56.1.3>21

[ontheroad]

For years, my oldest son has tried to drive a wedge between my 2 youngest sons and I, but mainly with my son J whom he had some success with.

In the past few months I've started to make tentative progress in rebuilding my relationship with J though we've a way to go yet.
A few weeks ago I sent an email to all 3 boys.
J responded with a loving email in return.
Oldest son sent an email back attacking me and trying to bring me down but it wasn't until a few days later I realised he'd also sent his email to his brothers as well. Not good and not nice. It also means he's attempted to drag them into the long unhappy relationship between the 2 of us.

I'm wondering if his words will again have an impact on my relationship with them.

What impact will his email have on my relationship with J
56.1.3>21
Both lines suggest to me that his email may have damaged the relationship with J.
J has found his own 'space' to be in and has requested he be left alone to sort himself out.

 

[my_key]

Hi ontheroad
That must have been a bit of a shock when you noticed the full circulation list for his email that was attacking you. Not acceptable behaviour, but perhaps understandable in the context of the pain he is still suffering from events of the past

I'm wondering if his words will again have an impact on my relationship with them.

What impact will his email have on my relationship with J
56.1.3>21
Both lines suggest to me that his email may have damaged the relationship with J.
J has found is own 'space' to be in and has requested he be left alone to sort himself out.

Specifically with regard to J it would seem that receiving a copy of that vitriolic email has positioned him directly in front of a situation forcing him to confront it (21). When seen in this context he is faced with yet another ordeal related to his past that he has to find a way to best 'bite through', for him. He is faced with the dilemma again of establishing what is right and what is harmful for him.

To bite through, he has a difficult emotional journey into strange lands to undertake. This will be a hazardous quest to undertake for him, especially as his old safe havens have been burnt down (56.3) and as a consequence he no longer knows where to place his trust: that too has been lost.

He is encouraged by 56 to establish / regain clarity and balance about what is correct (for him) in this situation through considering things carefully from all sides. While he has to find his new safe haven he is caught in vice-like jaws between the old rules ( beliefs / truths) he feels he has to maintain (old habits) along with their associated 'just' punishments (towards himself and others) and the brightness of new relationship in a new land that he was travelling towards before receiving the email. The path he was walking is now in fragments, and well and truly disconnected from the now as he has fallen backwards into the pit of then (56.1) To survive any impending disaster he can only focus on things that are important for him. Anything considered trivial by him, at the moment, is cast aside. Right now all he can focus on is survival.

For this part of his travels he is deeply guided by 28 'Great Exceeding' from where events are directed towards a push over or shake up of what has previously, and perhaps erroneously, been seen as the truths that were feeding his world; nourishing him. He is faced with renovating his strength on many fronts. Deep, deep down, his ridge pole sags and his sole intent is to find a clear and safe direction to take that will best insure his continued survival and, hopefully, healing.

His response to the email, I would agree with you, has brought a new dynamic into J's relationship with you. Whether it is truly damaged remains to be seen! From your side I suspect that your goal and intention for relationship with J remains undamaged and in the long run this will be the magnet that, if he is able to allow himself, will attract J closer.

It is also possible that the new direction he has chosen, into his own space, could be providing a two-fold benefit for him. Both the erecting of a safety fence preventing the intrusion of past conflicts and also providing a quiet safe place - a new haven ( most likely only temporarily) - where he can independently reach a clearer understanding and a growing awareness of how to harvest the most bountiful crop he can from the seeds the email has sown.

... of course there may be other interpretations that you find resonate with you more.

Good Luck

 

[ontheroad]

Thanks my_key. Yes totally unacceptable but unfortunately out of my control.
Something that was meant to help towards understanding the breakdown of our family dynamics of the past has again been thwarted by the oldest child.
I asked in my original email if there's anything they'd like to address with me, that I'm unaware of please let me know. J responded in an emotionally intelligent way saying any issues he has are on him.
Oldest (who is nearly 38) just attacked.

Perhaps though it's a good thing and may help J bite through a few things. Yes you're right, he's sitting in a comfort zone he's been nourishing himself on for a few years now. An unhealthy one, although I never saw it that way until reading what you've said.

 

[my_key]

Thanks my_key. Yes totally unacceptable but unfortunately out of my control.

Yep. The only things we can control are all related directly to us and none to how others choose to act, speak or think.

Something that was meant to help towards understanding the breakdown of our family dynamics of the past has again been thwarted by the oldest child.
I asked in my original email if there's anything they'd like to address with me, that I'm unaware of please let me know. J responded in an emotionally intelligent way saying any issues he has are on him.
Oldest (who is nearly 38) just attacked.

Perhaps you might be able to view his email as addressing with you matters that maybe even he is unaware of in the best / only way that he can. Any deep life wounding(s) whisks away any semblance of emotional intelligence and the only reactive options that remain open to anyone without a developed and robust emotional intelligence are fight, flight, freeze or fawn (flop). These each give a chance for survival in different ways.

It's encouraging to hear that J appears to be able to touch emotional alternatives and to take responsibility for his situation and his healing. No child is responsible for what happens to them in their early life; they are responsible though for engaging in their own recovery and healing. Some choose to, others not to.

Perhaps though it's a good thing and may help J bite through a few things. Yes you're right, he's sitting in a comfort zone he's been nourishing himself on for a few years now. An unhealthy one, although I never saw it that way until reading what you've said.

Comfort zones are nourishing by their nature and also rarely healthy, in the long term. When in them we constantly walk on the edge of stagnation or worse. Safe and unhealthy is better than unsafe and unhealthy. It might be worth considering which your eldest son resides in. Safe underpins and is a natural spring board from which to take the plunge into murky uncomfortable ways that move you beyond your unhealthy comfort zone in a direction towards a more healthy comfort zone.

Maybe I see things in slightly different ways to you because of the work I have done and do now. Both sons reside now in their unique comfort zones and only small independent, self-motivated steps following in the footsteps of their most noble self, their junzi , will overcome their individual obstacles as they each choose how best for them to walk their own path, sojourning from one temporary comfort zone to the next (56 <> 21).

Good luck

 

[ontheroad]

Thanks my_key.
Not sure re the oldest one.
His paternal grandfather was a bully and his father was abusive and our relationship became one of domestic violence which I got away from when he was about 4.
I've seen my oldest bully his wife and abuse his children so I'm not sure any of his are issues are actually related to me.
I can't know unless he tells me.