dificult relationship with my brother: help interpreting

[deepstillwater]

Hi everyone!
I've been reading posts on this site for some time now and I've really appreciated the new interpretation that everyone has given to my own self reading.
However, I think I need some further clarity.

My brother, youngest brother, has for some time been the cause of pain as he is deliberately rude, mean and holding grudges for the mildest of slights. He is determined to shut the family out of his life.

I ask the I ching, "How should I behave towards my brother" and I got 40 Deliverance, with changing lines .2.4.6, and the hexigram changing to 23 splitting apart.

So there is a major issue with forgiveness, that I should forgive the intentional or unintentional mistakes and give myself clarity. Continue with the task of trying to include my brother in family events (which he agrees to come to and then refuses to at the last min) and slow progress inches ahead... however the hexagram splitting apart.

My own sister confided in me that she fears when our mother dies (years in the future!) our brother will pass out of her life... I actually fear the same thing,

 

[gti112]

I hope this helps a little

Dear deepstillwater, since there are no responses yet from other more experienced members of the forum, I will try my best to give you my point of view on your hexagrams.

The second line refers to a situation where you should put yourself outside this problem for a while. Trying too hard to please your brother not only hurts your current relationship with your brother (due to his strong opposition) but also backfires on your mental health and overall wellbeing. If you feel a burden on your soul with this situation you may nod while you read this.

The fourth line, to me, refers more to your brother than you. With his obscure tactics he has enstranged his family, leaving him with only you trying to help, but to his eyes you belong to the whole (the family) and may be "one of them".

The last line refers to the position of a man working for the general good without interfering too much with their will. He takes his time and waits for the proper time to act on it.--- The hexagram on the original text refers to an inferior man in a higher position who acts as an obstacle to the deliverance, but I stay with Confucius translation on the same text.

Now regarding 23, I am sorry to say I'm lost, too.
Does it refer to your brother? The situation following your deliverance? I seriously don't know and wouldn't like to take a guess on that because of how serious this is for you.
But if that helps please read what Eyler Robert Coates, Sr. in his book "The Wisdom of I Ching" has to say about the hexagram 23, and you may find the answer you are looking for. At least that is what I hope for.

"23: The Decision
THE WAY by which inferior forces overcome those that are superior is not through a direct, frontal assault (which is not likely to succeed against superior strength), but by working gradually and through stealth to wreck the enterprise from within. If this goes unnoticed for long, the superior forces are eventually weakened and collapse upon themselves. When the times are such that inferior men are in ascendancy, it is inadvisable for the superior man to attempt any great work. The problem is to maintain oneself free from injury, and this is best accomplished by recognizing the bad times, remaining quiet, and waiting for a more favorable time to proceed. This suggests no fault in the superior man. In fact, his fault would be to ignore the signs of the times and forge ahead at any cost, regardless of the lack of favorable circumstances to support his effort. But wisdom is not so foolish and unseeing.
Wisdom recognizes that there are times that are not conducive to advancement, and in such times the superior man does not foolishly expend himself when he knows it will do no good. That would be a complete waste of resources, which is not typical of a superior, man. Therefore, he conserves his strength, remains quiet, and waits the development of better opportunities in the future."

May everything turn out well for you eventually even if that is not the situation now.

 

[Trojina]

My brother, youngest brother, has for some time been the cause of pain as he is deliberately rude, mean and holding grudges for the mildest of slights. He is determined to shut the family out of his life.

I ask the I ching, "How should I behave towards my brother" and I got 40 Deliverance, with changing lines .2.4.6, and the hexigram changing to 23 splitting apart.

,

May not sound very nice but i see this as you would be best to let him go...in quite a complete way (23) I agree with the previous poster that I wonder how much harm he does to you that you would actually be better off without a relationship with him at the moment anyway, i don't mean forever, i can't say that.

If he causes you distress perhaps you need release from him, perhaps its time to consider your own needs for a while. There are other ways probably to see the reading but if it were mine I probably wouldn't be looking to hard for ways to put things right but consider letting things go their own way for a while..in other words if he wants to pull away from you let him. With 23 things are breaking down, almost organically and theres not much for you to do IMO other than let the process go enough that the shedding that wants to happen (on his part) can happen.

 

[deepstillwater]

thank you

Thank you so much gti112 and trojan,
I had been mulling over the text for two weeks and kept seeing many different ways of interpreting the lines.

My brother and I have been close. When he was a baby he would speak in this bizarre langage and often only I could understand, I was the translator! When we were growing up too, my brother always had a problem expressing anger in a way that positive (if you understand what I mean) but I would sit with him and we would talk something over and he would be reflective, intelligent, and become more thoughtful. I have always approached my brother gently, and encouraged his thoughts and will, because he has always reacted so strongly to any hint of control or outside guidence. So I can see the wisdom in 40.6.

I've lived quite some way away from the family for years, and so I have not had to experience as much of the direct problems of my brother but even I have experienced some very upsetting, damaging behavior from him. And indeed it makes me very upset to hear what he does to my mother and sister.

So you are right gti112, I need to fully step away from him. He is "cutting off his toes" in order to understand himself or to gain people he can identify with.

I think I understand the meaning of the entire hexigram with " we must not overdo our triumph or push on further than necessary" and "return as soon as possible to the ordinary conditions". Meaning, cruelness by him should be said to him when it happens (as in That was not very nice) but no further incriminations. The constant trying to please my brother, which initally I thought was demonstrating support and consideration for him, I now agree has left us quite open to further hurt. But perhaps even this is too much, there must be no contact at all from me.

He has recently announced his plans to move overseas, which I can see would be part of the 23... the entire splitting. He would then be completely removed and there would be no hint of involvement from him with the family any more.

But there is some hope from 23, that to wait (knowing that the time is not right) patiently and without foolishly opening myself up to more hurt might mean a reconciliation. Perhaps, and I hope.
Thank you

 

[gti112]

Something more.

May I say sth from personal experiences, aside the hexagrams?
Although I don't live the situation, if you are a generous, giving person you may have spoiled some persons with your constant attention, some may not even deserve it.
If the time your brother will take alone benefits him will surely show up soon. Most people tend to respect those that cared for them, more, after a 2 months maximum time away from them. But that off course greatly depends on the age of your brother.
You will choose the best way to handle this situation but may I say that very rarely a complete detachment from some people is needed.
I hope I didn't mix things up for you with my comments.
Keep communicating regarding this topic if you feel so. I will be around to care and read.
Best Regards

 

[ginnie]

Hopefully he'll understand one day that his meanness really hurts other people. Only your brother can make the decision to change his behavior for the better. Best to let the whole issue go, therefore, especially since he went away.