19.1 the sick punk blues....

[kestrelw1ngs]

I am feeling worried about being able to stay housed & pay rent. My mind is very scattered between different talents and desires and I have never been adept at marketing my work or finishing anything for portfolios. No matter how I try to "decide what to be and go be it" everything is always a mess and somehow I have taken on 12 new projects and dropped the ball and spent money I don't have...even medication doesn't change this. It got much worse after having COVID.

In the end I enjoy most to do things I love for free, on my own very slow timeline since it is less of a headache.

It seems ridiculous to ask for money to do the things I am good at, like take pictures or give advice or bleach hair or doodle on things or pass on political education. I do not have any "real" job skills or trainings or certificates aside from a Very Useful liberal arts bachelor's.
Everyone is always helping me stay afloat. I have never worked any full time "adult" job instead doing odd jobs, art commissions and kitchen work.

Anything easy to start, as applications or having to prove myself in some system drive me to rage.
Working hard is no problem, it's the policing of self expression and being forced into a boring environment 40 hours a week that is intolerable. By which I mean, impossible. I end up in hospital for health issues or checking out and neglecting the job. For me, not consenting to the system isn't an option. If I don't agree with an environment it becomes impossible to stay in it without belligerence.

In the end my problem is being a starving artist and a no good punk during a recession But wanting to live comfortably for my chronic illness. If my body wasn't sick I'd ditch society to live in my truck. But having done that for a bit, it made my conditions worse.

Meanwhile I got all these big emotions and ideas - can't get rid of them and they aren't making me any money!
I do get tired of being a burden and a beggar with no follow thru. it would be no problem for me to live naturally, if rent was cheaper.

I asked Yi for advice on what to do to stay in this housing.

19.1>7

A sensitive approach.

Doesn't seem bad for an answer but I dont understand it either. 7 is usually about pulling oneself together...

Thanks in advance for your help

 

[Hans__]

Hi Kestrelw1ings,

In the end I enjoy most to do things I love for free, on my own very slow timeline since it is less of a headache.

It seems ridiculous to ask for money to do the things I am good at, ...

Why?
On the one hand, you think it is ridiculous to charge money for things you like, but that puts you in a situation where you are not sure if you have a home and can pay the rent.
That's where I believe something falters. Do you really think it is ridiculous to ask for money or do you believe what you have to offer is not valuable?

In H19, the lower trigram is Lake, this trigram is connected to the element Metal and has to do with money and finance. Trigram Lake is especially about the receiving aspect.
Lake is unbalanced by the moving line at the 1st position, generating Water.
This is about an imbalance in interaction with others based on (unconscious) ideas. One's own beliefs about certain things are considered more important than another's. In this case, the belief that it is ridiculous to ask for money for things you like, is considered more important than another's belief to provide financial compensation for your work.
Water advises looking at one's own insecurities, doubts and fears.

H19 is the hexagram of approaching. This can mean both approaching something but also being approachable.
H7 is about organisation, leadership and structure. In H7, this is not imposed from above, but comes from below (or within).
So H19<>H7 in this case can be seen as inner structuring and take charge so that you are approachable.
The Lake - Water combination is about letting go of limitations (in a lake, water is in a confined environment; it cannot flow freely).
The text of the 1st line says:

Joint approach. Perseverance brings good fortune

I think the emphasis in this case is on joint. The exchange where giving and receiving are balanced.

This would be my interpretation. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you, Hans.

It is some unconscious ideas. I struggle to explain it, but it has to do with standards.
I could do many things but none up to certification standards. If one was going to charge for services, they ought to meet industry standards, for example with being a hairdresser. I cut my own hair which is satisfying to me but not a varied & practiced talent that would land me a hairdressing job.

If a friend wants my style of haircut for a few dollars, I'm happy to oblige.

On a deeper level I feel violated by the entire economic system...it is based on settler colonialism and theft all the way to the the top. Every year more people are cast to the streets. Food we could grow in our backyard costs more and more to be shipped across the world. Many inherit large sums of wealth and waste it while children starve.

Lake is unbalanced by the moving line at the 1st position, generating Water.
This is about an imbalance in interaction with others based on (unconscious) ideas. One's own beliefs about certain things are considered more important than another's. In this case, the belief that it is ridiculous to ask for money for things you like, is considered more important than another's belief to provide financial compensation for your work.
Water advises looking at one's own insecurities, doubts and fears

Yes, there is imbalance but it's not located solely in me.
I have no idea what access to financial stability feels or looks like, it's mentally easier to abscond the whole thing. However it not logical & humane that food, water, shelter are not treated as human rights. So I am attached to my own refusal.

If I could simply barter what I do for others to help me when I am in need, I would feel peace. I don't believe this system where landlords raise rent on a whim is a viable economic model.... paying them does not motivate action.

Imagine the difference between someone calling you to say "hi, I need some help planting my garden. In return I can offer you $50 bucks or a hot meal and some music equipment." versus seeing a job posting "we, the Company Shareholders, demand you prove your skills and worth so you can lobby for a chance to plant a garden for one of our esteemed clients. If you are a good little worker, you get your reward of $50! if you are bad we will scold you and prevent you from working anymore."
Why anyone respects a world in which basic needs are a "reward" held out by a bunch of random guys posturing as parental authorities for your labor...other than coercion, beats me!

It feels at all times like mafia are holding a gun to my head forcing participation.

Sure, at this point I'd like a gun of my own but there is no internal connection to my real work or "earning" money. That illusion has broken and previous motivation to work broken with it.
Money come from thuggery, or slavery.

With how my mind works if I do not accept something I will subconsciously avoid or seek to destroy it.
So maybe it is a case of developing my own understanding to reconcile with this thug world. Or finding some field I actually respect so money becomes incidental and passion is the primary motivation. I hate my worth & position in the world being tied to income. I hate watching houseless people abused neglected and killed for the crime of falling into the cracks of a cruel society and knowing it could soon be me.

I asked Yi "what can you tell me about my relationship with money"
63 uc

I'm "over it."

What I hope is that similarly to love, it will come right after the demand for it dissolves.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

What it reminds me of is dance and music becoming highly technical fields....and common folks internalizing they should not sing or dance unless they train so hard and are "good" and capable of being stars according to those impossible standards.
When singing and dancing are part of what makes us human together.

I don't think anyone should have to be so great and rich or work so hard just to have a place to live.
When I hear stories of this hard work to accomplish basic things, I used to feel shame at my own "laziness" now I feel anger at the withholding of fair wages and equal access.

So 19.1 maybe is about finding collaborative ways to survive instead of buying into the system...it challenges my imagination which is currently limited to stealing or accepting demeaning work conditions as most of my jobs have been.

I asked "what do I need to know about money"

20.3.5>52

Hmm, you may be right that my approach to this is imbalanced and too categorical.

 

[Hans__]

I asked Yi "what can you tell me about my relationship with money"
63 uc

Maintain an equilibrium.
You can have all sorts of legitimate objections to the current financial system, but the fact is that you have to deal with it. For your basic necessities, however you look at it, you depend on the current system.
In H63, the 2 opposites, trigram Water and Fire have found a balance that keeps them from "destroying" each other . Fire does not vaporise Water and Water does not extinguish Fire.
This configuration creates a third force that sets things in motion (think, for example, of a steam generator).
But beware: balance is a delicate equilibrium , only something has to happen and the balance is gone.
Hence, both the text of Judgement and Image contain a "warning":

Judgement H63
...
In the beginning, good fortune.
In the end, disorder.

Image H63

Thus the superior person
Contemplates difficulties
And guards against them in advance.

It is of course very good to have certain ideals and ideas of how things should be, but at the same time you have to be practical.
Trigram Lake from H19.1 (initial question) with a moving line in the 1st position is also a daydreamer, someone who does not want to see reality for what it is.

I asked "what do I need to know about money"

20.3.5>52

"Contemplating by Keeping Still"
The lower trigram Earth in H20 generates Mountain through the moving yin line at the 3rd position.
Earth out of balance is a subordinate to its own emotions and feels victimised by circumstances. Here, choices are determined by others or external factors. The balance between give and take is out of balance.
Mountain as the lower trigram advises completing things, setting limits to one's behaviour, being independent.
The upper trigram Wind in H29 generates Mountain through the moving line at the 5th position.
Wind unbalanced by moving line at 5th position strikes a direction from a rigid and overly strict stance. It is guided by uncertainty and fears.
Mountain as the upper trigram advises figuratively not to move, not to take a direction .
The combination Wind - Mountain is about stopping the direction that a process is taking.

The Yi's response seems to be something along the lines of: Consider the whole situation and see if your current attitude towards money is producing the desired results.

Perhaps needless to say, this is my interpretation of your answer. Take what resonates and leave the rest (and don't shoot the messennger )

 

[my_key]

I asked Yi for advice on what to do to stay in this housing.

19.1>7

19 <> 7
'Approaching' through 'Multitude'

Some think of Multitude as an unruly mass of many conflicting influences; some positive some negative. When a situation is carried along by the unrestrained masses of conflicting positive and negative, then things are rarely resolved clearly or for the good. Yi requires in 7-based circumstances for steadfast and upright thoughts and actions to come to the fore in this way you are able to clearly focus, dispel the gremlins and organise matters towards attaining a common goal.

19 indicates that the arrival of the new steadfast and upright leader is fast approaching to help you bring order to the rowdy rabble. You have much to learn from this leader that will help to see into the matter more deeply and be better equipped to stay focused on your goal.

19.1 - emphasises how important it is for you to gain control of your inner world where the negativity of the gremlins may have taken a strong hold. Allowing this to continue will only lead to disaster.

I asked Yi "what can you tell me about my relationship with money"
63 uc

I'm "over it."

You have already dug a deep trench and your relationship with money is unable to climb out of the trench unaided and has become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. You are undoubtedly caught in the middle of fording the turbulent river and while you are still on the road to setting things right it now requires that you make a further significant offering in order to break free from the strong currents that hold you stuck. Doing this will assist you to re-claim a healthier relationship with money.

I asked "what do I need to know about money"

20.3.5>52

Hmm, you may be right that my approach to this is imbalanced and too categorical.

20 <> 52

'Viewing' through 'Stilling'

Viewing is about observing the patterns of things as they unfold. Contemplating and reflecting without necessarily taking any action. Stilling calls for a stabilisation of your inner world that will stop or reduce the turmoil. It very often calls for a boundary to be established within your personality or inner landscape that is currently not in place.

20.3 - speaks to the threshold of your inner world asking you whether you want to carry on as you are or to allow something new to be birthed. It beckons to you to make the decision about money: is it good or is it tainted?

20.5 - Asks that you commit yourself to the decision you make in 20.3 in the highest way you can based in your ability to learn from the past in order to make this re-birth as successful as you can.

Interestingly 20.5 alternates to 23 ' Stripping Away' as well as it being the nuclear of the hexagram 20; aka it's guiding principle.
Either way it seems that Yi is advocating that you need to have things relating to money based in more solid foundations than you have currently.

... of course other interpretations may give you clearer insights.

Good Luck

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you both for your insights, I will be doing some hex 20 consideration here going into the new year.

The gremlins are indeed active...I feel very powerless after losing so much money & experiencing theft and having to beg. It led to an inner devaluing of material goods, which ideally would push a person to value their relationships more but those were also a horrible mess of distrust and poor boundaries for me, so the whole thing has felt helpless. Crumbs of love, crumbs of money. You learn to not even hope or try with people or with funds, just let it go before you even have it. Or grasp so tightly it ruins things.

There are ways my behavior leads to this situation I cannot see yet. It's so, so frustrating.
I am beginning to connect this to cult recovery and not being trained in the skills to survive outside that structure, my family remains tethered to.
Also cult dynamics shape this mistrust of the outside world. It feels too massive to tackle alone.

For now, I will bring this issue to my counselor and see if they have any advice. I am also trying to get extensive major depression treatment but that relies on staying in stable housing.

Fingers crossed for the leader to show up soon...