I have to say that almost all of my I Ching throws in the past 8 years have been about how to comprehend what /how /why/who what to comprehend my Teacher. When I met her I had no idea. I was in India on a pilgrimmage, and saw this extraordinarily beautiful woman in a deserted resaurant after visiting the bodhi tree for the first time. I thought she was 35, but in reality she was about 77 at the time. I was not looking for a teacer, I was merely asking the Buddha for my teachING. But with her there is no seperation. I put a fingerhold on something that shot off like a rocket, fueled by my own intense longing to be finished with samsara in this lifetime.

My Teacher is an extraordinary woman. I read about other buddhists, and they never have been taught by an enlightened woman, never experienced enlightenment in a female. It's all I've ever known.

Yesterday my mom came home for the hospital and all my father could think about was eating his food, as my mother struggled merely to walk from one room to another, and needed guarding at every step. I was astounded at the selfishness of human beings. Here was my mother, who gave her whole life to taking care of him, and here he was reverted to the mind of a 5 year old as she struggled from room to room. Sickness and death are overwhelming, even to the aging who are facing it every day, and i know my father is overwhelmed by my mother's fragility, but still. Cant we think about something other than our stomachs here???

Being taught by a woman is an extraordinary thing.s My teacher can teach something in one subtle look or glance that sticks in your brain forever. You cannot understand what that look meant, but you know eons of wisdom is packed behind it, and it means something. Later, when you hear people discusssing this theory or that theory about enlightenment, you just know what chaff to throw out, and you know that you learned it all in that one glance she gave you. That look with the growl in her eye. Or that intense look of "what a shame'.

I have not done well at all with the practice. In fact, I screwed it up from the get go. She's a tough teacher. If you study with her, she will not tolerate you to study with anyone else. It's just her style.
But i screwed up the practice big time, and i mean big time. Yes, you can screw up a practice. Yes, you will still learn, and it doesnt mean you are not devoted, you may be VERY devoted because you stick with it no matter what, but you screw it up and dont have an easy time. The decsion to stay or go becomes a central concern. It has been my central concern for years.

After I met the young lama, 5 years after meeting her, and felt for the first time in my life a center heart drop connection, she whispered, "stay with me while i am here". The young lama does not have her power. She is the one I used to dream of, descending from the sky, with her feet on my head. But i relate to her like oil and water.

But what is here, at this point, is a struggle. And yet I know with her I am learning kernels of truth that will never leave me no matter what. And all these people who never have experienced enlightenment in a woman. I feel so sad for them, not ot know that.sd We all know it from a man, but from a woman, it is so powerful. If I leave my teacher, (if that is even possible) I am in a world of men. Male teachers. Nothing wrong with that, but what a loss, to lose the woman. I know it's duality, male, female, but you know what i mean.

A year before meeting the young lama, I went on a retreat and asked what would happen if i left my teacher. That night I had a dream of a very unfortunate lifetime. This dream was the only thing that kept me from going with him.


But I am tired of fighting. I wish I had a practice that I didnt fight against. What am I fighting against? Myself. Of course. At the base, I both hate and love myself. I want to be free of the delusion of I. It wont make my life any different, but it will. Then i will be able to do what my teacher does. Be free in a female body. Help sentient beings. The female body is loved and hated. What a freedom to be free from the prejudice of the body.

I was struggling with my ignorance using the I Ching. I told the I ching : "I dont understand you. How to work with you. You become me, I become you, yet I dont ever understand what you are saying to me"

The I ching said 15 change 1 to 36.

(guess i dont know how to use the i ching.)

I asked the I Ching "how can i break free from "I me mine????"

the I Ching said 49 to 30. (Just do it.)

I asked the I Ching "Im sorry for bothering you, but this is of the utmost improtance to me. What is the thing to do, to leave my teacher , or to stay, if i wish to realize in this lifetime, this citta" I only know this lifetime. This is the lifetime that matters. After this lifetime, I may as well be dead forever, as far as i am concerned, even though i have had dreams of past lifetimes.

The I Ching says 38 to 54.

I have gotten 54 A LOT with my teaxher. I think I am beginning to understand it. I have been reading the stories of many people who undergo transforming expereince, and it is frighteneing. They have to let go. They are not so much in control. 54 is about that. Many times they do not what has happened to them after they have let go. They are left with having had this astounding experience, and now try and figure it out, for years, for their whole lifetime they try. But 54 is about not having the control. I am starting to understand this is what happens, when one starts to awaken.

Any thougths or comments are appreciated. I have no enemies here on this board, I respect the voices who write here. You have been my community while i live a very isolated life. I take care of my aging parents, and live alone. This is my karma, my family is my karma. I really wish to realize in this lifetime.

be on the lookout for symptoms of Inner Peace

the hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. this could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world

some signs to look for:

a tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences

an unmistakeable ability to enjoy each moment

a loss of interest in judging other people

a loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

a loss of interest in conflict

a loss of the ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom)

frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

frequent attacks of smiling

an increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen

an increased susceptibility to the love offered by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it

be forewarned!!! if you have all or even most of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition may be too far advanced to turn back. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting several of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk. this condition of inner peace is likely well into its infectious stage
<CENTER> </CENTER>

Quote:

But I am tired of fighting. I wish I had a practice that I didnt fight against. What am I fighting against? Myself. Of course. At the base, I both hate and love myself. I want to be free of the delusion of I. It wont make my life any different, but it will.

IMHO, you SHOULD be tired of the fighting. Where there is conflict there can be no growth. The solution, stop fighting and go with the flow. Just having the goal of self-realization within this lifetime sets you up in the expectation mode. Have no 'goal', just serve and be Tash, all the rest will just follow naturally. At least, that has been my experience. Good luck and blessings.

Namaste,
Leonard

Dharma,

Great post! Found it's way into my notebook. Thanks!

Namaste,
Leonard

Tashij,
1. You are very lucky.
2. 38 to 54, according to "my personal experience" is /a clear no to coming together/...
3. I agree with the above that you do not need any more than you already have.
4. Hope you share with us what happens next.

Hi Tashij

I don't have an answer to your question, but let me say that if you fight it with this teacher you will fight it with any teacher. Because, deep down inside there is a part of us that does not want to change. Believe me, I feel it within myself too. We get into a comfort zone and do not want to break out. But that is the "Way of the peaceful warrior." We fight our own conflicts by becoming, as Dharma says, "At peace with them."

Gene

Combine the posts of Dharma and of Lenardthefast.

Huge wisdom.

LiSe

Hi Tash,

You?ve always been a sweet spirit to me, and so even though the prior posts here are a plate of blessings and wisdom, I add a simple thought to express my love to you.

It seems you are torn by what is high above and far below. ?Up there? is your teacher, ?down there? are bombings, hate, conflict and strife, apathy. One is extremely beautiful and the other is extremely ugly. One aspires you to reach high, the other depresses you to sink low.

54 may be showing you that neither extreme is where *you* live. 54 is a displacement of power and authority. Typically, we think of it in terms of being displaced by the lower, but this isn?t always the case. Our ideals can be so high they seem impossible to reach. I?m thinkin? Yi is pointing this out to when you receive 54 frequently concerning your teacher: her power displacing your own. It is your power and your place which is your business in living your life. Empowerment, regardless of where the stimulus comes from, is ultimately only going to come from you. That includes the power to bear with life and all it?s highs and lows.

I feel your heart, and it is very sweet.

C

\(^o^)/


Portakal, thank you for sharing your true experience with 38.6. Someone has to give out the bad news, dont they. lol!!!!

Candid, ('-'*)

49 to 30 is rather wonderful?!! yes???

dharma, ...d'ya think the spirits can do it all in ONE NIGHT??!!!!

lol!.

(=+=)

leonard, thank you sweetie. hope you dont mind if i call you sweetie. (im just pretending to be 80. y'know, it's the company i keep these days!!!)

Gene,

sigh. ive thought about that many many times. i told my friend chonying that. (the young lama) i said, 'what makes you think im not gonna do all this with you????' he just laughed.

someday we will too. right? thank you for sharing gene. always thinking of you and wishing good things for you.

Hi LiSe,

thank you, hey, what do you think of 49 to 30????

lov
tash

Hi Tash,

When you get to be my age, you takes any 'sweeties' you gets, and I luvs 'em. Thank YOU, sweetheart. ...hoping this all resolves into something more wonderful than your wildest Tantric dreams.



Namaste,

Leonard

Candid,

im gonna write to you later. you expressed something very well about 54. I need to think about it.

but candid, have you ever read the experiences of someone who has gone thru a kundalini experience??? many of the people who this happens to really dont know what the heck happened. some of them talk about another energy being in control. i guess i was relating 54 to that kind of experience, although kundalini could also be expressed as 51, or 10, or im sure brad knows some.

i guess by accepting 54 i was trying to go with the flow. i have been trying to go with it, indeed, i mean, here i am in the midst of my unavoidable karma, washed up, no raft.

sorry tired now, not clear, and i am just trying to give back a bit of what i have been given today.

lov
tash.

thank you darling leonard. i guess, judging by your explosive picture, that you have plenty of sweeties in your life!!! oh leonard, i never went looking for the wonderful tantra, it came to me. tantra is wonderful, and someday i hope your wish for me does come true, if i may say so. !!!!!
(*&*) !!!!!

"I have been reading the stories of many people who undergo transforming expereince, and it is frighteneing. They have to let go. They are not so much in control. 54 is about that. Many times they do not what has happened to them after they have let go. They are left with having had this astounding experience, and now try and figure it out, for years, for their whole lifetime they try. But 54 is about not having the control. I am starting to understand this is what happens, when one starts to awaken."

Yeah, 54 is probably a typical hexagram to draw for a relationship to a teacher, because what you have to do with a teacher is *surrender* and *heed*. If you're wondering why it's such a rocky road for you, it just means you're normal LOL. Maybe nirvana isn't right around the next bend in the road either. Maybe you've got things to learn before it gets easier - things to learn about yourself. You obviously know the dhamma really well. So maybe it's time to get to know yourself better? Get more familiar with the parts of you that are holding you back, as well as the parts that are moving you forward?

One of the biggest differences between Buddhism and other approaches is that Buddhism requires a radical letting go of 'self', while other approaches require a learning of 'self' - learning its patterns and style and implications for growth or stagnation - as a necessary step to getting beyond self. For me, the latter approach is appropriate - for one thing, I have a problem with authority and I'd be drawing 54 and 39 every day if I was in your situation LOL; for another thing, I have too many parts of me that are equivalent to the part of you that 'wants to go with the young lama' LOL. You remember that Jesus story about the sower and the seed? The one about how some people receive the message with joy, but distractions and worldly concerns get in the way? Yeah, that's me often. So I'm studying weeds these days.

Tashij, some thoughts...

"I have not done well at all with the practice. In fact, I screwed it up from the get go."

It's very clear that you love and respect both your family and your Teacher, and that you're trying hard to be sure you do what's right by both of them. I think that and sticking with your practice are what really matters.

Mistakes and screw ups are temporary things, they can be fixed. The truth of who you are, shown in how you handle what must be very difficult circumstances means a lot more. There are people in this world who would run away from such difficult circumstances. I think in the end that they are the ones who hurt themselves the most: ultimately they know that they didn't do what needed to be done, and THAT is karma (and an emotional burden) that they can never go back and change. You're clearly wise enough not to fall into that trap.

I do also think, per what Leonard wrote, that maybe some wuwei-style letting go of your goal a bit might be helpful. You're clearly very serious about it, which I'm sure is good, but maybe because of that you feel like you need to make progress every day.

Maybe it's kind of like a gardener with a prize orchid; he comes and checks up on it all the time. And so maybe the gardener measures the leaves and stalks every 3 days - and when there isn't much growth (in such a short time) the gardener frets and thinks "oh what can I do!" And so ends up overwatering the plant or pruning it when it doesn't need it. Of course, none of this really helps the plant, it just needs to grow in its own time. If the gardener just nourishes the plant correctly and leaves it alone for three whole months, he could come back and examine it and see that it has done just fine.

Finally, I think it must have been an amazing experience meeting your Teacher. To adopt a path and then find that fate/karma/the universe/?? has someone waiting there for you like that must have been truly a magical thing. Kind of like seeing the garden you planted in early spring come to full bloom in summer.

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're doing the RIGHT thing for everyone involved under what must be very difficult cirumstances. I don't think *anyone* would have an easy time with it.

- Jeff

Tashij,
Yep, sorry, i am too frank.

Hi Tash,

Yes, I'm somewhat familiar with the kundalini experience. I'm also familiar with being filled with the holy ghost experience. As I am with the channeling experience. And the demon possession experience.

I can't speak for others but I do not seek to be filled or possessed by any entity or spiritual manifestation besides my own spirit. This includes deity manifestations. It is enough to possess myself. I think the deity is fine with that.

To the messenger, its the message that matters. Adoration misses the point: looking upward creates remorse in both the teacher and the student. Do you think your teacher would agree?

C

really astounded by the feedback here.

thank you so much.

Dobro,

you are exactly right. I am no different from any other Westerner in upbringing or social conditioning. Authority is was one of the early hurdles. LOL i just got 39 yesterday.

Before meeting her, I studied the Pali scriptures for 6 years. okok im no scholar, but i struggle the best i could. stark things to take into the system, Pali scriptures, like arsenic.

JTE, yes, it went like this: first, starts to check out the dharma, try to meditate. 2 much expereince with 1st noble truth sat me down in pain full force.

struggle struggle struggle, 4 years try. then, then, WOW, the dharma is real. not just stories, or faith based, something REAL TRUE. not a theory, not a mind game, not just any old experience, but an unshakable experience with truth.

and that one taste is all you get.

noooo!!!! more!!!!! truth!!!!! mUst have!!!!!!!
LITTLE BIT NOT ENOUGH NOT GREED BUT HUMAN CRY. something TRUE even for the millions upon millions of diverse dharmas out there. Baseline Dharma for all sentient beings,- you name it- Aliens, Heavenly creatures, Little Devils, you name it. All impermanent. Famous God, then one day boom, karma gone and youre a bug. Big Fat Devil, you have some compassion, then one day you're a bug.

How to stop the cycle.

Then, try to do it -- but who can control the mind stop smoking or bad talking with all the other savvy actors. Gossip is a way of life in the theatre, a survival mechanism. how to stop the wild tounge.

Try try try another two years ---go to bodh gaya to ask the buddha for help, PLEASE, """"i love the dhaarma but i cannot practice it please give me my teaching,""""" omnipotent buddha who 2500 years ago conciousnees so enlightened still exists to help sentinet beings find their each own truth dharma truth.

make the prayer then POW meet the teacher.

then, yes, so right JTE, so so true, it's like OMG---it's here, WOW i must be special to meet this i can do this in this lifetime I AM THE BEST MOST LOVED CHOSEN PERFECT.

(HAHAHA) a few months of that and then BAM. Face to face with real deal, and you slowly slowly slowly over the years filter to the bottom of the ocean sh_t pool.

Gene is so so right. Fight with self. Comfort zone. Meet the real deal, a teacher 24 7 and find out how really truely lazy you are. angry you are. desirous you are.

dealing with bottom feeder karma. family ignorance, love, no exit, in with the family, no boyfriend, getting older, not even acting anymore dont even want to act even though its the only thing youre good at giving up on your talent the world why not so is everyone else seems we can invade a country and it's ok why make theatre more samsara just realize the dharma and help all sentient beings its an illusion time is precious

wu wei. is the only way to deal with being this close. and even that wont work out.

and dharma is right, inner peace, is only one step away, just a choice with the mind, is right there in the back yard just because we are human, we have this gift. may all sentient beings be happy. may all sentient beings be peaceful. may all sentinet beings, bugs dogs people, ghosts, molecules, be suffused with the joy that never fades.

portakal you are not too frank, the truth feels good. it's the only thing that feels right.

love to all, much appreciation for allowing me the space to communicate this.

JTE my teacher taught me to take care of my parents. i would have done it anyway, but with her behind it, so much more power. my mother should be dead, but as candid knows, will to live can accomplish so much.

thank you so much.

"Pali scriptures, like arsenic"

Wow, really? I studied the Digha Nikaya (Maurice Walsh's excellent translation) and some of the other baskets as well, and they came across as really tasty Indian food to me LOL.

The Samannaphala Sutta's my favorite. But I got into trouble when I started using it intensively on my own for an exploration of the jhanas. (Just cuz you've got the blueprints for a nuclear device doesn't mean it's actually a great big good idea to go ahead and put one together in your basement...) Hence the need for a teacher.

"Big Fat Devil, you have some compassion, then one day you're a bug."

My god, Tash, that's brilliant!

Tash, Im loving your coments and all words that have been shared. Just a quick thought...

You seem to have learned a lot about how to put an effort in your practice. I sugest you now try to learn how to not make an effort

I have gotten 54 a lot, lately, and although I could follow the usual interpretation for this hex, you know, all the young bride and mysoginist crap that we seem to get from this one, the insistance of the Yi in throwing this hex at me, made me realize there was something very different being said.

What if it just means that once the lake is still, the thunder emerges? Power, emerging from peaceful joy, when we want nothing at all, when we feel happy that everything is just the way it is, no effort whatsoever to change ANYTHING...

But if the lake makes a deliberate effort to produce this electricity, then all it can manage is to create more ripples on its surface.
If the lake can give up trying, eliminating all the itsy bitsy little residues of trying, and just concentrate on dropping everything, dont wanting any change, specially not THE change, then its waters still, and THEN the thunder emerges

In our (meditation) practice we cannot want it to come, and that is maybe the most difficult part, because we do what we do because we want it to come. Its like we can have anything provided we dont want to have it. But thats just the way it is, even nirvana can be an object of craving, and unless there is a true acceptance of this moment as it IS, not wanting it to be different, not wanting "enlightenment", not wanting progress, not wanting wisdom, then we are still just dwelling on the lower planes

In the end effort can block one's progress, because if you want to get somewhere, then you are just telling yourself that you are not there yet, and that way the lake's surface never stills

(tashij bug)

well you are all talking such good sense i dont know what all my problem was in the first place.

thank you very much.
im just gonna be a little quiet and reread all this.

thank you.

Candid, that is such a lovely bug. I love fairies. They are so pretty. They are so inspiring. We used to play 'fairies' when we were little. It was better than 'Mother's Stomach'. In "fairies', everyone got to be the baby. LOL.

Arien, what you wrote about it is very beautiful and carefully selected i dont want to disturb it.

I have a question but im gonna pretend i dont just for a minute just for a minutes peace.

Hi Tashij

Just catching up with your thread? I am on holiday (even though I went in the wrong week and am meant to be at work! ? giggles)

I was deeply moved by the beauty of your post at the beginning of this thread? your 15.1 >36 reading is very positive IMHO.

Dharma ? Sadly I think you are right ? and you have obviously suffered from this condition of inner peace too ? your list of the dreadful symptoms seems quite complete. It seems to be spreading?

There was so much wisdom and understanding in this thread which spoke to me?

Tashij ? Arien said ?You seem to have learned a lot about how to put an effort in your practice. I sugest you now try to learn how to not make an effort? (loved the post Arien)

I think that was deeply implicit in your 15.1 >36 reading.

36 is not a grim hexagram - for me ? It is the time when the bright fire of understanding is hidden in the earth? relating it to 15.1 ? ?be small and open ? be quiet and ready > a time when the sun seems to have gone away leading to the issuing of the mandate with a bright new dawn.

I know 54 was your key question? but thee is nothing I can add? or need to.

Wishing you the peace dis?ease

--Kevin

Kevin I am always happy to hear from you.

Members of Clarity have been very generous in giving feedback in this thread.

My gut feeling is that Portakal is right about the 38 to 54.

Dobro is also correct in saying that this is not untypical of how any Westerner would respond to a mighty dharma teacher. But does this make for a successful Dharma practice, is my question. One should be happy with the practice. It seems to me. As Leonard suggests.

Dharma is correct in saying, essentially, "Be Happy". Which is what my teacher would tell me.

When my mother was extremely ill, I spoke to her in India. She said (shouted?), "Your mother is going to die!" (my heart plunged) "Be happy!" They were two seperate thoughts, put right next to each other. You have to love someone who speaks from the hurricane like that.

Arien is right, to see the natural imagery in the hexagrams. This removes one from the discursive process invovled. Places one in the process.

But there is a place where 54 is 54. Subordinate. This is the judgement of the hexagram.

Dobro mentioned the Jhanas. I slipped into the Jhana state before meeting my teacher, which was how i managed to make a little progress in the Dharma. After meeting her, dont think Ive had a minute of Jhana. She does not emphasize Jhana or any meditative concentration. Which is wonderful that she doesnt. Gets rid of so much of the trappings of Buddhist cliches, or Western cliches about Buddhism, I should say. But I miss making progress.

I wish to connect with a sense of my own command, (empowerment) as I surmise Candid alludes to, in his post about 54.

Candid asks "To the messenger it is the message that matters, adoration misses the point. Looking upward creates remorse in both the teacher and the student. Do you think your teacher would agree?"

Several answers to this: Yes, the message is important. No, adoration, in this practice, only helps. Looking upward is the primary direction, as this is a Sky practice. Sem Kye. Sky Mind. (technically, looking upward in sky practices open the chakras above the body) And my teacher invokes her teacher before doing saying anything. As a matter of fact, if anything, my teacher is an ecstatic being suffused with ecstatic love for HER teacher, a being so wonderful i barely know how to describe: a lady lama who resided in Lhasa in the previous century. The entre teaching is based on faith and devotion. When you are on the teacher's wavelength, the wisdom is there.

So to be 38 line 6 really shortchanges the practice. The line says, "face the rain, then all will be well".

Face the seperation, face the rain, the mud, and release.

This is, for me, what I think I am dealing with here. It may not be possible for me to actually do this practice. Which is heartbreaking. This is my karmic lineage. My blood lineage, as my astrologer surmised.

I dont know what to do next, counsel here seems to say "do nothing. just be peaceful" Even writing about it here on Clarity seems a step from that, but I do hunger for an expressive community. Clarity is that.

I asked about taking a course someplace else, got 14 to 55.

Wow one would think, how great. But I wonder , ok, long lived gods, but is it liberation. One can be just as attached to Samsara in heaven as one can be in poverty. The thing is to detach from Samsara. Then one can simply manifest according to natural impulse, dharma.

Those are my thoughts to responces here, again, Thank you, Hilary and all, so very much, for allowing me space to express this. Hope it means something to someone.

Tashij

I have read your posts very carefully? and thought about them for a while.

I was moved.

There were technical things in them which I did not understand too? no matter? no problem.

I thought to reply with insights which I thought I might have? no.

Just to let you know that I have heard you? I have felt your words deeply and I realy do believe you will get through this and go on?

Receptive and Passive

--Kevin