Hey everyone, just wanted some quick insight.

This is quite distressing, but the last couple times I've had sex with my partner weren't up to par, which is somewhat irregular for me, and more than a little embarrassing. I think it's just a whole lot of mental build up, like how a stutter in your step can lead to a fall, or how a spill off your bike as a kid might make you scared to get back on.

I've been trying to relieve as much stress as I can this past week and I've been rebuilding my confidence, which has been quite liberating. I think I still might have a small fear of locking up though. I was curious though, so I asked how the next time would go, and I got 53 unchanging.

53 talks about development, and if I'm not mistaken, gradual progress. Does that mean it will be better than the past few times, or am I misinterpreting. Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.

This is a really touchy subject for me, and though I appreciate blunt answers, I'd sincerely hope everyone here is adult enough not to belittle me, cause I'm only 22, and this sucks, cause I have no clue why :\

Thanks in advance,
Danny

well you may prefer a male to answer quite understandably but my view FWIW is 53 is all about taking things one step at a time in courtship. You cannot rush with hexagram 53 you really can't. Perhaps this whole issue has come up becasue of too much haste....either in the steps of actual lovemaking OR in the relationship itself or more likley both.

Sounds like you feel pressured, and the more pressured you feel the worse it's likley to be...and if you start to feel embarrassed then that's even more pressure.

You say she's your partner, not sure if you live together and are already committed but I understand these issues can often reflect unacknowleged problems in the relationship......it's just the bedroom where the problems can be harder to hide ....if you're male.


I think it would help to give yourself more space and time, and also think in general about the relationship, think about if you are comfortable with pace of it, your level of involvement etc etc.




OTOH the answer may be relating very literally to taking more time in your lovemaking....? also if worried it might be worth asking your dr incase there were any physical cause.

I think it's very important she is understanding so maybe slow the whole thing down, focus on courtship more than sex for a little while, get closer to her emotionally so you feel you can be honest with her about it, that should help relax you.


It's quite a nice answer really, slow down... enjoy more and defintely refuse to feel pressure, take a step back ask yourself what the rush is, where you feel you are being hurried along too much....


After all that I noticed you only asked how it would go next time. Well it looks okay if you don't rush and honour each stage of the process.....but I'll leave the other stuff in incase it's helpful and often Yi answers far more than we ask

trojan brings up good points, which I'm going to reiterate to some extent. But 53 is one of four "relationship hexagrams", in this case between an older woman and a younger man. But yes it does carry the other meaning of gradual progress, like a tree on a mountain (phallic imagery anyone?). Maybe it's not literal though. As far as the relationship meaning goes, it could be that in the bedroom you need to let her take charge, at least for now. Don't make the moves, let her, and see if there's any improvement.

I think the key is in your words "I think I still might have a small fear of locking up though."

It's terrible that we grow up with these unreasonable expectations that we should perform like machines, perfectly every time. You may think it is easier for females, after all, we can just 'lie back and think of England', but doing that is soul destroying and makes you hate your partner a little more every time you force yourself to do it.

53 is definitely gradual development in a relationship context and some may say it is about the time when the girl is ready to commit to a marriage. Has your relationship reached a new level of depth, emotionally speaking? Because that can sometimes cause problems due to fear etc.

Don't feel bad about being human. :bows:

Hey, Danny. Welcome.

In anything that one does where performance is measured, gains are experienced in steps. One day you go out there and are all that, and you think, yeah. But the next day you are worse than you started off being at the very beginning. That's how lasting progress is. Good sex takes more practice, or even more likely, the right woman, or your right intentions toward the woman. Something inside is asking for improvement, in other areas. Love can be one. Ambition can be another.

Sorry for not updating this thread recently. Lately it feels like a steady decline. She's on and then she's off. She wants to be friends, then she wants to be lovers. I did a little research, and started to think my problems stemmed from somewhere else, but the truth of it is that I have a million things running through my mind at once.

Life is crazy, there's no doubt about that. Any rational person would have made their leave weeks ago, but I've never been much for rationality. Where's the adventure in that?

She gives me heartache in handfuls, but when were together, well, I can't remember a time where I've been so happy, and I'm no stranger to women.

The first time we made love it came with ease, cause I didn't feel any pressure, and it all happened spontaneously. Not that other times haven't happened that way, but the first time was serene, and my mind wasn't in a stranglehold.

This forum might be about the Yi, but this post isn't. The old saying goes that we fight to hang on and we fight to let go, but at this point I don't know which end I'm struggling with.

Really, deep down, I believe she's the one. I can feel it, there's that something, and it's ever present, smacking me in the face on a pretty consistent basis.

My life hasn't been a happily ever after, that's certain, but if there's one thing I am willing to fight, bleed, and suffer for, it's this.

We only get one shot in the life we get, and I don't want to let something waste away when I see such a vast potential. Very well, it could be a romance for the ages.

A lyric from a song seems to be stuck with me.

"From the place I was, to the place I am, to the place I want to be. For the mountains I've been climbing over, and under, and over."

I suppose I am venting, but it is well due. Is love worth the struggle, or am I tricking myself? Really wish I knew.

sorry to hear it's like that. love is a bitch, they say

seems like this applies (link to video because I can't figure out how to embed)

Have you told her how you feel?
Do you think she may feel about you the same way?

I have been wondering lately, why is it even possible to feel desperately in love with someone who does not feel the same way about you? It seems like it shouldn't be possible.
I hope she does.

She knows how I feel, and at times I can see she does too, but like I said, hot and cold, on and off.

well, you know, maybe you could just try and not see your 'performance' as problematic. I know it's an out there notion, but it's not unheard of..to just accept yourself and others as they are, in the moment, and find everything beautiful anyway

Edit: men seem to be brought up on performance measures, but making love is not a competition. sometimes, it is the imperfections and faults that make things perfect. this just reminded me of a similar situation I was in once, after many goofy attempts, my then bf and I finally managed to make things happen 'properly' so to speak. I was feeling pretty good until he said, "that was a 10 out of 10". That completely ruined it for me, although I didn't say anything.

precision grace said:

I have been wondering lately, why is it even possible to feel desperately in love with someone who does not feel the same way about you? It seems like it shouldn't be possible.

Click to expand...

I see it as a sort of 23.6 thing - distance and safety with what is most unlikely to actually occur, where relationships are concerned. The one to whom it doesn't matter, receives a sedan, leaves the scene, while the hut of the emotionally attached one burns to the ground. He or she has identified with their hut, and loses everything. Ones freedom to love might have built within it its own impossibility to exist.