I wrote in an earlier thread about someone I tried very hard to save from their chaos. While this person battled their addiction, they dragged me under with them.

Today this person said to me: "You were right, about everything we fought about. I'm sorry I couldn't see it because of my addiction. I'm working the 12 steps now... and I came to the step about making amends. I'm so sorry for all the chaos I added to your life. What can I do to make it up to you?"

All I said at the time was, "Thank you for saying that to me. I'll need to think about it."

I asked the oracle for advice: "what is morally equitable for me to do to have this person's amends in my life?" and got 38.3,4 (opposition) > 26 (taming power of the great).

Here is the way I interpret the reading. 38.3 warns to endure suffering on behalf of the right person, but not on behalf of the wrong person. 38.4 says that after isolation, one meets a person with a positive, heartfelt connection. 26 describes winning the day because one has strength of character.

I think this means: quit looking to give more to a person who is still struggling to battle their addiction and inner demons. Don't get involved in that fight. Leave it to this person, their program and sponsor. When I withdraw from this person, I make room in my life to meet more constructive people. These new people will be positive influences for me from the start. The new people will have good character, it will be easy to get along well with them, and this will lead to enduring success between me and them.

I think I should tell the 12 stepper, "To make amends, please just don't introduce any more of your chaos into my life. The restoration I need will come when I get to spend me time with people who are already healthy. I wish you success in your recovery, but I shouldn't try to be part of it any more."

I risk that 38.4 says the isolation was because the 12-stepper is really a good person, but their goodness couldn't be reached because of all the problems. When the problems are gone, this very person will be the wonderful inspiring connection worth investing in (38.3) because of how they build me up (26). But I don't think so. I think I'm being told to cut my losses. This is hard for someone who really wants to be loyal.

This whole topic is a major concern for me, so I would welcome further perspectives.

I suppose it means that you have suffered a lot because of him in the past and that has made you feel isolated from him but now is the time to patch up the differences between you and to repair the damage that was done.
hex 26 suggests take a risk and meet this person halfway.

I see this similar to willowfox
line 3 is like this guy was a real burden to you a big one but now he wants to make things right funny how its the next line almost like the next stage to the realtionship as I'm not sure who is isolated possibly him as he is the one with the addiction
26 suggests this could be he is making a real effort to overcome his demons if he is seriously taking up the programme , how serious is he thats what i would watch for?

Thx
Steve

"What is morally equitable for me to do to have this person's amends in my life?"

I'm not sure I understand your question. However, here are some thoughts on the hexagrams....

38.
THE IMAGE
Amid all fellowship
The superior man retains his individuality.

This says to me that the key lesson in all of this for you is learning to maintain your boundaries.

38.3
One sees the wagon dragged back,
The oxen halted,
A man's nose and hair cut off.
Not a good beginning, but a good end.

Is this referring to all the hardships that came into your life before you learned this lesson?

38.4
Isolated through opposition,
One meets a like-minded man
With whom one can associate in good faith.
DESPITE THE DANGER, no blame.

Is this saying that you isolated yourself from him when he was refusing to deal with his issues and how that caused him to straighten up and now become someone you can associate with in good faith? Is the danger the possibility that he may backslide? Does "no blame" mean you are not to be blamed for isolating yourself from him in the past and that you would be right to isolate yourself from him again in the future if he doesn't stay straight?

26.
THE IMAGE
The superior man acquaints himself with many sayings of antiquity and many deeds of the past, in order to strengthen his character thereby.

I think 26 is literally telling you to read up on what others have done in your situation and learn from their experience. How to be with recovering addicts is a riddle we are all of us facing somewhere in our lives nowadays. I bet there is a lot of useful information out there eager to help you! Maybe you should require he take you to one of his 12 step meetings and allow you to meet other recovering addicts. Perhaps that would have a healing effect. 26, "Not eating at home brings good fortune. It furthers one to cross the great water."
--
It occurs to me that 12 Step programs put faith in a Higher Power:

38.3
Misunderstanding, but it can be resolved.

38.4
Stay apart for awhile.
See if you are drawn back together by a higher power.

26.
Record your experience.
Would you recommend "Belief in a Higher Power" as a path to healing misunderstandings to others?--
--
Personally I would aim to disperse any energy that remains between you. Forgive each other. Then leave each other alone completely for at least a month or two. As the end of the Time Out draws near, don't rush to reconnect but wait to see if a legit reason to manifests. Otherwise, just continue to follow your solitary path.
Here's a saying of antiquity that may apply,
"If you fool me once, shame on you.
If you fool me twice, shame on me."

Thanks for the advice.

I think 26 is literally telling you to read up on what others have done in your situation and learn from their experience. I like that.

I believe the other person is sincere in the new spiritual path. I believe the hurt done was because of ignorance about good choices, not out of malice. Forgiveness first, then wait and see what's next - sounds good to me.

I'll update on the forum as the situation develops.

friend making amends I Ching reading

Ben, I know the 12 steps well myself so I was interested to see your answers.
My very first feeling though was--what exactly do *you* want and feel?--not what do you think is right.
I don't mean you *shouldn't* have counsulted the Yi.
But why exactly did you?I don't know how long your friend/acquaintance is in recovery now, but an amends comes after at least osme time and working the 8 steps before.Truthfully, though, that's not my business and not really even yours.
But most importantly--it is an amends *he* makes to you for what he has done.
He can just tell you the amneds, he might pay back what he owes if that's pertinent, or some other expression or statement of amends.
The fact of the matter is--it is for him to be responsible, and face up to you, and for *you* to decide whatever it is you feel you want right now.
If its too soon for you to forgive, for instance, then it is.
This is not a step that *you* are working with him however.Accpeting the amends doesn't mean you forigve him, unless you do.It doesn't mean you accept him back as a freind--unless you're sure.
You may choose to listen to his amends, or read his letter.
But it doesn't matter in his recovery whether you accept the amends or not.He is to make it, and move on.
The only thing you might do is, now is the time to ask him anyhting, or get off your chest anything that is still bothering you.
But--again--if this is too soon, or you have no questions then so be it.
Hearing and accepting his amneds doesn't mean he and you are best friends again.You are simply accepting his aknowlegment and apology for what he'd done.
To me--#9 would symbolize that it's not quite time for anything major yet.
I's a sign of "something but not everything".
If you we're focusing on him, or you, for that one I don't know.
Becuase ,it could mean his recovery, awareness and regret, and enlightenment is still coming along, or, that you're (as you said,and like you sound to me) not certain what you want to do, if anything, so should do nothing.
#38 with line 3, simply sounds like he was wrong, and knows it,knows he has to "pay" in that sense.
Line 4, -- may either be that he reached out to you when no one else was there, or, that right now there's not a lot between you, but there is some understanding on one or two important levels only.The amneds would further heal the oppostion or misunderstanding, perhaps.
To me, anyway, Hex 26, is always a sign that there is energy and creative forces still held in check, and will be used or developed in due time.
I'm not sure where you are at emotionally, and where he is at, but to me, all this means not to look far ahead and just live in today just like he is supposed to be doing.
I would not concern myself with what is next.
If you are feeling guilty about his feelings or just concerned for him--instead of saying what you think he should do next- allow him to continue getting well as he is doing.
Ask him to check with his sponsor(not you) about any major decisions, and assume that he will.
His changes and recovery are not about you.
All you have to do is decide if you're ready hear this apology yet.
If not, say not yet.If you're still angry, but are interested to at least receive the amends do that.
If you are OK wiht the amends for now, but don't know about anything else like renewing the friendship-- respectfully say that.
Good luck to you!

Rosada's post about Ben's questions, and #26

Rosada I was thinking the same thing--that this where Ben is concerned is about maaintianining his boundaries.
Come to think of it, YES, exactly--26 discusses words and deeds of others in the past--you are right on there! --Ben--look into the program he's in, if it's AA read their "BigBook" and if NA same thing.
But even more, you yourself can avail yourself of Al-Anon which is for the friends and families of the alcoholic--there's a lot of information and books you can recive through them, that willh help*you* whether you renew your friendship with this fellow or not.

Prosperpone, thank you for your brilliant explanation of what is in my control and what is not my responsibility. In the next week or two I do hope to check out an al-anon meeting. Meanwhile you gave EXCELLENT food for thought. Thanks again, your comments are so helpful and I really appreciate them.