Hello,

I am currently spending a lot of time with a group of people, who I like, but don't trust. Can't. I wish I could adjust my thinking, and I know this is an instance where my fragile ego is sabotaging again but I can't shake the dread.
So far ok, but I feel signs of third time unlucky - I really don't want to go through feeling alienated in a group again.... failing to make connections.

1. How do I stop the worst happening here?
22.2 > 26
I've no idea what this could be saying - don't pay attention to appearances? Is it about maturity? They are all younger than me which is not something I've experienced much before.... maybe this is my persistent immaturity re. getting along...

2. I feel myself hated by the group today, is it actually hatred for myself I'm feeling?
It could be that I'm extra paranoid because of the time of the month. Plus we've just got back from a weekend in Beijing which was actually really good!. So yeah up and down - but I've been here before so I'm scared. I can't shake this dependence on others I suppose!But we all need friends... Or there's something about me that annoys the masses? I guess I can be a little weird....
54.5 > 58
This line seems to echo the first reading as it seems about not being deceived by appearances... How would you relate this to my issue?

I can't think too sensibly because as I've said I've been here before and do not want to become a pro at history repeated... Maybe I should try meditating seriously!! And spending more time alone... so that I'm more detached?

3. There is a guy here - someone I discovered I have more in common with than I thought and we got on really well the other day and I'm attracted to him. As a result, my fickle, ridiculous, hungry heart slightly gave itself to him. Today though I've felt that spark die... or at least I've said hi to reality after a 48 or so hour crush lol... maybe because I'm on a downer I don't know. I know I need to address this bad habit of mine (when asking about this guy I received hex 27! Also received about a week ago when I 'fell in love' with someone else who I think is off the radar now - I know this is about my inner emptiness... But I don't seem able to feed myself...

I asked - I feel contempt from him now - is this true or my muddied mind?
59.5 > 4
Maybe we're feeling estranged now - after getting on well the other day - but something else will reunite us. Probs just as friends though! Perhaps he could sense I'd developed a crush... could sense that I read more into it... or that I'm needy. I don't know...

For goodness sake... I need help!!!
:bows:

Lise says 22.2 is about waiting which I don't quite get in this context... that there's potential for something (bad maybe) building but I need to restrain my emotions over it?

Her take on 54.5 is amazing though:

Don't demand the best place, recognition, perfection - bot from others or yourself. Just show your value, and you will earn your rightful place. If your value is part of you no one can take it away.
:bows:

But how do I show my value? I guess I must feel it or I wouldn't get upset... but I definitely don't show it... enough.
13.1,5 > 56
Can't make head nor tails of this at first glance. Could anyone help?
Maybe it's relfecting the fact that I tend to latch on to people I feel a close connection to? And de-value the others? Eek. Impossible not to though sometimes... How does it answer my question? Really feel this one to be a riddle... Is it saying I should make no assumptions about people but stick to those I do feel close with who are not at hand as I am currently a wanderer in a temporary place with temporary friends so I should not depend too much on getting along perfectly with them?
But how does this answer a general Q about self-worth which is my major achilles heel - especially where love and friendship is concerned...

(Of 59.5 She says it's about giving in to dissolution, in the hope of an eventual reconnection... Why does this always seem to happen? Great and then to nothing? Maybe it's my expectations...)

Just a thought, but maybe ask the IChing something like, "How can I fill this inner void?" I'm not expert, but you sound really down on yourself and maybe projecting that onto other people. I'm sure you are a very wonderful person with a lot to offer and for some reason you're experiencing the downside of things.

I'm an amateur myself, but 22.2 says to me that you are trying to find value in life and 26 that what you work toward is what you eventually accumulate? So maybe don't just wait for something to hit you from nowhere, but make an active decision what you're working toward and find value in yourself and your goals so that what accumulates is what you want, of real power, not just something random.

Maybe get your self esteem [true goals] righted first, and then others will respond in ways you can feel good about because you feel good about you -- first and foremost.

I can't...
Thanks for your response though! I do see what you're saying... maybe too much of what comes out of my mouth sounds negative so they follow suit... seems to be a part of my nature though!... maybe even I have a negative tone of voice?
I really want to conquer this!!

Hello Em,

22.2 'Adorning one's hair-growing' suggests the necessity to wait, slow down. So just take it easy,
be cool as a cucumber and relax. Perhaps be more conscious of your words/conversations to gain greater control and be more constructive as opposed to negative - if that's the case. Thereby you'll avoid being effusive. You could be more of a listener.

Better to engross yourself in a thought-provoking book/novel than worry ... or whatever takes your fancy, art etc.

You've been able to rise to the occasion, it's remarkable. "I can't" - try and you'll rise to the occasion yet again.

T

Thanks.
But being a listener also gets you disliked...
Yes I guess censoring what I say if it's negative I could work harder on...
And I wish I could be cool about this!

I'm just losing hope today. Not that anything that bad has happened, I've just been here before. My emotions and insecurites are ruining my life. This evening I have tried to read and only managed one short chapter. I can't concentrate on anything else but feeling despairing. When I'm depressed I find it so hard to concentrate on anything else.

Why would being a listener not go down well ? It's a very positive attribute, so never mind those
who'd dislike you for that.

I can understand your not being able to concentrate when feeling low ... tomorrow is another day !
You'll feel better but do adjust your mindset before falling off to sleep ... think of all that brings a
smile to your face and how you've managed to come this far ! Be good to yourself at least once a day. Don't judge yourself so ...

Just bear in mind all the sound advice you've been given so far. And ... with the guys be cool as a
cucumber. You'll have another opportunity to feel the thrill of attraction so stay cool and look forward to the pleasure of noticing it's reciprocal and lasting. Cool, calm and collected ... sweet dreams to you.

em ching said:

Thanks.
But being a listener also gets you disliked...
Yes I guess censoring what I say if it's negative I could work harder on...
And I wish I could be cool about this!

I'm just losing hope today. Not that anything that bad has happened, I've just been here before. My emotions and insecurites are ruining my life. This evening I have tried to read and only managed one short chapter. I can't concentrate on anything else but feeling despairing. When I'm depressed I find it so hard to concentrate on anything else.

Click to expand...

Just wanted to say to you remember, how often, before going to China you got 18 as the relating hexagram ? For me I'd wondered if it was referring to the old depression symptoms reoccuring..i think i said that to you in PM.

I think not getting on with people, feeling disliked and so on may well be just a symptom of depression again. At the risk of sounding bossy (well I know you'll forgive me ) don't you need to start taking this as seriously as you would any other illness that affects your life ? I'm not suggesting you don't already...but you need to do more than take the pills don't you...the 18 suggested you have to work on it and IMO the focus is misdirected if to you its all about getting along with others..its you yourself who needs the help in some form or another.

Some time back...months ago, you were struggling with a rather nasty depressive episode...you took medication, things improved, you got yourself to China....which was great..but these 18s coming up in many of your readings and what you had said of your situation always made me concerned about this depression reoccuring...which is actually why I'd always said if you really didn't like it there was no shame to go home...because to me your health is paramount here..

Not sure where I'm going with this except it might help to tell yourself all these impressions you get others don't like you...well perhaps often its the depression talking ?
Not saying its all in your mind but i think with depression one puts a negative spin on everything.,,, turns everything against the self....

if you beat yourself up over putting a negative spin on everything people say etc...then thats just more self beating up...which you do not need

Please try to treat yourself kindly accept you are finding things hard and that doesn't make you a bad person in anyway at all because you are doing the best you can...maybe give yourself a bit more liking...but if you can't don't beat yourself up lol

In short i think how to 'avoid it happening again' is to deal with the root cause (depression) not the symptoms (feeling hated).

Having read what Trojan has written, someone who apparently knows your situation over a long period of time, only inspires me to emphasize what we all are saying in concert here: address yourself at a basic level and other matters will fall into place. Some years ago I faced down issues of depression that emerged from an unexpected set of circumstances. I had had a life threatening illness and beat it, only to find that I fell into deep depression just as I knew for certain I would live. It made no sense at all to me. The doctor of internal medicine who coached me through this weird event told me at the time that analysis, thinking my way through it, was a losing game. If you are worried and stressed out long enough, your brain literally forgets how to make endorphins and "happy" chemicals. You have to take medicine to revive your chemical balance. Thank God for him, six months later I was a different person. Once dealt with completely, it was over. Life was back to normal. Don't do this to yourself dear friend. Get help right away and keep going until you are well. You can have your whole life back. Forget what other people are saying or doing. When you are well, it's going to look entirely different. Much love to you!

Waiting with Food, Drink and Music

em ching said:

Hello,

I am currently spending a lot of time with a group of people, who I like, but don't trust. Can't. I wish I could adjust my thinking, and I know this is an instance where my fragile ego is sabotaging again but I can't shake the dread.
So far ok, but I feel signs of third time unlucky - I really don't want to go through feeling alienated in a group again.... failing to make connections.

1. How do I stop the worst happening here?
22.2 > 26

Click to expand...

This is a "how" question, so how about "by great accumulation of beauty and grace" for an answer.

The hair in Line 2 remind you that you need to grow and have experiences, and that this must take place organically. You can adorn your hair and it can be encouraged to grow, but it takes time. Like growing crops, the farmer must do what Hexagram 26 says:

"Combined meanings of nurturing/accumulating and restraining/containing – what the farmer does."

You must somehow cultivate yourself out of these negative states: contain them and restrain them, and nurture and accumulate other things to feed you. (Some of the questions had negative assumptions built in? I have a sneaking suspicion you have stopped taking those magic anti-depressants...)

I asked Yi "What would be useful to tell em ching today?"
Yi responded H5.2 > H63

This is more about waiting for organic processes, and enjoying yourself meantime:

In Hilary's words:

‘Waiting, with truth and confidence.
Shining out, creating success: constancy brings good fortune.
Fruitful to cross the great river.’

You wait for what you need, like a farmer waiting for the weather to change. This is not a passive state; you can dance for rain, influence events by bringing yourself into harmony with the outcome you need. But you cannot force this, you can only attend to it. You will need patience: it may all take much longer than you had imagined. When you are fully present in waiting, your intense attention shines out like a beacon, beginning a creative engagement with the world – not by working on anything, but by waiting on it and holding your faith.

And in crossing the river, committing yourself to go as far as you can towards what you’re waiting for, you begin the transition into the world where it is real.

Image

‘The clouds are above heaven: Waiting.
A noble one eats, drinks and relaxes with music.’"

Sounds like a good prescription to me!

Tiger

Hello,

Thank you all very much. Everything you said is helpful and true and thank you Trojan for following me through this (again and again). I can't believe I'm having these ugly issues again here - well actually I can. I'm in a group after all. My bad luck it isn't one I'm in sync with. I know I'm not a group person but still... why!? I lack a genetic component to get on? To be able to relax and be myself and not a victim?? I should be too old for this.

Even though things aren't outwardly bad I feel dread, as I said. Something happened this evening too to make me feel bad about myself. Not initiated by others, but my sense of their sense of me has gone down again. I really just think, I can't be with people with my head space like this. But when will it ever change?

I asked What do I do? I'm doomed - here, there and everywhere.
2.1 > 24
'Read the signs for what is now beginning to become apparent will become abundantly so'.
Oh dear. This is going to get worse huh...

How do I escape this?
Hex 36
Just stay alive during a battering... sounds fun.

I also feel some sort of breakdown with someone I did feel confident in.
I asked is this true?
43.2 > 49
I think this is saying I'm worrying over nothing he doesn't think about me that much - nothing to fear - but be prepared for the possibility of attack.

I then asked, do positive feelings for me override negative?
29.1,2,3,5 > 36
Oh dear. All a negative swirling of dark water and no light... Darkness. He feels darkness and negativity?

Should I leave this placement?
I don't mean give up entirely - just see if I can go somewhere where I'm on my own.
I know I'll be depressed by that too. Company is good. But my depression won't allow it to remain good. It's always destroyed.
33.6 > 31
Pretty clear sign eh? Would you say that it's saying Yes retreat would be a good influence? Or retreat from the idea on concentrate on trying to make good here? Can't help but think this is History repeating - when I look back on similar scenarios where I should have walked.

Finally, is the guy hiding positive feelings from me? (looking at 29-36 - it's a pretty negative reading but could it just mean hidden feelings as opposed to having negative thoughts about me?)
Hex 25
He's innocent of positive thoughts about me. Nothing hidden - we're probably just not going to see eye to eye...?

Oh dear. I know this is really bad and some of what I've written here must sound like my attitude is rotten but as I said, I've been here before... And yes tiger in the boat I am still on the pills and they do still help - I still need them - but it's obviously not enough. Not until I don't care what people think!? But then I feel I risk loneliness... I like also what you said about 22.2 being about growing - I know I'm still far from my goal of being socially successful - or at least knowing myself and thus my place... And I know I need to restrain my negative impulses - but I feel bombarded, by things that happen, things I do, things that others do. Thank you themis and arabella too. I like what you say. But I think, while I'm here surrounded by the very issue I'm trying to leave in the past, I can't heal but could get worse?

:bows:

Hello again EmChing. I believe the battering the IChing is referring to, the darkness and hopelessness, the possibilities of failure is that ancient wisdom reflecting back to you how you are treating yourself. And this is casting you in shadow. This is the scenario from which you must retreat and regain your sense of security. Rule number one, unless somebody criticises you to your face you have absolutely NO reponsibility to respond or worry what they think.

Meanwhile, if you are in a placement where you are staying -- if I understand you correctly -- are you telling supportive people there, those responsible for your health and well being that you are so worried and unhappy? If not, let them know, let everybody who can see you face to face and help you know, that you are uncertain, unhappy, and looking for answers. They know your circumstances and they see you interact. If something is wrong, they can help you understand what has gone wrong. If you are overreacting, then they can put your mind at ease. Then you will be able to grow in the ways that the IChing predicts for you.

More Than Staying Alive

em ching said:

How do I escape this?
Hex 36
Just stay alive during a battering... sounds fun.

Click to expand...

Em, H36 is more than just staying alive; it is actively hiding the light and presenting a different outward face. This means that despite your internal emotions, you present whatever face to the world is necessary for self-preservation.

So, remember the Prince Ji story; he feigned madness. You need to feign happiness and sanity and a feeling of acceptance by the group, as an exercise in survival. You pretend to be someone or something you think you are not, in order to survive.

I have done this, and others have as well. (This must be done consciously; it is not the same as pretending to yourself and trying to fool yourself).

As an example, I own a business that has been particularly successful for the last 10 years or so. But now we are at a difficult juncture, and I am wracked with doubts about how to go forward, and whether I have the energy to continue (I am near conventional retirement age). If I go in every day and project these doubts and uncertainties and fears, I will affect/infect the staff and make everything much worse. So I deliberately "role play" my confidence in our situation. Again, remember, you are not fooling yourself, but projecting something to the world.

I am also not a very social person and once had to spent large amounts of time in a particular difficult social situation. I either had nothing to say to the people or disliked many of them actively. One of my tricks was to pretend that I was at an institution for the insane, and that everyone around me was mentally unbalanced. To be sure of survival in that imaginary dangerous environment, I needed to act in such a way as to be polite and positive to the them, and not set them off or give them any hint of my actual feelings.

Hope this helps. I know the last example sounds "crazy" but try almost any projection of false (positive) feeling to the outer world. It may help you survive and it will also feed back on your inner world. People who pretend to be brave and act the role of the brave person will eventually become truly brave.

Best Wishes,

Tiger

Hello Em,

Hope you'll feel better by the day. Tips on self-preservation as mentioned above by Tiger in the Boat are indeed effective. For many its innate, instinctive ... others learn to acquire it ... like an actor you put on a show, 'cos you're on show. It's a typical survival tool in our office environment. Survival of the fittest ...

Do hold yourself together. 'Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.'

T

em ching said:

Hello,



I asked What do I do? I'm doomed - here, there and everywhere.
2.1 > 24
'Read the signs for what is now beginning to become apparent will become abundantly so'.
Oh dear. This is going to get worse huh...

Click to expand...

I've come to understand 2.1 as actaully a very simple and immediate message which is 'as it is now so will it continue' I personally have not known it to mean things getting worse..its just what it is now remains as it is...set to continue. not that you are doomed..but this current situation looks like it set to remain..if you stay in it.

How do I escape this?
Hex 36
Just stay alive during a battering... sounds fun.

Click to expand...

I think Tiger nailed that one. As theres no moving lines I would see it more as actually an unpleasant situation...sort of objectively speaking its not good for you so it may be a good option to move on if you can

I also feel some sort of breakdown with someone I did feel confident in.
I asked is this true?
43.2 > 49
I think this is saying I'm worrying over nothing he doesn't think about me that much - nothing to fear - but be prepared for the possibility of attack.

Click to expand...

i agree with your interpretation...nothing to worry about

I then asked, do positive feelings for me override negative?
29.1,2,3,5 > 36
Oh dear. All a negative swirling of dark water and no light... Darkness. He feels darkness and negativity?

Click to expand...

Yes you are in a dark and difficult place right now...and its one you've been in before..but you will come through..just as things seem at their worse the trouble should flow away (29.5)

Should I leave this placement?
I don't mean give up entirely - just see if I can go somewhere where I'm on my own.
I know I'll be depressed by that too. Company is good. But my depression won't allow it to remain good. It's always destroyed.
33.6 > 31
Pretty clear sign eh? Would you say that it's saying Yes retreat would be a good influence? Or retreat from the idea on concentrate on trying to make good here? Can't help but think this is History repeating - when I look back on similar scenarios where I should have walked.

Click to expand...

I thought you were due to move to a placement in the countryside..and you had quite good readings for that...but then did you decide to stay in the city placement ? If so i think yes moving away elsewhere, another placement seems a good option

Finally, is the guy hiding positive feelings from me? (looking at 29-36 - it's a pretty negative reading but could it just mean hidden feelings as opposed to having negative thoughts about me?)
Hex 25
He's innocent of positive thoughts about me. Nothing hidden - we're probably just not going to see eye to eye...?

Click to expand...

er thats the same answer as 'do my negative feelings over ride my positive ones' so these two questions interconnect...you need to think about that




In short yes i think your instinct is right, move on, 33.6 very clear answer. One can be far lonlier in a group than alone anyway. The 36 unchanging confirms to me this isn't a great place for you to be and you should feel relief (33.6) at moving on

I guess my interpretations seem a little directive but to me the answers seem really clear..this isn't somewhere with these readings I would want to hang around

EM - there seems to be some incongruency between your consciousness and unconscious - your feelings are telling you 'something' that your consciousness may be covering up so I suggest an alternative using the EIC method (at the bottom of the page (scroll down) at http://www.emotionaliching.com )

Note that 'situation' can refer the some event OR person etc.

Hi all,

Yes it makes perfect sense what you say about it being a survival technique - acting as if you're fine and confident in a group - and then they will assume you are! But I'm not great at acting... and I think I have decided to nip this one in the bud. I don't fit in, and I don't want to put myself through this again, for the sake of less hassle.

I like the school and am getting on ok teaching wise, and I like them as people. I just can't hack a group - not in this head space. And being in such close quarters - work and play - I just can't help but think, as 2.1 suggests, that this is how it is - I am outcast in - and that is set to consolidate... I swear they're joking behind my back and even if it is in jest, it does belittle. I know I'm not being paranoid this time too, or even if I am, I want to be free of it and as you say you can be more lonely in a group...

Yes I was supposed to be moving countryside but it fell through because the girl no longer wanted to swap. I also thought I'd be better of sticking at that time, but the signs say try again... I will contact the organisers to see if I can start to make arrangements. Thing is we've got time off so we're going on a week's holiday to Shanghai next week which is amazing to be getting it in so quickly (23 hours on a train!) but slightly dreading how the group dynamics will go... I don't feel that I'm valued as part of the group as everyone else is. I guess I'll know for sure after the holiday...

Hi Chris, yeah I did that and received hex 61.

'How does this hex seed?' - 56 - travelling. Moving on.
'How does this hex celebrate its faith' - 38 - I need to go my own way. Accept myself as a loner lol...

Well, we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted, and try to keep a cool head.
I asked the I ching
Should I leave?
27.1,2 > 4

Lise line 2: 'Give the excessive enough room to exist' - I guess it would be excessive to leave.
It also says 'Changing your tao causes accidents'...

So I'm going to ask if leaving or staying is my tao!? If I'm even thinking about it does that mean it is? Or is my tao not changing wherever I'm at and bearing it? You wouldn't say that in a war zone though....

line 1is about a 'new start' and searching for food alone...

Hex 4 - The unknown. I don't know yet the right tao - I guess I will after our week away...

What would you make of 27-4?

:bows: Thanks all.

Acting

em ching said:

Yes it makes perfect sense what you say about it being a survival technique - acting as if you're fine and confident in a group - and then they will assume you are! But I'm not great at acting... and I think I have decided to nip this one in the bud. I don't fit in, and I don't want to put myself through this again, for the sake of less hassle.

Click to expand...

Of course if you don't want to be in a situation and you can change the situation, then change it.

But the need to act in a group won't go away...As far as your acting skills, of course you are not a great actor! If you were, you wouldn't need the advice.

Start with something very small, almost tiny, one small thing were you can project something different from what you feel...

(For me, putting in an element of humor or absurdity helps)

Tiger

em ching said:

Hi all,



Well, we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted, and try to keep a cool head.
I asked the I ching
Should I leave?
27.1,2 > 4

Lise line 2: 'Give the excessive enough room to exist' - I guess it would be excessive to leave.
It also says 'Changing your tao causes accidents'...

So I'm going to ask if leaving or staying is my tao!? If I'm even thinking about it does that mean it is? Or is my tao not changing wherever I'm at and bearing it? You wouldn't say that in a war zone though....

line 1is about a 'new start' and searching for food alone...

Hex 4 - The unknown. I don't know yet the right tao - I guess I will after our week away...

What would you make of 27-4?

:bows: Thanks all.

Click to expand...

This is exactly the same process you went through when you were sharing a house with a group of people some time back. You went over and over the same question 'should i stay or should i go'. If you look back, in hindsight what can you see now was the best thing you could have done in that situation ? That could be your guide because it seems to me exactly the same situation in a different setting...so you aren't reinventing the wheel here..you have previous experience of what works and doesn't work for you in these situations.

Loads of questions, past a certain point didn't help back then and I don't think it will help now, you will just be going round in circles IMO. 27.1 is an indication that you already know what to do..you don't need to be gazing at the oracle , you just need to go for what you want ... Overall 27 is about how you feed yourself what you need..I see this answer as saying theres no ought or should...go to what nourishes you, what you need...in some ways like a little kid (hex 4)..you won't always know what the 'right thing' to do is, you have to play it by ear. And a good guide is how you feel about your needs being met.

27.2 advises not playing by the rules, doing your own thing..what you need to eat isn't the same as what everyone else needs...each person has their own needs...you have to take your own individuality into account and honour it rather than try to quash it for the sake of fitting in to some group

You have to allow for your own nature cos if you don't how can others

Also don't forget old readings. I think you had 29 turn up a few times in 'an oh dear from China'...and 29 is about repeating troubles so its not suprising to me at all that you reencounter here the same problems you have elsewhere. But I recall you getting 29.4.5..theres trouble but you flow on through it eventually.

One could say the 29 indicated this was your tao right now..and those readings still apply now i think..i think you can still 'draw' on those readings...looking back they seem amazingly apt

Em, with all due respect, you've got to give yourself a chance. You'll need to find it within you to learn this tactic ... muster the strength, steely determination needed, and get through this challenging period. Once the exterior projects a different image, you'll have time to nurture and strengthen yourself within. Obviously you can't be thick-skinned overnight.

So ... chin up and forge ahead.
Have fun !

T

em ching said:

Hi all,
Lise line 2: 'Give the excessive enough room to exist' - I guess it would be excessive to leave.
It also says 'Changing your tao causes accidents'...

Click to expand...

Just to clarify: giving the excessive enough room to exist means, to give room to what is not "normal" in your eyes. Maybe you should have the guts to be different, not to think you have to fit in, to be liked. In a group you don't just need the ones who fit in so nicely, you just as well need the weird ones, the obstinate ones, the loners and the individuals. They make life interesting, and a group without them gets boring after a while.

And it does not say changing "your" tao causes acidents, but changing "a" tao. Never try to change someone else's tao. Guide or lead so he/she can change it herself, but never use any force.
Maybe you let your low feelings be master over your tao, instead of your own deepest heart and needs? These feelings don't have the right to - but it is very difficult to regain your power over yourself.

I agree with Tiger-in-the-boat: fake it until you make it. Play the role until you know how it works. That way you can slowly build up some selfconfidence. That stuff has a way to multiply itself once you find the first small amount.

Wish you lots of strength.

LiSe

tigerintheboat said:

Of course if you don't want to be in a situation and you can change the situation, then change it.

But the need to act in a group won't go away...As far as your acting skills, of course you are not a great actor! If you were, you wouldn't need the advice.

Start with something very small, almost tiny, one small thing were you can project something different from what you feel...

(For me, putting in an element of humor or absurdity helps)

Tiger

Click to expand...

Hi,

Feeling a lot better again in the group but also fully aware I could feel **** again - but because of that I just have to accept that groups are my weak point so I need to limit how important success in this area is. I need to reduce the effect others have on me and even if I do sense bitching etc, as arabella said, as long as it's not to my face why should I care? Their empty lives compel them to do it
And also as Lise says, sometimes you need an oddball in the group - and when I think about it in this one there's someone else who I think is also considered that way but because of his humour and confidence he's less bothered. And why should I mind being that oddball? At least I can retain my individuality in a group.. and at least that way they'll feel they've gotten to know me (rather than my defenses being up).

Since having this low point/despairing few days thinking the worst, I feel better able to take it on the chin if it does go wrong... because I like it here - the teaching etc - and I like them. So I'll just keep my head up and keep acting! I have switched that on - maybe teaching has helped my performance skills too actually! It's also not possible for me to move now anyway. So Trojan, even though I'm on dangerous ground (for me - as far as my self-esteem is concerned) I'm going to stay. Maybe if I left now I'd sort of always be running from group scenarios and as Tiger said, they're impossible to escape from, from work to family.... I will just try and be stronger this time, and take things less seriously.

Thanks so much all of you. You really keep me afloat every time and give me a different perspective and widen my view point from the clutches of my often immediate sense of dread if that makes sense....

:bows:

heylise said:

Just to clarify: giving the excessive enough room to exist means, to give room to what is not "normal" in your eyes. Maybe you should have the guts to be different, not to think you have to fit in, to be liked. In a group you don't just need the ones who fit in so nicely, you just as well need the weird ones, the obstinate ones, the loners and the individuals. They make life interesting, and a group without them gets boring after a while.

This made me laugh.

And it does not say changing "your" tao causes acidents, but changing "a" tao. Never try to change someone else's tao. Guide or lead so he/she can change it herself, but never use any force.
Maybe you let your low feelings be master over your tao, instead of your own deepest heart and needs? These feelings don't have the right to - but it is very difficult to regain your power over yourself.

I agree with Tiger-in-the-boat: fake it until you make it. Play the role until you know how it works. That way you can slowly build up some selfconfidence. That stuff has a way to multiply itself once you find the first small amount.

Wish you lots of strength.

LiSe

Click to expand...

So I suppose what you're saying about changing tao - is, in this instance, I'd be acting from fear and negativity if I changed my tao which could result in accidents.
You should only change your tao when you feel balanced? When you feel sure of your decision I guess and when it happens naturally? Would you though, class enthusiasm as being out of balance so best not to act on it?

That makes sense too because even if enthusiasm is positive, it is also a state where you're expectant of more. I have acted from this too many times especially in relationships which has been a mistake. There was a guy I mentioned - we're still in contact sort of but I've been more Yang than him which is unnatural and not conducive to wooing it seems and he has cooled off. Not to sound patriarchal here though - I think it works both ways. It's attractive when you play it cool because it puts less pressure on you. I've certainly been put off my men who are over-interested... Maybe I've finally learnt my lesson with this one! Another could-have-been had I not been so impulsive and forgotten my emotional sense... that's what bites the most. I seem to be too stubborn to accept this one even though it means I have to make less of an effort! And even though I've vowed to myself in the past - 'next time'....

Tao buzzword - cool
Reign in the impulses I guess... to a degree... lol balance is so tricky!

:bows: