Hiding my inner light 41.1.2.3>52

[kafuka]

Hello, more boyfriend reading...

For how long will I need to hide my “inner light”? I got 41.1.2.3>52.
I understand the lines to some extent but not at all in the context of my question – for how long?

Just to make things more clear, this is an additional reading after I asked
What can I do so my bf would understand this relationship is not going to work? and received 36.5.
I understand that 36.5 suggests to be careful, one has to hide who they really are, they are not allowed to let their light shine. To bide one's time and persist is advantageous.

Hilary writes: There will come a time when the inner light can be manifest in the outside world. Meanwhile it is important not to be discouraged by how little power you appear to have.
It sounds kind of promising but quite tough to be in the current position, feeling trapped and unable to be myself. I learned from Huang's book that Ji Zi pretended insanity to avoid being killed or betray the king by going into exile. I feel like if I don't do anything I could get insane for real. Ugh.

Does anyone have any ideas about this? Thanks.

 

[pocossin]

For how long will I need to hide my “inner light”?
41.1.2.3 > 52

Until your instinctual expression (41) settles on a fixed course (52). Your uncertainty about a course of life continues to give your boyfriend hope that you will stay with him.

 

[Trojina]

Just to make things more clear, this is an additional reading after I asked
What can I do so my bf would understand this relationship is not going to work? and received 36.5.
I understand that 36.5 suggests to be careful, one has to hide who they really are, they are not allowed to let their light shine. To bide one's time and persist is advantageous.

My immediate thought is Yi has approached this from another angle...I think he understands perfectly well and is pretending he doesn't. That is I think he may be the Prince in 36.5. You see you asked Yi what you could do to make him understand but if he already understands really then there is nothing further that you can do except realise he isn't playing straight with you.

Afterall it isn't difficult for anyone to understand ...so why doesn't he ? He does I think but perhaps he finds benefit in pretending, even to himself that he doesn't ? It's called 'denial'. Perhaps he finds it too painful to admit to himself it is over and perhaps the more time you spend talking to him trying to make him understand the more attention he gets...which is better than nothing from his POV.

Perhaps here actions speak louder than words. Once you have told him you think there's no future don't agree to spending more time talking about it. If you do you may give mixed messages. At some point if you really think it's over you have to demonstrate it by with drawing.

OTOH if the prince in 36.5 is you it may be asking if you deceive yourself in some way. Do you really want it to be over ?


I haven't followed your other threads so there may be a lot of back story I'm missing here.

For how long will I need to hide my “inner light”? I got 41.1.2.3>52.
I understand the lines to some extent but not at all in the context of my question – for how long?

I don't think you do need to hide your inner light.....chill (52) Don't allow him to disturb your equilibrium ...and don't be pulled in to dramas he makes. BTW I find 41.1 is often quite abrupt...Someone just doesn't have the time for this. Is that you ? The 41 may be suggesting you give him less time and energy. Afterall more from you won't help him come to terms with losing you, he has to do that by himself. So try to disengage. I think you may need to as maybe someone else is coming along (41.3)

Again if this doesn't fit your situation then adapt it as I haven't read the back story.


Are you completely sure it is over with him though ?

 

[kafuka]

Thank you, pocossin and Trojina, your insights were helpful. :bows:
Yes, I think he's in denial, not believing I'm gay. Besides, it seems he thinks it's just high level of testosterone that causes a woman want to be with another woman. It's frustrating because it makes him believe there's a cure. I tried to explain but he refuses to understand. I'm not angry with him though because even for me it wasn't easy to accept myself and it took me a year; and I still don't feel 100% comfortable about it. :bag:
I came out to him in August and we decided to give the relationship a try. I felt like after so many years together he deserves from me at least to try, maybe I agreed mainly out of guilt, but it's not working for me. He's a wonderful man and a friend, we spend nice time together talking, going out, having dinner and stuff but then he puts his hand on my thigh and I freeze... So yes, considering all the circumstances I want the relationship to be over. He's my best friend though and I cannot imagine him to disappear from my life for good. It's hard for me to find the proper line between friendship and relationship so I think my actions really may give him hope that I'll stay with him.

 

[blue_angel]

The reading for 41>52 seems to suggest you decrease how much you give to him or allow to happen with him. Advice is not to decrease yourself, your own dignity, beliefs, and principles. A relationship between 3 is not possible. So a clean break needs to happen. This way he can and will move on to someone new and you too can move on to someone new. If he can respect that you are indeed gay and there is no "cure" it just is, then perhaps you can remain friends. But if he can not respect and accept this, the loss will be healthier for the both of you in the long run. And who knows, perhaps the friendship will continue at a later time.

However, your advice in 36.5 seems you should not struggle in trying to convince him, Because he can not be convinced. Just do what you must, break it off, and live your life according to what is right for you. So yes I agree. Action speaks louder than words.

Best wishes on your journey

 

[ginnie]

You came out to him in August and still he has not let you go. That's the crazy-making situation. In giving you 36.5, I think Yi is saying to play along for just a while longer. Sooner or later you will get the opportunity to leave and reclaim yourself, but right now is not the best time for that, maybe because you are just not strong enough yet inside yourself.

 

[kafuka]

Thank you, ginnie and blue_angel for you nice posts. :bows:
Yesterday I asked again What if I make a profile on a dating site? and got 17.1.3>31.
What a nice reading. I think I'm finally ready to make that step.
Surprisingly, my bf wouldn't see me being with a woman as cheating, moreover I have permission to experiment. And maybe that the 41.3 line is crucial for him to understand?!!
As you said, and I agree, action speaks louder than words.