22.1.2 --> 18 - Relationship question

[aries]

Hello!

I asked this question: what will the result be if I give him space. I received Hexagram 22 with lines 1 and 2 changing to Hexagram 18.

Background: I have several posts already on this relationship. It is driving me crazy - so forgive me for multiple posts about the same person.

I am trying to determine if this relationship can be salvaged. Should it be salvaged? We are very distant right now. There have been so many negative external events happening to him that we are always in problem solving mode. These events have caused him to become depressed and withdrawn to everyone. I am just emotionally exhausted. I am trying to give him space, but shouldn't we be partnering together during tough times? I am equally sharing the burden financially because I can't leave him hanging without help.

I guess I have been the one acting distant. He has been treating me more like a friend than a lover over the last few weeks and I am putting up walls because I feel like I am getting ready to get hurt. And I think I am starting to resent all the support I have been providing - emotionally and financially and he takes his frustration out on me.

This relationship is a roller coaster. I love him deeply and I just do not know what to do.
Any insight?
Thanks

 

[steve]

Hey

The yi is advising you take care of you it may sound selfish, there is almost a vanity or most likely a ego or pride type situation, can happen when the other one wont kind of back down on whatever level that maybe , looking at 18 its really a case lets fix stuff before it gets worse, i am thinking if u get yourself together then things might start falling back into place but it starts with you as my mother would say the buck stops here, time to start picking up the messy toys etc

It feels like the end of the world but its not as soon as you swallow your pride pick up the toys. it will be a start

Steve, hope u feel better soon

 

[aries]

Thanks Steve. I guess that is why I am confused because hexagram 22 is telling me to take care of me but 18 is saying try to repair the damage? Am I reading that right? How do I do both... ??

It is not as much a pride thing... lord knows I have swallowed it many times in this relationship... as it is me trying to figure out what action to take so it can be repaired. And then I question, should it be repaired?

Does that make sense?

I appreciate you taking the time to post a reply

 

[dragona]

Hi, was thnking about this and wondered to whom these lines relate to for there is a person who is walking in his own way, doing things his way only and another situation of having a mere accessory..but as steve puts the frame on it, if you give this a space either you will leaving the carriage to do the foot work or he will be the one having to do that wothout your assistance..second line makes me wonder who is an adorment for whom in this situation? Working that out for yourself perhaps would be helpful...anyway, this is how i got it.

 

[answeredquestions]

Jack Balkin says about line 2:

He adorns his beard.

The beard is a decoration of something else. The right way to adorn it is to recognize the fact. Form is important because of its content; decoration is valuable because it lends grace to what it decorates. Outward appearance should serve inner beauty; outer grace should reflect inner worth. Focus on what is truely valuable now. In this way you will recognize beauty's proper role and avoid shallowness and vanity.

 

[aries]

I just wonder if he is using me. I am so upset. I broke down and sent him a text saying 'are you ok...I'm confused'. His response. I am fine.
I am just sick.
Sorry to sound whiny, my heat is just broken. With him it is either wonderful or horrible.. never just "ok".

 

[aries]

and thanks to everyone... you have given me lots to think about.
I am trying to let it soak in.

 

[ginnie]

as it is me trying to figure out what action to take so it can be repaired. And then I question, should it be repaired?

The result if you give him space is that there will be a walking away. I think that means that you will be the one to turn your back and walk away. And then perhaps he will be more mannerly in the way he speaks to you. You said he takes his frustrations out on you and that is very immature behavior. He needs to grow up! You're not his mom. What needs to be fixed is his childishness. You would be the one taking charge. And they say, when we get hex 22, this is never the most important thing or shouldn't be allowed to take the lead. I hope this is helpful, as I haven't read the other threads ...

 

[aries]

yes ginnie,
Very much. Thank you.

 

[Lavalamp]

I asked this question: "what will the result be if I give him space?"

I'm sure you have good motivations here, but the thing about this question is it sounds like you are trying to achieve a particular result and are working towards that, regardless of whether it is the best thing, the just thing, most loving thing, best for you all things considered and for him in the situation. Were I the Yi I would telling people to give me a better question a lot,not try to figure out how to manipulate the Universe to create a result they desire which may not really be best thing for them personally! But anyway.

22.1
He needs to work on his sense of personal integrity and independence, keeping up false appearances is not a graceful way to live he can abide.

22.2
He needs his relationship with you to be more than superficial, he needs a real sense of connectedness. If he buys you something as a gift, don't focus on the gift.

> 18.
In a few days rest, he will decide if he wants to make a new beginning or not. It will take commitment from both of you to work on the relationship, which is damaged.

 

[aries]

Thank you lava lamp. I appreciate your candor.

Right now our communication is limited. It is like neither one of us wants to cut the other off completely - but it feels strained. We did spend some time together the night before last but we both were just too exhausted to talk about it so we just hung out and talked about our day - had a glass of wine and just chilled.

I finding that I am becoming more and more ambivalent. I want someone to want to be with me... really want to be with me. That is what my head says but my heart aches.

I want to consult the iching again, I just dont even know what to ask.

 

[ginnie]

You might ask this question:

'I Ching, please comment on whether this is will be a good relationship for me, long-term.'

A relationship that is so exhausting, well, I hope that part is temporary.

The thing is, we can do whatever we want, but if the choice was not a wise one we shall eventually meet up with the consequences. Yi does everything in its power to help us make better choices, but sometimes our human nature overrides the 'wise choice' because we just need companionship. That doesn't mean the end result will be disaster. It just seems to make life more difficult and more painful than it has to be. Life does not have to be miserable.

 

[hopex]

Hi - I see 22 as beautify yourself - get feminine. Make
a list of the great times you have had together - and be
the girl he was attracted to

he is the man - he can solve his own stuff - you just have to
tell him how much you believe in his ability.

He is not a girlfriend - maybe he feels emasculated by your
help. Just build him up - good nutrition fresh air and be fluffy
feminine and polarised.

When he loves you he will find adamantine strength to make
his Queen respect him. Let him see the doctor etc of his own
batty or you are weakening him unwittingly.

this is how i see expressing beauty (22) and putting things right (18)
in the context of your question IMHO:bows:

 

[Lavalamp]

Aries, FWIW I love the scene you described, both too tired to discuss your issues or fight, just accepting each other and having a drink and enjoying each others company. That sounds like love to me. Maybe that says something about me though.

Assuming a baseline of respect and the willingness to be sacrificial, everyone has differences and some relationships are more difficult than others. But when you love someone, what can you do? Maybe we love people that are so different than ourselves because that difficulty is something we need, beneficial to our self development, the grain of sand we need to create a pearl. - Or maybe love just makes us stupid! But I do know I have to follow my heart to be true to myself, I have tried being practical and it doesn't make me happy either. I figure if we are going to suffer in life anyway - kinda the Buddhist concept = it might as well be for something that means something to me.

 

[aries]

I cant thank everyone enough for your words of advice and helping me to understand this reading. I am going to try a surrender, not control the situation and focus on me. I will let you know how it goes.

Again, many thanks.

 

[aries]

Maybe we love people that are so different than ourselves because that difficulty is something we need, beneficial to our self development, the grain of sand we need to create a pearl. - Or maybe love just makes us stupid! But I do know I have to follow my heart to be true to myself, I have tried being practical and it doesn't make me happy either. I figure if we are going to suffer in life anyway - kinda the Buddhist concept = it might as well be for something that means something to me.

Very good point. I have long believed that painful situations are for our growth. I think this relationship is supposed to teach me - force me - to break my negative relationship patterns. The last three men I have dated are very different on the outside but two things they all had in common was 1) being unavailable one way or another or 2) being broke. My friends are amazed I am still in this.. I am just thinking the learning isn't over but I don't want to be a masochist.

He has been so burnt in his past relationships I do not think he is capable (now) of committing to one woman fully. But I am getting to the point where I am looking for a life partner.

I dont know when it is time to walk away. And if/when I do, I just dont know to do it.

Sorry for the rambling!

 

[aries]

You might ask this question:

'I Ching, please comment on whether this is will be a good relationship for me, long-term.'

I just did and got 21 unchanging??? Going to have to meditate on that one!

 

[ginnie]

Bite through all the superficial issues until you reach the truth.

"It will help to use the determination of an investigator or a judge," says Hilary's I Ching, intent on restoring the world to good order, who will let nothing stand between them and the truth."

It does seem to mean that a thorough-going attitude with respect to a reform is needed ...

Seems a bit of a heavy hexagram to get, that has always been my reaction whenever I have gotten it.

 

[dragona]

I gather that it is urging you to take steps towards clearing the situation, making a decision, rulling on it. I don`t get it as you need to walk away, but make some decisive steps in order to make the situation lighter.

 

[chingching]

21uc, meditation is a way of biting through.

A good question might be, what is this teaching me?

 

[ginnie]

I just did and got 21 unchanging??? Going to have to meditate on that one!

The text of 21 speaks of how to deal with those who are interfering in our lives or situations that obstruct our abilities. It also speaks about being held in one place, as if imprisoned or as if being punished. It speaks to necessary punishments and also fairness, I think. Relationships involving legal constraints are indicated or needing the help of the law to deal with them. Doesn't 21 sometimes indicate criminals and criminality, or being connected with people who are culpable in some way?

Something you posted above did indicate deep troubles.

 

[aries]

I do feel bound... I feel this responsibility to be there for him. He really has no family support system (all are drug addicts). It is like this relationship is sucking the energy out of me. It's kind of like the movie Good Will Hunting. He has suffered tremendous abuse in his lifetime. He does not trust. His moods change from one moment to the next. But when I really look at him.. in his eyes.. I feel such a deep love. But it is draining me.

My head and heart are in conflict

 

[hopex]

Aries

21 is always litigation legal action - I would suggest that without your
help your boyfriend may resort to crime to survive? There is a real
problem here and Yi may be making a timely warning.

If your boyfriend is affected then he must attend al anon - it may refer
to an injunction against his family or people who do not assist his healing.
You WILL become vampired - there are people who can help and they are
the ones to go to.

The doctor needs to know that deep emotional trauma is making your friend
unable to stay calm and live a life and build a future. PLEASE get help this can
go on for years - the sooner its tackled the better. Sadly you are being harmed
too.

A move away to a new life might be highly advisable - but dont lose your support
(ie family Mum etc)

 

[aries]

thanks hopex,
I do not think he would turn to crime. In fact, I am pretty sure of it. He has goals in his life - he does go to work every day (just pays horribly) and goes to school. It is just this moodiness I can't handle

I know I need to take a break for myself, I am just afraid because he has no support system.

Edit to add: I guess the learning for me is to try to help someone to the point of enabling them. Once I started helping him financially, all the romance went out the window (for me at least). I was stressed about money. And people who are just dating should not have that pressure.

 

[ginnie]

It is just this moodiness I can't handle ... Once I started helping him financially, all the romance went out the window

It sounds to me that you have adopted him as your family member, no matter what, and that the bond between you cannot be explained so easily. It is admirable to help another, but it cannot be explained so easily why you would have voluntarily taken on such a difficult person to help.

But there are also these energy issues, this draining that goes on of your energies.

It becomes a question of what will happen first, that he will improve or you will collapse from trying to reform him. Hexagram 21 is called REFORM. If you stay with him, your life will be about rehabilitating this man.

But he is supposed to be tackling his issues himself, not taking his troubles out on you.

I would like to ask: What is coming from him towards you, except troubles? Is he generous in some way? Or is this relationship a one-way street at the present time? Are there any decent people at all in his family or are they all irresponsible? You have taken on such a huge burden of responsibility, trying to strengthen someone from such a background. You might benefit from going away to get some distance on what is really an extremely burdensome relationship.

Have you asked Yi about taking a vacation from him? I'm not talking about cutting him off or leaving him, just asserting your right to go away periodically to regain perspective and strength?

 

[aries]

Thanks ginnie for help throughout all of my posts on this subject.

The bond is hard to explain. Why I have taken this on? Not sure. I guess I see the potential in what he could be. I was blessed with a loving family and guidance, he was not. To me it is not fair. My family has always taught me (and modeled this) that it one should not hoard money. If you have it, share it. If I have extra money I could not fathom going to go buy a new pair of shoes if someone I love goes without. And now that I have helped, he expects it. However... over the last 6 weeks, I have slowly been paying for less and less... I'm trying! I just don't think it is fair to stop cold turkey.

As far as his family... offer no support whatsoever. It's shocking to me. Everyone is high and looking out for themselves.


What does he bring to the table? Well... it is either really good or really bad. So in the good times, I love that we never sit around and watch TV. We talk about politics, religion, life. Or we listen to music and just sing together. His viewpoints are similar to mine.. this is the first relationship I have ever had that I am with someone who shares the same ideas about religion/spirituality and music. We also share the same goal in life: make money to travel. But what is hard, is that we will be having a great conversation.. and boom... out of nowhere his mood changes and he says something I find rude or sarcastic (I hate sarcasm).

I do need to take some time alone. I think this is the week that I going to do it.
I know this all sounds crazy and codependent... I'm just trying to be honest, lay it out on the table (the good, bad and ugly) cause I really need help in how to break free of this.

 

[hopex]

Dear Aries

At your age the weight of the world should not be on your shoulders -
or have you been supporting someone in your family this way prior to
current boyfriend?

I am assuming you are early 20's 30ish - I am glad Ginnie came up with reform
(we are all learning!) Your young man will know what he wants - if he is a male
energy man. Perhaps he has been raised by women and this has put a fuzziness
on the typical male drive.

I am SOOO glad he has a job in these times. He sounds like an underearner to me
and thats painful - Jerrold Mundis is a brilliant writer on money savvy.

Just keep asking what you need to know - unless it is codependence a look at
astrology may mean he is draining your south node or his saturn is sitting on one
of your personal planets hence the exhausting influence -- just a thought......:bows:

 

[ginnie]

I guess I see the potential in what he could be.

You are a very spiritual person, to see that in him.

we listen to music and just sing together. His viewpoints are similar to mine.. this is the first relationship I have ever had that I am with someone who shares the same ideas about religion/spirituality and music.... But what is hard, is that we will be having a great conversation.. and boom... out of nowhere his mood changes and he says something I find rude or sarcastic (I hate sarcasm).

People who enjoy the same music, and political and spiritual ideas really have a tremendous amount in common.

But he may actually be suffering from a diagnosable psychological condition. His mood swings must be very unbalancing to all his interpersonal relationships, not just the one he has with you. I guess he has no friends except you?

the good, bad and ugly

Because you let him off the hook every time, he doesn't need to ever confront things about himself that are ugly. A good therapist or counselor or energy worker might help him quite a bit. It's not your job to be his therapist or energy worker.

You are trying to save this man. Salvation is a spiritual goal. You sound like such an angel, Aries. We don't want to see you getting hurt in the process of helping this man. I think he needs more helpers; not just you. And I think you need helpers, too. Part of his spirit is dark and part of his heart has been blackened. He does not understand what is wrong with his rude remarks! So much negativity that needs to be released! Until he himself gets clear, energy-wise, he will be contaminating everybody he comes in contact with. What would make him wake up to the realities of his situation? Go away and leave him to himself for a while.

 

[aries]

Thanks everyone.

I really over the last few days have learned to let go of all expectations. I am not ready to cut off completely, but I feel better in that I have accepted the fact that I will be able to handle it just fine if it does not work out.

It is like detachment in the most positive way. It's like he can't hurt me anymore. I realize that this relationship most likely does not have a future. I want to exit in the most positive way. I don't want to pull the rug out from under him, but the time of helping out financially will be coming to an end - he actually just got a second part time job. Yeah!

Right now, I have to focus on protecting myself.
I really appreciate all the support here. I'll keep you posted with an update.

Trying to think of the best follow up question. I really like to think that through.

 

[aries]

So an update and a new reading...

Over the last few weeks we had spent less and less time together. After discussion he told me that he can't focus on developing a relationship because he is not yet "whole" himself.. he feels broken. He said that he wants to focus on himself, getting things together and following the lifestyle principles he believes in (ayurvedic). I am truly happy that he is working on himself. He is also getting things together financially.

So, he says that he wants space. He says he loves me (but when I asked him was he "in love" or does he "love" me he could not answer...said he is "not sure what that means"). Anyway, I said "sure"... but I said that I could not be in contact with him. He said he wanted space.. but in the next breath said come over when you want, hang out have dinner. I said no. My feelings are so strong, it would be hurtful for me to be in his presence without being romantic. He stays friends with his ex girlfriends.. and I am not interested in that.

I also will be glad for the break. I need some space as well. I just wonder if there is any hope. I love him, and it is hard to let go.

So I asked,
What is the future of our relationship together..
I got 45 (line 1 changing) into 17.

Any insight. Thanks for reading,