So, I have performance anxiety with my girlfriend. It is messing up our sex life. A lot of times she gets mad at me cuz she feels rejected(if I wasn't super attracted to her, I wouldn't get so nervous, it wouldn't happen) and we fight about it. But I have explained the situation a few times and she seems to slowly be more understanding about it.

I asked the I ching: What can I do to solve this issue?

I ching said: 26.1.4>50

please and thank you :bows:

psychonaut613 said:

So, I have performance anxiety with my girlfriend. It is messing up our sex life. A lot of times she gets mad at me cuz she feels rejected(if I wasn't super attracted to her, I wouldn't get so nervous, it wouldn't happen) and we fight about it. But I have explained the situation a few times and she seems to slowly be more understanding about it.

I asked the I ching: What can I do to solve this issue?

I ching said: 26.1.4>50

please and thank you :bows:

Click to expand...

I follow Huang's method of only consulting the yin line (if you have two and one is yin the other yang).

So, line 4 says that she needs to tie you up! LOL

Seriously, the line talks about how control leads to good fortune. Perhaps you should do something to increase the sexual tension a bit more. Control yourself until you can no longer control yourself. Know what I mean?

That's how I read it.

Holding back will build up the pressure naturally. It's the worst thing in the world to rush into unbridled sexual passion. Looks great on paperback covers, but it's quick death, and dissipation into oblivion. I could only chuckle at the headboard of a young bull, and with what esolo said, about restraint. Could be true. But it would take a sexually strong woman to do that, and not by force, but by mind and creativity. Believe it or not, ladies, men really do have a mind. If a woman wants to tap into a man's mind, all she has to do is tap into his sexual fantasy, and be willing to play, or at least tease with his idea.

A guy's erection is a result of relaxing, not of get all excited, contrary to popular perception. Create enough anxiety and OF COURSE the dude will be popping little blue pills to try and get there. And, most likely she will take it personally as being unattractive.

So go slow. Restrain the bull, by your choice... or hers. Either way could work.

I'd like to respond, but please clarify first.


When you say "perfomance anxiety", are you referring to:

A- Not being able to get it up
or
B-Premature ejaculation
or
C-Getting it up, but 'losing the wind from the sails' sometime during the activity without ejaculation


Don't be ashamed for asking about this, it is more shameful not to seek help when help is needed.

all three have happened at one time or another, mostly b and c though

I have asked other questions since as she was talking about needing time and space from me, and her overall behavior toward me hasn't always been nice.
She has said at times she doesn't think things will work out between us. I need for her to be understanding about this problem as well as improve on her overall respect toward me, so I also asked: what if I give her a sort of ultimatum, making it clear she must change her behavior to keep me?
got 45 unchanging
and I asked: what if I just stick with her and continue working on things?
1.1.2.3>12

I think that giving her 'a sort of ultimatum' will result in you gathering yourself together in a good and productive way. Just continuing on doesn't seem to lead to much of a good outcome, since you perceive her as being non-understanding about this problem -- and also lacking in respect for you at this time. A discussion about this sorry state of affairs in which you lay your position on the line certainly seems to be in order.

ok, i want to talk about "B" first because it is simple, then "C" after (because it can be unrelated)

26: Legge: Heaven (Dynamic Active Energy) in the midst of the Mountain - the image of Controlled Power. Thus, the superior man studies the words and deeds of ancient men in order to build his virtue.
(me= Heaven in the Mountain= Storing up/increasing your sexual energy)
(me= do some research to see how other people successfully accomplished this)

So how do men increase their energy/stamina? (by exercising.)
When you get regular exercise of any kind, it increases your vitality.
you can specifically do Kegel exercises:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegel_exercise#Benefits_for_men

line 1:
Blofeld: Trouble threatens -- it would be wise to bring activities to a halt.
me= You have to stop completely when you first notice "it" is about to happen.

line-4
Blofeld: The headboard of a young ox -- sublime good fortune! [The symbol is a piece of wood, not unlike a cangue, used for the same purpose as a rope and nose-ring. The suggestion is that one who has not yet attained his full strength benefits from being restrained.]
(me= restrain the release of your energy in order to "Store it up" / Tame it.)
Make love to her without taking your pants off: Get as excited as you want, and bring her to orgasm without using your penis (well a little bit), without having any intention of having one yourself.
If you mastrubate, stop doing it. Reserve your energy for Public Service, not just your pleasure)
Legge: Controlled Power means being firm and correct. If its subject doesn't enjoy his family revenues at the expense of public service, there will be good fortune. It will be advantageous to cross the great stream.

If you do these things, you can build up Endurance / Stamina. Enough so that eventually, you will have the ability to engage in sex, bring her to orgasm first, then stop, and lay sweaty and smiley because she is happy, and with the knowldege that by stopping then, you will have even more energy next time.

ok now on to "C".
I want to share some personal experience to show how this one can be unrelated to vitalty.
I am an athletic male (Martial Arts and Qigong) and in good health. My sexual performance was
'sub optimal' only with one partner from my past:

(start here) There was a woman whom I loved very much, who would come and stay at my home for two to four days. The following morning she would say, "I'm sorry. I love you but, i'm not 'in' love with you" and she would quickly leave. It was very emotionally painful when she left, my heart fell to the floor. ("Aint no sunshine when she's gone...") About two weeks later she called on the phone saying, "I miss you, I want to be with you, can I come over?" So, I would let her come over and....
Go back up to (start here) and continue reading.

I let this go on for half a year (for reasons that, began in a dream, and belong in another post)
Somewhere in the middle of this relationship, the "wind began to leave my sails" in the middle of intercourse. It was embarrassing to me, and she became frustrated and irritable.

pay attention here:
~~~~My Body was wiser than my Mind~~~~
It knew that this was a bad situation to be in, though my mind did not yet comprehend, and wasn't ready to accept.

So, i asked the Oracle near the end:

"Please, what am I doing wrong here?"
answer: 8 line 3
Legge: ...seeking for union with such as ought not to be associated with.
Blofeld: He joins himself with evil-doers.
Wu: He associates himself with questionable characters.

Ouch! and Bingo!
The next time she called, I told her that I loved her and that I did not think it was a good idea for her to come over anymore. And she has not.

So vitality issues aside,
Could your body be trying to tell you something?

I have a lot of fears about this relationship partly due to her behavior and partly bc I have my own issues. I believe these fears are what blocks me. The first time it happened I remember feeling fear in my belly about the relationship and then it went less than 100% erect and then she pointed it out and I went limp. The second time it happened she had snapped at me not liking the way I was doing something particular in bed.

I like how 50 the cauldron says something about how as long as there is 'wood' below the fire burns above

before I could do the give her the ultimatum thing, we ended up txting back and forth a few times and I got the impression she may already thinking about the things I was going to hit her with. So I asked if I actually have to discuss this with her to get her to think about it and got: 29.1.2 > 3

Thanks everybody and especially moss elk :bows:

Well, I don't have anything to add in regards to your actual situation, since you seem to have it figured out, but if you find fears and cares getting in the way of your sexual expression and power, I think you ought to read Wilhelm Reich's earlier works (I mean his early revolution-oriented works, skip the kooky later stuff about blue energy and rain-seeding) about the function of the orgasm and how the repressive society we live in locks down the expression of our sexuality. Probably not anything you need right now, but I try never to miss an opportunity to get people into Reich.

Well I just had another conversation with her. Looks like she wants to be friends and see other people but she was insistent that she won't even try the sex thing anymore because she thinks it will always be limp whenever she touches it on into infinity. And yet the way she was saying it was kinda like she was trying to convince herself more than me. We're at an impasse bc she won't allow any amount of fooling around w out promise of the big reward at the end. and yet she was saying it frustrated her so much bc she liked me so much
I told her to try being more understanding and that if she could be more emotionally stable to build trust, it will work She thinks only older women can be understanding of such a problem. truly she has some misconceptions about the world.

I guess my penis was smarter than me after all moss elk

May it be best to move on psychonaut613?

watch this movie if you can, and see how the health of the main character changes
when he meets someone good for him, and therefore has good sex.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111001/

The sex was good. Quite good, actually. It's just that I started having this anxiety thing.... oh well

Well, one more question.
I'm either a glutton for punishment or someone trying like hell to make it work. For the record I'm right now finally to the point of sitting on the fence, if it works out it works out, if not, I can be relieved.
And thanks a lot for all your help and support everybody.
We had talked about me seeing a doctor about my problem. I know the doctor can't fix it or tell me anything I don't already know, but it may help her to know that I am doing everything I can, and this has helped with her misgivings about the relationship in the past. So I asked if seeing the doctor would achieve the desired effect? (meaning help her in some way to change her attitude about this, knowing I'm doing all I can).

I got 2.5> 8

"A yellow garment is auspicious." I believe that means it would be good to follow another, as in consulting with a doctor and following his recommendations.

The doc didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He also suggested that it probably needs to be worked out within the relationship.
But then, maybe I just need to wear yellow underwear

Oh well, Einstein said the important thing is to never stop questioning, so...
I was thinking about things being basically over and remembering how good things were in the beginning we met and ended up talking all night and spending the whole weekend together. Things just clicked. And after a while started going downhill. I don't understand how something started so well and seemed so right and then ended. So I asked what was the purpose of our meeting. Got 64.2>35

It seems to be saying the purpose of your meeting was to slow you down.

well we had a talk. we are both going to see other people but stay friends and hang out sometimes.
The talk did involve things I could do better, like not being as codependent(she's not completely wrong although most relationships have some degree of codependency) and such and we talked about not writing off the idea of reconnecting in the future as she wants to work on herself. She insists she probably won't be having sex with anyone until her planned move for more than one reason. But in her words she probably won't stop being a bitch in the bedroom so we can't work on this problem at this time.

So, I was thinking that when I asked the purpose of our meeting the i ching possibly answered the real question on my mind which was why this was going on and that it didn't make sense. The answer: before completion, meaning this situation hasn't fully developed yet, line 2 meaning it is right to apply the brakes and slow down at this time until conditions are right for 35 rapid and easy progress whether with her again or not I don't know.
This kinda goes along with my 13.6>49 reading in another thread

I allowed her to suck me back in again.
After a week or two away from me, she started begging me back, saying she was sorry.
We hung out yesterday and fooled around a little, but that was all she wanted to do for now, and she did seem impressed by the fact that things were working on my end. I think it was mainly bc most of what I had been afraid of that caused performance anxiety had happened at that point(She left me and started dating others)
But she left me with "I need some time alone."(nothing new, she did this all the time even in the beginning, and always came back)
About a week ago I asked: Whats going on where things went so well between us in the beginning and then she became distant and eventually said she was unattracted to me?
19.1.2.4.5> 45
And today I asked: Is it time for me to give up on her(meaning making it clear her behavior is unacceptable, say goodbye, then no contact)
26.3.4>38

Please and thank you

26.3.4 > 38. When people are in a hex 26 relationship, I think they feel uncomfortable just about all the time. In line three you are advised to practice self-defense, the implication being that you are under attack. And yet this is a romantic line, too, in that it is often received by people in couples.

The fourth line moving says that a horn guard would be auspicious and this means that you come up with some way of protecting yourself from her sharp edges.

Your relating hexagram is 38 and it indicates that at the time you asked your question, you were filled with a sense of opposition. 38 is most complex when it comes to male/female relationships, because it says that men and women are different and opposed to each other, and yet they share a desire for union. Hex 38 says there is a way we can keep our individuality intact and at the same time enjoy relationships with people very unlike ourselves. At times I have thought I'd have to become a saint to realize this in practice, because the sense of disliking someone, or disliking things about them, can be stubborn and strong. I do think it takes a lot of work, just as line 26.3 takes a lot of work. Mostly it has to do with letting things go and being able to forgive. It means forgetting offenses and just letting the other person also be free to be themselves, even though things about them continue to grate on our nerves. After all, nobody's perfect, and I certainly am no paragon, either. I think it takes a sense of humor. One gets over the sense of opposition because one wants to. If one doesn't want to get over it, if one doesn't think the relationship is worth it, then I would say end it sooner rather than later, because the longer a relationship goes on, the more permanent it becomes.

It's funny though, hex 26.
I sort of got her interested in the i ching and one day(when things were better between us) she wanted to ask the i ching the purpose in our meeting or being together something like that and the answer was 26 and I'm pretty sure line 4 was one of the lines and it changed to, I think 13.

26.4

Hex 26, line 4 moving, changes to hexagram 14, Great Possessions.

Ok so my stubborn, glutton for punishment self keeps trying. A few nights ago we had a small argument about things again and finally at the end she said it was good enough for now that I make her feel loved. But we still weren't really having sex, just fooling around sometimes. I asked if I would be able to get out of this impasse(meaning having sexual relationship again) : got 38.6 > 54
I don't know if 54 was a temporary 54 or a permanent one(perhaps she is the one feeling like the marrying maiden?), but we kept fooling around here and there all weekend and a lot of cuddling. I gave her some oral sex and she said it was fantastic and was glowing and gushing about it for a couple hours. Then the next day, we tried sex and I didn't last long(still a bit of performance anxiety but at least I got it up). Eventually the old argument ensued and she left. I know she is moody and this will probably change and she will want me back again, but I'm really reaching my limit with this.
So I asked what my best course of action is: 50 unchanging

please and thank you for your input everybody :bows:

Don't torture yourself. Hex 50 unchanging is very auspicious and presages success. When we get it, however, we are likely to be feeling rather unsettled.

50 would speak the word refine to me in such a case as this. I'm mean, you talk about sex with her like a plumber talks about drain pipes. What does 'we had sex' mean? Something in your approach is causing her to oppose intimacy with you, inner resistance or conflict, something doesn't feel right.

When does 'fooling around' become sex? Jerry Seinfeld said, it's when her nipple makes its first appearance.

If you were to treat the entire experience with her as a cauldron, for the purpose now of refining your mutual sex language, verbally and physically, not treating it carelessly and breaking its leg.

Do not think you can get back to 'normal' after that, you will be slightly changed, and the road back is near to impossible. LiSe

Click to expand...

Actually, I talk to her about sex differently than you guys. Yes, "we had sex", but we worked up to it with fooling around and cuddling(I usually touch and kiss her neck and shoulders first while cuddling her and sorta slowly work my way down, skipping the breasts and genital areas until she asks me to)

I just didn't feel like going into detail when I'm just here to ask a question... Maybe there is something off with my approach, but I'm pretty sure It's as I said at the beginning of the thread. Performance anxiety disappoints her, she takes it as rejection. Why would she get so angry if she didn't actually want to be with me?

You're angry too. You're angry that she lacks understanding and that she gets impatient. She often disrespects you. Didn't she say that only an older woman would put up with a problem like you have? This puts the pressure on you to accomplish a perfect performance so as not to provoke her. She has a lot of sharp edges, and yi, sometime near the beginning of this thread, urged you a couple of times to put a headboard on the young ox. That means, I think, to come up with strategies to blunt her sharp edges -- so she won't hurt you.

What can I do to blunt her horns? 42.1.2.6>29

There was a day a few weeks ago when she was going off at me and ready to drop me off at home and I was so angry I was ready to leave her for good, but she said something about just wanting peace and it triggered me to breathe slowly and deeply and I was thinking inner peace and calmed way down inwardly and as we discussed things she calmed down, reacting to my inner nature and next thing I knew she wanted me to stay at her house.