A message from an ex...

[Juniperist]

I was recently visiting the city where my ex lives. He is still in my mind, yet he has moved on and is in a committed relationship with someone else. Though we parted amicably, I decided that seeing him/contacting him would just make me sadder, so I did not. We are in a very unequal state - I still think of him and have not met anyone else that interests me as much; he does not, and he has. We have also not been in contact for 7 months.

Yet, just as I headed back home, he contacted me and that was a surprise. He saw that I was in his city, and was asking me to write to him and telling me what is going on in his life. All very friendly.. (and that somehow gets on my nerves - as his life is going so well and mine not so much).
This confuses me and makes me sad. I miss him a lot. And I dont want to be the bad person, as he has not done anything bad by moving on, it is as it should be. He is also maybe being nice, or maybe just writing to me to feel good about himself. And I dont know what to do with him/his contact.

So I asked:
1) Why did X write to me:
hex. 12.1. to 25

2) What difference will it make if I reply to X?
32. 2. to 62

3) What difference will it make if I NOT reply to X?
40.1. to 54

I realize now that the first question maybe is not a great question and I found it very hard to interpret (so any comments on that?). I have some ideas about the second and the third. To me it looks like whether I write or not does not make much of a difference - there is no fault/remorse in either of them - but does that mean, it just does not matter? Not sure how to interpret 54 and 62 though 54 might be the context.

Can any of you interpret this three together? I can definitely use help on this. Is there a question I should ask/add?
Thanks a lot in advance and best wishes,
J

 

[dancingfox]

Hi Juniperist

First of all, all the feels. I've been there and know how these things can hurt you for far longer then we would like.

Why did he write you: 12.1 to 25
I think divination always works better when you ask a question and see how it applies to you. Asking questions that reflect on yourself, your options and possible actions generally work much more empowering then trying to get into someone elses head.

Perhaps the I Ching is asking you to take closer look at yourself and see what is beneath the surface. There is a lot there to untangle for you. Ask yourself if you really need his presense in your life right now, even if it's just an innocent text, there is probably a lot for you to make peace with and will answering his text really be benificial to your healing process?

Which brings me to your second question: What difference will it make if reply to X? 32.2 to 62
An enduring (32) pattern of small overstepping (62). Do you see a pattern here? How do you usually respond to a situation like this? Right you need a lot of energy, be alert to your surroundings. No time for regrets. To me this says focus on yourself, paying attention to his message might not be your best bet right now. Take care of yourself first, you need your energy for that.

What difference will it make if I NOT reply to X? 40.1. to 54
I read this line as better to let it go. You have no power (54) and not reacting would liberate (40) you from possible trouble.

I hope this helps!

 

[ontheroad]

I'm with dancing fox....things will stay as they are whether you respond or not and it's best to move on.

 

[Juniperist]

Thank you both for your responses.

This is me trying to move on actually - I have been trying it for awhile now and that is why I did not contact him but not replying is hard for me. I dont want to feel like the bad person either - he has not been terrible or anything to me... He has been trying to go on with his life as well (even though his is going so much better than mine). I just dont understand why he is writing to me - probably to feel better about himself?

What could the possible trouble (that dancing fox mentions) in responding be, especially if nothing is going to change ?

 

[breakmov]

Hi Juniperist


another option:

12.1>25: here the answer is just to show your mental state in relation to his unexpected contact attempt...."what is this!?....what does he want!?...should I answer?.....shouldn't answer?.....we are currently in a "stagnant relationship".....should I get into this?!....e.t.c"
-Don't disperse yourself in these doubts, don't get untangled on it. Yi does not "peep" into the minds of others but rather shows a very accurate portrayal of the very person who makes use of it.

32.2>62: "what's the most balanced way to adapt to his invitation?... hold on to the past and pretend this isn't happening?... or let this influence work some kind of change in me. ...perhaps responding to him, even if it's a cautious and unambitious answer,...."flying low"?"

40.1>54: " you want a kind of relief from "all this", but you intend to waste this opportunity, in which you were unexpectedly placed, for that relief to happen(... and only you know what relief this is, but it can open the door to a better future for you)"
(...you know that you are supposed to do something, if it is within your power, to make room for that relief to occur.)


edit:
All your readings have only 1 line of change which seems to me to be a very simple and direct advice in your situation... have you read the resources that this wonderful forum has available in"memorizing-threads" ?


breakmov

 

[rosada]

12.1 Stagnation - 25. Innocence is about not doing anything that would be inappropriate. So it seems either he doesn't feel contacting you is somehow cheating on his current relationship or the I Ching is warning YOU not to do anything you would feel was out of integrity.

What difference will it make to reply? 32.2 - 62 : You aren't confident in your ability to maintain your calm acceptance of the break-up if you reconnect now and doing so may lengthen the time it takes to move on.

What if you don't reply? 40.1 - 54: You will have escaped from a bad situation and can continue on your way without further disruption.

Bottom line:
I see these hexagrams as saying you ought to assume his reaching out to you was Innocent with no hidden agenda but still not really appropriate. If you contact him now even as a friend it will make it harder to let go as a lover. If you don't reply at all you will simply go on your way.

This is all what I think the I Ching is saying but my personal opinion is that if someone has been close and the break up was decent than it seems unkind not to respond. He may be having wistful second thoughts himself even if he is intending to stay with his new friend. Perhaps you could write something back like, "Hi Fred, All good here. I don't feel to continue our friendship but I do wish you and your new partner the best. Take care, ..."

 

[Trojina]

When this thread was posted I read it and just happened to click on a youtube from this guy I've linked to below. He was talking about a similar situation, an ex texting you and what to do. I can't find it however but the gist was if the ex starts saying they miss you etc etc that is still not saying 'I want to get back with you' and so what they are really doing is being inconsiderate. They are making themselves feel better by texting you without considering how painful it might be for you. Moreover they aren't really offering anything. Many women say 'yes but he says he misses me' but the thing is unless he is doing something about that it's just words.

Of course I don't know what your ex might say to you or what he wants but perhaps he's noot being terribly considerate of you.

I have posted one of the guy's videos though it's not connected you might find something more specific...I also find that texting example quite interesting

Now the readings

So I asked:
1) Why did X write to me:
hex. 12.1. to 25

There's stuff going on under the surface, connected roots....and people really don't 'move on' they just move to the next relationship but the previous ones aren't 100% completely eradicated, the roots are still there...unconsciously roots remain, of course they do. Yi says

'Pulling up thatch grass, roots entangled,
With more of its kind.
Constancy, good fortune. Creating success.'

You can see here in this line in particular the very notion of 'clean break' is a fantasy, there's entangled roots. If you have been emotionally and physically involved there are roots. I would say he still feels connected to you which on an astral level he probably is. Doesn't mean he wants to get back with you but there's still issues there.

2) What difference will it make if I reply to X?
32. 2. to 62

What does Yi say

'Regrets vanish.'

There aren't regrets there, it's okay. Think about what that sentence means for you personally. I don't think I could see this as an instruction not to reply. It's a good answer I feel that despite the lingering roots of 12.1 you'd be okay if you answered, you wouldn't feel bad about it. Probably if you decide not to that's okay because Yi is saying you have nothing to regret which is nice.

3) What difference will it make if I NOT reply to X?
40.1. to 54

Yi says

'No mistake.'



So it's pretty clear Yi sees you as a totally free agent, either way is fine, contacting him or not contacting him. And the relating for the 12.1 was 25, the roots are there but they can be disentangled when bought to the surface.

He might want to clear some things up with you perhaps, that's the 12.1 but whether you speak or not and help him out with that leaves you free of blame either way.


So I think this is about his need to clear stuff up not yours.

I think not replying at all to someone you had an amicable split seems a little bit hostile, doesn't seem the best idea to me. But I'm not you and don't know how it is between you. I have the opinion that long term it is more healing to be on reasonable terms with exes, it allows more for one to retain the good things that were between you. However maybe that's not applicable here.

 

[Juniperist]

Thank you all for your interpretations and comments. I find them really useful.
Trojina, I have no expectations from him and I dont think he is writing to me because he has any intentions of rekindling anything - in fact I am not even sure why he is writing but I agree with you and with rosada's interpretation of things - it is inconsiderate. He has never been too considerate of my feelings anyway - and that still shows.
I do also agree with both of you though that it would be rather rude to not reply at all - we have not parted on bad terms.

I'll reply and will have no regrets about it whatever the result (and my expectation is that nothing will change anyway).

 

[Trojina]

Trojina, I have no expectations from him and I dont think he is writing to me because he has any intentions of rekindling anything

You must have misread me as I said nothing at all about him writing to you because he has intentions of rekindling anything

 

[Juniperist]

You must have misread me as I said nothing at all about him writing to you because he has intentions of rekindling anything

Oh no worries, I was just referencing the intro where you talked about that YouTube dating guy who was talking about how "if the ex starts saying they miss you etc etc that is still not saying 'I want to get back with you.'" I meant that I already know he does not want to get back with me - he also did not say he missed me. So really, I have no idea what his email is trying to achieve, beyond being friendly...
Your message made a lot of sense to me. Thanks again.
J