I have a big issue I am facing and I hope the Yi might shed some light. Warning: long backstory.

I've been in a relationship for 13.5 months now with the same man. We live in different countries and I had arranged to spend 5 months in his country. I'm now approaching month #5 of that visit.

When we met, he mentioned marriage and having a child together. I was thrilled. I felt, when we met, that finally my prayers had been answered, as I have wanted those things for about 20 years and (as those who know me from the forum know!), this is the first time the possibility has come into my life. I am 38.5 yrs old now.

Because of my age, I do not have the option of waiting a long time to have children. I have been seeing a doctor here privately to know about what issues I may face and things are not all rosy. He (boyfriend) doesnt know about this. I can have children now, but my time is very limited. He is older than me by several years, and has previous children. He is in no rush. I do not have the luxury of waiting any longer.

I need to tell him this, and I do not know how, or when to do so. I thought initially of doing it gently, ie "would it be so bad if..." But i'm sure an offhand comment would just be met with "we have to do things in order." He has said from the getgo he wants it all in order: engagement, then marriage, then child. If we do that -- it will be too late for me.

Then I thought of telling him all i've gone through (ultrasounds, blood tests, changed diet, less exercise, increasing certain food groups, multivitamins, temperature taking daily, and so forth). But I think that would be overload.

Then I thought, why dont I just say that the Dr advised me not to wait bc of various medical issues and I really want to try (in August) and want his support in this?

The yi said 18.1.2.6 > 36.

i dont see this as a very positive outcome. Does anyone else? I know that 36 is nice but the lines in 18 dont look too great.

I am not prepared to take a "no" for an answer in this case and so I am trying to figure out the approach that will provide him with deeper understanding of my timeline. If it were up to me, yes, I would wait several years, but female anatomy and biology is not built that way, and none of my previous dating efforts have ever brought me this close to marriage and family. (I say this after reading numerous online forums where older (ie late 30s) women are bashed for "not having children sooner". I have been trying to find someone actively for the last decade and this is just the way my cards have played out.)

One last side note:
Over our time apart last winter, he had a strong case of cold feet, not even wanting to continue the relationship. Once I arrived here, he was all but ready to part ways and said he wasnt ready to propose and have a child, he was too old, he was destined to be alone, fear fear fear, etc right away. It turned out his family had told him that he should never leave this country (even though he is not well off financially and moving to my country would fix that. He is driven by unexplainable fears and immobile as a result). It was silly in a way because I didnt fly out for an engagement straigth after my arrival -- I flew out to see how things would go with us and hopefully, by the end of the 5 mos, we would either move forward or part ways.
So that month #5 is starting in a couple of weeks.


For the lines:
L1: superior man must first remove stagnation by stirring up public opinion, as the wind stirs everything, and must then strengthen and tranquillize the character of the people, as the mountain gives tranquillity and nourishment to all that grows in its vicinity.

I guess this means I have to raise the issue but not in a way to cause him panic?

L2: This refers to mistakes that as a result of weakness have brought about decay – hence the symbol, “what has been spoiled by the mother.” In setting things right in such a case, a certain gentle consideration is called for. In order not to wound, one should not attempt to proceed too drastically.

The only "decay" I can think of is I've been seeing a doctor and consumed by my health issues for the past 2-3 mos and he doesnt know about it, bc I havent told him about this yet.
I do not know how to *not proceed drastically* however, because if I dont impose the seriousness of this timing issue, it will be too easy for him to say "no not now." And i'm not OK with that.

L6: Not every man has an obligation to mingle in the affairs of the world. There are some who are developed to such a degree that they are justified in letting the world go its own way and in refusing to enter public life with a view to reforming it. But this does not imply a right to remain idle or to sit back and merely criticize. Such withdrawal is justified only when we strive to realize in ourselves the higher aims of mankind. For although the sage remains distant from the turmoil of daily life, he creates incomparable human values for the future.

I have no idea how line 6 relates...

Elizabeth - this whole story sounds like it is based on dishonesty - what sort of relationship are you having with this man if you cannot be honest with him.
Hexagram 18 - Decay if you don't behave with proper principles.
After you have clearly identified the problem, then act, but with gentleness and inner balance.
Line 1 is about tradition
Line 2 is fear of seeing the truth
Line 6 Do not condemn but further your own development.

Hex 36 - Disengage from negative feelings and maintain your inner light.

- Liss

Liss,

thanks for replying. I suppose it does sound very dishonest, which was never my intention... This is complicated by many other issues which I haven't gone into in detail here in the interest of keeping the focus on the main question.

I am interested in line 6, what that means...how does one further one's development in this case?

When we met all was rosy but after my arrival in March (this visit/year), he got huge cold feet and backed off. That really hurt me and I tried to calm him down, presuming it was just fear, but thinking maybe he just doesnt have feelings for me. I still wonder if he will disappear again, ie how stable this is. Things are much much better than they were but I cant forget that period... When that happened I presumed I had lost him and I started looking into other options for having children. I had considered sperm donors last year and that prompted me to go back to the Dr... in which time many issues I didnt know about healthwise were discovered. So I have been addressign the issue of children on my own for a while because it is very important to me (and time is running out). And now it is all a big mess, because of his cold feet I dont want to scare him more, but I have my own issues to address, and well, I"m not sure how to "right" everything now ... or what to say and when.

Well from what you said now Elizabeth I would say Line 1 is about having a baby in the 'traditional' way but the truth is you know this relationship doesn't feel right and line 6 is to keep addressing your own issues which sounds like your doing a fantastic job of.

Keep to your inner light and see what comes about - maybe not focus on talking to him about it, not messy a bit tricky though but I still feel this reading is about your own stuff and keep working through that. - Liss

The problem is, I think he would be a great father again (he has two sons from previous marriage). And I would rather have a family (husband + child) than do this on my own -- and then, how to do it on my own? I feel like I almost have what i want and need... but i also fear that one wrong word and it will evaporate (which is not encouraging when you look at it). Which is why I dont know about talking to him about it. I have to though, for the sake of honesty... Argh. I just keep thinking if I tell him about my medical issues and he says he's not ready for a child now, then I have to go the sperm donor option (or look elsewhere but i dont have time to cultivate another relationship given the med issues). I've done a ton of thinking about this and while I"d like to be with him and have things work out... argh, but i dont WANT the sperm donor option, I want a normal traditional family...grrrr..


But time is just not on my side... that is the biggest problem, I feel this massive pressure right now that i've (obviously) never felt before.

But maybe you will meet someone else who will be a lot more right than this man? I know women in their late 30s and early 40s who have had children when they didn't think it could happen. I really believe that children happen if and when they are meant to happen. This is why couples can spend thousands on IVF for years with no result and then bizarrely get pregnant as soon as they stop trying.

I think your casting is simply reflecting that you are considering manipulation as a way to fix what is wrong (i.e. being without family).

Given my track record, it would literally take a miracle at this point. So its not likely. I'm also not located in an area where single men are (hence me being in this other country at least brought me potential options). Its 100% sure when i return home there will be no options -- I grew up in that city and there are just not single men there (or I would have met them in my nearly 40 yrs there). I have luck elsewhere but then you get long distance stuff going on.

Inshort, experience shows me that I'm not one of those who stuff gets handed to.

To boot this morning my oldest friend emails me an 11-week picture of an ultrasound.
She doesnt know my own trials but this depressed me to no end... She never ever EVER wanted kids, was adamantly opposed to them. Her husband literally showed up on her doorstep (he was the window installation guy). She's an attorney and earns more money than I will ever make in a lifetime. Its all just easy peasy. I can't look sideways, I'm fine with living in relative simple terms and not with alot of money but the children issue is not one i can give up.