59.1.6 > 60 Estranged Family and Funeral

[sealedkeyhole]

I asked I Ching “What is the best course of action in dealing with my grandma’s death, her funeral, and my estranged family?”

Some background: I haven’t spoken to my nuclear family in roughly a year. My father has rage issues, and was emotionally and verbally abusive in my childhood. The estrangement came about when I took the bold move of confronting him about his unacceptable abusive behavior, and then halted all communication. Since then, I’ve written him a few letters detailing my specific grievances, to no response. My siblings and mother think I’m overreactive, delusional, lying, etc.

My paternal grandmother died recently, and the funeral is coming up. I have the option of going to the funeral, but this would obviously entail coming into some kind of contact with him. Whether that’s just seeing him, or also speaking. It’s a general risk, with uncertainty about what exactly I’m getting myself into.

I Ching’s hexagrams have usually provided somewhat clear guidance, but this one is simply confusing. I’ve scanned the forums for the same starting and resulting hexagrams 59 > 60, but haven’t found anything super helpful.

 

[thisismybody]

Hi sealedkeyhole,

I feel for you and am sorry for your loss. This is a difficult position to be in. I would go and face my fears. Let them dissolve. I wouldn't avoid such a momentous event, unless that's you're intuition and what you truly want to do. But don't avoid it for the sake of your father.

59.1 - can you seek help? Is there a close friend or family member that is willing to accompany you? Don't go alone, unless you feel you have the strength of a horse to face your family and the emotions of the occasion. Bolster yourself.

59.6 - maybe bad blood departs? Keep a distance perhaps. There's no need for this occasion to bring you harm. Observe it as you would any other funeral. With reverence and whatever feels natural. This line leads me to believe you will come to no harm.

So again, I'd attend. I've heard a few of the more seasoned members say that when lines 1 and 6 change that the hexagram is episodic and over quickly. The funeral for your grandmother will happen once. It will pass like a flash. 60 as relating leads me to think that articulating your boundaries is important.

59 completely dissolved boundaries, like mist, while 60 creates them. The nature of the soul is very 59. 60 is like the body that houses the soul. Or the body (60) dissolves and the soul is released (59). Again, this all speaks to me, go, be strong, face the day. You'll survive it. Protect yourself. Remember your grandmother and then let her go in peace.

However, if you choose not to go, don't worry. There are many ways to honor those who've passed on. Though your family may find fault if you do not attend, do what's right for you. I have personal experience with this, as I did not attend my father's and grandmother's funeral which were a day apart. I was young and read this poem and it gave me solace. I tried memorizing it, but only ended up remembering the first three lines, which is all I needed to remember.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

by Mary Elizabeth Frye

 

[loverofknowledge]

Hi, 59.1 says you will have good fortune by saving the situation with the strength of a horse. Exert an effort, here, and you will prosper. 59.6 speaks of staying away from the bad blood. It will not hurt you.
Relating hexagram 60 advises you to set boundaries, for yourself and in relation to others. Set a boundary: it might be that you'll agree to be cordial and kind to your father, and other family members, but not to engage if they accuse you or stir up animosities. Maybe, if it's appropriate, you could tell somebody you trust, in the family, what your boundaries are. Like: I'm going to attend but I do not wish to xxxxx, whatever xxx is. 60 talks of wise regulations and limits, in order to protect yourself, and to behave correctly.

 

[mirian]

I asked I Ching “What is the best course of action in dealing with my grandma’s death, her funeral, and my estranged family?

59.1 - Go to the funeral with a supportive and sympathetic attitude. Show strength to help others where needed.

59.6 - Leave your fears, anger and resentment behind, avoid confrontation.

With 60 as your relating hexagram, it is emphasising that you keep yourself within the limits of the situation.

In my view, your reading is telling you that this funeral is not the time and place to settle family differences and/or grievances from the past. Rather, it is a moment for your to work positively on all those negative and harmful emotions resulted from your difficult childhood.

 

[rosada]

Dispersion leading to Limitation.

Disperse: Separate, move apart.
Limitation: But not too far apart.

Sounds like the best course of action is to keep a safe distance.

 

[thisismybody]

I've been thinking on what it means to connect. How to join. 59 talks a lot about this. 59.6 talks about rescuing kin, keeping them from an existing danger, or "to find a way out of a danger that is already upon them."

Join, commiserate, connect, share in pain, have compassion, commune, align, fuse, familiarity, solidarity, intimacy. To be in harmony and union, sympathize, consonance, condolence...

With that word, yes, go. Share in their pain. It may unlock a door to your father's heart. Or your family's. You may find more support for having the strength to share in their grief, which is your own. This may bring you together. To commiserate. I hope it works out for you.

GO. GO. GO.