Friendship 53.3>20

[ontheroad]

A couple of years ago I met a woman I became friends with.
When I first met her I didn't particularly like her but she persisted in trying to become friends with me and one day she did something that made me change my mind about her and we've been building a friendship ever since.
Having said that, she is hard work to be around, although sometimes it's a very easy friendship.
I guess in the bigger picture she is someone that you manage at times, and pick and choose how you interact with her.
Last time I saw her just before Christmas she was quite bichy but I just put it down to her being tired as it was the end of the year and close to Christmas.
I expected to hear from her just after Christmas as I knew she was quite busy prior to that and she'd said she would before she went back to work on the 9th January.
However I didn't, so I sent her a text message saying Happy New Year and whilst she was reciprocated with a text in the same vein I didn't hear from her again.
A few days later I ran into her at the local shops as we actually only live 5 minutes from each other at this point in time and she was extremely standoffish. Our conversation was that of strangers and she walked away saying see you around!!
She was the person that encouraged me to come back to this area and house sit/live as she knew I loved the area and she was near tears when I had to leave the area suddenly a few months ago.

I'm disappointed but not devastated about her behaviour and sure I could ask her but I don't have the interest and I think I might say exactly what I think about her.....doesn't sound good does it??!!

I know her family also feel like I do although obviously they Love her because she's their mother and wife and even though they've told her how painful she is she doesn't 'hear' them.

What doI need to know about this friendship

53.3>20

Just seems to me the relationship broke down somehow and neither of us can be bothered repairing it.

 

[Trojina]

You need to know this about the friendship

'The wild geese gradually advance to the high plateau.
The husband marches out and does not return;
The wife is pregnant, but does not raise the child;
Pitfall.
Harvest in resisting outlaws.'

You are being warned about 'not bothering' the line is about the dangers of not bothering.

It could be a description of her behaviour - look at the line, no one is keeping their part of the deal and with everyone walking out and abandoning their duty to one another outlaws can easily take advantage.

Outlaws can be the temptation to disrespect or disregard another's person or property, and Yi is saying resist that kind of thinking. I think it here for you it would be resist bad thoughts about her.

At this point don't give up on it but honour the friendship you had. I don't mean grovel after her especially if she's being so unpleasant but also don't fall prey to bad feelings that jeopardise all the good that is potentially still there. This could just be some kind of weird blip.

 

[ontheroad]

Thanks Trojina.
Part of the reason I'm not impressed - she did this last time I returned....our friendship was building, even when I was travelling, we'd have almost weekly phone calls.
I turned up to her place to surprise her (although she knew I was coming back she didn't know when) and although she was welcoming enough there was something missing in that.
I didn't hear from her for the next 6 weeks.
I decided to let it go when she told me she'd been stressed about something and things went back to normal and the friendship grew.
The sad part is, her stresses come from her need to control everybody and situations.
When nobody listens - which is frequently- she just gets mad and stresses about it.
That's what I think happens between us.
When we first met, that's what I didn't like.
There's no way, by any stretch, that she could even begin to understand my life and when someone tries to tell me how to 'sort myself out'.......
I told her not to try to intervene on something she knows nothing about or understands.
Sometimes she still does but I shut it down.
When I saw her before Christmas she started carrying on like that again and I tried to shut it down, she just got bichy and made it obvious it was time for me to leave! So I did shortly after that, alhough as far as I knew there wasn't any sourness as we'd retrieved the conversation back to even ground.
Obviously not from her pov.

ie. A few months ago she rang me. Although I could see her ringing I knew once I answered the phone it would be a patchy call at best because the reception was so bad where I was housesitting and decided to text and sort out another time to speak. She didn't believe me and got cross until she came to my house and saw for herself.

 

[Lena Loren]

I think you should avoid conflict with her at all costs. There is a risk for a conflict. You dont want that. Stay low.

 

[ontheroad]

I think you should avoid conflict with her at all costs. There is a risk for a conflict. You dont want that. Stay low.

Thank you. Yes it's why I don't bother trying to respond except shut down conversations that could end in conflict.

 

[ontheroad]

She sent a message wanting to come over for a cuppa after work, but I just can't be bothered with her at the moment.

 

[Trojina]

Frustrating because that really isn't what Yi is advising you to do at all.

If you already decided what your attitude to her was going to be why consult Yi? I mean we all do, consult when we already made our minds up it but I have to point out I do not agree with Lena as this line, if you read it does not say 'stay low' and it cannot be made to say that by any stretch of the imagination.

It says

I The wild geese gradually advance to the high plateau.
The husband marches out and does not return;
The wife is pregnant, but does not raise the child;
Pitfall.
Harvest in resisting outlaws.'

It's telling you of the dangers of not being bothered, of not sticking around through good times and bad. There's potential in the pregnancy but it's not nurtured, the husband leaves because he feels like it, no one is bothering. It says to resist outlaws but you have decided to let them in which is to give in to distrust.

Yes it's why I don't bother trying to respond except shut down conversations that could end in conflict.

That's an error in understanding of the answer as it does not 'this will end in conflict' and it most certainly does not mean 'lie low'. If it did it would say that and it doesn't. I mean we have to look at what the I Ching says. There isn't anything about conflict here it's actually about neglect.

How can the remedy for neglect be 'lie low' it just can't it's more like 'step up'.

Now she may well have neglected you but if when she returns to you and makes an offer to visit and you neglect her back then you have not resisted outlaws you've let them in.

53 overall is gradual development towards fulfilment but line 3 is the danger point where people abandon relationships and neglect responsibilities.

The reason you refused her a cup of tea is because she said 'see you around' the other day and you had a distant conversation and that weighs more than all the good bits?

It's your choice to turn her down here but be clear if you are it's not what the I Ching is saying at all.

And you may be right long term it's not going to work but right now Yi isn't telling you to walk away.

 

[ontheroad]

Yes I understand that.
I'm still processing, I think, because it's the second time it's happened.
Coupled with starting a new job and my migraines flaring up again this friendship's dysfunction isn't my priority.
I haven't given up on it, yet, I'm just trying to figure out how to move forward with it.
Today wasn't the day.

 

[Lena Loren]

Frustrating because that really isn't what Yi is advising you to do at all.

If you already decided what your attitude to her was going to be why consult Yi? I mean we all do, consult when we already made our minds up it but I have to point out I do not agree with Lena as this line, if you read it does not say 'stay low' and it cannot be made to say that by any stretch of the imagination.

It says



It's telling you of the dangers of not being bothered, of not sticking around through good times and bad. There's potential in the pregnancy but it's not nurtured, the husband leaves because he feels like it, no one is bothering. It says to resist outlaws but you have decided to let them in which is to give in to distrust.

That's an error in understanding of the answer as it does not 'this will end in conflict' and it most certainly does not mean 'lie low'. If it did it would say that and it doesn't. I mean we have to look at what the I Ching says. There isn't anything about conflict here it's actually about neglect.

How can the remedy for neglect be 'lie low' it just can't it's more like 'step up'.

Now she may well have neglected you but if when she returns to you and makes an offer to visit and you neglect her back then you have not resisted outlaws you've let them in.

53 overall is gradual development towards fulfilment but line 3 is the danger point where people abandon relationships and neglect responsibilities.

The reason you refused her a cup of tea is because she said 'see you around' the other day and you had a distant conversation and that weighs more than all the good bits?

It's your choice to turn her down here but be clear if you are it's not what the I Ching is saying at all.

And you may be right long term it's not going to work but right now Yi isn't telling you to walk away.

I personally think the interpretation should be more about the querier alone not so much about the other person here. In my experience I Ching often adress the inner work more than external.

I think she, the querier is the one climing upward (ascending spiritual/individuation/lifes journey ) and she came to a station that she need to ponder on (as she does). Her inner man and inner woman are in some kind of conflict and this needs to be adressed. The friend here show up as a challenge (a lesson) the inner man is violent and doesn't know that his job is to protect and not put the self att risk by go in to fight.
The woman shall nurture and... maybe give birth projects in the the persons own life?
De hexagram 20 for me has to do with detachment and solitude to get perspecive. If she start to argue ("work things out" ) with this friend she might get too much on her lap that it will exhaust her and give her migraine. She need to nuture her self first of all and and protect her energy. Thats how I see it.

 

[ontheroad]

Thank you Lena Loren - your interpretation also makes a lot of sense to me.

All in all both members interpretations here are within the realm of what's going on for me.

I've still made no decision or move towards this friendship ending or continuing as I just don't know how I feel.
I'm leaning towards it ending by itself, unless something happens to change the dynamics.
No negative thoughts about her behaviour, more that it's not what fits in for a relationship to work for me generally speaking.

 

[ontheroad]

I've made the decision not to continue with this friendship.....it's been nearly 3 weeks since I asked my question and a few more since I started contemplating whether this friendship was something I wanted to continue in my life.

Because she has asked the question why I don't want to continue I'm wondering if there's any point in telling her.....18.2>52

Best to not say anything as emotions are high.

 

[ontheroad]

I've been getting Hex 18, in some capacity, a lot lately.
Possibly because I'm changing my behaviours so I'm rectifying things in me.

This one 18.2>52 - from Lise
9 at 2: Stem-mother's decay. No divination possible.
Do not answer to demands which go against your sense of righteousness, beauty or love, even if they are commonly accepted as being good and nice. Many 'nice' gestures are demeaning for the recipient, taking away his strength or self-confidence.
(Changes to hex.52) Mirror

Makes perfect sense for me NOT to have tried explaining.