34 Unchanging

[Irmamata]

My late husband, father of my 5 year old son has past away (2 years ago). His mom, my mother in law is financially quite comfortable and just informed me her intention of not sharing her hereditary property with my son. She will soon be donating in life her properties to her daughter. I was somewhat shocked and didn't ask her why? I just accepted her information and changed subject.We all get along quite well, she lives 400km away and we visit each other often, I have my son FaceTime with her every day, so I was surprised with this decision of hers. I really thought she considered my son, her son's son in what heritage is concerned. Anyway I asked the I Ching 'how I should behave/communicate with my mother and sister-in-laws?' after getting this unfriendly information, and I got 34 unchanging. I am new here and I am not sure what the IChing advises?

 

[Trojina]

My late husband, father of my 5 year old son has past away (2 years ago). His mom, my mother in law is financially quite comfortable and just informed me her intention of not sharing her hereditary property with my son. She will soon be donating in life her properties to her daughter. I was somewhat shocked and didn't ask her why? I just accepted her information and changed subject.We all get along quite well, she lives 400km away and we visit each other often, I have my son FaceTime with her every day, so I was surprised with this decision of hers. I really thought she considered my son, her son's son in what heritage is concerned. Anyway I asked the I Ching 'how I should behave/communicate with my mother and sister-in-laws?' after getting this unfriendly information, and I got 34 unchanging. I am new here and I am not sure what the IChing advises?

This thread might be helpful in terms of how others have experienced 34uc.

https://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/fri...ereinces-with-Unchanging-Castings-Hexagram-34

I am drawn to look at the Image here from Hilary's book

Thunder dwells above heaven: Great Vigour.
A noble one treads no path without ritual

I wondered if her decision was merely to do with 'ritual' as in following the norms of the situation.

You aren't being advised to accept, withdraw and be quiet I don't think. I think you do need to know her reasons as otherwise this could be the start of a rift between you as you will keep wondering why she said this ? And why now ? Why when he is 5 years old would she say this ?

Let me think. My mother is leaving no money to her grandchildren, only to her children, because of course the children can leave it to the grandchildren when they die. Maybe she is thinking when you die whatever was left you by your late husband and whatever you have will go to your son anyway which seems logical to me.

Although if your husband were alive she would surely leave her inheritance to both her daughter and her son.

I'm thinking about what's usual, what the norms are of the situation because that is what I think the answer may be pointing to. That is when there is a lot of energy or will, intent or power it must be channelled in accord with what is correct. So what is the 'ritual' in this situation ? What is the established way of doing things ?

Well people leave money to their children and leave their children to pass money onto their grandchildren. Presumably if she died in the next 10 years if she left money to your son then effectively you would be custodian of that money. She may feel more loyalty to her daughter as a blood relative than leaving it to you to give to her grandson which isn't as bad as it sounds when I write it. That wouldn't mean she held anything against you it would be more to do with the form of things.

Hmm I don't know. What you do depends on how much this bothers you and whether you see it as having a big impact on your future or not ? As it is you only have 2 options.

1. Ask her reasons
2. Say nothing.

I can see asking her would be very difficult. Perhaps it is worth looking about to see what is usual in these situations. I know, as I said , my mother hasn't left her grandchildren anything, only her children who can pass it on in turn. Also your son's aunt may pass something on to him ?

Do you think you could bring yourself to ask her, in a friendly way ?

 

[rosada]

How should I behave/communicate?
Hexagram 34 uc.

Hexagram 34 emphasizes the importance of being polite. I think this gives you a clue as to how to persevere. Out of a sense of politeness you said nothing to your mother-in-law when she mentioned her intentions - not because you thought her decision was a reasonable one or that you agreed with it but because you were unaccustomed to discussing money matters with her and you didn't want to be rude. Now that you have had a chance to consider the ramifications of what she's told you, you can now re-open the discussion from a place of calm and not say anything that might cause irreparable damage. So definitely talk to her - just be polite about it.

Furthermore, as the I Ching specifically urges doing what is in keeping with "established order" I suggest you see an attorney who specializes in wills and family matters. In an hour's consultation you may get some very valuable insights as to just what the established order is in these sorts of situations.

I can also see this admonishment from the I Ching to stay on the right path as a nudge for you to consider the extent of your commitment to your in-laws. Is it right for you to continue to have such close contact with them now that your husband has passed and the mother has written you and her grandson out of the will? I think you are a treasure to make sure your child and his grandmother establish a close bond but perhaps it is time to re-evaluate whether this is in you and your child's best interest. You haven't mentioned if you have re-married but presumably you are young enough that you will want to have a partnership with another man and it's hard enough to build a new relationship when you come with a child but to also be connected to a host of in-laws could really limit your options. Perhaps it's time to re-negotiate. As it appears your mother-in-law now assumes your relationship is not one of family but merely of friendly acquaintances, you may want to consider whether maintaining this friendship is really something you choose to do. Is she a good enough pal that you would choose to spend time with her even if you hadn't married her son? If not, then given that she does not intend to acknowledge you or her son's son in her will I would think a friendly card at Christmas would be enough contact to be in keeping with "established order". Obviously this also means scaling back on the facetime chats. I would stop those immediately. Why set your child up for the crushing blow of discovering Grandma didn't really consider him her grandchild years down the road? A daily talk with Grandma is very unusual anyway, and certainly not in keeping with 34. the generally established order. Tell your son he can call Grandma if he wants to but don't you initiate it.
Finally I'm wondering is there any possibility your sister-in-law is somehow behind all of this? Is it possible she convinced Mother that there was no need to provide for her deceased son's child? All the more reason to have a discussion with her and to find out what's really going on.
When my parents died they each included a small remembrance to their grandchildren in their wills so while it may not be the usual order of things for a grandchild to be left an inheritance, it is not unheard of.

Best wishes, Rosada

 

[Irmamata]

Thank-you Trojina for your words. It is really difficult for me to bring up money with this family. Not even my husband would talk money with his mother. She would transform. It is really, really serious. On the other hand she is completely different towards her daughter with whom she shares everything. My son's aunt has children. She won't pass on to him. Again, thank-you for answering.

 

[Irmamata]

Thank-you Rosada for your words. The sister is probably behind this. She is nice but her husband is not so nice. And this mother will never admit the idea came from her daughter. Me and my son did inherit an apartment and some life insurance, so that could be 'bothering' them, helping her claim that the nephew has already had his share and received heritage, or something like that. I hope it might be that the mother is still deciding about the will, and she told me we were out of the will to see what I say or how I react. I sense like she would like me to be impolite and give her a reason, so I Ching telling me to be polite and keeping with established order makes sense here. I think I was always polite. Even though it is not established by law, I offered some significant items that belonged to my husband, in respect for them being close family. They were moved and appreciated it.Heritage apart, this grandmother has gone through the loss of her son and nevertheless has given us so much personal support. She is always there for me to discuss development, help with decisions, telling me that I am doing a great job raising my son, sharing the true joys of a child growing up. She is really present for what really matters. She is fun, she is solid, she is balanced, she is a wonderful grandmother. Her grandchildren is all she really cares for. That's why writing us out was just weird. Beyond my understanding. She's a simple hearted person. What also bothers me is that this actually could close down the friendship. So my son loses his father, then his grandmother because of heritage matters? that makes no sense. Those who lose a loved one know that money is not that important. They know that. Thank-you so much for your help. This is an amazing space