37.3 to 42 my father

[Towerofsong]

I come from a very unconventional home, a home without proper order, rules, structure or propriety in place. Actually, my family home has been a place of shame, where visitors would pretend they don't see hoarded stuff, the dirt, the lights not working, the utter mess, the cigarette smoke everywhere, the pile of unwashed dishes, the dirt on my father's clothes. My mother was very domineering and acted as if she had ownership over me, directimg her bitterness at me in her final years. She passed away and I am left with my father who clings to the house, controlling its every corner (and me) every time I come back from abroad to try to sort things out and normalise the situation. He is refusing to go to a residential facility even though the living situation is beyond ridicous. I just want to tell him how he had ruined me with his ways of control, excentricity and insistence, but he would stare in the distance and not hear a word and then play harmonica. I have so much resentment towards him that it suffocates me, but he wouldn't and hasn't understood a word of my pain as he is emotionally dissociated (I think on the spectrum) and has imposed his excentric lifestyle on me since birth. We were more like competing siblings than anything else. Everyone around sees me as a daughter that should sort out this old, frail man, that should be grown up enough to rise above the situation, the normal one. But I get paralysed every time I come back and just collapse. He appears helpless and frail, but there is immense control there, an imposition of his code of living that only those who lived this shame understand. He never saw it as shame though, for him it was the self-created universe that he commands. I moved abroad years ago to start again, but the story of this house and my self-absorbed parents has been hanging around my neck, suffocating me like a rope that aims to leave no life behind. I am utterly exhausted from the struggle, from trying to make it on my own despite the messages received from my family. I recently returned to the house after he had a fall, and tried to help, but found myself in a constant state of a panic attack. While very weak he was open to the idea of living in a supported setting, but he is now feeling strong and independent again. I cannot just leave and not look back because this would be impulsive and immature and give my family members (who have all stayed away) a further reason to say how incompetent and immature I am, but I also haven't got the strength to play this hide and seek anymore. I left for abroad because of the pain and despair my parents, the wider family and the family home have caused and I come back, every time more exhausted, to help someone that makes my whole body stiff and depleted of oxygen. I serve him food, he smokes cigarettes all day long, fanily members joke they'll chain me to my father's chair and I just want to throw up. I don't think I have the strength to fight for him to go to a residential unit, but this way I'll get called back again and again whenever there's a problem. To the home that ruined me. I have been silenced by my family so many times and have never learned to stand up for myself and protect my boundaries and my space. Whenever I try to do that it backfires. I asked the Oracle how to sort out the situation with my father and received 37.3 to 42. I know boundaries should be placed, I have been trying to all of these years, but it's as if I regress to a helpless child every time I come back in this house and try to speak through the adult persona I have created with so much effort and suffering through the years of living abroad. Any advice on how to move forward would be much appreciated.

 

[becalm]

The reading says be firm but with Love.
Me - I walked away from family abuse and all that went with it 20 years or more ago. Best things I ever did. Why do you care what other family members think?

 

[dfreed]

A quick question for you - are you a son or daughter? And what is the family structure - what other brothers and sisters do you have? And where are you in this structure? e.g youngest, or middle daughter or son, or ???

Best, D

 

[rosada]

37.3 says you must be firm about your boundaries. Do not tolerate any disrespectful behavior.

 

[Towerofsong]

The reading says be firm but with Love.
Me - I walked away from family abuse and all that went with it 20 years or more ago. Best things I ever did. Why do you care what other family members think?

Thank you, becalm. I walked away too, but it's unresolved for me. I think the reason I care about others' opinions is because I am afraid of judgement and because I have played along with this idea that I'm a caring daughter for too long. I wasn't really raised to hold my space, to know how I feel and to decide when something has reached my limit. Other people's expectations have always come first.

 

[becalm]

Thank you, becalm. I walked away too, but it's unresolved for me. I think the reason I care about others' opinions is because I am afraid of judgement and because I have played along with this idea that I'm a caring daughter for too long. I wasn't really raised to hold my space, to know how I feel and to decide when something has reached my limit. Other people's expectations have always come first.

Same for me and it's been a long, long road and a lot of suffering until I realised it's about me, not about them. I learned whatever someone gives you, positive or negative, you can Accept it or Not. I've finally learned to only Accept the positive and if I do fall back into my learned habit of Accepting the negative, I'm pretty quick now to rectify it.
Yi and the members of this community have been a big influence into learning to be the Best me for Me.

You can do it. They're only a part of our lives until we go to Heaven and then poof they're gone!!

 

[Towerofsong]

A quick question for you - are you a son or daughter? And what is the family structure - what other brothers and sisters do you have? And where are you in this structure? e.g youngest, or middle daughter or son, or ???

Best, D

Thank you dfreed, there are only two family members around - one is my father's distant cousin who considers himself the patriarchal prophet, giving orders and opinions without actually providing any practical help or asking what might help in the first place. The last time I saw him a few days ago he made a joke to my father aimed at me that they'll just have to chain me down to my father's chair so I don't run away. He then makes sure that he speaks over me if I try to respond or protest. The second relative is my step-brother who has kept himself away for years (we share the same father). He places a lot of blame on me, with aggressive pain of toxic communication, for being the preferred child. He oscillated between crying about his trauma and accusating me in raised voice without any questions to clarify or ease. I validated his pain and contained the space as this was the only way to make a step towards reconciliation. Little does he know I got the bad end of the stick - his father was absent, mine was present in ways that oozed presence in perverse, sneaky ways.

I signed a contract with my father that promises lifelong care in exchange of inheritance due to traumatic events related to my mother's death (mother's relatives throwing me out of the house in front of my parents, preventing me to access my inheritance after my mother etc). I felt so unsafe and unloved that I ended up playing a loving, caring daughter after my mother passing to someone who doesn't understand love and care. Because of this contract I am expected to look after him. I tried making contact with my step brother to explain that this was a desperate measure under desperate circumstances and tried to reason with him, but he holds immense resentment towards me. He feels that whatever I've done for my father through the last 10 years doesn't count towards inheritance and that we should split the house 50-50 as my mother's share doesn't count either. He inherited a full family home after his mother passed and has built himself a beautiful house himself. I on the other hand rent rooms here and there, without any security or home. He is not really interested in what out father needs practically and thinks that dropping over for a visit means he has now re-engaged. So holding GP communication, arranging referrals for cardio appointments etc, coordinating my father's carer, arranging meds etc falls on me whenever things go wrong (like this time). I think to myself that if it wasn't for my desperate need to belong and feel safe I would never have tied myself down to my father and played the concerned daughter role that suffocates me. I asked my step-brother if he would be willing to take my father for a viewing of a residential home I had arranged, but my step-brother said I better do this as he might lose it with him alone. Now my father's refusing to go anyway.

 

[rosada]

Looking at this again..
I'm thinking 37.3 - 42 could be the IC directing your attention to the contract you made about being your father's caregiver (37.3) leading to an inheritance (42) in which case it could be saying the first step to sorting things out with your father is to check out exactly what you agreed to in this contract (to be on call 24/7? Or something more reasonable like agreeing to handle his bills and grocery shopping). You may need to consult a lawyer. Possibly some organization that deals with elder abuse could give you some information without charge.

Remember the very first hexagram of the I Ching says "The superior man makes himself strong and untiring" so ya gotta take care of yourself before you can do anything for others!

 

[Towerofsong]

Looking at this again..
I'm thinking 37.3 - 42 could be the IC directing your attention to the contract you made about being your father's caregiver (37.3) leading to an inheritance (42) in which case it could be saying the first step to sorting things out with your father is to check out exactly what you agreed to in this contract (to be on call 24/7? Or something more reasonable like agreeing to handle his bills and grocery shopping). You may need to consult a lawyer. Possibly some organization that deals with elder abuse could give you some information without charge.

Remember the very first hexagram of the I Ching says "The superior man makes himself strong and untiring" so ya gotta take care of yourself before you can do anything for others!

Rosada, thank you. I haven't stipulated any 24/7 or anything unreasonable in the contract. Actually, this contract has an emotional weight for me that just cements expectations I have internalised. Nothing much would change even if I dissolved the contract, it is the shame and low self esteem that drive it all because an adult daughter should look after the frail and helpless elderly father and the fact that I do then confirms I am an adult for others. I was never given the chance to properly grow up with my parents and extended family have always treated me without respect. This care is a compensatory mechanism to say I have risen above the shame of the house, portraying my father is eccentric and helpless as the community sees him. These are cognitive distortions masking the fact that he is a perverse and very subtle controlling personality who has been able to trigger a state of panic in me without saying a word all of my life. He did it again this morning by opening the door to where I was standing and walking into me so I had to walk backwards and nearly fell. It all happens without words and eye contact from him. He wouldn't answer if I addressed this, he has always just kept on walking in what feels like an act of severe violation. Once I stood up to him abd he hit me. I have ways normalised it. I know I need strength to deal with this, but I am exhausted from all of these years of carrying trauma, making a life for myself abroad on my own and the growth of it all. I feel like a snake thar shed it's skin and is too weak to crawl, but at least recognises the landscape for what it truly is. Thank you again, I really appreciate your thoughtful response

 

[rosada]

Sounds like you are saying you know boundaries need to be put in place but you feel powerless to do this. Maybe ask the I Ching some follow up questions like "what should I focus on to regain my strength?" It doesn't have to be a big thing, just a thought to get you through the moment. When my girlfriends and I have talked about our various seemingly insurmountable struggles we will often conclude with, "But we still have our good looks!" A little laugh, but it helps.

 

[dfreed]

I asked the Oracle how to sort out the situation with my father and received 37.3 to 42

Hello. You describe what feels like a very toxic situation for you - and probably others: shaming, no boundaries, insults, dishonesty, control .... And while I don't want to blame you, you seem to also describe ways that you are going along with this, that you're staying (or are trapped) in this situation out of shame, obligation, or some future financial benefit, ... or, you feel you have no options.

Hex. 37 is called 'Household' (among other names). The trigram (three line figure) Fire is below, for me it describes a warm, safe space; from which the children can explore and find their way in the world - as we see in the upper trigram Wind.

But in your case this household is not as it should be, far from it!

The lower trigram changes to Thunder which indicates a need to act - even if this might be fearful and shocking to you - to change or get out of this situation. Perhaps as a prompt, you need to think about what this situation will be like, long-term, if you don't act (and as you describe it, I can see no good coming from you staying in it, as it is): taking action is what you need to do.

Line 37.3 reads: A household complaining. Danger ... trouble .... Women and children chuckling and giggling: ending in distress. (Richard Rutt, trans.)

For me this describes your situation - and perhaps what might continue to be unless you act: complaining about one another, danger; 'women and children chuckling' feels like ridicule, and/or about people making light of a toxic and troubling situation.

What might this shocking action be for you? I don't know for sure what the details are, but Hex. 42 gives you some clues:

With Hex. 42 you have trigrams Wind above Thunder: that you need to take action, and you also need to be persistent, and be gentle with yourself (so this isn't just another 'shock' to your system); and that you need to think of how this fits into your long-range plans. The danger here is getting caught in too much planning - too much thinking and not enough action - and / or you succumb to a 'dictator' - who can be your father, but may also be your own inner critic.

Stepping away from the Yi's advice for a moment, you are describing a very toxic - and perhaps dangerous - situation; one that you don't know how to extract yourself from - perhaps out of fear, or a sense of obligation or shame, or some hope that you'll have a reward at the end of all this? Whatever is true, I suggest that you seek help from a therapist, counselor, social worker .... because I get the sense that you need help in getting free from this long term-toxicity, and that at the very least you need an ally and friend.

I hope that's of some use for you. D

 

[marybluesky]

I agree that the reading emphasizes on setting firm boundaries. I know it can be hard for you, but that's the I Ching's advice.

Your father indeed seems to be on the spectrum based on the lifestyle he's created for you & others. Don't listen to the faraway people who expect you to nurse him & behave as it's not a big deal while they may not be able to tolerate the situation for one single day. And it's not surprising that coming back to this place with all its history disturb you.

My mother has bipolar disorder, so she is not only prone to nervous attacks once in a while for no to little apparent reason, but tends to stop taking medicine from time to time. While I love & respect her, I've told everyone that I won't accept any responsibility regarding taking care of her from now on. These people are so difficult to handle, you won't understand it until you live with one. I'd been trying to look after her for a long time but couldn't go on because of the negative effect it had on me.

 

[diamant]

Towerofsong, so sad to read your story and what you're going through.
Your father sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Ideally, you should turn around, run, and never come back to that rotten situation.

how to sort out the situation with my father 37.3 > 42

I once received this same omen when I asked about my mother.
I can't remember the exact way I had phrased the question, but I remember the cast.
(note: my mother is a really nasty piece of work, abusive, machiavellian, malicious, etc., I completely cut her off years ago)

This line speaks about an aggressive family member (family person scolds scolds). It also shows the woman/child giggling - this is perhaps you trying to make light of the situation. The end won't be good. 42 shows someone focused on profit.

In my case, my mother was at all times aggressive and focused on her own profit - so I'm wondering who the cast is describing here. Can you be strict and aggressive with him, and just focus on inheritance/profit? I somehow doubt it.

I lean more towards this is describing him. A nasty family member.
How can you sort out a situation with such a person? In my opinion, the cast means you just can't.

 

[Towerofsong]

Sounds like you are saying you know boundaries need to be put in place but you feel powerless to do this. Maybe ask the I Ching some follow up questions like "what should I focus on to regain my strength?" It doesn't have to be a big thing, just a thought to get you through the moment. When my girlfriends and I have talked about our various seemingly insurmountable struggles we will often conclude with, "But we still have our good looks!" A little laugh, but y

Same for me and it's been a long, long road and a lot of suffering until I realised it's about me, not about them. I learned whatever someone gives you, positive or negative, you can Accept it or Not. I've finally learned to only Accept the positive and if I do fall back into my learned habit of Accepting the negative, I'm pretty quick now to rectify it.
Yi and the members of this community have been a big influence into learning to be the Best me for Me.

You can do it. They're only a part of our lives until we go to Heaven and then poof they're gone!!

Dear friends, thank you for all the reflections, supportive thoughts and shared experiences related to this difficult topic. I think the common theme here is setting boundaries and that's what I've been trying to do. That's a complex matter. The main boundary that I can now keep is one within myself, knowing that I will not disintegrate. With this a lot has changed because I am no longer addressing my father with unmet needs from childhood and teenage years, no longer expecting him to see and make it right, no longer feeling a complete victim of circumstances. I have reparented myself to a degree and am now seeing myself survive acts of control from him. It feels like this is a matathon rather than a battle where a house, an era, a rule needs to fall and where I need to act with dignity if I am to oreserve myself. He agreed to a visit of a residential home.

 

[Towerofsong]

I'm not sure if anyone reads updates on threads that have been open for a while, but I'd rather keep this under the same thread to keep continuity. My father is now in a residential setting for the elderly, which leaves me with a very messy, smelly, hoarded, dysfunctional house. There's no heating or basic amenities. This is home. This has always been home for me, until my mother became ill, and then the whole family disintegrated and ideas of home, safety, shelter, unconditional acceptance got entirely shattered. I moved abroad, started a new career and completely burnt myself out in this exodus of grief and fear. But through the burning out, I also became someone far more genuine. A friend asked me recently how I might describe the internal change over these years, and I thought of a difference between a mansion standing in the wrong place and a facade standing in the right place. That's how it feels, the draft is so difficult to bear due to extreme exhaustion and lack of security in all directions.

Finding myself alone in the house, I am acutely sensing a remnant of the only home I knew and a premonition of what a home might feel like. My space has never been just mine. The house is uninhabitable and would require a major financial investment to make it a place one can live in. I'd like to move back in my home country, hence thinking about whether or not to sell the land (as the house itself is worthless), or potentially try to work on the house little by little to make it habitable. As we've always lived in a dysfunctional house, the thought of again living in a situation resembling a campsite is nothing terrifying. All rational minds advise me to sell and finally get myself a tiny studio and have a decent place of my own for once. But my trauma comes from here, from the ultimate universe of my parents who dominated it while fearing the outside world. Would it make sense to try transform it into something else very slowly? To get rid of the old smells, the old crap, the old rules and see this space as a potential reality rather than the one imposed? Can I work with crap? Or would the challenge exceed my eroded resources? Would I crash and burn, given that I'm already burnt out and without any finances to invest? Is there a more gradual way in between?

I asked the Oracle whether to work on it or sell and got 29.5 to 7. I'm reading this as a caution to be very careful of my own resources and a clear plan with self-disciplined approach. I wasn't clear on the answer though so rephrased the question only to get hexagram 8 unchanging. I understand that union comes from a moment of crisis, but not sure what it refers to here. And finallly, I asked what are the next steps, and received 47, confinement. Perhaps indicating that no next steps should be taken?

Any help would be nuch appreciated.

 

[becalm]

This is a huge ask of yourself to wade through all the BS in front of you on so many levels. BUT it could also heal you on so many levels too. Sorry I didn't answer your readings but having lived through a heap of BS myself I can totally understand why you'd do it and the healing it would bring and why you wouldn't do it because of the huge mental and emotional toil it may have on you even if that would bring release.

 

[rosada]

29.5 - 7: Suggests to me bringing things to a level you are comfortable with, a situation you can control.
Maybe bringing the property up to being habitable. Maybe put it up for sale but fix it up to the point where you wouldn't mind living there even if you had to wait awhile until it sold at your price, rather than selling it at a discount now just to sell it quick.

 

[diamant]

I wasn't clear on the answer though so rephrased the question only to get hexagram 8

Exactly how was it phrased the second time?

Also, when in a dilemma, I find it useful to ask 2 questions (result if I do A? result if I do B?).

 

[Towerofsong]

Thank you all, I deeply appreciate your support in walking through this.

I agree with you, Rosada, that the point is to keep things under control, which feels a very difficult task. There is no heating, hot water, running water in the toilette, lighting/electricity in half of the house, and because it was made of wood it's got all sorts of insects festering in between walls. It's hoarded and the surrounding land overgrown so it's a challenge to get to the main door. In order for the house to be seen as having any worth I'd have to invest tens of thousands. But I agree with you in that this shouldn't be a rushed thing, there is an emotional process unfolding here that is beyond my grasp and perhaps I need to give it space to run its course while sorting things out here and there a bit every day. On the other hand, if I think about hexagrams repeating chasms and the army, I should now take decisive action rather than converse with ghosts. Especially repeating chasms speaks of having self as the only compass, as a home, as a house so to speak. Perhaps this is the house I should be inhabiting and use myself to move forward despite the emotional pull to sort things out. I feel so worn out.

Diamant, I'm not sure how I phrased the question for hexagram 8 and have followed your advice with the two specific questions.

I asked "what happens if I go straight into the sale?" The answer was 17.2.5 to 54. I could read it as having to let go of the child in me, the infantile self clinging to an escapist idea of a home, in order to embrace the stronger grown up version of me, knowing that the task of sorting out the house exceeds my resources. Changing line 5 may suggests going ahead quickly would be auspicios, because it is done with Truth. The second hexagram, the marrying maiden, perplexes me - it seems to indicate waiting as it is not yet my time, it's not yet time. The situation is not mature.

I then asked 'what happens if I try to sort out the house gradually for me to live in?" The answer was 6.2.6 to 45. Clearly hexagram 6 suggests stress, conflict, with changing line 2 saying there's no winning here, the project is far too big for my abilities and line 6 advising that even if I win a battle here and there, the stress/conflict/standstill will continue. Hexagram 45 - unlike the marrying maiden in the first question - suggests good fortune in proceeding.

In my interpretation both of these readings seem ambiguous, the first hexagram somehow not coinciding in tone or direction with the second one. Again, thank you dear I Ching friends for your support so far - if this awakens any new perspectives or thoughts in you, I would be very grateful if you could share them.

 

[diamant]

whether to work on it or sell and got 29.5 > 7
29.5 shows how to pacify a great danger. Flooding water is channelled and thus catastrophe avoided. And yet the situation still leads to war. So if you try to channel water (fix the running water, bring running water in that 'pit'?) a war will start.

what happens if I go straight into the sale? 17.2.5 > 54
17 is a scenario where a man gestures to a woman to follow him and she does. Here, though, there are lines changing, which means the woman takes the decision and initiative (by herself) to follow the man, and thus puts herself in an inferior position (54).
So if you go straight into sale, you'll side with your brother and alienate your father (this is one possibility which pops to mind, when reading about the boy and the mature man). Are the house and land all in your name, are they all yours to sell? From this reading I'd risk to guess that no. You'll follow the young man (brother?), you'll follow something which is excellent (a capable lawyer or estate agent?), but the result is still 54, 'second best'.

what happens if I try to sort out the house gradually for me to live in? 6.2.6 > 45
Line 6.2 clearly advises you to flee and escape because you can't win this argument. Line 6.6 says that someone in this situation will continue to argue, and will take this to the extremes. Whoever persists in arguing, will lose money. I don't know what the argument is here, or who this persistent person is. 45 shows a large bunch of something, a great concentration of something, so maybe, here, a great accumulation of arguments.

In conclusion, none of the two courses of action sounds favourable - but selling the house sounds somewhat more favourable than trying to fix it.

 

[Towerofsong]

Diamant I think you're right in that no way is ideal here and that my step-brother should be taken into consideration in these readings. I have made steps towards reconciliation this time, going for a visit in person and letting him express himself in a very heightened way without saying a word in response. He feels that our father has deserted him, I wish he was open enough to hear how I got the worse side of the stick with having him around. My stepbrother was emotionally neglected and abused from a physically distant father, I got it every day from up close.

I formed the inheritance contract with my father following my mother passing away. My father was keen to attach himself to any woman that would look after him, and unfortunately I was gasping for any idea of a home, even if it meant repressing all of the anguish and stepping into my mother's caring shoes towards him. This arrangement was bound to fail over time. Two pathological positions meeting blindly, my father's need to preserve his infantile self and my desperate need to preserve an idea of a home.

My mother's side of the family played a massive part during her passing away, excluding me from the inheritance that I should have received after my grandmother by her siblings claiming my mother's share. My mum's sister also kicked me out of my parents' house in front of both of them while my mother was still alive. I was always someone to be kicked out, kicked about, kicked down. Despite my parents, or by them. This was one argument I couldn't win and I moved abroad only to see the past haunt me time and again.

My brother has never expressed condolences for my mother passing away, did not attend the funeral and never asked for any explanation. He built a strong narrative about me. Our father oferred him money to compensate for a share of the inheritance I was to get through the house, but my stepbrother refused and hasn't spoken to our father in years. I was the one to keep on going back, cleaning the house, sorting out care packages my father would then cancel, cooking and serving, liaising with the Gp speaking to him regularly and dealing with his consecutive phone calls until he got me to answer.... until I broke down.

My step-brother doesn't feel that those 8 years of doing all this work count as "we're starting fresh" and also feels that we should split the house half each, because our father only married my mother once the foundatiommns of the house were built. They were married for 30+ years. My stepbrother also discounts the fact that he alone inherited a big flat they had as a family after his mother and used it to expand his house and get a bigger pool in the garden for fis family and grandchildren (he is much older). I have to top up my father's stay at a residential facility quite a bit as well.

During our meeting I said to my stepbrother that my intention wasn't to exclude him from the inheritance and that I was planning to give him a quarter, splitting our father's part half way. But thinking about it all - traumatised, without a stable roof over my head, having played the marrying maiden to my father and physically burnt out without any family to offer support - is my urge for atonement really a sign of guilt someone else should carry? Am I kicking myself around and down here?

The house still belongs to my father, who now has a diagnosis of dementia confirmed several times. I had to take him to a psych unit one day before him moving to a residential unit because he was psychotic. He wouldn't eat, wash or change clothes if alone, got himself trapped into financial scams, and his entire support system was relying on an elderly lady - I don't think I had any other choice but ensure residential unit for his safety. Still unsure after all those years how I'm in the middle of all this, feel unable to start my own life, to function, to explain any other family member what I've been through as no one cares, or to see how to move forward. So I thought that perhaps trying to sort out the house and move back to my birth town where a lot of my friends are and where I do feel at home might help in finding my roots again and healing. In previous I Ching answers the theme of having to connect with my friends/roots in Southwest rather than keep on fighting was keep on coming up. Perhaps it just doesn't involve sorting this house out.

 

[diamant]

Good grief @Towerofsong , this is one heavy story of severe abuse. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you're still going through.

You write very clearly, you express your thoughts and feelings very clearly. If your relatives, or anyone else, doesn't seem to understand what you've been subjected to, then don't struggle to convince them. They won't ever get it (or they do get it, but don't want to admit it or they're just gaslighting you), so don't waste precious time.

My apologies, you did mention the inheritance contract with your father before but I forgot. Now that you've explained the inheritance situation in more detail, it sounds to me like your step-brother will be the one to wilfully persist. 6.6 shows, however, that in the end he won't be able to contest it.

Your friends in the hometown do not appear in the casts. 45 also means community, but not in terms of close friendship - more like a group of individuals bound by the same rules and regulations. I have first hand experience with toxic parents who still live in the hometown, and my experience is that they conduct a smear campaign against the abused child, for years (just a detail for you to think about).

is my urge for atonement really a sign of guilt someone else should carry?
Am I kicking myself around and down here?
Yes to the first question. When a parent abuses a child, it's 100% the parent's fault.
And yes to the second question.
Is it possible for you to see a therapist, so that they help you break free from this nightmare?

 

[Towerofsong]

Thank you, diamant. Your kind and compassionate words are deeply appreciated. I am really sorry that you have been faced with difficulty and have not received everything a child should from your own parents. Sounds like we are both walking the path of reparenting.

I have been working through these issues ever since I moved away, it's just that this now feels like the return to the primal scene and my resources - financially, emotionally and physically- are very scarce. It's a turning point, I'm just not sure where to. But then I also think it's about bloody time things shift, so any movement may be better than the locked chessboard I was seeing through all these years.