Am I ever going to be happy and free?

[editorneal]

I’m married. Everything is wonderful, she’s constantly saying “I love you” and is pleasant except I feel like I’m under surveillance, we are never physically intimate, my wife spends her hours at home teaching on line, and we live in a hick hellhole in Virginia full of religious zealots, white supremos and ignorant Trumpists, We are planning to leave this summer for a better locale, so that’ll be good. But I’m expecting I won’t have any privacy, same as now. The place we are going to isn’t a social desert like here, so I mig have a chance to have friends, but I’ll probably be surveilled even more heavily. I’ve tried to talk about this but its never any use. I asked Yi if I would ever be happy and free and got 54.1 to 40. This sounds like another resounding “NO!” Second opinion(s) please! Thank you!

 

[rosada]

Hi editorneal,
It’s tricky to interpret this answer. Usually it is not a good idea to ask “yes-or-no” questions because the hexagrams can often be interpreted to mean either one. But let’s be optimistic and see if we can find a “Yes!” in 54.1 - 40.

54.1 - 40.
“Maiden marries as a younger sister.”
“Lame can still walk.”

…You appear to be at the bottom rung in the social pecking order these days. So it seems that in your quest for happiness you are at a disadvantage. However…

“Setting out to bring order: good fortune.”

This leads to 40. Deliverance.

Hilary interprets this to mean, “As you do what you can, those disadvantages lose their power to trap you in ‘I can’t’. You find the freedom to move and create change.”

The references to setting out to bring order and deliverance make me think your upcoming move will be a good thing.

 

[ontheroad]

Hope this helps

 

[The Thunderer]

"would I ever be happy and free"
54.1 to 40

54 being in second place
54.1 invisible to the partner
40 release of tension

The querent is in second place, possibly co-dependent, the partner is busy with other activities, persons or situations which seem to be more important to them.

Its time to be assertive, the querent does not need to put up with this situation and should strive towards personal, specially emotional and social independence asap. This is not about splitting up, this is about making oneself the priority without being rude to the SO.

 

[rosada]

I think the idea that 54.1 is invisible to the partner is a really great insight. So how does one make themselves more visible? The Marrying Maiden does not initiate, she can only respond. So getting 54.1 would imply attracting attention and thus power by being particularly mindful of what one responds to (and 40. what you let go). “Thoughts become things - Pick the good ones.”

 

[Trojina]

The problem as I read it was not that he feels invisible but the opposite, he said he feels 'under surveillance'

I’m married. Everything is wonderful, she’s constantly saying “I love you” and is pleasant except I feel like I’m under surveillance, we are never physically intimate,

I read that he feels under surveillance from the wife unless he meant someone else. If you feel under surveillance that means you feel watched hence not exactly being invisible.

 

[breakmov]

editorneal said:​

... We are planning to leave this summer for a better locale, so that’ll be good. But I’m expecting I won’t have any privacy, same as now.

I think this sentence represents well the basis behind your question.

editorneal said:​

Am I ever going to be happy and free?​

54.1:

" you are going to start a "marriage of convenience" with this new place. It is a change to which "you were dragged by circumstances" and where you do not have much power of choice or decision regarding your privacy, or desire not to be under surveillance.
What to do in a situation like this?
- Adapt to the situation as best you can with the resources you have, hoping that something better ends up happening. "

breakmov

 

[novht1]

The problem as I read it was not that he feels invisible but the opposite, he said he feels 'under surveillance'


I read that he feels under surveillance from the wife unless he meant someone else. If you feel under surveillance that means you feel watched hence not exactly being invisible.

I think it can be a bit of both?

Drawing from my own experience over Thanksgiving: we went to NYC to visit some of my wife's friends. Because I've been really depressed lately and it's been hard for me to interact with people, I asked the Yi Jing how I could get through the holiday in that state: 38.6 > 54, which I took to mean that my wife and I were seeing the trip in very different ways and if I just relaxed a bit and accepted my role as the Marrying Maiden, I'd make it through ok. This pretty much turned out to be the case.

So what did it mean to be the Marrying Maiden? Well, in this case it meant 100% surrendering my will and desire to my wife and our hosts. I had no control over anything for four days: where we went; what we did; what we ate; etc.

So I was seen and indeed my presence was required, but largely in a purely formal way. What was important is that I was there and taking part in things. But I was not seen insofar as my wants and needs (for retreat, for peace, for time alone; whether I even wanted to be there in the first place) were totally invisible (or irrelevant) to everyone.

I tend to agree with those who see 54.1 as containing a bit of hope and promise.

 

[Trojina]

Well on the plus side

I’m married. Everything is wonderful, she’s constantly saying “I love you” and is pleasant

If I take that at face value, and not as sarcasm or anything like that, he has said it's wonderful and she is always saying 'I love you' which I wouldn't say exactly amounts to being invisible. But I don't know since I only have those few words to go on.

editorneal has never come back to this thread anyway

 

[Trojina]

So what did it mean to be the Marrying Maiden? Well, in this case it meant 100% surrendering my will and desire to my wife and our hosts. I had no control over anything for four days: where we went; what we did; what we ate; etc.

Actually that wasn't the main thrust of your answer. Your answer, the advice was 38.6, your answer was not saying you had to surrender your will. 38.6 doesn't say that.

Also as an adult you did have control surely, you didn't have to be there, you were free to go at any time.

 

[novht1]

Also as an adult you did have control surely, you didn't have to be there, you were free to go at any time.

I mean, yes sure. And a marrying maiden could just slip away into the countryside at night and live in the forest if she really wanted to. But in practice, she surrenders her will to the situation.

As a marrying maiden, you have accepted a relationship where you come second. You are only here to play a supporting role; it would be disastrous to try to shape the situation to fit your own needs. You are too junior, not yet ready to exert influence; there is no point in your setting intentions or making plans. All you can do is to feel your way, adapt, and find your place, without originating any action or having any agenda of your own.

 

[Trojina]

Is that Hilary's commentary you are quoting? It's good to know whose words are quoted

My point was you've taken 54 over and above the line you received, 38.6 and this line is where the advice is

'Opposed, alone.
Seeing pigs covered in muck,
Full of ghosts, the one chariot.
At first tensing your bow,
Then relaxing the bow.
Not robbers at all, but matrimonial allies.
Going on meets the rain, and so there is good fortune.'

That line is not primarily saying that you have to surrender your will. It is saying you adjust your vision of those around you. If I got 38.6>54 I would not see the primary advice as 'everything is fine if you surrender your will'. 54 is the relating hexagram here, it's a part of your answer but not the primary advice with one line changing.