Hi everybody,
I'm new to this forum and I'm not an expert in I Ching reading (I'm not a native speaker, so excuse me for my English).
I would appreciate your help with a question I really have at heart at the moment: my daughter sport activity and her feelings, to help her not to get too hurt (she is 12). Maybe, me and my husband are making the problem bigger than what it is, but it's hard to be parents and to do the right thing sometimes.
S. is not really gifted for sport, she does her best and works hard , but she's always the weakest of her team. She has been playing for 2 years, last year she had a female coach and she was always on the bench, a reserve, and she was always frustrated. This year she changed coach, a man, who really helped her to grow up and made her feel better, but... Now everything is starting to be like in the past, during the match she continues not to play for the most of times. She is starting to feel bad again, we have thinked to ask the coach if it is better if she stops this sport, but she loves it and she likes to be in the team,where she has some good friends, so we decid to wait.
But something happened this week that bothered us: last sunday the team had a long transfer (2 hours journey, early wake up, hard work in the previous days to do her homeworks), they had to play 2 match, but she played just 4 minutes in one match and when she came home she was upset because 2 girls who have just starded played much more. We are aware that they are better than she is and we don't pretend that she plays all the time, but she feels it as unfair, and we were upset as well, we would have preferred the coach left her at home, so she could at least rest (she is really tired in the last times).
After this long introduction, the question: I asked the I Ching if it was right to spek to the coach about what happened and the answer was 7, 3 - 46
7 is about an army, a team maybe? 46 looks auspicious, it's about growing up.
Line 3 seems a bad omen, but Lise write:
"Yin at 3: Should the legion cart the corpse. Pitfall.
Take extraordinary measures if necessary, but stop with them as soon as they are not longer needed. Only a matter of huge importance can be their ground. Without this ground they are only detrimental. "
So, does it mean to act? Am I just trying to look for good news?
So my husband was supposed to speak to the coach yersterday, and I asked which outcomes there will be for this exchange. The answer was 13, 2. 5 - 14.
This loks like a very good one to me, 2 man are going to meet. Again frome Lise.
"Yang at 5: Union of people: first wailing and weeping and yet afterwards laughing. Great legions are capable of mutual encounters.
For relations it is necessary to know where you're at. Make your intentions and feelings known, as soon and as clear as possible. The enemy is always the one you don't know. Talking can turn enemies into friends. Real leaders are capable of meeting with even the worst of enemies."
It looks like an invitation to speak, but somewhere, I don't remember where, I read something about some kind of risk so I asked about the risks there could have been: 41, 3 -26
To many people? Maybe, my husband could talk to the coach because other people were talking to the president of the team about some other (bigger) problems.
Anyway, yesterday, even in the training session my daughter didn't play in the small match the do at the end. Well, actually she played justa little time, because one of her team mate's hands were cold and she went to her to ask the change, it wasn't the coach to call her...
So we were more and more upset and decid to talk to the coach, he looks like a good person , we understand that there are the team's interest, but we are afraid of our daughter's feeling, as I said she is 12 and she loves this sport and her team, but she is suffering and people should come before teams
We don't want to be hard, just ask for more clarity and, if they are not going to let her play, just not to convoke her (even if I'm starting to think to make her stop with this sport).
One last question, what do we have to do in this situation? 34, 5 - 43
43, frome Lise again:
"Speaking out one’s conviction, or holding up one's dignity, can be a dangerous venture, but it is necessary for a clean and healthy heart – and it may also benefit the rest of the world.
Don’t keep still, but take care. Evaluate the possibilities and if it is necessary. Avoid fighting; there are better ways that give more results. Reckon with people’s ability to understand – or their not being able to. And especially with the reactions of those in power. Nobody will benefit by your losing your head."
So don't be to hasty, take a breath, calm down and wait for the right moment and the right attitude?
Thanks for your patience in reading my long post and my many questions. Your insights would be of great help to me and really appreciated.
Thanks

If it was right to speak to the coach about what happened 7.3 → 46 (Ascend, take a wider view)
Nigel Richmond, line 3:
The past is dead, it cannot change to meet circumstances and the warrior requires spontaneous reactions to avert disaster. This is our situation also; our progress depends upon our present awareness, not rules we have learned.
Yes of course, but don't just talk about it, what's happened - happened, you need to really change something.

Daniels: 3. Leadership is lacking, resulting in failure.
Either you should do more, or that coach is not so good after all.

So my husband was supposed to speak to the coach yesterday, and I asked which outcomes there will be for this exchange. 13.2.5 → 14
Daniels:
2. Avoid cliques and favouritism.
5. Share your pains and your joys.
I think it says you should change the coach, look for someone new outside your circle.
Line 5 - You will have to break-up all the ties to this coach, but then you will find another one and there will be joy.

So I asked about the risks there could have been: 41.3(Decrease) → 26 (Great Potential)
Crowley: 3. Three walk, one's gone; one walks, and meets a two.
Well of course, the risk is you loose a coach, but then another one finds you.

What do we have to do in this situation? 34.5(Power) → 43 (Separation)
Daniels: 5. There is no need to be stubborn or overdo it.

Stop doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.
43 Separate from this coach, find a new one.

OR: If your daughter is frustrated sitting on the bench - why continue with this sport at all?
The child should be happy, why waste time being frustrated?
Yes of course she doesn't want to loose her friends on the team, but it would be better I think to lose 'small' and then gain 'great' in form of new activity with new group of friends that will really bring happiness to her life. Maybe there is that (7.3) 'leadership lacking' from you to change this whole situation.

I remember myself at the age of 10 forced to move to a new school, losing contact with almost all my friends whom I knew since 1st grade. I felt cold and alone for a month. But that feeling had passed and new friends soon filled my circle.
I mean your girl is not really at a position to change things, she needs help.

Hello Psiche, this is a difficult situation and the overall tone of your readings reflects this. As loving parents we often become more involved than we should (7,3 indicates that the wrong person is assuming command of the situation - Wilhelm/Baynes) but we are driven by our love to attempt everything possible to resolve the situation. Let us briefly re-examine the situation and see if it reveals a way forward.

Coaches identify with their teams, that is, the success of the team becomes closely associated with their assessment of self-worth and projected reputation. Your likely response to this will possibly be "His priority should be the teaching of the children" and at a superficial level he would agree with you entirely, but beneath this polite persona will almost certainly remain a deep-rooted identification with the success of the team. Any approach to the coach will almost certainly be politely received but underneath it will be experienced as an intrusion into his personal domain of control, 34,5 is urging you to lose your obstinate approach on this and (43) eject, part, abandon it decisively.

You don't actually state in your post what sport the team are playing but would it be possible for you or your partner to play this sport with your daughter and improve her game, you don't have to be a professional coach to spot any obvious weaknesses in her game and work on them (this is the yang aspect of your approach) meanwhile ask her to patiently continue attending the team training and games (this is the yin aspect of your approach). Eventually, this twofold approach will create sufficient 'presence',' without a word to the coach, that he will likely invite your daughter to participate fully. Wait until you see a significant improvement in your daughter's game and only then, if the coach still hasn't responded, do you go in and meet the coach, but now substantially armed with her improved game and her prolonged patience.

This is a difficult lesson to have to learn at twelve years of age but it could teach her a most-important life-lesson that she would be able to use throughout the rest of her life - You don't always achieve what you want by going directly for it (the Western approach), you sometimes have to allow the Universal Process to do it for you.

Ashteroid and Peter, thanks for your advices. Even if your approaches are different, they both hit some crucial points and they reflect the dichotomy I feel inside me:

1) is it the time to act in a strong way, to be authoritative and take her place in the decision? Do I have to avoid her disillution and frustration by changing the whole situation as Ashteroids says?
When I first read your answer, I said to myself that it was right, that I felt it inside of me that we have to, using your own words about your personal experience, force her to move to a new activity. In Italy we say that , if you have to fall down, it is better if it is not from a high place.
Last night, before I subscribed to this forum, I had asked the I Ching:
what do you think about staying? 62, 2. 6 - 50
What do you think about going away? 3
As a side note, unfortunately, it is not possible to change the coach, nor the team. She plays field hockey (Peter, this is the sport ) and it is not a popular one here (even if the major team is the strongest in Italy and has winned almost anything), the closest team is 1 hour far from here.

2) do we have to continue to support her and help her to pursue her dreams, even if probably there will be some limitations? Is she still a child or is she growing up and has the right to make her own experiences and learn from them?
I use to say that she is a lucky person, because she is dyslexic and she had to learn early that if she wants to achieve her objectives, she has to work hard. Actually her dyslexia is not a deep one, but in the past she had to train hard, she did a lot of extra exercises and extra work. It costed her effort and frustration at times, but now she seems happy and she somethimes she is even proud of being dyslexic. By the way, at school she does from well to very well. One problem connected to her dyslexia is a lack of coordination, not a strong one again, but it doesn't help in sport.
In the past she attende a ballet course for 3 years. She started at least 1 year later than her coetaneous, you could see a big difference, but she worked hard and with passion and at the end she reached the most of them (not the best ones, of course) and surpassed a couple. She would have never be an etoile, a professional dancer, but it helped with coordination and she was quite good.
Since now, I've always supported her (yin approach as you say), always trying not to deceive her : I'm aware that not everybody is born to be a champion or a very good player, but knowing her and her past experiences, I trust her and hope she can grow up and improve herself. But, there is a but: I'm starting to ask myself if it is not an illusion, if in this case it is better to stop her. The coach has really helped and supported her in the past,but now things are changing.
My husband, during our summer holiday trained her a little (he used to play when he was young, yang approach) and I think it helped, but now he has not much time. He started to think she had to stop some times ago.

After reading both posts, I decid to reformulate the questions:

What do you think about going on supporting and helping her to improve her play? 26

What do you think about quitting hockey? 17, 1. 6 - 12

Thanks again for your help

I only read the first couple of paragraphs, and wanted to respond to them.

Competetive team sports reward the star players with play time and praise,
And don't do much for the self esteem of the 'less talented'.
Ever consider other kinds of athletic activities for her?
Dance, Running, Tai Chi?

These non competitive athletic activities have health perks,
without so much of a winner and loser aspect.

Just a thought.

After reading what she has accomplished: good grades, ballet, working hard for success I think she's not a naive child anymore. I would be a very proud parent Maybe you should just have a talk with her - does she really want it? Why? (It can be the case that she does it just to prove to you that she is not a quitter and make you proud).

I wanted to mention Keira Knightley - the film star was diagnosed with dyslexia when she was just six years old. Though some may see dyslexia as being detrimental for an aspiring actress, Knightley used it as a springboard for her career.
She fought dyslexia by attending acting classes, playing in theater and then going to casting sessions for tv and movies. And it really helped her.


Last night, before I subscribed to this forum, I had asked the I Ching:
What do you think about staying? 62.2.6(Small details) → 50(The Cauldron, Transform)
62 is about the inner change because in the outer world there is not much to do without that change.
Richmond, 2:
Line 2 goes yang - intuitive feeling less active.
He passes by a reference to his ancestor and meets a reference to his past mother. He does not reach the prince but meets the minister. No error.

The ancestor and mother are records of past things, old ways of defining and feeling this reality; the prince is a new way of ruling, a new way of experiencing and we cannot reach this without intuitive feeling we can only reach the minister who is the organizer of practical matters. There is no error because the cause of all this is not within our control.
You are missing the flow here, allowing the mind to override your intuition.

Richmond, 6:
He does not meet him but passes him by.
The bird flies from him. Misfortune.
Natural and intended hurt.

What we avoid meeting is the tao, the circum*stances we are in; this splits our reality into outer and inner and the wholeness (the bird, which uses a polarity of wings together) leaves us. Inasmuch as we are aware of this it is an intended hurt, but our awareness is partial.
Warning: don't allow this to go on for too long, you need to - 50 Transform.

Daniels:
2. Sometimes it is necessary to bend the rules.
6. Too great ambitions will lead to disaster.

What do you think about going on supporting and helping her to improve her play? 26 (Great Potential, Taming)
Wilhelm, 26:
The Creative is tamed by Kên, Keeping Still. This produces great restraining power.
...
Heaven within the mountain: the image of the great taming power. Thus the noble learns many words of ancient times and knows actions of the past, thereby strengthening his character.

Looks like you or the environment are blocking the progress, the creative here. But it does make your daughter stronger.

Richmond:
Nourishment by the great is furthered by persistence.
Not eating at home and crossing the great water are favoured.
Comments:
The outer is nourished by the inner, this is the power that the great has. There are barriers of our ignorance, however, which have to be overcome before we can accept what the great offers, so persistence is necessary in whatever contact we have with our inner sources: this involves being aware of how unaware we are, this is both not eating at home and crossing the great water, it is trying nourishment not already in our identity (home) and experiencing in a different manner (across great waters culture is different).

Richmond speaks more of our ignorance of this blockage, that needs to be eliminated in order to experience new things that await just across the river. Wilhelm also writes about not eating at home and crossing the great water. I think Yi is not supporting your idea about staying.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you think about going away? 3(Arduous beginnings)
Richmond:
There is great energy in the emerging life force (Chen) and flowing in the outer world (K'un), but it is stilled by our lack of involvement (Ken); we are at a loss as to how to move (K'an). This situation occurs when we are in unfamiliar circumstances and have to find out how to respond; the common name of the hexagram is "difficulty in beginnings".
Daniels: Expect beginnings to be difficult and arduous.
But if you persevere in going away and finding a new activity there will be success.

What do you think about quitting hockey? 17.1.6(Follow) → 12 (Standstill)

Wilhelm:
1. The standard changes. Perseverance brings good fortune. To go out the door alongside others creates works.
6. He finds firm allegiance and is further bound. The king introduces him to the western mountain.
Legge:
1. Shows us one changing the object of his pursuit; but if he be firm and correct, there will he good fortune. Going beyond (his own) gate to find associates, he will achieve merit.
6. Shows us (that sincerity) firmly held and clung to, yea, and bound fast. (We see) the king with it presenting his offerings on the western mountain.


12 is your situation now and if you follow (17) line 1, change the standard (activity), you will find something else for your daughter, if you let go and sacrifice all these efforts to keep her in field hockey.
17 is about feeling the need to change your views and just going with that feeling, holding to it and riding it like a wild horse. You can't control it(line 6) but you can ride it.

Thanks again Ashteroid and Moss Elk. We'll talk with our daughter and decide what to do.
PS: Yes, I'm a proud parent!

After this long introduction, the question: I asked the I Ching if it was right to spek to the coach about what happened and the answer was 7, 3 - 46

Click to expand...

Look this is a simple answer

'the army carries corpses' generally indicates there are useless people in authority so this answer suggests you cannot rely on speaking to him, you need to have a talk with someone above him, the head.

Oh and the question you asked was quite precise about going to the coach so I think the corpse is him. I do not think this answer is about you at all. The army is the school, the corpses it carries are crap coaches like him who forget they are teachers of children and focus only on winning. Totally dead outdated way of going about things. So he needs to either wake up or get out ! If a grown man gets his ego boosted through the success rates of teams of 12 year olds he needs to move out of teaching .

Thanks for your contribution Trojina. I'll answer you in the other thread :bows:

I'm not sure you can take much notice of what I said there or here as I seemed to lose track of the plot I mean later on you asked about her doing other things that may be better than hockey and I missed all that. I answered too fast too late at night to make sense I think......

.....although I have seen 7.3 time and time again refer to inept people in positions they don't deserve. Dead wood.....so I saw this teacher as inept.