Hi all

Ok, so I have made (and somehow still seem to make, or at least tend to want to make) some bad choices in men. Obviously I now want to break this pattern and so I am looking for ways to release that which no longer serves me. That way I can move on and actually find a good, caring and loving person who will bring out the best in me and I will bring out the best in him. Or I will just stay single and attract multiple cute kitties ..(already well on the way with 3 already)

I think that the reason why I attracted so much hardship is because I am obviously denying them in myself. Which is why I like everyone I meet, I don't pick up on toxic people , I don't have that filter. I crush and get fascinated by people very easily. I most often find something attractive in a person than not. Of course, I have met people I didn't like, but generally speaking. It is strange because I am obviously denying some 'evil' in myself, since I seem to attract it into my life. And of course, there are some mother issues on my part, and some daddy issues on the part of the guys i meet. I have to just make it clear I have undergone tremendous change already and I am much more aware of my issues, but they still affect me and I don't have complete control yet (do we ever get there?)

Because of my past abusive relationship i have been in this weird space, where my self esteem was eroded, and I have been doing some deep soul searching and really looking at myself (and of course at him) and having a daughter together it is very important for me that at least I do what I can to make this dysfunction go away and if not, at least I know i gave it my best, I did what i could do about me.

I really hope it is a case of me bringing out the worst in him, and not that he will be like this to my daughter (tho so far he seems to be a good father) or his new gf, whom both my daughter and I like very much. But she's only 26 and if he does have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) then she will very likely go thru **** as well. FOr my daughter's sake it is important that she has a good 'step-mom', plus he is much easier to deal with now after he found her, not to mention i really want no other human being to go through what i went through. I told him that straight up that i pray he never ever ever does something like that to anyone ever again, I hope he takes it to heart (though if he has NPD that will pose a challenge).

Anyway, I am obviosuly needing some serious service, because this is the third narcissistic like man I have been with since I was 23. They were very intense, fiery hot passionate relationships, that just turned ugly and abusive, where my boundaries were completely violated (because I never asserted myself) and so my ex totally disrespects me up to this day. It SUCKS because I deserve to be respected, but obviously something in my sub-conscious is not agreeing with me, or didn't at the time we were together and the pattern has stuck. The first 2 were not as bad as the last one though, more like, the 'warm up' or the dress rehearsal for the grand finale, hehe

Oh yeah, I chose to have his baby... so he is in my life FOREVER. Must deal, but never repeat. Must move on, leave it all behind and let it empower me and not hold me back.

So I asked yi, what is most important i know about my denials?

34.4 Perseverance brings good fortune. Remorse disappears. The hedge opens; there is no entanglement. Power depends upon the axle of a big cart.

Step by step and with faith, trust and willpower I will overcome them? Great, that's good news. I am open to feedback here, don't get the axle strap thing completely. Strength of my effort?

So then I asked

What is most important I understand about my denials? And got 16 unchanging

I swear yi is toying with me, because 16 can also mean self-deception. Is it related to self-confidence? Music?

Maybe it is more constructive to ask

Please can I have some advice on how to most effectively deal with my denials? 47 unchanging

Keep on keeping on even if you feel you are being 'suppressed'. Don't look at it as suppression, look at it as a way of growing more beautiful, as you have to develop unique and creative ways to deal with the 'suppression'. Like a bonzai, they are amazing because of constant control and suppression of their growth. It's kinda nice, and it kinda sucks..

I just want peace in my life, AND a man who is good for me. Is that really too much to ask people?

Ok, dunno if you fell asleep halfway, pretty long post, but any feedback would be well appreciated! :bows:

Hi, WiteWidow,

Your three questions seem like one and the same. I'll take Yi's first answer: 34.4 to 11. Basically, this says you'll have a break through, you'll find a way to solve your problems. You have within the power to brake the pattern, change what needs to be changed. If you work on it and have patience, nothing will prevent you anymore from choosing the right man. I think Yi is telling you that fate is favorable.. The rest depends on you. You seem to know now what's best for you and why things didn't work out in the past, so why not get lucky?

WiteWidoW said:

I like everyone I meet, I don't pick up on toxic people , I don't have that filter.

So then I asked

What is most important I understand about my denials? And got 16 unchanging

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When you said above that you didn't have that filter, that way of discriminating between people, that is an insight but it doesn't help you discriminate better in the future. There must be a way to practice what you are striving so hard to grasp, so that you can actually feel that you have a good, strong filter that prevents no-good people from getting close to you. This is entirely do-able. It's a matter of bringing the fantasy down to earth, grounding it in daily life.

I'm so glad to hear that this man is a good father to your child.

Hi WiteWidow,

I really feel for you. I'm related to someone I suspect has NPD, so no true escaping for me either, just dealing with it. You say that there might be some "evil" in you. I have to disagree. I find it's more about patterns and roles we assume/learn when we are quite young and unconsciously replicate as adults. I call them defaults (positions and roles we fall into without even thinking about it). Changing defaults can be hard work. It can be done. Are you a peacekeeper? Used to dancing to someone else's tune (even if you don't want to)? Think about it. Also, from here on out, I'm not calling it denials...it's defaults. Everyone has them. Some defaults work better than others. Some defaults work well in one situation, but not in others. Mine could use some work (a lot of work).

Now to the readings...

What is most important i know about my denials? 34.4>11

I think this reading is auspicious. Wilhelm interprets 34.4 as:

If a man goes on quietly and perseveringly working at the removal of resistances, success comes in the end. The obstructions give way and all occasion for remorse arising from excessive use of power disappears.

Such a man's power does not show externally, yet it can move heavy loads, like a big cart whose real strength lies in its axle. The less that power is applied outwardly, the greater its effect.

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You can do this. You have the inner power.

11. Peace

I love peace. "The small departs, the great approaches."

What is most important I understand about my denials? 16 Unchanging

This one is a little trickier. 16 unchanging for me has been the Yi telling me to be realistic. Sort of saying "Hey girl, keep it real." Maybe it's saying something like you'll be able to change how you react to him but you probably will not be able to change him or his relationship with the new GF.

Please can I have some advice on how to most effectively deal with my denials? 47 unchanging

I like LiSe interpretation of 47 (Enclosed Tree)

Remember your garden! Life can be big and interesting or full of duties, but happiness dwells in a small and limited place, a secret garden. There the tree of life is growing. Never stay out of there too long.
The tree of life grows only in the magic circle, the symbol of one-ness, and that is your garden. It is the only place where it can grow. The power of life comes from that tree.

Prisons exist too, but they are not inside, they are outside the garden. You can be a prisoner of opinions, fears, guilt or duties. As soon as you enter the gate of your garden, you are no prisoner anymore, all is locked out.

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So...I think this might be about staying centered in your secret garden. I think it's also about boundaries. Maybe something like....you will have to defend your boundaries to preserve your tree of life (not easy when dealing with a narcissist).

I hope this was helpful. I find the lessons I learn the most from always hurt the most too.

Chibi Chan

Hi Wite Widow,

I hope that my saying this isn't out of line or presumptuous. If this doesn't apply to you, I'm sorry for bringing it out.

My impression of 16 for you is that what is most important for you to understand about your denials is that in these connections something is so compelling that you end up abandoning your own grounding, your own boundaries and reason. It may be the intensity and exhilaration of passion that is so attractive. The electric jolt of the connection. Or maybe it's getting carried away with who you hope the person will be.

It looks like it's also important for you to know (34.4 > 11) that you have great power within yourself should you choose to use it. I think line 4 is talking about using your own power to move in the direction you want to go, towards fulfilling your vision of an ideal relationship or situation with your daughter. 11 suggests to me that this is a process of learning how to ground and apply the power mindfully and deliberately instead of letting it jolt you.

Effectively deal with denials with 47. I agree with Chibi Chan. Establish and communicate clear and definite boundaries.

If you have trouble saying no, consider this: my friend has a compulsion to be nice and submissive to customer service people. Her therapist suggested that she find during the week one opportunity to be rude or outrageous to a customer service person. Not sure I'd want to be the recipient, but it's an interesting idea.

Peace

John

PS by the way, when I wasn't sure if I'd post this, I asked Yi Jing on LiSe's site. I received 12.6 > 45. You might find 12.6 interesting. (That's when I added the final paragraph.)

Dear WiteWidow,

What is most important i know about my denials? 34.4>11

I have had this reading in two very important moments in my life and I believe that your breakthrough is already on its way. I think that it is going to happen, you are going to brake those old patterns and disentangle yourself (34.4) and the "small that departs" (11) represents things that have no place in your life, opening space for what is better for you. I imagine that this all happens as a combination of your awareness of what the problem is, your willingness to change for the better and even by asking the Yi, reflecting on your readings and on the advice/interpretations that people have posted here for you.

Hope that helps :bows:

Thank you all, such great insights. It all sounds just about right. I am interested to see how it goes with the new gf, because even though it is none of my business per se, it will help me spot a pattern, if there is one. If not, then it was just a a case of bringing out the worst in the other, and in one way will make this whole thing less ominous to deal with.

34.4 does sound pretty good, and I guess it is referring to inner strength, not a show of strength, but inner resilience which nobody sees or notices that wears down resistance over time with analytical thinking from a heart space (horns not damaged by the opening of the fence?). That it allows me for open up and dare to be vulnerable because I understand now what true strength really is? Don't mistake kindness for weakness type thing?

I clearly recognise the fact that i fall in love with the potential that I see, instead of the reality of the person in front of me. I have recognised this for a long time, but kind of not taken it in as something harmful, rather as something to help create the best version of the other as possible. I have to see what is in front of me and think to myself, this could be as good as it gets, can i live with this? Yes or no? Not project a wanted outcome, where all the potentials that i see have come to fruition, and then when it doesn't happen or when it deteriorates I get ultimately disappointed. Maybe the 16 is referring to that?

The 47 for boundaries makes perfect sense. The most effective way of dealing with NPD's is to draw up clear and firm boundaries. This has never existed between us, and now I feel extreme resistance from him on it from time to time, because he is noticing i am gaining my ground back and he doesn't like that, because that means he is losing ground. I asked about denials, and I guess by limiting my own limiting beliefs or denials, I can also change the outcome of what holding on to these false beliefs would have me create. Also I guess the image of tending to one's own inner garden makes sense, meditation, self-reflection, using the yi and this wonderful forum could also be examples of tending the garden.

Would be great to have some nice feeling change, for a change. Maybe 12.6 is reflecting that? (crossing fingers) Lets hope for some much missed 11 energy in the relationship area of my life.

Thanks for great insights!

WiteWidoW said:

34.4 does sound pretty good, and I guess it is referring to inner strength, not a show of strength, but inner resilience which nobody sees or notices that wears down resistance over time

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You've got some great insights yourself.

WiteWidoW said:

The 47 for boundaries makes perfect sense. The most effective way of dealing with NPD's is to draw up clear and firm boundaries. This has never existed between us, and now I feel extreme resistance from him on it from time to time, because he is noticing i am gaining my ground back and he doesn't like that, because that means he is losing ground.

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Hi Wite Widow,

The quote above reminded me of something interesting someone told me. She was talking about power dynamics in relationships. She said it so often happens that when a relationship breaks up one partner seems to be unscathed and flying high while the other is feeling low and upset. She said that when the one feeling down starts to feel better and more independent, it often happens that the other will come around wanting to reconnect. I understood that this is because the energy dynamic is like a see-saw.

This seemed really interesting and helpful for being aware of the give and take in relationships. And the way we sometimes seek a sense of advantage at another's expense.

So it seems really wise to cultivate the inner garden, a sense of one's own inner resources and richness. That one can rely on instead of looking outwardly for value. I whole-heartedly encourage you in this!

May the force be with you!

John

(I think the person I was talking to was referring to Cindy Griffith-Bennett's book, Soul Soothers.)

I would love a course in spotting toxic people though. That would be great.

WiteWidoW said:

I think that the reason why I attracted so much hardship is because I am obviously denying them in myself.

I deserve to be respected, but obviously something in my sub-conscious is not agreeing with me,

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For some reason, I'm not getting what you mean in these statements. I'm with you with what you wrote, but these two comments were like speed bumps in the road for me. Not understanding the psychology of it.

Well, in terms of Jungian shadow psychology - The things we adamantly deny in our psychological makeup, we tend to attract in the form of repetitive experiences or people who more openly express these less desirable qualities in their personalities.

At the end of the day, people treat us the way we allow them to - hence, something in my subconscious is allowing for my boundaries to be overstepped. I am much clearer about this now, and perhaps next time aorund I will be able to set healthy boundaries, but in this current relationship it is hard to regain ground. It is happening though, and my ex means that it is just a "bad habit" on his part.. i'd say..