About a month ago, I told my 4-year man in as loving, assertive, and inviting a way as I could muster, that I want to spend a lot of time with him, maybe even marry him someday. His response was a repulsed and adamant NO, followed by 4 weeks of radio silence and actually hiding from me. Meanwhile I set out trap lines, and learned through the grapevine that he's been chasing girls half his age. He hasn't the looks, the status, the money, or the time to interest the vast majority of what he apparently would like to consider his target audience.

On the advice of the Yi, I let him alone. About 4 days ago I noticed that he was not only sniffing and tugging at my trap lines, he was actually putting himself into positions where I could approach him had I wished to do so. I chose not to, instead watching inconspicuously. Today I received an email from him, explaining that he'd never intended our 4 years together to lead to anything more than fun, friendship, and good times. (He was married once for 20 years or so, and has been divorced for 6 or 7.)

I proceeded to rip him a new one, reminding him yet again that I told him in general terms but in so many words at the begninning of our relationship that I am the marrying kind and intend to remarry someday. I also made some unkind remarks about 50-year-old men who think that their "lifestyles" preclude commitment to a woman. I told him that any further fun and games are out of the question, and added that even friendship would be too painful for me in the absence of the possibility of long-term commitment. I was angry, and made no attempt to conceal the fact. Right now, I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. So of course I sat down and talked to the Yi.

A: What now?
A: 26.3.6-->19

I can't even think right now. Will someone please help me decipher all this?

Hi Calumet,

To me 26 has something to do with 'hold your breath and do not give everything, to save energy and strength'... Like a sleeping vulcano... (heaven below the mountain.,.. energy within).You are a sleeping vulcano right now, I guess, and before you erupt it's good to know that you have great energy insite you which could scare people off..

Wu Jingnuan translates the Overall Judgement as "Profit in the divination. Do not eat at home. Good fortune. Advantageous to cross the great stream." The "do not eat at home"-part to me can mean something like, 'try not to focus to much on your thoughts and what you think is best for you as you can learn from other foods then yours as well'...

Line 3 is translated as "A good horse follows. Profit from difficulties. The divination. Daily train with vehicles for defence. Advangeous to have a place to go to.'... As the third line connects with your thoughts about yourself and 'the royal prince who is ambitious to throw the emperor from the throne, but is still to weak to do so...', I guess this line tells you to follow his thougths for a while, while you 'train' yourself in defending (and not erupting :-D). Try to get his sympathy whithout leaving your actual goal (marry the damn guy :-D) out of site... You had fun, didn't you? When this line changes you get Gua 41... "Decrease" as you make sacrifes for a bigger cause... It looks like in the tactics of the Yi, to not to step two steps ahaid and step one back, but the other way round... two steps back to move one forward...

Line 6 tells us: "What is heaven's thoroughfare? A Sacrifical Offering".... I think it all depence on the vulcano NOT to erupt :-D... Everything will be fine as you give clear intentions to him, yes that's a good thing, but do it in a 'proper way'... sacrifice the temper... And do have an ultimadum in the back of your mind as Gua 19 tells you it could break you up after a long period of being patience with him... You can tell him that, but in a nice way...

I guess you where still a bit mad when asking the question to the Yi, weren't you? I think the Yi is trying to tell you to put that temper down first, before doing anything else... because the Yi does respond to situations about the question you are in NOW...(not minutes ago or minutes ahaid... :-D)...

Does this all make some sence to you what so ever :-D?

Hang in there.

Hug,
Frank

Thanks, Frank, yes, it does make sense. I loved your comment about marrying the damn man, emphasis on DAMN. I'm afraid though that, to take your excellent metaphor of the volcano a step farther, it's already erupted. I cast another hex this morning and got 25.5, which reinforces your point about the need to keep my rage in check. I think I have said all I can to a man who after 4 years of being lovers, breaks a sudden month-long silence by whining that all he ever wanted was a little fun. And it didn't take long to say what needed to be said, either. In any case I won't be contacting him, and the remaining rage will stay right here at home, where I can deal with it in my own way. This would be an excellent time to explore my nascent interest in yoga, don't you think?

Hi Calumet,
(or should I say Dame Etna :-D?)

Damn you :-D... Yoga will be a good thing... If he realy is interested in you, still, and he better be -D!), he will contact again....
In the meanwhile, give your St Helena a hug :-D...

Hug,
Frank

"About a month ago, I told my 4-year man in as loving, assertive, and inviting a way as I could muster, that I want to spend a lot of time with him, maybe even marry him someday. His response was a repulsed and adamant NO, followed by 4 weeks of radio silence and actually hiding from me. Meanwhile I set out trap lines, and learned through the grapevine that he's been chasing girls half his age. He hasn't the looks, the status, the money, or the time to interest the vast majority of what he apparently would like to consider his target audience.

On the advice of the Yi, I let him alone. About 4 days ago I noticed that he was not only sniffing and tugging at my trap lines, he was actually putting himself into positions where I could approach him had I wished to do so. I chose not to, instead watching inconspicuously. Today I received an email from him, explaining that he'd never intended our 4 years together to lead to anything more than fun, friendship, and good times. (He was married once for 20 years or so, and has been divorced for 6 or 7.)

I proceeded to rip him a new one, reminding him yet again that I told him in general terms but in so many words at the begninning of our relationship that I am the marrying kind and intend to remarry someday. I also made some unkind remarks about 50-year-old men who think that their "lifestyles" preclude commitment to a woman. I told him that any further fun and games are out of the question, and added that even friendship would be too painful for me in the absence of the possibility of long-term commitment. I was angry, and made no attempt to conceal the fact. Right now, I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. So of course I sat down and talked to the Yi."


Good for you. Buddhists say that anger is a negative state of mind, and best avoided, but I think that if anger can help you do the right thing you'd otherwise be afraid to do, then it's a useful energy, yes? I'd like to focus on that 'do the right thing' bit for a minute...

"Q: What now?
A: 26.3.6-->19"

It's a perfect snapshot of what you've just done and where you're at.

26.3 talks about moving along with and protecting what's valuable to you instead of chasing off after what seems to be the prize. You're doing that - you're sticking to values that are right for you (commitment, marriage, a fully-functioning guy) instead of chasing off after the elusive prize. It's hard to do, but carrying out what you think is right is advantageous. Your direction's a good one.

26.6 talks about how you're seeking the higher way, how this is spiritual, and how you grow and attain through this. In other words, you tell the flaky guy what he doesn't want to hear, and the Yi tells you that you're operating at a meta level in terms of life meaning. Nice.

Now, if you just *felt* okay, wouldn't that make life sweet? (I was being ironic, okay?) I think what you're going through falls into the category of 'yeah, I know it's character building and that I'm growing through trials, but if it were up to me, I think I'd just give it a miss'.

I really like it when people stick up for what they know is true and valuable for them. You're my hero. 'Great Restraining' isn't easy sometimes.

Thanks, guys. I've been bantering about being hostile and negative and impure of heart, and the truth is I am, with generous amounts of rage and indignation mixed in. Etna and St. Helens are perfect metaphors. But if this guy doesn't need a kick up the backside, ***AND FROM ME***, nobody ever has, and I have 3 kids who are jolly well learning to behave themselves. And yes I am damned sick of having my character built. It's already quite the edifice, believe me, and I should think that a little cosmetic work here and there would be more than sufficient. But apparently not.

By the way, the dance Friday night was terrific fun, the party Saturday night was a disaster, and the date Sunday afternoon was so-so.

The downside of anger is that, although it punches through situations and gets things done, you're an upset and unhappy person. (I'm not preaching here, I'm reporting...) That, and the fact that people don't enjoy your company as much any more.

It's an emergency measure, but if it gets to be a habitual way of dealing with things, it's a problem. It's like people whose body/minds are always in a mild state of adrenalin rush (but adrenalin's only supposed to be released into the system for emergencies).

So, you've dealt with they guy and the kids. Now you have to deal with yourself. My circumstances are very different from yours. My problem's identical though.

Dobro, I agree.

Anger is awesome! And it?s essential in order to release the creative power, fully. It?s all in how anger is channeled that makes the difference between constructive and destructive anger. I won?t go into destructive anger because I?m sure everyone?s familiar with it in some way.

I haven?t spoken of it here, but I?ve been going through quite a personal challenge for the last few months. The biggest result of this challenge is pent up and contained energy, which naturally at times will manifest as anger. The most difficult and essential thing in dealing with anger is being able to separate from it, so that ?it? can be seen objectively. (29)

One morning, recently, I was so full of anger that I had trouble separating from it. So I set my camera up and decided to take a picture of it. Not of me, but of this anger I felt. (It?s slightly R rated, so I won?t post it here.) I wrote the number ?34? in the upper corner, to signify that this is what excessive power looks like (in me). The act of doing all this helped me to channel anger creatively. By observing the anger in the image, I was able to ?see? it for what it was, and its power came once again under the influence of a higher power.

Anger can get to be a crutch. I have an awful lot of it, free-floating, and it's easy to grab hold of and let it become my primary motivator. I know this isn't good. Right now it's the only thing that gets my through my days, though, and I once scored extremely high on an IQ test partly because I was so intensely irritated with the test giver. I'm really not all that smart.

Another reason anger can be a crutch is that it's a defense against much worse feelings. Righteous indignation and rage are excellent covers for shame, fear, and hurt. So anger can let you hide from the basis of what is bothering you; and things do eventually get to the point where you shouldn't hide from those basic hurts. Right now I switch around among anger and grief, hope and despair. I'm glad I can't read auras because I'd be terrified to look at my own right now.

Anger serves well, though, when it sends such a strong message from hurt or frightened parts of yourself, that it moves you to act on your own or someone else's behalf. The day you start ignoring those hurts and fears is the day you begin to die.

Dobro, yes indeed, I have kicked butts and taken names. My three children did not always behave as well as they do nowadays. As for the flakey guy--well, he's his own problem, I guess. Your implied suggestion of what to ask the Yi next was excellent; and it is--does anyone in the West not know this by now?--it is a question women so often fail to ask.

Q: OK, now what about me?
A: 9.5.6-->11

I was sort of hoping for a clear message to grab my passport and bikini, and immediately leave to regroup and recuperate for a month at Club Med Tahiti. Instead I think what I heard was, pull back, calm down, relax, tend to your own contribution to this mess, and let things take care of themselves for awhile because there's nothing more you can do right now. Bide your time, and above all, keep your yap shut, Madame Etna St. Helens. I can do that, and maybe even acquire some serenity in the process.

I do like the resulting hex, 11. Peace sounds delicious.

Thoughts, anyone? And by the way, thank you all for those you've shared. You've been immensely helpful.

Yeah,use your neighbors and bide your time - that's what it's saying, I think.

One of the most positive signs is that you drew Hex 9 - *small* restraining.

How's that positive?

Hi Calumet.

As Karcher calls this method the Outer Operator, when you only change the 'changing' lines in Yang, and the rest in yin-lines, you get Gua 20 here... I guess towards yourself, you have to get a bit distant between you (the temper?) and the situation at hand... Line 5 of 9 tells about confidence in trying to let things happen to others without your own interfierance (use the neighbours...) and in line 6 the temper is falling apart... (Finished is the rain...)... The yi is only repeating that you should get calm first... before doing anything else... Get 'a peace of mind (11!) :-D

Hang in there!

Hug,

Frank

"How's that positive?"

The context of Hex 9 is small restraint.

If the situation needs no more than 'small restraint', then despite how you feel, anger and all, only small restraint is necessary - I'm thinking that either your powers of restraint are equal to the situation (good), or the situation won't be damaged by your expression and action if they're tempered by a bit of restraint (good).

And finally, no matter what it feels like, if you harmonize with the meaning that's coming through the oracle, that's good.

Well, it certainly is a relief to know that if I use just a little bit of restraint, I can't screw things up much worse than they already are. I toyed with the idea of asking the Yi how to eat him in small, dainty, restrained bites. But even I am not that depraved. Yet. Still, I have to admit that my motives are so mixed that I don't know whether I'm preparing a feast or attempting to devour the universe. Very confusing. I have to admit, though, that whatever is coming, I am beginning to feel much better. Much is due to the Yi and to all of you. Thank you.

Q: What is going on today?
A: 15.2.3-->7

What I hear is: Continue to sit still. Things are coming along fine. You're NOT the type of person who skips ahead to the last page of a mystery novel, and you can stand this suspense too.

Hi Calume,

One of the most important Chinese verbs says: "Not the goal is the most important thing, but the road you travel towards it"... I like the suspence more then the damn solution, because then the 'mystery' is over... :-D.

The Yi is giving you a very nice analogy, by the way in changing the lines of 15... When you change the 2nd, you get 46, and the picture of a bambooplant comes along... Be like bamboo... Strong and still standing! (and behave bravely :-D)

Hug,

Frank

"I have to admit, though, that whatever is coming, I am beginning to feel much better. Much is due to the Yi and to all of you."

So, are we the main support these days? lol

You connect online rather than face to face with people you know? So, the anger's a coping strategy, and actually you're kinda reclusive and shy?

Dobro, it's not funny! For excuses, I plead a demanding job, a long marriage followed by single parenthood of three children (one left at home now), and a relationship with a man who claims to have considered me a f*ck buddy for 4 years. (I don't believe a word of it, but women can be terribly naive as you may know.) I'm working, rather successfully, on fixing the social isolation problem. Meanwhile I pulled another 15.3 today. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm getting sick of following the Tao and just feel like doing something evil. I still may grab the bikini and the passport and take off for Club Med Tahiti.

15.3 ain't about accepting what's happening; it's about working your ass off in a state of modesty and (again for you) this involves a spiritual dimension. There's a rounding off or a completion that is fortunate as well.

I would imagine that in your case, the working your ass off referred to in 15.3 applies to both your understanding of the situation you're in plus dealing with the feelings that the situation is triggering. I would also imagine that the 'rounding off or completion' refers to the relationship as well. But the context is modesty, not acceptance. It's one of the most esteemed hexagrams in the Yi. See, modesty is what enables a person to move forward, and self-importance halts progress automatically and completely.

So, how does it feel if you say this out loud: "This life I've got is valuable, but my pain isn't special or more important than anybody else's - lotsa people go through relationship splits, lotsa people dump their partners or get dumped, lotsa people get hurt. No big deal. Pass the potatoes, please."

All right, all right, ALL RIGHT. Today the Yi, continuing to be kind and encouraging, gave me 30 unchanging. So I decided to spread a little light and clarity, and wrote thus:

"I'm sorry that I was so harsh the other night. I meant everything I said, but in retrospect I could have put most of it better--a persistent failing of mine. I guess there's a reason why I'm not in the diplomatic corps.

"I apologize for not calling the issue of a potential future much earlier than I did. That served no one's interests. I will hold your feet to the fire on this, though--you knew all along I'd have dropped you like a hot rock had I realized you considered me good enough only for fun and friendship. I myself thought that we could have made one another happy, or happiER, anyway--let's face it, once you're divorced, it's all damage control. [Thanks, Dobro.] And I sincerely thought that we were compatible. Obviously I was wrong."

That's it, c'est tout, fini, he'll hear nothing more from me. Pass the damned potatoes. Please.

Hex 30: radiance that arises out of a compliant attitude. This one's about cultivating acceptance of a situation, but mainly it's about shining the bright lights on it. By accepting it, you SEE it. Which is what your most recent post is exactly expressing.

Gravy with your spuds, Calumet?

There's a question in here though. On the one hand, there's no way you can get intimately involved with somebody without risk - you simply don't know what that person is really like until you've gotten familiar enough with each other to take off your pretty, social faces and find out the truth underneath. By that time, the connection's established, and having to break it is painful. In other words, you don't really get to know somebody unless you're willing to get in deep enough to get hurt if it doesn't work out. Catch 22. But I'm wondering: do you think there might have been a way to find out more about the guy earlier, or do you think you might have protected yourself better without having stuck yourself at the top of a castle tower? What if you'd stated your case earlier? "Okay, last night was nice, but you need to know that if the one-night stand turns into a ten-night stand, I'm the sort of person for whom that means we're heading for marriage. Call me old-fashioned. If you're okay with that, call me."

Dobro, that's exactly what I did. I told him not long after we met that I'm the marrying kind and want to remarry someday. I didn't say, "I want to marry you, let's go to the jeweler." I said, "I want to remarry someday." I was not mumbling; he heard and acknowledged me. I said this in different ways three or four times over the course of our 4 years together.

I meant every word I put into that email. My bad for letting it go on as long as I did without calling him out. His bad because he KNEW that had I realized he had no intentions of carrying the relationship through, I'd have dropped him so fast his ears would have bled. I loved him dearly, but there was never a question in my mind about what I need, and he KNEW. Unless he's really living in an imaginary world where 25-year-old chickies are going to throw themselves at his feet--unless, in other words, he is ignoring reality--he will realize that dropping him like a hot rock is exactly what I've done.

What I will do differently next time is to call the question a lot earlier, sometime in the 18-24 month range, instead of letting the thing drag on and on. Would you believe me if I told you that he had extremely sophisticated dodging techniques? I won't go into details, but trust me when I say he did. I've seen all the tricks now, and boy do I know what to look for.

By the way, there's an interesting study cited several places on the 'Net today about peoples' ability to spot lies. See http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6249749.

Gravy? No thanks. Morphine would be good, though.

Dobro, in case you wonder why I say that *I* dropped *HIM* ... remember that after a month of mutual silence he wrote and said that he's always thought of me as a fun friend. The grapevine tells me he's not having much luck with the little girls, which is no surprise--to me, anyway. So what I heard was, "I could use a little fun, how about it?" I don't think he expected to hear, "Are you out of your f*cking mind?"

Frank, I live near Mt. St. Helens, and closely follow the news about her. She is forming a lava dome; at night, she glows. Someday when you and I are long past caring, maybe she'll again wear a glorious, snow-covered crown. On a clear day, she took your breath away.

Calumnet,

Anger is good when the motive is right. Just ask yourself whether the motive of your angry outburst is to destroy the other or to help him realise the truth. Anger is definitely essential at times. Just don't get attached to it. Get angry and then forget it. Don't hold on to your feelings of anger.

Speaking of anger it's surprising to realise that I can't remember when I got angry last. I think that's because through spiritual practice I have understood that what I face is what I deserve and create - if not in this life, then in others. So there is then less resentment' less anger, and then the arrival at a stage when anger benefits others as well as ourselves -- even when the "victim" of our outburst fails to see it. Your 4-year old man certainly asked for it. hopefully it will help him realise his mistake.

Best for your Quest

Anita

Calumet -

'sometime in the 18-24 month range'?????? How about sometime in the 3 - 6 month range? My first husband and I knew we were on that track from the first month - stayed together 19 years, then I left him (he was a wanderer and I fell out of love with his lust for other women). My second husband asked me to marry him after four dates. We are still married after 17 years. I wonder if you are dating the wrong type of man - or possibly putting hope into relationships that are not right for you from the very beginning.

If you don't feel the other person overwhelmingly loves you after a very short time - I'd say drop him, no matter what you are feeling. I don't think hoping that someone will eventually be ready for marriage does any good. It just allows them to have their fun and move on when they find something more entertaining. And 18 - 24 months is a major amount of time to be committed to someone with no definite commitments for the future.

As for the wizards article - that is a great description of me - I might even qualify for one of those people. I can spot a lie almost immediately. Childhood trauma - my mother used to use me for a battering ram. Maybe that is why I would have no patience for a long drawn out courtship leading nowhere - I would know from the start it was going nowhere. Can you detect that without asking? Or do you have trouble figuring out whether your man of the moment is leading you on or being honest with you? Why do you let someone use 'dodging techniques' on you? Either they want marriage or they don't. Dodging means THEY DON'T.

Please spare yourself such a long drawn out period of trusting that the next guy will change in the future. Instead, trust YOUR instincts the minute you are interested in someone and listen to those instincts to tell you what he is feeling. I can't imagine giving 4 years of my life to a guy and having him call me a 'fun friend'. I think you must know in your heart that he wasn't ever serious. I think Dobro stated it well. But I think your own little voice might have told you without having to ever ask. If not, use Dobro's solution. And try to quiet your anger enough to hear your instinctive voice. It is in there.

I'm sorry to hear this has turned into such a heartbreak for you. But please let go of the anger. It has been released toward the one it was aimed at, and now you don't need it anymore. Go out a take a walk and watch the smoke from the volcano disperse.

Pam

Pam, thanks for the comments. Based on your description of how you developed your lie detecting wizardry, I'm not sure it's something I'd care to have. Not to say it wouldn't come in handy. In any case, I don't have it, so I'll have to rely on other means of figuring out what's going on.

I know for sure that 3-6 months is too soon for someone like me to call the question of a future. It's too soon for me to know whether I want a given guy, regardless of how he feels about the matter. But I'll take into consideration your suggestion to cut back from 18-24 months. Maybe 12? We'll see how it goes.

Thanks again for the comments.

Calumet - well, I'm not really interested in what happened so much as what's going to happen. The past is just an opportunity for understanding, but it's no opportunity for change. So if I ask questions about what happened between you and him, I'm actually interested in what's going to happen in your life. And more than that, I'm looking for a shift. I'm looking for a shift in you, of course - a shift in taking responsibility, primarily. But if you aren't going to claim that, then I'm interested in taking responsibility myself, cuz I belief that if you see something in someone else and they don't want it, then you have to apply it to yourself.

So, do I have to start paying attention to Mt St Helens?

Dobro, I'm not quite sure what you meant, but it sounds as though it was intended kindly. So thank you.

I'm pretty sure that what's happened hasn't perfected me--I'm just not perfectible--but I have taken a few notes to keep handy for future reference. You are most welcome to whatever useful bits I've left lying around or am able to share.

A friend made a very perceptive comment to me the other day: "You probably both hoped it would work out." It hadn't dawned on me that he also hoped for a miracle that would dissolve all doubts and fears and make things all better and we'd fall into each other's arms and live happily ever after. (I have a grapevine, and the word is he's not happy. If I'm stupid to believe this, so be it.) This was a classic flight/pursuit psychodynamic. He's terrific at flight, and I eventually get bored with pursuit. Flight/pursuit is probably one of the most common relationship patterns--you see it in marriages, in friendships, everywhere. This miserable pattern and many others can be learned in a matter of months--we are so malleable when young. But these same patterns can take a lifetime to unlearn, assuming that unlearning them is even possible. I'm an atheist and a determinist, Dobro. Still, as I say, I will keep my notes handy. They may help a little.

Paying attention to Mt. St. Helens is likely to prove something of a bore. They say she'll probably fume and fuss for awhile, but a major eruption isn't likely. She'll quiet down eventually. That's the nature of volcanoes.

Yesterday's hex, 53.6-->39
Today's, 33.3.4.5.6-->2

I am behaving myself, more or less, and intend to go on doing so. But I do plan to cut up a little at the party tonight. (No, he won't be there.)

I dont know what you do for a living, Calumet, but I'd like to suggest that you would make a good writer. Your tale reads like a short story, and you are funny! sharp. perceptive. honest.
You would have a good audience if you wrote about the agegroup 40's -50's dating scene/romance arena and sent the stories to magazines.

Nobody else seemed to see this, but I saw your 26.3.6 >19 reading as saying that you have broken through. Is it possible you already have made the shift that Dobro says he is looking for? 26.6 is about the culmination, the break-through, all the energy released, even if in a final sigh of angry resignation....... and now you may be ready for the next chapter in your life ..19.

I dont know how old you yourself are, but I am impressed with your seemingly active social life..parties, dances....good for you! Chrome-dome may come around after awhile, but maybe you will be in the arms of a new and younger lover yourself by then. Someone who is impressed by your wit and fire.
by the way...53.6...a very positive omen for a new beginning ...making use of the wisdom gleaned from the past. And 33.6 says your retreat is complete. Sounds good to me.
all the best, micheline

Yeah, I like the way Calumet writes too.

"Dobro, I'm not quite sure what you meant, but it sounds as though it was intended kindly. So thank you."

Well, my being drunk didn't help I guess, but I was dishing out advice, and it always seems to me that someone who does that should always be ready to take their own advice. My thinking (such as it was lol) was along these lines: "Well, she's surviving this and moving on and so she's gonna meet somebody else for sure, so how to avoid a repetition of the last disaster? Well, how did that happen? It must've been cuz she didn't draw the line early enough. How come? Self-deception? Understandable - that's what falling in love is half about, in a way. So, how to avoid that pattern replaying itself in her life again? Hm...take responsibility for finding out the gentleman's intentions early on and abiding by the findings, I guess."

But you know, I'm really good at fooling myself sometimes, so who am I too recommend brutal honesty with oneself?