is possible that your reaction has cleared the air enough that your mother will come to her senses to a certain extent. I don't recommend calling her up and saying, "never mind," but keep the possibility of reconciliation in mind as you test the waters so to speak, and maintain a conciliatory attitude toward her, not giving into to her bad behavior, but neither reacting in horror.
Gene[/QUOTE]

[B]Yes, I agree, it is important to make an effort because it is your mother, but also the effort meaning first working in your own inner strenght and understanding, you said you sat and cried for 2 hours, you are very hurt inside for this past, it is important you heal it yourself and communicate from afar with her, tell her what you pretend to do and that you need some time and later her collaboration, but also you must know yourself that maybe only you will change and that because it is an important bond your mother you would need to accept her and look at her with compassion[/B].



The fifth lines says, "If one goes to him/her, How could it be a mistake?" In other words, the possibility of reconciliation does exist, providing you act in strength and in a dignified manner.
Gene[/QUOTE]
Yes, I dont think we should let undone the problems with anybody close to us, but especially with our parents, those wounds better to heal it inside of us as we can. We cant rewind and change the story, but somewhow a new story can start today with your inner work, we cant change others but ourselves and maybe in that moment , we inspire the others to change. Strenght comes with inner work and acceptance, we can still love who hurt us if we look at them from a different perspective, not as victims but them as vicitims of their own past.

For what it's worth. My own mother had an abominable childhood, something she never discussed nor admitted to anybody, least of all her husband and children. It took working with troubled kids for me to see all the signs of how she must have suffered and how it twisted her own life. Having said that, I had to "raise" her [a never-ending process that continues] rather than the other way around. As a matter of personality, both my brother and sister went on to lives of their own and never speak to her anymore. For my sister, it was a matter of sanity as she had more or less lost her own grip on reality.

I was the only one who stayed in contact with her; however, I have lived in another country now for over a decade. It is painful. I still cry about it. When she has problems I cry even more. And I'm an adult with grown children myself. Ties to parents are enormous and I dread when she passes away how I will feel having left. But when people consume you with guilt like this, you already know there is something very wrong going on. I'm lucky to have found a place to love her without question, knowing she is just human and I am her child who needs and wants to feel close to her. But close in a sense of appreciation of our relationship, our connection, not close in wanting to stand near and have the ceiling pulled in on me by her confusion and bitterness she has never resolved. Standing here in the light I know the difference. Come too close to her again and the sky will go dark and clear vision is much harder. You have done the right thing of course. I think resting now is the right thing as well. This is very traumatic for you and most of all this is a process that takes all the time that it takes.

BTW, having given you an earfull -- should emphasize that Hex 1 as a context sounds extremely positive for your decision. You now have a possibility for controlling the situation far better and creating a future relationship as it should be, as you want it to be -- whatever it is.

arabella said:

Come too close to her again and the sky will go dark and clear vision is much harder.
You have done the right thing of course. I think resting now is the right thing as well. This is very traumatic for you and most of all this is a process that takes all the time that it takes.

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This is a lot like my own experience, and it has taken many years to get a handle on it, even though I am fully grown (and more) My mother is still alive and my heart aches when I know she gets hurt when I keep my boundaries. yet trial and error very painfully proved that a close, communicating relationship is simply not possible. That still hurts. With my mother, I am not exaggerating when I say that communication is pretty much impossible. She is just too fragile emotionally to hear or resolve issues, and she resorts to yelling and screaming over any kind of feeling her children have, even though we are all adults and she has lots of grandchildren.

I see her on holidays and birthdays. I send her cards. I never confide anything about my life. I do not give her the opportunity to vent on, blame, or criticize me. I will always love her and I do understand that she was shamed and damaged by her own childhood. I understand that at 85, she will probably never resolve her own shame, nor be able to acknowledge how she shamed and hurt her own children. It's okay and I can accept it. And I will miss her when she dies.

"It isn't enough for unmothered children to survive; they must give themselves the right to thrive. " paraphrased from Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This is such an interesting post. I cut all ties wtih my mother about 15 years ago, took a long time to get over the sadness of it all but I have grown and become the beautiful person I am meant to be without the harsh criticism of another.
Chiron sits in this area of my chart and talks about how I brought my children up the complete opposite of my mother. I did not know this was in my chart until about 2 years ago and it blew me away because it was so very true.
Again it is a reading that speaks of whatever is right for you is the right decision.
It is sad for our mothers but it is their responsibility to sort their own issues out, not us, we have our own and we do not have to put up with their fallout directed towards us - it is not ours.
blessings Liss x

I'm still thinking .. contemplating ...sometimes crying .. but each single one of you helped me so much and I'd like to repeat a big THANK YOU. This morning I woke up with a certain feeling that i will be able to solve this problem .. I even think that one day I will talk to my mother again .. she might have always been a very bad and violent mother who gave us beatings but no love, but she is the only mother I have

this thread has got me humbled and in awe . .
and I'd like to thank you for the integrity and courage with which you have shared what you did -which isn't easy, it never is . .

For a period in my life I had this habit, of collecting broken glass -I was gripped by the light's refractions on their irregular edges, they looked precious. Some of them I turned into jewellry, after polishing or wrapping them but I still have a small drawer filled with such found treasures.
There's a photo of me in the act of collecting them in a street in Berlin (a bit saturated cause my scanner is not working at the mo) but which I felt like sharing with you here . . it might not mean a lot, or it might





:bows:

wow I am reading this almost 2 years later now and the I CHING and everyone of you hit it right on ... mom and I are still in a very difficult relationship to each other but we are working on it ... I am her child and she is the only mother I have .. so we are trying to make the best of it ...and there IS love between mother and child...

how wonderfully correct the Ching was .. and you too helping me understand what the Ging said

love to everyone xoxox

Dear nykkic,

I have just come across your thread and I am glad to see how your reading has panned out. It seems that the Opposition is coming to the point that will completely change within you.

38.3 "not a good beginning but a good end"
You had a dreadful childhood but by working on your relationship with your mother you are dealing with your emotional trauma. Your relationship with her will never be that good, you cannot achieve that any more, but sorting your own emotions/anger/fears is the best end that you can hope for.

38.5 "a companion reveals himself in his true character"
Now you are in a better position to see your mother as she is. Even though she will never be your best friend or the person that you trust the most, you don't need to see her as a threat any more, you can feel safer and free yourself to live your life.

All the best, :bows:

mirian said:

Dear nykkic,

I have just come across your thread and I am glad to see how your reading has panned out. It seems that the Opposition is coming to the point that will completely change within you.

38.3 "not a good beginning but a good end"
You had a dreadful childhood but by working on your relationship with your mother you are dealing with your emotional trauma. Your relationship with her will never be that good, you cannot achieve that any more, but sorting your own emotions/anger/fears is the best end that you can hope for.

38.5 "a companion reveals himself in his true character"
Now you are in a better position to see your mother as she is. Even though she will never be your best friend or the person that you trust the most, you don't need to see her as a threat any more, you can feel safer and free yourself to live your life.

All the best, :bows:

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Yes Miriam ... every word you just said is exactly right ... I am still sorting out all that trauma and it has left horrible demons in me ... but many of these demons are gone now compared to my childhood and teenage years .. also I don't fear my mother anymore... she is an old woman now and there is nothing she could do to me anymore.. even if she gets nasty sometimes ... I told her " There is nothing that you could do to me that you have not done to me before" .... and still I love her ... like every child loves it's mother cos we only have one ...

now for my own life I will need to learn to trust