4.6--> 7 relationship question

[bepos]

Hi everyone,

The issue of my bf still keeping frequent contact with his ex really bothers me alot. I really wanna know if he still has feeling for her. That's why I contact iching and hoping there would be an answer for me. I got hexagram 4 with changing line6 to hexagram 7. It seems like iching is telling me he doesn't know the answer. But just to make sure I interpret iching correctly, I'd like to seek some opinion from anyone of you. I appreciate it!

 

[gato]

it tells you that is not wise to (try) punish him. you will not do any good if you are bothered by this.

 

[gene]

And to take this one step further, I think a better question would be "What is the nature of our relationship? or Where is it going?" Something to that effect. If the relationship itself is good, I think there is no point in torturing yourself. If it is not, then maybe it is best to find out why. In the meantime, be careful that you are not too fiery or overly emotional, but try to see things as they really are.

Gene

 

[willowfox]

Yes he does still have feelings for her, so you need to bring some order here by telling him to make up his mind, her or you.

 

[einhorn]

I know this is outside the bounds of I Ching discussion, but generally speaking, there are only two reasons why someone keeps in contact with an ex:

1) Because they are still pining for their ex (you don't want to be with someone who isn't over their ex)

2) Because they know their ex is still pining over them, and they like the attention (you don't want to be with someone who gets off on getting attention from their ex)

So in scenario #1, it's bad because the other person isn't fully committed to you, and would probably leave you if their ex wanted them back. Do you want to deal with that anxiety?

And in scenario #2, they are enjoying the attention, which is a bit of a red flag if you intend to have a serious relationship with the person.

I may get flamed for this, as many people say "oh yeah, my ex and I are great friends" etc., but even most of those people fit into one of the two aforementioned categories even if they won't admit it.

Finally, it's weird when the person you're dating is still in contact with their ex. It's REALLY weird if they still hang out with them, and it's SUPER weird if you all hang out together. "Oh, hi, this is the person that my significant other use to have sex with."

There is one exception, and that is if they just *casually* dated for a short time but were never serious. Sometimes people date and realize they aren't really compatible, but maybe are still casual friends. This may or may not be acceptable depending on your personal values. But as far as *serious* relationships go, no, they shouldn't still be talking to an ex.

As a rule, I don't date women who still talk to their exes because nothing good will ever come of it.

Sorry to go outside the bounds of I Ching discussion. I just thought this was relevant.

 

[arabella]

This tells me he is being foolish and is about to lose everything. I go with Willow Fox here. LiSe calls it "arbitrary unseemliness." In general the Hexagram 4 is about foolishness in my book. If he can realise his error and pull himself together, as WF is saying he must, then he will enact Hexagram 7, which I read as a legitimate focus. He is all out of focus now, everything is blurry -- especially to you. It's not acceptable to you, quite obviously. And it's generally squandering the benefit of your relationship. He needs to bring this into a "seemly" proportion. Meaning, one relationship with one woman at a time. Get real is the message I see here.

My sources: Wilhelm, LiSe and my own experience.

 

[lucia]

Yes he does still have feelings for her, so you need to bring some order here by telling him to make up his mind, her or you.

sorry, but nowhere in 4.6 do I see any mention of feelings. Although i can probably see how wf arrived at this idea. I see mention of transgressions and how to deal with them but no mention of how another person feels. It is up to you decide if there have been "transgressions" and from your words obviously you are not comfortable with the situation so in that case there are. This doesn't mean he has done anything wrong it just means a line personal to you has been crossed.

So the ching advises you on how to deal with it and suggests:

better to prevent transgressions in the first place by not behaving badly yourself. Be careful how you deal with this in other words.......... As Gene suggests don't get het up about it.

Meanwhile, questions about "feelings" are a bit of a minefield because it becomes difficult to identify who the ching is talking about.

And on a personal note, ha ha! I am friends with, shock horror, the father of my now adult children. When the kids where young (sensitive folk look away....) we used to spend Xmas together - me, him, his wife and all our kids....It was great fun.

At the end of the day it is so often not about other people but about trust and how secure you feel in your relationship. If your sense of security is strong (and that's internal no?) then other people have no bearing on the situation.

Lucia

 

[willowfox]

Line 4.6 is about punishing the fool by instruction, so the fool has indeed done something wrong if he requires disciplining.

Then the answer to the question is yes he still has feelings for the other girl. No, it doesn't mention feelings directly only that he needs to be told off for doing something that is out of order in a civilized relationship, trying to have two girls on the go at he same time.

 

[arabella]

Seriously, I wouldn't now how to feel secure in a relationship with a man who is also in a friendship with another woman. If this is an EX-husband who has a relationship with another woman, and shares children with you, this is a different ball game. If these are all single people who are still searching the horizon for a permanent relationship I think it is, as LiSe's reading says, "unseemly." There must be feelings if he is willing to risk this ongoing relationship with another woman, I think you have to assume so. Unless he is braindead and has no sense of how his present partner is going to respond.

Partnership is the basic element of society. Up until a few years ago when sexuality went totally wild and people expected to have "the partner of the day" nobody would ever have thought this was OK, even expected, as a potential set of social circumstances. Most of literature and music are utterly devoted to the ideal of true love. How can it be true if it is transferrable text message by text message? The man is a dreamer. This isn't how the human heart works.

 

[bepos]

Thank you for all your reply! This has been a pain for a while. We have been together for a year. Most of our fights were because of his ex. We even brokeup for a couple months because of the fights. Now we are back together, still the same! However, I know I wanna be with him, so I don't know what to do about the situation because nothing is gonna change. The only options I have is either to tolerate or to leave.

Anyways, I consulted iching for the same question (if he still has feelings for his ex) again today. I got hexagram 44 with changing line 1 and 3. This time is even worse because the answer is so obvious.

 

[lucia]

Anyways, I consulted iching for the same question (if he still has feelings for his ex) again today. I got hexagram 44 with changing line 1 and 3. This time is even worse because the answer is so obvious.

Is it obviously about your boyfriend's feelings? Or is it obviously talking about your obsession with it? How do you figure what side of the question it is talking about?

Lucia

 

[willowfox]

Anyways, I consulted iching for the same question (if he still has feelings for his ex) again today. I got hexagram 44 with changing line 1 and 3.

The question was obviously about the bf's feelings for another, and like I said before several times, yes he does have feelings for her. Look at the lines, they speak of a young pig "raging" around in a passionate sense, then it speaks about "temptation", the urge to do whatever with his ex.

Then we come to Hex 25 which indicates the guy has departed from innocence because she knows that he is up to something with his ex, so he is guilty and in the end will suffer.