25 UC and 54.2 -> 51, Healty Relationships

[Arasca]

I asked the Yi about how I could have a healthy relationship with a guy I've been dating for a while. I believe I have an unhealthy attachment style which often makes me feel distraught. This feeling is exacerbated by the guy I'm dating, who's avoidant. I have a lot of feelings for him though, and the part I love most about him is how he is willing to talk things out and try to fix things in our relationship. I don't want to break up with him, but instead see this as an opportunity to improve and grow. I don't want to give so much energy and attention to thinking about a relationship or a person anymore, but instead want to be confident in our bond and use the extra energy for my own goals.

The Yi answered 51, "Without Entanglement", which I thought was exactly how I feel a healthy relationship would arrive. I love him, but don't lean on him, don't wait and anguish about him. Just give him my honest feelings, and take the ones he gives me.

Afterwards, I asked: "How do I become without entanglement?" The yi answered 54.2

Hillary says on hex 54: "A noble one through ever-flowing endings knows what wears out." It also implies that I can't conciously change to be without entanglement, but instead suggests I think about how I can "grow into the situation". What is possible for me now, since I can at the very least see clearly that I am in an inadequate position (54.2)?

LiSe says:

Make your life not bigger than you are yourself. Its richness does not depend on its size, but on your presence in it. If you fill in your territory everywhere to its borders, it is a greater life than an unlimited space which is not full.

I think it is suggestion that I can't seek to be "without entanglement", but instead direct my efforts towards trying to be present in my situation and my life as much as possible... being without entanglement is perhaps an indirect result.

 

[Trojina]

Reading your post I have very different views to you about this. I mean to start with, even without the I Ching I don't agree with your take on what is ideal here. So working through....

I asked the Yi about how I could have a healthy relationship with a guy I've been dating for a while. I believe I have an unhealthy attachment style which often makes me feel distraught. This feeling is exacerbated by the guy I'm dating, who's avoidant.

There was this whole thing going around that a 'healthy' relationship was where the woman (sometimes the man) had no needs for security or reassurance in a relationship. I think that whole way of thinking isn't a 'healthy' relationship it's a rip off. You have made your legitimate needs pathological, you find yourself at fault because of your needs not being met. I think your needs are your needs and if he cannot meet them you are better finding someone who can.

I have a lot of feelings for him though, and the part I love most about him is how he is willing to talk things out and try to fix things in our relationship. I don't want to break up with him, but instead see this as an opportunity to improve and grow. I don't want to give so much energy and attention to thinking about a relationship or a person anymore, but instead want to be confident in our bond and use the extra energy for my own goals.

Erm but in the last paragraph you said he was 'avoidant'. How can he both avoidant and willing to talk things out. You know what, this sounds like someone who is really good at telling you how it's all your problem you can't emotionally handle his was of relating which I'm guessing boils down to him having things completely on his terms right ? It's an old ploy. He does his own thing, you get upset and he tells you your needs aren't healthy ! It's not true, you are being conned in an emotional sense.

The Yi answered 51, "Without Entanglement", which I thought was exactly how I feel a healthy relationship would arrive. I love him, but don't lean on him, don't wait and anguish about him. Just give him my honest feelings, and take the ones he gives me

.

Hexagram 51 is not 'Without entanglement' you must mean 25 right ? How to have a healthy relationship ? Be your spontaneous, true self. Stop pretending. Stop trying to mould yourself to his version of what 'healthy' looks like because it's not healthy. It can't be healthy if it's not true. So totally stop trying to make yourself any other way than how you are, stop trying not to have the needs or wants you have and see what happens. He'll probably inform you in his long talks how warped in your expectations you are and so on..but don't believe it

Afterwards, I asked: "How do I become without entanglement?" The yi answered 54.2

Well like I said above but this answer is saying you are already almost on your own with this man. You are holding steady and devoted to the relationship and he isn't. Realise that. That can give a clue to how to disentangle from all this complication because 25 uc is telling you quite clearly this is not complicated and I doubt you are unhealthy in your wishes or your distraughtness. You get distraught because he isn't doing you any good.

I think it is suggestion that I can't seek to be "without entanglement", but instead direct my efforts towards trying to be present in my situation and my life as much as possible... being without entanglement is perhaps an indirect result

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Don't deny yourself for other people's definitions of what is healthy for you.


Sorry if the post is a bit OTT it's just to me it kind of reeks of a certain kind of self betrayal and I think you are being conned in an emotional sense by him. Even if I am totally wrong on this and of course I don't know as well as you how it is, I still think you need to revaluate your perspective here. You aren't being asked by Yi to put yourself right because you are unhealthy in anyway...you are just being asked to be honestly who you are. If he doesn't give you enough security for your mental comfort that's perfectly valid response in you to feel unhappy.

I think you may be best to disentangle from him because it seems to me you are already like a widow in 54.2. Is he even there for you at all ?

 

[oceangirl]

What Trojina said....