An online friend has been quiet for several days even though he had said he would have more time to talk to me during last week. It happens from time to time, so some time ago I told him I could understand a lull or two but not repeated instances of such an inconsiderate behaviour. He said he wouldn't do that again and, well, he did. I know that men do that often, without even realizing it, but I think I cannot tolerate it because 1.) it'll get worse and 2.) it ruins my own schedule.

So I was furious at first, and when I asked Yi "Why X isn't writing" I got 6.5 to 64, which I interpreted as I Ching telling me to calm down and refrain from deciding about anything while I'm angry.
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/free_I_Ching_reading/reading.php?lines=878797

I waited several days and asked "How should I behave towards X in reference to this situation?" I got 37.1.3.5 to 23.
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/free_I_Ching_reading/reading.php?lines=989897

And today I asked again "Why he's not writing?" and got 9 unchanging, which I interpreted as him being busy or perhaps spending the time on some kind of work on self-improvement.
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/free_I_Ching_reading/reading.php?lines=777877

I'd love to hear your insights on this readings. What is Yi telling me to do? Does the family hex mean I must make strict rules (or observe the rules I made earlier, which would mean ending the communication) or that I should be understanding like in a family?

I asked I Ching additional questions about what would happen depending on a scenario. Could you advise me which one I should choose?

1. What if I write to him first and tell him I feel sad that he's been quiet for so long? 16.5.6 to 12
Or what if I wait till he writes to me and then I tell him ...
2. ... I have no time for him right now. 29 unchanging
3. ... I feel sad he's been quiet again but I understand that and I'm OK with it. 18 unchanging
4. ... I feel sad he's been quiet again and I don't know what to say or do about it. 41.1.2.6 to 29
5. ... that he went too far and that we shouldn't continue this correspondence. 17.2 to 58

Thank you in advance!

Maybe if you stop obsessing........

Hex 37 Line 1 - find your centre in yourself(your home)
Line 3 - do not scold him
Line 5 - If you centre yourself you will feel more at peace with the situation allowing you to talk calmly with him about it when you next communicate.

Hex 23 - look to self and find why it really upsets you so much and why you have attracted someone like this into your life. Stripping away - things you no longer serve you in yourself.

- Liss

Thank you for your answers, Liss. I truly hope I'm not obsessing. In fact I feel very calm, I just don't know what to do, because I already talked to him, very calmly, twice, and he said he was very sorry and wouldn't do that again, until he did. I just don't see how repeating the same conversation for a third time is going to help. Although I think it's what 29 - Repeating Chasms - is about. Perhaps if the situation keeps repeating I'll learn to master it, but really, I'm not that sure I want to go through all the burden over and over.

Some background: I like this friend very much, he's my soulmate, but he's not a romantic interest. He's going through some changes in his life and he asked me to help him with that. I agreed, but it requires a lot of work and energy from me, so when I do all that job and then he withdraws I feel tired and frustrated. It's as if a friend asked you if he could stay at your place for some time. You'd agree and make all the necessary preparations: you'd cancel other meetings, make up a guest room, buy extra food, do some cooking etc. and then he wouldn't come. You'd say it's fine and you understand but then the situation would repeat two more times. I think everyone would have enough at this point, wouldn't they?

So here I am wondering what to do. When I say I can tell him we should end this communication I'm calm about it. I did think it through and if it's the only way to save myself from the ongoing frustration then I can give up on him. On the other hand, perhaps he just has too much on his plate right now. I know that he's not being inconsiderate on purpose. I think it's more that he's not thinking. In such a case I can be understanding one more time.

So I don't want to sabotage this relationship, but I also don't want to find myself a year from now in exactly the same place.

Perhaps I'm misreading it, but I thought that from the various scenarios above the 5th about ending this communication got the best answer from I Ching 17.2 to 58. So I asked a follow up question:

What will happen between me and X if I tell him it's the end? Answer: 9.1.3 to 59

I think the first line about returning to my (or our) own path is very good, but I don't know how to read the third one about husband averting his eyes from his wife.

Could you help me with that, Liss, or perhaps someone else would like to join too?

Hey Lizzy, when I see someone has asked 8 questions on a subject I think that is obsessing - just my opinion of course.
Recently I had to deal with a similar situation. I have a girlfriend who is going through her own personal crisis and I am always, always there for her although it was getting to the stage where I was thinking 'I'm getting a bit tired of this as it is wearing me out' and I was getting quite angry with her but I had to think what it is that is making me angry.
We would make plans to do spend time together and she would cancel at the 11th hour for whatever reason so I was left hanging having not made other plans for that day because we would be spending it together, after this happened a 4th time in as many weeks I thought I need to sort it.
But I looked at myself first to understand what it was about me that was causing this.
The answer - I am far to available for her and I need to plug in to meeting my needs more, not selfishly but I realised I give far more to others than I give to myself and feel almost guilty when I ask for the same in return.
It was a risk to speak to her about this because I know she gets easily offended, defensive and holds on to things as I have known her a long time and we have had a long term fall out before.
As a child growing up in my family, if I spoke up and asked my needs to be met I would be ridiculed and abused in some way, so of course I never really felt 'safe' to speak up in many situations in my life and have found myself in not dissimilar situations as yours many times over.
Anyway I spoke to my friend in the way I have learnt, using effective communicating skills.
The result was that she did respond predictably but because I didn't use anger or accusations we were able to talk and sort but I also realised that if she couldn't compromise or make changes from her end, I was prepared to let the friendship go as sad as that may have been.
As I have said in my earlier post - it's about sorting out what's in yourself and then using that to create the relationships you want - Liss

Oh well, if I asked 8 questions like "will he marry me?" I'd think it obsessive. As it is I think it's only responsible to consider various possible scenarios before making a major move in a relationship, esp. if that move can mean the end to said relationship.

Thank you for your answer, Liss, but I'm not sure it refers to the question I asked. I see the wisdom of your words, and I'm glad that talking to your girlfriend did the trick, but if you read carefully through what I wrote earlier you'd know that in my case, talking to my friend calmly, twice, didn't help.

Moreover, I see major differences between our stories, the first being: we two are very different people. I'm not shy, I didn't have your family experiences, I never got angry at a girlfriend for cancelling a meeting last minute (I didn't get angry with that friend for that reason either) and I have no problem with speaking my mind.

In any case, in this situation it's too late for that. We already had that very calm and positive conversations that didn't bring the desired results. Well, they did a bit, but not enough to ensure he wouldn't do that again. So I'm not asking now how I should talk to him about it. I'm asking what I should do about the whole situation i.e. whether I should give him another chance or not.

I don't accuse him of anything. He's an adult man and he can do whatever he wants. I cannot control him or order him around. All I can do is to determine my own behaviour. So I just want to know what I should do when he contacts me again. I do like him and I've been trying hard to help him, and I know he cares too, even though he's not always considerate enough. I'm not angry at him (I was angry only for one evening about a week ago) but I don't like wasting my time. We meet various people throughout our life and sometimes we invest more in some of them. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. I don't know which is the case here, which is why I'm asking Yi what to do about it. If Yi says it's good to stay and talk to him I'll do that, if Yi says it's best I go, I'll go, but the answers I got aren't that clear to me which is why I asked for your help with the readings.

Thank you!

And just to answer this in particular:

"As I have said in my earlier post - it's about sorting out what's in yourself and then using that to create the relationships you want - Liss"

Perhaps I didn't say it clearly enough, but that's what I already did before I had my previous conversations with him. I told him that and I drew very clear boundaries. But he broke them. And I told him before that if he does we'll end the relationship. So I wonder now if I should go through with that. I can give him another chance, but I'm afraid it'll mean to him my boundaries don't matter. Also, I can give him another chance if he's in troubles and really needs it, but I don't want to give it to him if it means he doesn't respect my boundaries, because that would mean creating the relationship I don't want.

lizzy said:

An online friend has been quiet for several days even though he had said he would have more time to talk to me during last week. It happens from time to time, so some time ago I told him I could understand a lull or two but not repeated instances of such an inconsiderate behaviour. He said he wouldn't do that again and, well, he did. I know that men do that often, without even realizing it, but I think I cannot tolerate it because 1.) it'll get worse and 2.) it ruins my own schedule.

So I was furious at first, and when I asked Yi "Why X isn't writing" I got 6.5 to 64, which I interpreted as I Ching telling me to calm down and refrain from deciding about anything while I'm angry.
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/free_I_Ching_reading/reading.php?lines=878797

I waited several days and asked "How should I behave towards X in reference to this situation?" I got 37.1.3.5 to 23.
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/free_I_Ching_reading/reading.php?lines=989897

And today I asked again "Why he's not writing?" and got 9 unchanging, which I interpreted as him being busy or perhaps spending the time on some kind of work on self-improvement.
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/free_I_Ching_reading/reading.php?lines=777877

I'd love to hear your insights on this readings. What is Yi telling me to do? Does the family hex mean I must make strict rules (or observe the rules I made earlier, which would mean ending the communication) or that I should be understanding like in a family?

Click to expand...

First have you seen this http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/friends/showthread.php?t=12642 it might help you think about the best way to pose relationship questions


Just looking quickly at your answers I'd see 6.5 as its better to bring it up with him, its okay to have this contention, this isn't a time to bottle it up. The line actually says its good fortune to contend here and in this case this might be openly posing a question to him...or even opening up the debate within yourself. So you are feeling torn...you can't just pack that tidily away. You know that as later I think you seem to be trying to choose whether to end it or go on. If you bring it before your inner judge you try to make the right choice for yourself. The answer reflects the process

37.1.3.5>23 Could be things really are deteriorating (23) 37.3 indicates its better to err on the side of severity here than on the side of laxity. Or rather things aren't really being taken very seriously and that may be undermining the relationship. 37.5 can mean hes busy attending to his own life. In Reading Circle there was a thread about how often 37.5 indicated a man who was doing his own thing, hence neglecting the lady. Thats not the usual interpetation but it seems to be a common experience. Again if you want it to continue I think you need to be clear about what you want...but of course thats necessarily within the limits of the relationship. You aren't in a position to demand but you are in a position to leave if you don't like it

I think you hit the nail on the head with hex 9....he gets round to it in his own time. Moslty Yi isn't going to be telling you what hes doing its going to be telling you how you need to respond/act. Hex 9 generally counsels patience .

lizzy said:

I asked I Ching additional questions about what would happen depending on a scenario. Could you advise me which one I should choose?

1. What if I write to him first and tell him I feel sad that he's been quiet for so long? 16.5.6 to 12
Or what if I wait till he writes to me and then I tell him ...
2. ... I have no time for him right now. 29 unchanging
3. ... I feel sad he's been quiet again but I understand that and I'm OK with it. 18 unchanging
4. ... I feel sad he's been quiet again and I don't know what to say or do about it. 41.1.2.6 to 29
5. ... that he went too far and that we shouldn't continue this correspondence. 17.2 to 58

Thank you in advance!

Click to expand...

trouble is all these questions are about his reaction....you are trying to predict his reaction. Doesn't really work. As Liss said you just have to get clear about what you want. Lots of questions about how you may or may not affect his response are probably not alot of use , see link in previous post.


Theres a good indication of how unsatsifactory a relationship is if you spend more time communicating with Yi about him than communicating with him himself. Sounds to me like he isn't meeting your needs. Can he do that online anyway ?


ETA of course you said its not romantic but even so he isn't meeting your side of the bargain. So far anyway FWIW I'd say perhaps you just need to say whats on your mind and then if it doesn't change think again

Thank you for your answers, Trojan.

About the relationship - it's not romantic, but it is important. It has a life changing quality. It's been a blessing to me, and no matter what happens next I know I'll emerge from it a better person. So I don't want my friend to seem like a waste of time, he's not.

I don't really have any expectations about it. Saturn opposes Neptune in my natal chart, which means whenever I have any expectations about a relationship I regret what I get. So I learn to be open to whatever comes to my life and judge things as they develop. However, I'm fully aware that as things stand at the moment, this relationship can't develop any further, which means that as nice as it is I'll have to go when the time comes. Which is why I'm really open in all directions.

The additional questions I asked were not about his reaction. Actually I'm pretty confident I can predict his reaction in each of the above scenarios. The questions are about whether what happens next will be good for me or not.

For example in questions 2 and 4 I think hexagram 29 means that he'll learn some more. You see the problem isn't that he doesn't want to learn (maybe I wasn't clear about it before). He does learn and there is some progress. The problem is that even if he does everything properly three times in a row then there comes a fourth time when he repeats the same mistake. Perhaps I should be more patient with him. That might be closer to Liss's reading.

In general, I don't mind that he's doing his things and not always has time for me. Actually, sometimes he writes so often that I'm not surprised he needs some time off. At the same time he's in such a period of life that he should put a lot of energy into self-analysis, so I'm happy if that's what he's doing. I'm just not happy that he didn't tell me he wouldn't write for some time.

On the other hand, in question 5, I know he'll say he's sorry and ask me to stay and promise to try harder, but if he doesn't say something really convincing then I'll go and he'll let me. So I'm asking Yi whether this scenario will be good for me. Perhaps it will, perhaps our relationship, as nice as it is, should end at this point. But maybe it should last some more and then teaching him one more time would be a better option.

I definitely don't communicate with Yi more than with my friend, and when we do communicate it's pretty intense. The problem is that my friend will not tell me when I should go, I Ching will, which is why I'm asking Yi all those questions. Things cannot go as they are for ever.

But I realized yesterday that perhaps I shouldn't ask Yi about all those scenarios only about the relationship as such, so I asked one more question, but now (after rereading the guidelines) I know it was badly formed. I asked:

Is the relationship with X good for me? and got 30.3.6 to 51.

I think it means I'll know pretty soon.

Thank you both!

Just to give you both follow up with the reading. It turns out there was a very sad event in his family, so he's fully forgiven of course.

Lizzy thank you VERY much for giving follow-up, I wish more people would do that to help us all know how closely castings and discussions predicted or revealed events.

In this case the Yi does not appear to have indicated the sad event which occurred in your friend's family and I would be very interested to hear your further thoughts and reflections on why that was the case.

Well, the last question I asked hinted on a dramatic event (30.3.6 to 51). I knew that I'd learn something of the sort, I just had no idea what it would be. This relationship if is full of surprises, and the last time I got 51 in reference to it, it was also a huge event I didn't see was coming.

However, my main question in this thread was how I should behave in this situation, and although I didn't want to see it at first, with the help of Liss and Trojan and Hatcher commentary, I saw that perhaps I should be patient and easy on my friend, depending on circumstances.

Liss said that the family was me, but I think it was the bond between my friend and myself. I made rules and as I thought about it longer he tries to respect them, just it doesn't always work. But the rules are there to help us grow, not to restrict us. The boundaries should create a home, not a prison. And so I thought that perhaps I push too much. Thanks to the reading I sat back and waited. I also stopped ignoring signals from him. Sometimes when he doesn't write he sends small sings of his continuous presence i.e. liking my status on Facebook - something to show he's still there for me. I then decided to do the same and give him a small sign that I'm there to make it easier on him. Well, he knows that I'm unhappy when he doesn't write, so it may make it more difficult for him to return if he expects to find me angry.

Next, I checked with astrology, and so I expected he'd contact me yesterday (with the New Moon in Libra), which spared me anxiousness while waiting.

As to the character of the sad event, I think it's not necessarily something very personal to him, but a situation which is tragic to the people he is close to. So he was expected to be there for them. I think Small Taming (9 unchanging) was a good answer. Something like attending to the situation at hand. Often, in the face of tragedy, the only thing we can do is to focus on the small things to put life back in order.

On the whole I'd say this: This relationship is both very important and difficult for me. It's good for me on many levels but I can't see how it could grow into something more and so I'm scared I'll go too far or stay too long and miss other opportunities in my life. So when he's in touch with me it's just great, pure and simple, but when he's not, all my doubts return, and I ask I Ching questions to give me some direction. I Ching tends to tell me I should relax and see what happens. Easier said than done, but I do my best. I think that, if nothing else, this relationship teaches me patience.