3 to 54 when being ignored

[rosetyler]

Yes- it's constant work isn't it?- self-development doesn't ever really become as unconscious as breathing.

Have now messaged the theatre director I was avoiding.
Written more poems about me and the poet. But strongly feel that the PTSD-type reactions he used to have about his erratic ex are ones I would have if I was in contact with him at the moment. Even the thought gives me all sorts of anxiety reactions. I used to be so in control! (maybe that was the trouble...)

Don't want to pester Jesed if you're reading, but would be intrigued by any thoughts you eventually had on the reading you said was "deep".

 

[bruce_g]

Hellinger - great stuff.

I've also enjoyed all the comments in this thread, and especially Rose's willingness to stay present in it.

Rose, the paradox here is, his creativity (possibly his genius) is tied to his extreme moodiness, however it's diagnosed. And the irony is that this is likely a big part of your attraction to him. It appears from here that you are an important member of the cast of players in his drama, even if he didn't credit you in his blog entry.

People either love or hate these narcissistic artist types, and often they do both. People do have the capacity to develop and heal; that's the good news. They can also lose the very thing that made them unique, in the process; that's the bad news. That's the nature of Magical Thinking and magical thinkers, and those who love them.

Edit: Btw, in a round about way, that's also how I'd interpret your last group of readings. You're feeding off one another's energy, a sort of creative power exchange. 16 is dramatic and 51 is shock. 11 makes peace and 7 makes strong - both pull together.

 

[jesed]

Hi rosetyler

There IS a relationship; but now it is in a decisive point.

Is time to deep examination: do I give what I can give?; do I receive what I need to receive?. This would be a long time of examination.. until next Fall.

But the positions are conflictive: he wants stimulation, you want organization.

How can you achieve balance of those 2 difefents needs? It is not imposbible to achieve it; but both of you need to find out HOW. Otherwise, the personal tendencies would make you movfe in diferent Paths.

Beware of blind enthusiasm; you can't base a castle (or a relationship) on clouds.

Best wishes

 

[rosetyler]

Thanks Jesed. I feel like we can build a relationship successfully- when/if we're able to talk rationally- and it is indeed cloudy when we can't. I said to him with a sense of urgency before everything blew up "we must never end our relationship in the dark, only in the clear light of day". I knew the dark of the past and inner conflict was at risk of encroaching. But I hoped we could keep it at bay. Our relationship did end in the dark (literally) and hence feels very unfinished.

Kind words Bruce, thank you too.I try to stay present. I did in the relationship too. Maybe my struggle to do it with K mirrors my struggle to do it with myself- as some of the reason I love a narcissistic, artistic , magical thinker is because part of me is one too.

I feel like I'm in a limbo-not really believing we are over. Knowing that he can't give me the secure, calm, committed relationship that (some of me) will one day want.

Is whatever else there is enough? It's certainly compelling. But...as a friend said last night, now I've come up against the full force of my feelings (and pain) they'll act as a warning system in future and might not let me go into too much danger.

 

[bruce_g]

Kind words Bruce, thank you too.I try to stay present. I did in the relationship too. Maybe my struggle to do it with K mirrors my struggle to do it with myself- as some of the reason I love a narcissistic, artistic , magical thinker is because part of me is one too.

I feel like I'm in a limbo-not really believing we are over. Knowing that he can't give me the secure, calm, committed relationship that (some of me) will one day want.

Is whatever else there is enough? It's certainly compelling. But...as a friend said last night, now I've come up against the full force of my feelings (and pain) they'll act as a warning system in future and might not let me go into too much danger.

Allow me to speculate a bit. You enjoy these shocks on some level, right? You pretty well said so in stating your addiction to the effects of the relationship. Going to speculate some more; please bear with me if I’m off the mark. You’re used to getting your way with guys? They often will want to cater to you? And, you’ve become rather bored by that, and avoid dating guys who do it?

If the answer to those questions is ‘yes’, then it’s understandable that K makes you feel alive (51, 16 et al), and some important part of you doesn’t want to let it go.

There are these two sides of you (Gemini or Libra, by chance?). Part of you feels this thing with K is wrong, and the other part feels so very right about him. The reason I bring all this up: understanding the reasons behind this amour fatale can diminish its effect. Question is, is that what you want?

 

[rosetyler]

Amour fatale...I like that tag.

Right on many counts Bruce. (Even down to me being a Gemini with Libra rising!).

A year ago I was writing in my journal that I needed to stop being so safe and that even if it was painful I needed to risk myself more at all levels in order to be able to experience feelings rather than cutting them off (my long time coping mechanism after growing up amid chaos).

However during the last year I kept getting very attached to situations in which I felt secure and loved within a structure. All temporary though; staying at a friend's house, a weekend away with a friend and a fatherly man she was working with, looking after a dog for three days at my house, staying with a kind, nurturing man for two days while working away. All situations I missed when I'd left- and made me realise an important part of me needed what they provided.

When K came to me in December offering a relationship, appearing to want stability, the part of me that knew I was drawn to that said "yes". How self-deceptive that all along, knowing about his past and inherent chaos, it was actually the chaos/feelings seeking part of me that was saying yes as well.

Maybe I still need to experience feelings more viscerally (as I now am) before being able to truly open myself to a situation that will balance these parts of me one day. Not K I don't think. Yet maybe he's part of the journey still.

 

[bruce_g]

Amour fatale...I like that tag.

Right on many counts Bruce. (Even down to me being a Gemini with Libra rising!).

A year ago I was writing in my journal that I needed to stop being so safe and that even if it was painful I needed to risk myself more at all levels in order to be able to experience feelings rather than cutting them off (my long time coping mechanism after growing up amid chaos).

However during the last year I kept getting very attached to situations in which I felt secure and loved within a structure. All temporary though; staying at a friend's house, a weekend away with a friend and a fatherly man she was working with, looking after a dog for three days at my house, staying with a kind, nurturing man for two days while working away. All situations I missed when I'd left- and made me realise an important part of me needed what they provided.

When K came to me in December offering a relationship, appearing to want stability, the part of me that knew I was drawn to that said "yes". How self-deceptive that all along, knowing about his past and inherent chaos, it was actually the chaos/feelings seeking part of me that was saying yes as well.

Maybe I still need to experience feelings more viscerally (as I now am) before being able to truly open myself to a situation that will balance these parts of me one day. Not K I don't think. Yet maybe he's part of the journey still.

(re: But, is that what you want?)

I'll take that as a "yes, but on the other hand..."

But seriously, turning back to the beginning of this thread to resolve the matter, and considering the change lines of hex. 3 and hex. 54, I think prudence would say to be cautious in your dealings with K. Regard the beginnings as an omen of what is likely to follow until you are convinced he is truly the one who can and will fulfill your deepest needs as your partner. 54 isn’t where you want to wind up: playing second fiddle to his self-obsession. This doesn’t mean that some sort of relationship with him can’t be enjoyed, but it seems you’d be happier to remain in possession of yourself.

 

[heylise]

No time to post, but I really love this thread. It shows what Yi can do, how much value it has. If it is in skilled hands, of both querent and diviner.
Thanks Rosetyler and Bruce.
I enjoyed all posts in this thread, but it seems a special spark is at work here.

LiSe

 

[bruce_g]

Thanks, LiSe.

I'll defer to a comment from Bradford's 4.2: "A subject will learn when he has objectives in mind. The subject best taught is the student himself, and relevance is the bait."

 

[rosetyler]

Wonderful 4,2 quote.

And thanks Lise and Bruce again. Being able to do the work of analysing and connecting is a good consolation (and compensation, sublimation?) of what I was hoping for in a relationship.

You're right, "yes, but on the other hand" sums up where I'm at with K.
Anger, sadness, confusion, resignation, hope, detachment, obsession and despair seem to be alternating in my head and heart at the moment. Currently without the complication of the reality of him in my life at all (three weeks since we communicated).

Re 54, because it seems relevant, I'll attach an extract from a poem I wrote about the relationship. I'll update this thread...if there are any updates in the future;


I am full of scenes you have had to delete.
I used to be like an actress fired from her first big role
going head bowed and incognito to the cinema
to watch my name erased from the credits.
I would imagine oblivions over and over again,
calm drownings in the sea that waits outside my window.

But by the time you recast me
I imagined writing a poem ending
I swim too well to drown
and had started learning how to operate a camera,
write scripts, clack a clapperboard.

In the house where you had pictured us together
when you said you don’t think I will ignore you like before
when you were nothing to me?
at least this time I knew
that I too would be deciding
which scenes would make
the final cut.

 

[RindaR]

:bows:

You've spun gold from straw, m'lady, I doubt Rumplestiltskin will be able to do likewise.

Rinda

 

[bruce_g]

That's a beautiful poem, Rosetyler, and fitting 54. Thank you for sharing it. I agree with Rinda, it is a fair and noble maiden who can spin straw into gold.

 

[rosetyler]

:bows:

Both the wounded heart, narcissistic artist and noble maiden within me appreciate your kind words Bruce and Rinda.

I'm still writing, hurting and deliberating.

I should obviously, obviously have avoided visiting K's blog page since being unthanked on it. The curious masochist in me took me there last night. He's replaced a slideshow of mainly photos of him with a slideshow of his friends and family, including his ex, his mother and his daughter. Also, curiously, a photo of a well known poet and writer that his ex identified with me, that I identified with, but K himself also identified with. She was a poet who wrote about her tempestuous relationship with a poet. Hmm...

 

[rosetyler]

An update-of sorts.

K got in touch early March saying he still wanted to perform at a gig I was running mid April to prove I'd booked him because he was a good poet, "not just because we had a relationship". Our emails were bare and to the point. I dreaded him doing the gig because even the thought of him still caused me high anxiety and sadness levels.

He texted a while later to say his Mum had been diagnosed with lung cancer. i replied that I was sorry and hoped he had support. Then he pulled out of the gig because he was going to move in to look after his Mum. Two weeks ago he sent a mesage that just said "My mother died". I offered friendship if he wanted to talk but heard nothing. I felt a mixture of guilty I wasn't trying harder, and very worried for him, but also that I should stay away unless he contacted me.

Meantime some of my poems about our relationship are to be published and launched with gigs at the end of April- I hadn't expected it to be so soon. He said in an email to the publisher "do you realise her poems are about me?" which surprised the publisher (who is a mutual friend and obviously does know).

Today I was surprised and saddened to find that K had suddenly removed me as a "friend" from the networking site we're both on. I think he read my blog which had talked alot about my flurry of renewed writing and gigging activity recently (now I have more energy back and am trying to distract myself). I wondered if it was that that prompted him to withdraw or anger that I haven't tried harder to comfort him after another devastating event for him or what.

I asked the Yi why. Answer;

47 1,2,3,4,5 changing to 36.

Depression- failed reaching out and withdrawal?

Jesed's questions on our relationship. All unchanging interestingly;

Diagnosis; 24
His position; 28
Mine; 45
What should I do? 56.


I think I'd reached a position of acceptance that a romantic relationship was impossible- but am finding this severance hard. I'm still grieving I think, though living fully again (and seeing a therapist) but wonder what next. I fear his irrationality but feel guilty about having stayed away.

 

[jesed]

Diagnosis; 24
His position; 28
Mine; 45
What should I do? 56.

Hi Rosetyler

Just in case the comment could be useful

24, for diagnosis, is pretty bad now. It is in the past (from middle september 2006 to middle march 2007). That was the time with a chance to renew the relation. Now it is lost. See the sixth line, and maybe some bell would ring.

He is facing excess of tension, while you want a cooperation with spiritual/deep basis. You are going in two diferent paths. Sorry to tell that.

What to do? move on to where (to who) can nourish you.

(I know that "move on" is easier to say than to do; hope you can do it soon)

Best wishes

 

[willowfox]

"I asked the Yi why. Answer; 47 1,2,3,4,5 changing to 36."

Hex 47.1,2,3,4,5 This guy is totally messed up, the death of his mother has overwhelmed him, apathy has set in and good opportunities for recovery have been losted or neglected. Everywhere he turns he is faced with problems and obstructions, so he just gives up and hides away. He is restless and indecisive, feels totally oppressed and is fed up with his life. Recently it seems that he has come under the influence of some not very nice people. He has not found the help that he needs, so he feels humiliated in his despair but there is light at the end of the tunnel for him to find the salvation that he so desperately needs, that is providing he grasps it.

Hex 36 As he feels oppressed on all sides he has chosen to retreat to find whatever he is seeking, he hides his light from the world but he is still in there.

"Diagnosis; 24
His position; 28
Mine; 45
What should I do? 56."

Hex 24 there will be a turning point in this affair where you come to realize that it is time to find better and happier conditions in your life.

Hex 28 his position is totally out of balance.

Hex 45 Go join with family and friends and relax.

Hex 56 Go your own way on this one, chose to stop with this guy, go search for something else to fulfill your life. Leave him be to his own devices. Move on.

 

[rosetyler]

Thanks Jesed and Willowfox.

Your words ring bells.

I was interested in how much I hate the idea of having "missed" an opportunity though.
If I'd acted earlier in March could we have made something work?
Then, I'd have been with an erratic, depressed man who was about to face the most major bereavement of his life, and certainly wouldn't have been able to nourish me, and probably would have hurt me again.

On the other hand, he might not have been so alone, and I might have been one of the opportunities for him to reach some sort of even keel. Maybe I'm a pessimist. Maybe the situation would have nourished something in me.

Words like move on, not your responsibility and save yourself run through my head, but the feeling is guilt. (and sorrow at a final ending)

There could have been a return and I missed it? Need to digest that one.

 

[rosetyler]

How can I best move on to something/people that nourish me?

40,2,4 to 2.

Ah.

 

[willowfox]

How can I best move on to something/people that nourish me?

40,2,4 to 2.

Ah.

Hex 40.2 is advising you to rid your self of some sly and devious hanger's on, use the truth to defeat them.

Hex 40.4 You have got yourself mixed up in an unhealthy relationship for quite sometime now, stop and let it go, so that true friends can come to your aid.

Hex 2 Follow the advice given by hex 40.2,4 and you will be successful. Discuss the problems that you are experiencing with real friends and be responsive and listen to their advice, then you will be free. Decisions have to be finally made and the appropriate action take to sever the ties that now bind you.