Dear all,

Having received all kinds of advice about a social situation I am in I decided to ask th I Ching to know what to do.. and I hesitate about my interpretation of the answer. Maybe you can help.

The situation in short : a lady I am interested in (she knows about it) is still madly in love with her ex who left her monthes ago, to the point of being litteraly sick about it. Last week I discovered her ex (which is in principle a friend) has a new girlfriend. I talked to him about it and he told me "this is not a good moment to tell her and she will learn about it sooner and later". The girlfriends of the lady know about the guy being with a new girl but told me "she will learn about it somehow". So I am apparently the only one considering telling her the truth, the others hiding being the excuse that "she is too sensitive now" or "he has not told us officialy he has a new girlfriend" . But I am in a bad position to tell her, I think, being her suitor. So my question "Should I communicate to her what I know and how?" Answer 37.3>42

My interpretation : moving line 3 : you must use harsh words, even if it dangerous, if you let this to her girlfriends it will cause trouble in the end

hexagram 42 : do it, be bold.

Well I am really afraid of being mistaken here and interpreting what I want to read.

thanks for any help
Green Dragon

yeah, looks like youve been given the task to tell her alright.

pick your words wisely

dont try to snog her before-during-or after.

dont give out about her friends not stepping up to tell her either, but do let them know when your telling her, so they can be ready for the fallout.

it does seem like the right thing to do. Just make sure she has her phone close by and her
girlfriends on standby for the shock of it all, then leave her to the recovery.


Yx

It literally astounds me how often this seems to happen in life.

I also wouldn't read 37.3 as advice to tell her but quite the opposite. 37.3 talks about being able to say anything to people who trust you but you do not sound like you have that kind of trust with this lady and she is very likely to interpret you telling her as you trying to get her interested in you and it will likely backfire and make it worse for you. I tend to be one of those people who would just blindly go in and say stuff, but I have learned that people are different and if someone's friends think they are not ready to hear a particular truth, I'd be inclined to go with their assessment.

If anything, I would be inclined to interpret 37.3 as a suggestion to firmly pursue her (as in keep asking her out) because she might decide by herself that going out with you would take her mind of him and if you 'accidentally' run into him and his new woman while you are out together, then nobody has to say anything. A bit manipulative I know but people are funny, fragile things sometimes so you have to do what works best even if it looks a bit off.

However. Are you happy to be the rebound guy, is my question to you?

Well we have a thrusting relashionship, I know this as a fact. She told me very personal stuff and so have I to her. And we communicate quite bluntly. But in principle we have agreed to take some distance.

The question of me being the rebound guy is another matter : I am her friend first and I have the feeling the others are treating her like an idiot and I feel I am betraying her not telling her.

Well, after reflecting I came with another interpretation of the reading... telling her sister what is happening and let her handle this since she is "a woman from the clan". What do you think of this?

Regards
Green Dragon

Why not ask Yi "what if I tell her sister about this situation" and while you are concentrating be aware whether you mean your feelings for her or the fact that her ex is seeing someone else. Because if it's muddled, you won't know what the answer applies to.
G'luck ducky!

Thanks for the advices. This brings a more general question : I do not like to ask too often the I Ching about the same subject. In your opinion, what is the right equilibrium in this matter?

In my opinion everyone has to find their own equilibrium, I don't believe in one size fits all scenarios.

Well for the sake of science, I will post what I have done next.
I asked the I Ching "how will become my relationship with her if I inform her directly?" Answer : hexagram 46, no moving lines.
What would have been your interpretation? I interpreted it as a green light to tell her.

I often take 37.3 as advice to take something more seriously. How would that advice relate to your question ? I'm not sure other than to understand this is a serious issue for her, not something to treat lightly. I am not saying you are treating it lightly but is it the case you are somewhat hoping that giving her this news will improve your chances with her ? It won't, she'll hate you for it if she thinks you bought her that news to get closer to her.

OTOH I agree it seems belittling to her that others keep this news from her 'for her own good'. Having said that so what even if her ex has a new girl there's no knowing how long it will last, it might just be a fling so what is the point of upsetting her ?

I think the answer simply asks you to be very clear about your motives....there is something that may appear childishly opportunistic about bringing her news the love of her life went off with someone else so you can fill the gap maybe ?

46 unchanging often shows one growing up and out of a situation and it's suprising to see how often it comes up around breakups...Look at your question here , how will your relationship be if you tell her ? is your concern really for her or for you ? I don't mean to sound judgemental there I'm just wondering where your attitude to giving this news may not be quite mature enough as indicated in 37.3

I feel if her close girl friends have told you not to tell her them take them seriously. They probably know her best.

I like all the other replies here too. But though you thinking telling/not telling her is the issue I think the issue to address may be your motive and how seriously you are taking the friends advice ?

Oh equally it could be as you say here

I am her friend first and I have the feeling the others are treating her like an idiot and I feel I am betraying her not telling her.

Click to expand...

that others aren't taking this seriously enough...and that you are right to want to inform her.

Sorry but I think there's no way to give a clear yes/no answer to this as it all depends on your relationship with and motives to her. Overall though I am inclined to feel you should go with her friends advice. If she is very fragile right now it may not be the best time to say anything

Should I tell her?
37.3>42

No. Don't knock the competition. Line 3 is inauspicious for action. Unless she asks, let her find out from someone else.

Hello everybody and thanks for your help in the interpretation.
To answer quickly to Trojan, I phrased the second question this way, from a selfish point of view, on purpose : if she was strictly a friend I would have told her right away, without any reading because it would have been in my opinion the right thing to do. The situation was complicated because she is not only a friend. So I had asked specifically in the first reading what the right thing to do was and it left me the impression that it was telling me "tell her" and so I wanted to see what I was going to lose in the process and I asked the second question.
About the "who is childish there" I had from the start the sensation that her girlfriends and ex-boyfriends were. The girlfriend didn't told me "she is fragile now, do not tell her", she told me "she will learn about it one way or another". I found it completely irresponsible when the lady had told me something like "I want to move on but it is so difficult".

The situation so far.

So. I told her. Not sure if it was the best choice but I decided to act. I wanted to tell her face to face and I phoned to her to ask her to meet and of course she coaxed me into telling her right away on the phone. Her first reaction was "oh, good for him". And then, "I do not want to talk about it". I asked her if I should have told her, she answered "no probably not, but do not bother yourself, I will be ok". End of the phone call.

(nota bene : the lady has quite a temper)

Less of one hour after I receive a call from her ex-boyfriend. Furious. "Why did you tell her? If it is to sleep with her you could have asked her! What are your motivations for doing this?!" I explained to him that I felt they were treating her like an idiot and a child and that in her place I would have liked that somebody told me. He finally apologized to me. He told me this story had opened some wounds... so she must have phoned to him... and have been furious with him.

The day after the lady texted me. "Finally you were right to tell me. I thank you. It will help me to move on".

Some days later I met on the street the boyfriend of one of the girls who didn't want to tell her. Ignored me although he knows me since 17 years. The lady had probably also an harsh discussion with the girlfriend, furious I think, because she did not tell her. So apparently the "clan" or some part of it is made at me. It is ok. I was fed up with the disfunctional behaviour of this group of people anyway (in other matters also). Even if we part for good I am fine with it.

I think here the 3rd moving line of hexagram 37 applies completely. "The family people scold with severity. There is regret and discipline. Auspicious. Women and children giggle-giggle. Ends in distress."
I also came with an interpretation with the trigramms. In this reading I am "xun the wind" (speech) and from "li the clinging" (her attachement to him) she turned into "zhen the arousing" (anger).

Thanks for updating us. It was an interesting cast for the situation but not an answer that's easy to interpret unless you are in that situation