Hello everyone

The last half year I invested in someone who gave me dubious signs and always retreated when we got closer. The last 2/3 months we are on a friendship basis, but I nevertheless experience the same cycles of rejection, because I still try to fit into his life, and he still recurrently "disappears". I put an end to it, step back, and he comes and fetches me again. On and on.
Exhausting.

We had a comeback 2 weeks ago, and there were so many 31, 19s and 8s flying around my readings that I happily let myself trust again. Close-close-close and Off he went again. This time I cant take it anymore, and Ys readings confirm its time to move on.

But we work together and I need inner clarity whether or not I should make myself available for a friendship. Im hurt and truly no longer available for anything more. But I still feel we make a fantastic team and - I feel divided. Now its the time to make a clear cut and move him away from my circle, or recycle our contact and step into a collaboration, friendship, exchange....

I asked 2 questions to witch I appreciate your opinions.
Truly setting aside any man-woman dynamics :

which role does he wish me to play in his life ? 27 (6) > 24

what should be my investment in keeping this partnership alive in my life ? 48 (3) > 29


I was very touched by this 48.3 because it so well describes the frustration I feel about this ending like this. We cleared so many stormy waters in the last months and went through such harsh processes together (and apart...) that it makes my heart sad that nobody drinks from it... 29 is obviously the recurrent abyss we find ourselves in. But how do you read :
"It is suitable to seek the sovereign´s enlightenment
to receive abundance"
?
is "moving on in sorrow" pointing to the fact I should let go even though it makes me sad? or is it describing the impossibility that already took place ?

I dont think this guy is able to ever give me any sort of abundance of any sort, so it must be some sort of inner authority I must find...

what is not clear for me is whether i should move AWAY or TOWARDS this well of... nourishment - funny that both answers are about nourishment.

27/24 I asked because I always fear he just needs me in his life because he projects some sort of artistic success aura on me, and he finds me influenceable. If he is with me for strategic interests, so to say, to be among the writers and people he wants to mingle with. I have no substantial grounds for this fear - but it was what drew me to this question - the possibility of being used.
27 does indicate I feed some sort of need he has - and that doesnt sound so good. How do u see 24 here ?


Feeling confused and missing a direction therefore really thank any thoughts u might have on it

Thanks
Yoana

27. 6 is definitely about being the source of nourishment but unfortunately you could be the sacrificial lamb. If you look at the history of your relationship as you described, it does seem as if he draws closer to you for some unnamed need and then backs off. In line 27.6, this is what you accept. You could choose to be his source of nourishment, and if you can do so freely without needs or desires of your own, then there is no expectation, no disappointment. He can always come to get what he needs and then return to his life (24). The 24, as I see it, signifies that "once the fulfillment takes place, one is free to move on to other things"

The difficulty is that I dont see you as simply content to nourish this man and then go about your business. You seem very much entrenched in the 48.3 mode: regretting that you have so much (more) you want to share with this man, while he is unavailable for that 'more'...and the repeated encounters ( and disappointments) 29- leave you cold.

as far as being friends with him, without further entanglements, you might need to ask if you are truly being honest with your self. Is it enough for you to just be his source and can you bear with the repeated withdrawals. can you accept that that is what the nature of the relationship is likely to be? If you truly accept that, then the exhaustion of it ceases. If not, then perhaps moving on altogether (shutting your door firmly) is the proper course of action.

I think 27.6 is an appropriate position for mentorship or selfless giving. For a woman in love, not so good

Hey there,
I have to agree with Bamboo. It seems like you are the "giver" in this relationship. Not so good for a woman, IMHO.

oh-ho : help.

First of all, Thank you Tifa and Bamboo, it seems your interpretation resonates with mine and perhaps for once Im able to read what the Y is saying instead what I wish it would be saying ... that would be a step further, for sure.

I feel more and more certain he has no intention of building a strong bond of any kind and that (even if unconsciously) he uses me to feed his ego and need for attention. And I feed it, but as you point out, at great personal cost.
I dont know what the Y is saying, but my body woke up yelling - GET AWAY!!!!!

the question was now - HOW.
But the answer left me even more worried...

today I filled the flat with friends to shake away these anxieties, and he came by - uninvited. This is not such a strange thing to do in our group, I must add. We work like that somehow. ("mi casa es tu casa" culture...)

But I had no wish to see him and i noticed it completely ruined my afternoon and my ability to enjoy my own party. When they all left, I felt empty and heart-broken again. Rejected again - even though its clear I dont want him back anymore...!

Thats why I wanted to ask you again about the readings above - which practical advice to you think holds 48.3 - who/where is this ruler or authority I should seek that will grant me abundance?

It seems that deciding to shut him out isnt all that linear - because his presence is toxic. How can I avoid falling back into the same abyss? How can I really keep him away?
This was what i asked just now, and the answer left me a bit concerned, so ominous and full of unconscious bed-splitting-drives it is. What to DO?

"How to achieve independence from the toxic effect he has on my body and emotions ?" 23 (1,4,6) > 51


please help - what does this mean, in practical terms? The Y again takes another portrait of the situation : "the shock of separating" but did I just regress in my interpretation skills or is the Y warning me against cutting the legs of this friendship ?
why are the lines so ominous, and how is this misfortune to be avoided ?

line 1 - taking the legs of this platform is unfortunate
line 4 - reducing the platform of the one who occupies it is unfortunate
line 6 - a ripe fruit which is not eaten


looking fwd for ur opinions!
Yoana:bows:

yoana said:

oh-ho : help.

First of all, Thank you Tifa and Bamboo, it seems your interpretation resonates with mine and perhaps for once Im able to read what the Y is saying instead what I wish it would be saying ... that would be a step further, for sure.

I feel more and more certain he has no intention of building a strong bond of any kind and that (even if unconsciously) he uses me to feed his ego and need for attention. And I feed it, but as you point out, at great personal cost.
I dont know what the Y is saying, but my body woke up yelling - GET AWAY!!!!!

the question was now - HOW.
But the answer left me even more worried...

today I filled the flat with friends to shake away these anxieties, and he came by - uninvited. This is not such a strange thing to do in our group, I must add. We work like that somehow. ("mi casa es tu casa" culture...)

But I had no wish to see him and i noticed it completely ruined my afternoon and my ability to enjoy my own party. When they all left, I felt empty and heart-broken again. Rejected again - even though its clear I dont want him back anymore...!

Thats why I wanted to ask you again about the readings above - which practical advice to you think holds 48.3 - who/where is this ruler or authority I should seek that will grant me abundance?

It seems that deciding to shut him out isnt all that linear - because his presence is toxic. How can I avoid falling back into the same abyss? How can I really keep him away?
This was what i asked just now, and the answer left me a bit concerned, so ominous and full of unconscious bed-splitting-drives it is. What to DO?

"How to achieve independence from the toxic effect he has on my body and emotions ?" 23 (1,4,6) > 51


please help - what does this mean, in practical terms? The Y again takes another portrait of the situation : "the shock of separating" but did I just regress in my interpretation skills or is the Y warning me against cutting the legs of this friendship ?
why are the lines so ominous, and how is this misfortune to be avoided ?

line 1 - taking the legs of this platform is unfortunate
line 4 - reducing the platform of the one who occupies it is unfortunate
line 6 - a ripe fruit which is not eaten


looking fwd for ur opinions!
Yoana:bows:

Click to expand...

I think, you have not had a strong communication with him. The hex 27 and further was talking about nourishment, That means he wants nourishment from you as everybody wants , but it is on you to ask for you to.
For me communication is the nourish he needs, he is acting selfishly probably because he has fears of commitment (maybe my personal opinion). Then when people pull and push that way, are like vampires sucking our blood, come drink and go. Normally this kind of people find the right compatible person for him/her, another person that keeps there till it is so exhausted that gives up, somebody that tries to guess what is happening but is not directly asking and making boundaries = Nourishing the situation.

I believe it is very hard, because that person or whoever that acts like this, is evidently adrift and that his inner unbalance it is reflecting in your life. Probably he is attracted, not necessarily he wants only to use you, everybody wants to be loved and some want to be loved without falling themselves in love, because so much fear of it.

Then as the Iching say, you decide. But which is the decision? The decision is first communicate with him, to see what he really can and want to give to you, dont guess it, and with a kind of person like this, you have to be exyremely patient but mainly be fully aware of those feelings of exhaustion and sadness because they are wake up calls telling you were too much over your own healthy boundaries.

I think the situation call for you to retreat from him as much as you can, take time to replenish yourself with inner energy, when you find yourself thinking about him, call your best friend, make allies with whom you can distract yourself, write in a paper why you need to stay apart of him and read it all time you need to read it. The most important is first to get back your balance.

If he looks for you, tell him directly please to don't contact you for some time that you need to think for some problems you are confronting now. I think being honest is very important. It does not talk bad about you, but instead talks about your strenght.

If you are in a place and he arrives, leave. You are not enough strong to stay close to him (I say that according to the feelings you write here).
All of this is nourishing yourself to get your balance back.
In my case I even try top detox my own body with eating and drinking better than never .


I understand very much how you feel, because for different reasons, I am in similar situation. And it is hard to resist that feeling inside of sadness.

It is then very important, that if he looks for you, you must talk straightforward, telling him you need more estability. If you evade the conversation, it drains you more, because you start assuming, and assuming is the worst thing you can do to yourself.

We are human and we must have expectations, without them where we go? We must have expectations of the people we want to share, otherwise for me there is no sense.
Then how we know what to expect? Only communicating. And if the response its not what you want, then how you move away?

With a huge inner work, there is no salvation without it. You must work in yourself, but even if you stay with him, the work on yourself must be hard and steady , otherwise you would be there all time in same situation you are now and probably for years..
You are the only one that can grant yourself abundance and I believe the solution is beyond to be surrounded by friends, It is something inside that we need to replenish. It is probably managing your thoughts. Not easy..but no impossible.

23is about finding authority inside of yourself, you must be your own guide as the past with him. Look at the past with him and even if you know and feel that he is attracted to you, it is this past that will tell you that the way it has been , you dont want it.

Then look back into the past. And work in yourself and if necessary communicate with him and a new and different development will begin. "abundance" .

What I read in Hex 48 is you should not end drastically, for ever, simply end the things,.

If there is a seed, with the right actions, nourishing yourself and communicating (nourishing him) something can happen, but not at this moment when you mst find your balance back.

I dont think it is possible to be friends when we are so attracted to somebody.

"Spiritually, this can be a backward step ".. To find yourself, your abundance, step back from this inner situation and find balance. It talks about pruning, can be pruning emotions, and attitudes (yours) because you cant change him, but you.
Pruning things down to their basics, the 'real truth'
However, never forget communicating, straightforward communication, that is your nourishment (27)and his at this point. Assuming is killing all possibilities, carrying doubts and maybe hurting ourselves and others.






But inside they are like little kids that need a guide. I meant, people like him are like little kids he also need a guide.

"How to achieve independence from the toxic effect he has on my body and emotions ?" 23 (1,4,6) > 51

It may well be that it is not the person you need to strip from your life, but your expectations about him. change the resting place, ie how you relate to this man. maybe for other reasons, you also need/want him in your life, and there may be something to salvage -23.6

But I had no wish to see him and i noticed it completely ruined my afternoon and my ability to enjoy my own party. When they all left, I felt empty and heart-broken again. Rejected again - even though its clear I dont want him back anymore...!

No, it isnt clear that you dont want him back anymore!! Feeling empty and brokenhearted is the proof of that! Is it possible for you to alter this expectation? I do not know what the nature of your relationship was........but if it was sexual, then withdrawing to the position of "friend" will take time and a maintained distance (oxytocin withdrawal, what we go through after bonding with a man sexually) But if it was not sexual, then just changing your mind about this man will be sufficient. And I would tell him that the parameters have changed, too. Be firm. 23.1 warns that if you do not heed the warning, the way will close.

Thanks for the prompt feedback, both of you. Normally before posting I let some time go by and visit archived answers to my query but last night I was just too torn and there was no way that 23/51 sounded hopeful...
I guess when I ask "what to do?" I expect some more down-to-earth suggestions. 23/51 was not it, its very cryptic, but u both gave me some wonderful practical advise. Thank you. Summing up what u all said and what the situation is asking for, first and foremost i have to separate myself from toxic longings and strip away old expectations. Maybe then he looses his power over me and my well-being.

Whatever it is I have to do is not in relation to him, but to myself.

Bamboo, I do honestly feel I could never again let myself go romantically over this guy, this is honesty. I do not want him to want me back, I just wish I wouldnt have to see him every other day, I wish a bit that he "wouldnt exist". The paradox is perhaps that the body and emotions are slower than head and decisions. And even though the above statement is clear to/in me, when he turns his eyes away in a party I still feel the pain of rejection, and when he sits with someone else I still feel the jealousy. But i reckon these symptoms have nothing to do with love...

This "knot" is not at core of a sexual nature, though physical chemistry plays a big role in it. The problem I recognize is that it has an "existential" tone to it. When he does not see me I cease existing - kind of feeling. Its about identity and self-worth, not so much about love and sexual attraction.

That's why I feel the paradox of not being in love with him anymore, not wishing him for a partner - and still, he eats my guts from the inside out.
u know what I am talking about ?

And that - in me - is very hard to put a stop to. Hence the cry for help.

There is a great thread about 23/51 in the archives. I like topal's contribution :

Stripping away is so often seeing things with new eyes, letting go and finding out what is truly real and important. The IC maybe giving you a snapshot of your psychological state.

As I see now, line 1 perhaps iillustrates this anxiety you're feeling but it is not at the stage where it can do you harm and your life in general. It may mean the beginning of the stripping process. Something has to change.

I see line 4 as the place where we get to the crux of the matter. Getting to the core of a condition or situation is almost always difficult and unpleasant. But if we get through it this signifies progress. It could also suggest taking things to extremes and forcing things.

Line 6 suggests the departure of this difficult time. Being at peace with ourselves. Allowing things to seed. There is hope here and new beginnings. New growth and new possibilities.

Click to expand...

Most interpretations of line 6 are hopeful. And lines 1 and 4 before that regarding what comes ahead - I knew forehand that it will be hard. I have been in this situation before, and as I said above, I reckon its much deeper than longing for a lover. Maybe Im being called to figure out why I recurrently give my power and sense of self away to someone "almost randomly" (does randomness exist or do we know all along this person is never gonne gives us what we long for?) anyway, today i woke up calmer. Im gonna see him later today in another social group setting, and later in the week, and many times after that. I guess i have to come to terms with that - he is around - and i will be all right.

like a mantra for the day : He is around, I am all right.


Thank you so much, the 3 of you, really :bows:
Y

Cristal, u dedicated so much time to this answer and its so packed with really useful down to earth tips I just wanted to tell you that - Thanks - and about :

cristal said:

For me communication is the nourish he needs, he is acting selfishly probably because he has fears of commitment (maybe my personal opinion).

Click to expand...

Sure, 100%, and he knows that. We talked about it again and again. But me too - I reckon the defensive/neglecting person always finds the offensive/victim counterpart, but they both come out of the very same fear of proximity. This guy is as much of a perpetrator in this story as I am, or put into other words, as much of a victim.
No doubt about it.

cristal said:

If you are in a place and he arrives, leave. You are not enough strong to stay close to him (I say that according to the feelings you write here).
All of this is nourishing yourself to get your balance back.

Click to expand...

I cant do that. We work together, we are in the middle of 2 big projects and added to that we move inside the same group of friends. Moving away from him would mean loosing my precious support group, and I cant afford that right now, my friends are my base.

Its all very much entangled. But between last night when I last wrote and this morning I already see a new way. Therefore, lets see what the next days bring... You said u are in a similar process yourself, so I leave you also with all the strength you need to gather for it.

Peace!
Yoana

yoana said:

oh-ho : help.

I dont know what the Y is saying, but my body woke up yelling - GET AWAY!!!!!

the question was now - HOW.


It seems that deciding to shut him out isnt all that linear - because his presence is toxic. How can I avoid falling back into the same abyss? How can I really keep him away?
This was what i asked just now, and the answer left me a bit concerned, so ominous and full of unconscious bed-splitting-drives it is. What to DO?

"How to achieve independence from the toxic effect he has on my body and emotions ?" 23 (1,4,6) > 51


please help - what does this mean, in practical terms? The Y again takes another portrait of the situation : "the shock of separating" but did I just regress in my interpretation skills or is the Y warning me against cutting the legs of this friendship ?
why are the lines so ominous, and how is this misfortune to be avoided ?

line 1 - taking the legs of this platform is unfortunate
line 4 - reducing the platform of the one who occupies it is unfortunate
line 6 - a ripe fruit which is not eaten


looking fwd for ur opinions!
Yoana:bows:

Click to expand...

FWIW without even reading the thread properly I felt this was apretty clear strong answer to how do i get rid of someone i feel is toxic. You have thunder, lightening, storm shake up (51) and being rid of (23)

I'd think you maybe need to gather your energies and do this getting rid of quite vigorously with no half heartedness about it. If you eat poison you vomit, theres a quite violent way of getting rid of whats no good for you, your gut knows what it doesn't want and it doesn't pussy foot around telling you.


Theres 3 moving lines here so theres a fair amount of change happening and I really wouldn't fixate too much on the lines here but the overall message...Shake it up (51) and get rid (23) vomiting seems the perfect analogy

If hes toxic why have him in your home or spend time talking to him...23.6 has been compared to when you need to move house not redecorate. Its certainly a line of moving on completely and as its the last lineits theone I'd focus on here as your goal

I just don't think this combination suggests being careful or hanging around weighing things up...so thats my perspective to jigsaw alongside the others so far



You say your body is yelling 'get away' , I think the answer says 'how to' quite clearly...like thunder and lightening (51) making total erosion of the previous landscape of the relationship (23) so you can get up and move on (23.6). This isn't drifting this is shaking up a landslide . Use that 51 energy at your disposal to clear away the 23 debris. That 51 energy is where your body yells 'get away' its excitable volatile energy and you need to use it now, don't quash it, it can be your ally. If you want to keep him away you can keep him away but you need to keep awake to your strong feelings (51) so you can act on them.

trojan said:

Theres 3 moving lines here so theres a fair amount of change happening and I really wouldn't fixate too much on the lines here but the overall message...Shake it up (51) and get rid (23) vomiting seems the perfect analogy

Click to expand...

I agree the hexagrams couldnt be more adequate - Im under the shock of separation indeed ! But the lines left me concerned...

When is it in the Y that you give more weight to the lines and when is it that you give more weight to the hexagrams ?

Added to that, I have been thinking about something I once read here in the forum, someone who said that when you have 3 moving lines, the middle one is your present situation, and the first one is past. I never thought about it again until this reading, because since I got it things are getting easier and easier, so I must have been in line 4 already (misfortune peaked) heading to the resolution of line 6, and line 1 was already done with.
What scared me in that reading was that the lines would still be to come, but now I somehow feel it is not possible. He feels far and I feel safe(r). Really.

trojan said:

If hes toxic why have him in your home or spend time talking to him...23.6 has been compared to when you need to move house not redecorate. Its certainly a line of moving on completely and as its the last lineits theone I'd focus on here as your goal

I just don't think this combination suggests being careful or hanging around weighing things up...so thats my perspective to jigsaw alongside the others so far

Click to expand...

I have to find some middle way - we work together and have most of our friends in common...

This is doable : yesterday I saw him again in the same group setting and felt how half of me is still "under his spell" but another half is already observing and smiling ironically to our little "unspoken dynamics". It was like a dance, I enjoyed tremendously - I would move around in space clearly avoiding him, and he would somehow "stalk me" with his eyes, his awareness, pass by, crack a silly joke and go away...

Its clear : Im over and done with this.

trojan said:

You say your body is yelling 'get away' , I think the answer says 'how to' quite clearly...like thunder and lightening (51) making total erosion of the previous landscape of the relationship (23) so you can get up and move on (23.6). This isn't drifting this is shaking up a landslide . Use that 51 energy at your disposal to clear away the 23 debris. That 51 energy is where your body yells 'get away' its excitable volatile energy and you need to use it now, don't quash it, it can be your ally. If you want to keep him away you can keep him away but you need to keep awake to your strong feelings (51) so you can act on them.

Click to expand...

I truly appreciate your down-right honest wisdom, and I might come back to tell you how you were so right and I fell back again into his trap. But for the reasons presented above Im going to try a middle way, no radical measures. Perhaps Im strong enough - perhaps not.

The Y is mirroring this need for caution, look. Tonight there is yet another dinner-meeting (this group has quite an intense social life, u see) and he came to invite me personally. I was vague and didnt confirm. My first thought was that I better not put myself in a dinner organized by him. I asked the Y

consequences of attending the dinner tonight ? and found this 64,6 > 40 again a incredible snapshot of the moment. Im really on the verging point of reaching this Liberation. The transition from chaos to order is ready, and this is the moment I have to be more cautious, because any little thing can pull me back weeks of emotional hard-work. So I guess the line confirms : You can go and enjoy a drink with those you love, you will feel cherished, but dont stay long, dont drink too much, dont get involved. Stay on your toes, you are still not free.



I think im gonna go - i like a good challenge !

Thanks Trojan, I loved your direct way of putting it - I need that !
Y

yoana said:

I agree the hexagrams couldnt be more adequate - Im under the shock of separation indeed ! But the lines left me concerned...

When is it in the Y that you give more weight to the lines and when is it that you give more weight to the hexagrams ?

Added to that, I have been thinking about something I once read here in the forum, someone who said that when you have 3 moving lines, the middle one is your present situation, and the first one is past. I never thought about it again until this reading, because since I got it things are getting easier and easier, so I must have been in line 4 already (misfortune peaked) heading to the resolution of line 6, and line 1 was already done with.
What scared me in that reading was that the lines would still be to come, but now I somehow feel it is not possible. He feels far and I feel safe(r). Really.

Click to expand...

there aren't set rules about how to read lines....but there are many rules about how to read them My view is quite simple, the more moving lines there are, the more i look at the two hexagrams as a sentence, the more of an over view I take and of course if theres many lines the situation is in a great deal of flux. If theres only one moving line then that line carries much emphasis and personally i don't much bother with the relating hexagram in that case. Your answer to me looked like a picture of 'shaking loose from' in quite a dramatic way...the need to do that. I think not doing that would be unfortunate, that playing with this situation in your head to see if you can handle it would be where the trouble of 23.1.4 may come in

I have to find some middle way - we work together and have most of our friends in common...

This is doable : yesterday I saw him again in the same group setting and felt how half of me is still "under his spell" but another half is already observing and smiling ironically to our little "unspoken dynamics". It was like a dance, I enjoyed tremendously - I would move around in space clearly avoiding him, and he would somehow "stalk me" with his eyes, his awareness, pass by, crack a silly joke and go away...

Its clear : Im over and done with this.

Click to expand...

I think within the middle way...you need to be more drastic. Having re read the thread I realised you couldn't totally cut him out if you work with him....but then again you can minimise meaningful contact. Having friends in common doesn't mean you can't shake him off emotionally...at least I can't see why you'd have someone with this impact on you dropping by your house..If you have been very hurt by him, whether he intended it or not, you really should keep your own space. Its a question of looking after yourself. You are throwing yourself to the lions, as 27.6 showed by continually ignoring your own feelings and just allowing him 'in' all the time. It isn't a question of punishing him, its a question of taking care of yourself. But you are now enjoying the games so....

I truly appreciate your down-right honest wisdom, and I might come back to tell you how you were so right and I fell back again into his trap. But for the reasons presented above Im going to try a middle way, no radical measures. Perhaps Im strong enough - perhaps not.

The Y is mirroring this need for caution, look. Tonight there is yet another dinner-meeting (this group has quite an intense social life, u see) and he came to invite me personally. I was vague and didnt confirm. My first thought was that I better not put myself in a dinner organized by him. I asked the Y

consequences of attending the dinner tonight ? and found this 64,6 > 40 again a incredible snapshot of the moment. Im really on the verging point of reaching this Liberation. The transition from chaos to order is ready, and this is the moment I have to be more cautious, because any little thing can pull me back weeks of emotional hard-work. So I guess the line confirms : You can go and enjoy a drink with those you love, you will feel cherished, but dont stay long, dont drink too much, dont get involved. Stay on your toes, you are still not free.



I think im gonna go - i like a good challenge !

Click to expand...

But the thing is these are feelings you don't really understand or have control of so in treating it like a game do you actually have the wherewithall to win......or do you need to pull back to take care of yourself. Only you can know

You are giving very mixed messages....to me, to yourself, so I wonder how it might appear to him. On the one hand you say you really don't want him back yet on the other hand you cannot resist playing with him some more or rather enjoying the games of him watching you and so on....all that is still engaging with him on that level however distanced you tell yourself you feel

I think it all comes down to you making a decision about what you want, I don't think you have made it yet. But good luck for tonight....don't get too drunk......

Dear trojan : I came home. Even before reading your strong-but-truthful message - I came home.
You are very right in all you point out, but these issues with me are deep, recurrent, largely unconscious, and will take their time. I suspect it has to do with a body-mind split I cant seem able to overcome. My head is far ahead and I already see, and even feel, how this story is over - but my body still craves for the adrenalin. Its is some sick addition, I could not call it anything less. I do my best to set myself free, but especially in my relationship with men it kicks back. The last 3 years have just been devastating. And yet I always know, or at least lately i do, that all this is my choice. Its even sinister if u consider the amount of pain I get from all these situations... And I guess tonight I realize the HOW i so often ask the Y for, HOW TO SET MYSELF FREE. (at least a tiny step of it).

It was quite beautiful : when I left the dance class i teach I headed his way on my bike and 5 minutes after it started pouring rain. There was a crossing with red light and I stood there, and the light turned green and I stood there, and red and green and red again - I couldnt move! I was amazed with the sky : it was filled with thunder and lightning!

I smiled : 23/51 could not be more literal. I had a sky filled with 51 and I stood there as long as it took my body (and not only my head) to understand what was going to happen next. I rode back home with a huge sense of liberation. I guess that is the only way it works for me, it wouldnt have worked to stay home eating myself with anxiety, it had to be a real CHOICE.

I live on the top floor of a high building and every time the thunder roars the whole building shakes - i totally feel I took the right decision.

...51 it is.

Thank u for ur honest feedback :bows:
Y

yoana said:

It was quite beautiful : when I left the dance class i teach I headed his way on my bike and 5 minutes after it started pouring rain. There was a crossing with red light and I stood there, and the light turned green and I stood there, and red and green and red again - I couldnt move! I was amazed with the sky : it was filled with thunder and lightning!

I smiled : 23/51 could not be more literal. I had a sky filled with 51 and I stood there as long as it took my body (and not only my head) to understand what was going to happen next. I rode back home with a huge sense of liberation. I guess that is the only way it works for me, it wouldnt have worked to stay home eating myself with anxiety, it had to be a real CHOICE.

I live on the top floor of a high building and every time the thunder roars the whole building shakes - i totally feel I took the right decision.

...51 it is.

Thank u for ur honest feedback :bows:
Y

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Wow, that image of you made me smile...standing there in the thunder with the lights going red to green to red...its quite poetic you lived your answer