20 unchanging

[River1980]

I have been treated really badly by someone and our recent interaction leaves me feeling hurt and humiliated. I cant stop crying. I asked Yi -what now?

Does this mean I have more clarity about his character now and I need to take the next step??

 

[Tohpol]

20 is about contemplation. While you are still in the throes of emotional turmoil it's probably not a good idea to take action just yet. When you are able, carefully think through what led to this point in time and see what can be learned. This will lead you to evaluate better what went wrong and also your own dynamic within the situation.

If you practice meditation - time for a deep session. Or if you have some knowledge of relaxation techniques now would be the time to employ them. Once you have achieved a more detached state you can then think about the next step and ask the Yi again for guidance.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

 

[River1980]

thank you topal. I have tried some meditation and I feel calmer now.

I know there are people going through much worse in the world. So I am trying to get a grip on my emotions because this is nothing compared to people having bombs dropped on their homes and having to flee. But I am hurting so bad.

 

[Trojina]

20 means here I think you don't need to try to do anything right now you just need to sit back and look at it. Give yourself a break, there's no pressure to take action here, it's more a time to remove yourself a little to get a clearer view. To take this literally is there somewhere high to visit to get a view ? A hill, some place where you can sit and gaze out at the world with no need to do anything ?

Anyway that's all you have to do for now. No need to take any step next. Not until you have had plenty of time just to sit and think and look at what happened, look at the view, maybe with a cup of hot chocolate

Oh also this answer implies there are things you haven't yet seen about this because you are too upset. You really need some space to allow what you haven't seen to come to view. You may get an insight into what happened or about yourself or about the meaning of this whole thing. You need a tree house, with heating and drinks machine ideally, to sit and think.

To get mental space it actually does help to physically go somewhere high up with a view, or somewhere where there are things to look at that you're not involved with. Cafes work for me sometimes in this way and so does driving on longer journeys.

 

[altair139]

May I ask how is he related to you and how did he treat you?

 

[River1980]

he's my boyfriend

He smooth talked his way into my home after we had a big argument. said we would talk. He didn''t talk, just wanted to get physical. After he got what he wanted he left and said he would come back and stay the night with me and did not show up. I waited and waited, I text he did not answer.

I feel so stupid.

 

[altair139]

He's an abusive one and it's not easy to get out of an abusive relationship, I think you should seek help (maybe psychologist or someone who can counsel on relationship problems). The way he acts honestly disgusts me. The problem is that I think you are emotionally dependent and if he's good at manipulation he might have even isolated you from your family and friends (so you cant ask for help and must depend on him)

Back to the hexagram, you are at the position to contemplate over your relationship. It's time for you to look into the heart of it and sort out perfectly the negative and positive side of this relationship and put them on a scale. If the negative influences weigh out, you know what to do.

 

[Pearlescent]

River I think the Yi may have given you 20 because it could be important for you to really look at what happened between the two of you and contemplate hs behavior, as well as how it makes you feel.

I wouldn't say his behavior is abusive, judging only from what we've heard in your posts about this one situation between you guys, but it seems he was disrespectful, clearly you are hurt by how he treated you, and its been my own experience that when it comes to disrespectful behavior you can often expect more of the same and that it will gradually escalate with time. We define how we let others treat us, if you let him 'get away with it' or if you overreact, this will probably happen again. It is possible that this is just the kind of guy he is, and there's not much you'll be able to influence about him, but if you really love him and want to stay with him to work on things, you've got to stand up for yourself, and nip this sort of thing in the bud. The best way to do that is to focus on communication, get exactly what you want to say straight, and wait a few days or however long it takes for him to come to you, be as calm as you can and explain that what he did dissappointed you and let you down and why. Whatever excuses he may have, (sounds like he is a smooth talker as you may have mentioned) just say something like, I hear you, but I believed you when you said we would talk and I belived you when you said you'd come back, so if you care about me you can show me that by doing what you say youre going to do, and if you cant do that you need to keep in touch to tell me whats going on. Let him know that you can forgive him, but he has to take responsibility and apologize, and that he can't do that again.

The next time something like that happens, take it as a serious indicator that this is how he thinks you deserve to be treated, which is really only a reflection of his character. How he reacts when you start expecting him to respect you is going to tell you a lot about where you guys are headed in the future. That's also why its important to be calm and have your head straight when you do talk to him, part of why the Yi may have given you 20, because if you come at this situation all emotional or in any way unbalanced it'd going to blur the clear vision that you need to see of him.

So from one human being to another I would say to go ahead and cry, get your tears out, feel your feelings, And be ready for when he will come to you again because you will have some important things to tell him about how you feel and what kind of behavior you want in a boyfriend, then when you feel you've said all of the above sit back and see how he handles it (in both short and long term) and that will show you everything you need to know.

 

[altair139]

The reason why I think he's abusive is because of his actions, they are already very big indicators of emotional abuse, for instance:
- Smooth talk to get physical with an insurance that they would talk (false security given)
- Got what he wanted then isolated himself with her (Isolation). I don't know if he's already isolated her with friends or family yet though.
- He knows that she's emotionally dependent on him at least at the moment, that's why he doesn't even bother replying texts (Neglect). Even gave a false promise. Looking forward to hear what's his reason for that but I dont think it's an acceptable one.

 

[Pearlescent]

Just to play devil's advocate to kind of show you where my thinking is on the situation that River presented and why I don't think it's particularly well informed of either of us to call anyone abusive, is this;

Guys sometimes don't think about things the way that women do, I had a similar situation happen with my boyfriend of 4 years the other night when I asked him to come cuddle with me because I was feeling kind of lonely. Once we were in the bed together things got sexual immediately, and later on I was resentful because it had me wondering if he cared about how I felt and I still wanted some cuddle time. After a few hours I think he realized what happened and cuddled me extra and did nice things for me around the house. We really can't assume to know that was Rivers' boyfriends plan all along, if its a pattern with him then yes, that would be where the reading comes into play I believe. But to be honest the amount of times a guy has leaned toward getting physical instead of getting into a conversation (as females are more likely to do by their nature) is pretty high, and I've known plenty of guys who are good people and love their girlfriend but make dumb mistakes like that. It's how you learn, you know.

To be fair, most of the time when a couple gets physical or plans to have a talk they are generally isolated from others.

We also can't say he knows shes emotionally dependent on him either. Was how he acted very considerate? No, but we just can't say we know what's going on inside the guys head.

As for how he didn't reply we don't know why that was, he may have a real excuse like losing his phone, it could have been stolen, someone in his family could be sick ect. Or this could be something that is a regular behavior of his. I think you want to help River and you could be totally spot on about all that you suggested, I just wanted to say why I kind of thought it might be jumping the gun because there is just so much we can't possibly know. And if I were the person who posted this as soon as someone told me I should see a psychologist or get help like that I'd probably feel like I wished they'd PMed me that or something, but I definitely can't speak for River, maybe that would help her feel supported. And I definitely believe you want to be helpful just like I do, so I hope there's no hard feelings, I just thought it would be helpful to explain how I kind of saw things.

 

[Lavalamp]

I'm with Pearlescent here. You do not know that he came to see you with an ulterior motive, only that you did have sex, and that he did not follow up. Very uncool and insensitive of him if there is no good excuse in my opinion, to leave you hanging. But when Altair encourages you to label that as "abuse" he is not doing you any favors, I think personally it shows a lack of experience to offer that opinion.

The reading is about taking time to reflect. You approached the Yi "I'm upset, hurt and feel abandoned and vulnerable - what now?" The Yi said, "Think - use your head." Hex 20 is about thinking about a situation from many angles, being broad and not narrow minded, thinking about your life and about the lives of others, not just your view point but from others as well, and going from there. The Yi did not say "act", "react", defend yourself or draw boundary lines, it said you need to think things over. And as you are upset, this makes sense, acting when you are upset is rarely a good idea.

If it were myself, I would have something to eat and try to settle my heart, and figure out what I want to say to him. Maybe ask more questions of the Yi later after you can articulate where you are in the relationship, maybe ask the Yi where he is regarding you both when you are not as upset. If you leave space for him be wrong, and acknowledge that himself, maybe things are not as desolate as they feel right now. But sexual intimacy when you are not on a solid emotional footing is a landmine in life, it will only make things more complicated, not more clear. Sometimes young men think if they do not have sex with you there is no relationship between you, I think it is possible your boyfriend holds such a mistaken view and thinks just having sex solves emotional issues. Clearly it hasn't here, often only makes a difficult situation more complex. Or maybe he is just interested in you for sex! You have to figure that out.

Anyway ask the Yi later. And next time when he wants to talk, maybe doing that in a public place might be a better idea...

- LL

 

[altair139]

They are just symptoms that I caught which are found very commonly among emotionally abusive individuals. Of course it will be clearer if a professional can figure it out for her, that's why I also suggested River to seek help from a psychologist.

There's a difference between your boyfriend and hers. In your case, you asked him to come over. In her case, he smooth talked to come over, in order to straight out conflicts through talks, but it turned out they did not have a talk at all but only physical contacts. He even left afterwards without talking (he could do it after he got what he wanted but he did not). It's not about the tendency for guys to be physical, it's about how River's boyfriend came over to resolve the conflict but he did not, even after physical contacts. He basically swallowed his own words after getting what he wanted

This is information era, there are tons of ways to communicate, not only via phones. If you lose your phone, you can always contact via facebook/twitter or other social medias. If he cared about her, he would try to communicate to not worry her (I left my phone in a bar before and had to walk 1km to get a phone booth at 2am just to tell my gf that I lost my phone and was hurrying home). Judging from River's replies it had been 8-9 hours between her posts and he still hadn't replied her, if that's not neglect I can't think what is. A proper excuse would be that he's unable to reply due to health reason (accident, too drunk, etc), even if a relative's sick he could always share that information with her, since they're in a relationship after all.

Well I do admit that there's no evidence yet that he knows she's dependent on him emotionally, it's just an intuition from knowing all the manipulative and emotionally abusive guys I've acquainted with. For me, morally, I would rather be wrong in my readings than seeing a potential abuse and doesn't point it out. If I see a symptom, I give a warning so that she's prepared. After that if she decides to consult a psychologist or just straight out things with her boyfriend, it's no longer of my concern, since it's ultimately her decision to make at the end of the day.

 

[Lavalamp]

Altair, I do have training in counseling. I think you really to shoot from the hip a lot less, and be more circumspect when offering personal advice, especially when people are in emotional distress. This is primarily about learning the iChing. not about personal opinion. And in fact even if a personal opinion is well founded, you have to be able to suspend your judgement to really help people. You do not want to encourage a false dependence on yourself.

- LL

 

[altair139]

The only advice I give to her is that she should seek help from a professional. Other than that I only pointed out the symptoms that are indicating the abusive nature of her boyfriend, I did not tell her to do anything with him or with the situation because at the end of the day nobody can guide her forever and she has to make the decision. She has to know that because most of the victims of emotionally abuses do not know they are into one. After consulting a psychologist she might find more insights in her boyfriend's behaviors and can make a decision of her own.

Well obviously River didn't even know what to do, and desperately seek help from the Yi with just a seemingly desperate question too so it's quite clear to me that she needs helps. We can only give her a bit of insights, but the real insight can only be granted when she tackles the problem directly in the future: Find out if her boyfriend is really abusive or not, and what to do to stop his neglect treatment. Hexagram 20 is a bit similar in that kind of context too, as "The king contemplated his people and gave them instruction"

 

[River1980]

He has been upsetting me alot. There is a pattern occurring and it is abusive and manipulative. However enough is enough. I have subsequently blocked his calls and whats app messages. He can get through via text though but hes only attempted to text once where all he said was please pick up your phone. He is not jumping through hoops to rectify what hes done or find out what hes done if he does not know already. I hope I have the willpower and resolve to keep him at bay. I have gone back to him several times because hes charmed his way back in the past. Thank you to all who replied to help me. I appreciate your help and comments

 

[ariel13]

I know this is an old thread, but I read most of it and agree with Altair139. Manipulating someone to have sex with you and then disappearing is abusive, and there is no excuse for it, not losing your phone or anything. I dated men like this for years and was deeply hurt so many times that I nearly did not recognize it when I finally found a safe and healthy relationship.

You can always communicate, no matter the circumstance unless you are literally dead. Being aware that someone is emotionally upset and disappearing is neglect. Telling someone you will show back up again is lying, manipulation and neglect. A loving man does not do things like this.

I used to have a boyfriend that I thought I loved very much that did this on almost a weekly basis. The last straw was when he disappeared to Columbia on a trip and did not contact me for over a week, passing the date he was supposed to have returned home in addition to being gone for an extra week. It was a dangerous area of Columbia. I was terrified and crying for a week, I literally thought he was dead. Finally, he contacted me again and come to find out he had just lost his phone and couldn't get to a computer to email me. In a way this was understandable, but given his track record of doing this regularly it was the last straw.

But I will tell you what I should really have seen as the last straw, and that was his attitude. I remember him going on and on about how he felt bad that he had worried his mother. He literally had zero empathy nor a care in the world that he had worried or upset ME. This is when I realized how little he cared about me. I left, and it's been 9 years. And I am so thankful I got out of that relationship, where he constantly left me on the edge, wondering if was alive or dead or cared about me at all. I read up a lot on attachment disorders after that. It turns out he had a fearful/avoidant attachment style which caused me to react by acting with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style. Finally over many years of reading and trying to understand that is and blaming myself I realized that I wasn't to blame.

Now I am 2.5 years into a loving relationship where this guy would be at my side no matter what, from illness to family functions to helping me move. And he would NEVER leave me hanging. I'm his first priority, and he calls me to let me know what is going on no matter what. And that's really the crux of it. I am his priority, and he has empathy and compassion for me. And those are two things you MUST have in a relationship.

Anyway, just my two cents. River, I hope you were able to move past this situation and find someone that really cares about you. When you do, you realize that all the excuses you were making for an abusive guy were just preventing you from moving on to find a really good guy who will love you and make you his priority.

 

[rosada]

When I was in high school I got the coveted job of shelving books in the library after school. Quite a few kids applied but when we were all supposed to appear in the librarian's office at 3:15 I was the only one who showed up on time. The others were two and three minutes late. Without any questions she sent them all home and gave the position to me while knodding at those who had just left saying, "It says a lot about a person if they don't value your time."