18 1.3.5.6 -> 60 How to fix this relationship and get closer again?

[musidora]

Dear IC lovers, I NEED HELP

I've been on this long distance relationship for one year - we have seen each other 4 times since then and lived something beautiful and intense. But for him it was too difficult to be so far away and after I came back home he was quite depressive, telling me it was too hard to him, too sad and told me was not able to give me the stability I wanted from him with an ocean between us, so a distance came. I felt rejected and stoped talking to him for a while, what made me so sad. After a while we started to talk again and I always declared my love to him, even I I don t feel he believed in his heart.

Recently I told him about my plans to move to his town (something he always encouraged me but it seems he did not believed I would be possible) and he seemed quite happy about it. We saw each other and being face to face I could see he cares about me but still choses to be distant (he always told me about feeling too much fear in this relationship). I'll be there in 6-8 months and don't want loose our connection meanwhile... I try to be optimistic but it s being so hard...

I asked: How to fix this relationship and get closer again? 18, 1.3.5.6 ->60 - I'm confused because 18 tells me to hurry and tell him all the truth about my feelings and 60 tells me not to act and stop for a while...

I also asked about his feeling towards me and had: 35, 1.2.3 -> 14

Anyone could help me with this situation?

Thanks so much and lots of love,

Musidora.

 

[Trojina]

Erm it doesn't sound a great idea to go ahead with this does it ?

First, from the situation, he's choosing to keep distance and being evasive and I'm not sure it's something to be fixed because he doesn't appear, from what you have said, to be very much invested in the relationship at all.

I asked: How to fix this relationship and get closer again? 18, 1.3.5.6 ->60 - I'm confused because 18 tells me to hurry and tell him all the truth about my feelings and 60 tells me not to act and stop for a while...

You asked how to fix it and got 18, Corruption and of course the attempts to fix that corruption. I think there's very much a limit as to what you can do about this (60) and I think it's a limited relationship, long distance, seeing each other 4 times in one year ? Do you really know each other ? I could be wrong but as I see this cast as showing pretty limited scope for getting closer. Maybe he actually wants distance in which case he's probably not a very good prospect ?

These are like warning flags

I could see he cares about me but still choses to be distant (he always told me about feeling too much fear in this relationship).

after I came back home he was quite depressive, telling me it was too hard to him, too sad and told me was not able to give me the stability I wanted from him

I'm getting the impression he's not really going for this so how can you get closer ? How can you get closer when he chooses to be apart from you, he chooses distance.

18.1.3.5.6>60 I think it shows your efforts being very much bound within the constraints of the situation. If someone is in another country and seeming to want distance wouldn't it be a superhuman feat to get closer to that person ?

I don't answer 'how does he feel about me' questions because I think he knows that and I don't and it's an insult to him to pretend I can read his mind. However his behaviour speaks volumes and I think it could be disastrous if you went to his country because he simply isn't showing commitment and I think you'd be forever wondering and waiting for his next move. Could be due to early experiences that you fall for someone so distant and so unavailable ? I don't think you should sentence yourself to more unhappiness and uncertainty with this man. I think if you do you will waste precious time.


However I'm not you, don't know your situation as you do so you don't have to take this as the final truth but both the situation and the reading make this look not possible for you to get closer. What is more you are in in a kind of servitude to this and Yi in line 6 is advising you that you need not be. You need not be enslaved to trying to make an impossible situation better. Find someone with more to give, I don't feel he will make you happy long term.

 

[musidora]

Dear Trojina,

Thanks so much for trying to help me with this situation, indeed It is very confusing..!

We saw each other 4 times in one year but we used to talk almost every day and had a loving relationship, with, of course, the limits a distant relationship can have... We had moments we made plans and he declared to want to build something stable with me, even if he was afraid to get involved after some heart breaks before. After leaving him the last time "we were officially together" he was too depressed (maybe because of the separation) and isolated himself. And somehow pushed me away from him... At that time I was blessed by this situation also and we went to this "off period". But when we started talking again and told him the plans I had to move there were getting real he told me he was happy, that everything seemed possible with me. Last month I we saw each other and I could see that he cares about me, but at the sabe time It seems he lacks confidence

The decision to move to his town would make this relationship possible but it would not be just for him but because my ex husband also comes from this same place and the fact that political and economic factors are pushing us back to his country. At some point I think that in my lovers head he though It would be too hard for us (my, my ex, my daughter and his new fiancee) to do this kind of mouvement, leave our country and go overseas, but the fact is that our plans are getting each time more solid, and don t depend on this relationship. But of course I want this to work and it couts too me <3 He resonates too much and sees the glass always half empty...I realize he is someone that had been blessed In his heart before me and finds it very hard to trust and to love...

The hexagram 18, Corruption, tells me about a situation corrupted but that is also possible - and he encourages (cross the waters!) the intents to fix it.. Isn't it?

The limits (60) also are so clear about what is involved in this situation - but what kind of limits? (what can give me is limited or I must limit my expectations for a while to get closer to him and accept this limits he imposes me - or even I must show him I won't be there forever so he could know / feel my limits and make a decision...

Indeed now he chooses distance - but still makes some moves, shows me he is there following me somehow... And its been just one month since the last time we saw each other (one eternity to me) I agree is a superhuman feat to get closer to that person, also because I suffer a lot because I love him...

Maybe you're wright and waste my time.

Anyway, thank you so much for your help!

<3

 

[Trojina]

I can't know that you waste your time since you are living this and I only know of what I read here so I think we can't close the book on this and say 'this is what it means' although 18>60 Corruptions Limits - or from Wilhelm 'Worked on what has been spoiled's Limitation'. You want very much to rectify things but I do feel your scope is limited, you can't make a relationship or change a relationship by yourself, it's not possible.

And there are clues through your posts that this is a bit of an uphill struggle for you such as

even if he was afraid to get involved after some heart breaks before

Don't be taken in by this, it's a line men use (and women too) as an excuse not to get too close and it works because it then gives you a reason to wait patiently for him. But it's not an excuse - you can't be happy with a man who is only half there.

After leaving him the last time "we were officially together" he was too depressed (maybe because of the separation) and isolated himself. And somehow pushed me away from him.

You won't ever be happy with a man who pushes you away. It sounds like you are making all the excuses and allowances for him, perhaps thinking you can be the one to succeed with him where other women failed ? This is something many women fall for.

Last month I we saw each other and I could see that he cares about me, but at the sabe time It seems he lacks confidence

Well how much time can you spend hanging around waiting while he is depressed, lacking in confidence and pushing you away ? You aren't his therapist. In my experience the kind of behaviour he is displaying doesn't bode well for you.

He resonates too much and sees the glass always half empty...I realize he is someone that had been blessed In his heart before me and finds it very hard to trust and to love...

This is a classic line from people who want to have little commitment whilst keeping someone hanging on in the hope of getting more. If he wants you he needs to show it - you can't just hang on while making excuses for him.

The limits (60) also are so clear about what is involved in this situation - but what kind of limits? (what can give me is limited or I must limit my expectations for a while to get closer to him and accept this limits he imposes me - or even I must show him I won't be there forever so he could know / feel my limits and make a decision...

No, your question was how to get closer to him. You can't make that happen, that is what is limited and 18.6 says you probably shouldn't even try. How can anyone get close to anybody by limiting their expectations ? You are making excuses for him and there the same excuses people make to keep the other at a distance and you won't be happy with a man who wants to keep you at a distance. Long distance relationships are long distance for a reason, the people involved want space and romance but can they really have a day to day relationship ? Doesn't sound to me like he wants one but I could be wrong.

Indeed now he chooses distance - but still makes some moves, shows me he is there following me somehow... And its been just one month since the last time we saw each other (one eternity to me) I agree is a superhuman feat to get closer to that person, also because I suffer a lot because I love him...

So he chooses distance but takes just enough interest to keep you where he wants you. This is a classic situation, I've seen it play out a million times. Really I think you are wasting your time with him and I think he's both weak and manipulative. He's playing your heart strings but what has he done to show he loves you except talk about it and keep you at a distance ?


Sorry but I don't think he is for you, you need someone much better who doesn't keep saying he's depressed and needs distance but someone who openly wants you.

 

[moss elk]

You need not be enslaved to trying to make an impossible situation better.

I am reminded of a young female friend, a barista I knew from a cafe. Her 'fiance' traveled to his family farm one thousand miles from her and said he went to 'just help with the harvest season.' He called her only once per month, and one email per month.
The harvest season came and went.
Then another harvest season, then another.
A few of us watched this poor girl waiting for three years for her guy to return. He didn't have the courage to break up with her or even talk about it.
It was a slow motion ghosting, extremely unkind and disrespectful. She was often in tears. I was the one who broke the news to her that he wasn't coming back.
She cried.
And then she made plans and moved on with her life. (I did a reading for her which advised her to move, 14.2, and she did.)

 

[Trojina]

slow motion ghosting

Good phrase, 'slow motion ghosting' that was cruel to treat that girl that way. What a coward.

 

[musidora]

thank you Trojina and moss elk..!
Well thats it, I think. Its better to move on and accept the limits to fix the coruption...