Husband and porn

[sunnygirl]

I am newly married and have discovered my husband watching what seems to be a lot of porn online.

I asked the yi if I should be concerned about it.

The answer is 32 no changing lines

I am taking that as a no, not to be concerned about it.

 

[willowfox]

If you are concerned about it, then continue to be concerned about it as his interest in porn will not wane.

 

[tigerintheboat]

Yes No Questions

I am newly married and have discovered my husband watching what seems to be a lot of porn online.

I asked the yi if I should be concerned about it.

The answer is 32 no changing lines

I am taking that as a no, not to be concerned about it.

One of the problems with asking questions "yes-no" questions is that the answer can be hard to interpret, since Yi doesn't answer yes or no, but comments on the facts and the processes involved.

So it is hard to know, is Yi saying that your husband will persevere and nothing you can do about it, or you should persevere and continue in what is right action on your part. Of course, it is not clear here what is right action. Men wanting to look at women is not necessarily wrong... and it does not necessarily bode poorly for your marriage.

Since the questions and the answers are free, why not ask instead "Comment on the effect my husband's watching pornography will have on my marriage." Or "Please tell me any action I should take with regard to my husband's watching pornography."

Those answers wlll be easier to interpret. Then post again for help.

Tiger

 

[willowfox]

For once I have to agree, that simple, straightforward, yes/no type questions are easily answered using the IC, afterall, the IC is very basic in itself, yin/yang.

What I disagree with is the OP's suggestion that you need to ask two questions, you only need to ask the one, that will give you all the information that you need.

 

[sunnygirl]

Thanks everyone. :bows:
I do think the IC can be great for yes/no answers.

I checked his cache to see when he was looking and how often and it was only a couple times a week so a total non issue. I guess I was worried he was doing it every day.

 

[willowfox]

Not if both options are favourable.

You're not just disagreeing with me, by the way, but with all of the diviners and kings of the Shang dynasty and early Zhou. But feel free to have your own opinion.

So, if I ask about going somewhere or doing something that is surely the only answer that I need because I already know what happens if I don't go or do something, I just stay home and watch the TV.

Make sense to you, probably not.

 

[willowfox]

I checked his cache to see when he was looking and how often and it was only a couple times a week so a total non issue. I guess I was worried he was doing it every day.

And how will feel when he does watch it everyday?

 

[meng]

For a different perspective, 32 depicts a steady, vibrant, self-renewing, self-sustaining relationship between a husband and wife. Both parties need to be mature enough to intelligently navigate each other's passions. Actually, the lack of passion is probably the real issue. 32 is a steady but passionate hexagram, with thunder and wind stirring up one another.

 

[sunnygirl]

I really didn't want to revisit this issue but it is just staring me right in the face!

I found that he is doing it a lot and I mean almost every day. We have had sex 2x in the past week and a half.

I had it out with him confronting him about it a couple of days ago. He had nothing to say about it.

I asked the yi why is he looking at porn so much?

21.2.4 to 41

I am at a loss with 21 this time. Is he doing it to spite me?

I asked if he was going to stop doing it so much
I got

54.1 to 40

I take this as he will stop doing it.

 

[meng]

I asked the yi why is he looking at porn so much?

21.2.4 to 41

I am at a loss with 21 this time. Is he doing it to spite me?

No, I don't think so. To me it looks like a habit he has difficult breaking. I don't like using the word addiction loosely, but it may have reached that level. The reduction of passion (41) here looks like his reason.

Imo, sounds like you both could benefit from consulting a qualified therapist. That energy should find a happy place between you both, not flying solo. I see the same idea in 54.1-40. It gives the impression that sex is considered a duty to the maiden, in order to release tension. It ought to be and mean more than that for both.

 

[kitty]

Imo, sounds like you both could benefit from consulting a qualified therapist. That energy should find a happy place between you both, not flying solo. I see the same idea in 54.1-40. It gives the impression that sex is considered a duty to the maiden, in order to release tension. It ought to be and mean more than that for both.

Yes, this was my impression as well.

On the one hand, men do like to look at women (and porn), and their female partners often take it personally when it really isn't. On the other hand, something sounds out of balance in this situation. Perhaps it has to do with the change in status due to becoming married, or perhaps there's something else going on with him that he hasn't been willing to look at or share with you.

In any event, 21.2.4 to 41 and 54.1 to 40 say to me that a change in his behavior is possible, but that he needs to be given a reason to do so. To get him to that point, you may have to be pushy on a consistent basis until it's resolved. (Maybe that's what the 'duration' in your original reading was about). And "resolved" means from a relationship standpoint, what's best for the partnership, not just either of you individually. A relationship therapist or counselor could be of great assistance with this.

 

[willowfox]

And how will feel when he does watch it everyday?

Perhaps this is a case of told you so.

 

[willowfox]

I asked the yi why is he looking at porn so much?

21.2.4 to 41

It shows that he likes watching porn and it would seem that he always has.

I asked if he was going to stop doing it so much 54.1 to 40

Its suggests no, but he will probably just do it more discreetly, when you are not around.

Edited to add that a therapist or whoever will not change or alter his behaviour. Does drug therapy work, no!

 

[sunnygirl]

Perhaps this is a case of told you so.

More like I wanted to believe in and trust my husband

 

[sunnygirl]

I asked the yi why is he looking at porn so much?

21.2.4 to 41

It shows that he likes watching porn and it would seem that he always has.

I asked if he was going to stop doing it so much 54.1 to 40

Its suggests no, but he will probably just do it more discreetly, when you are not around.

Edited to add that a therapist or whoever will not change or alter his behaviour. Does drug therapy work, no!

So I am doomed to a sexless marriage as he prefers the porn to me.

I don't think I can handle knowing he is wankig to porn all the time and we only have sex a couple time a month.

 

[bamboo]

you are not doomed to a sexless marriage. if he doesnt want to work on this issue with you, then you must leave the marriage. dont wait until children complicate the issue. dont do that to yourself.

 

[deedeebird]

So I am doomed to a sexless marriage as he prefers the porn to me.

I don't think I can handle knowing he is wankig to porn all the time and we only have sex a couple time a month.

There's a simple solution, and it doesn't involve leaving your marriage or getting counseling. Are you willing to watch porn with him while you're doing the nasty? Or just have it be in the background without you paying it much heed? Have you ever had sex with porn on? He'll probably treat you like royalty if you can not only accept his little habit, but also join in.

No one has to know you do it, if that's the problem. Don't tell anyone and don't feel guilty--you and your husband are the only ones who have to know, and that's what builds intimacy. Next time you bust him, instead of asking him what he's doing, ask him what he's doing without you.

 

[sunnygirl]

No it isn't that. I would gladly join in but HE doesn't want me to. He prefers to fly solo.

My issue is not with him looking so much as he prefers it over me and I am being left out.

 

[deedeebird]

No it isn't that. I would gladly join in but HE doesn't want me to. He prefers to fly solo.

My issue is not with him looking so much as he prefers it over me and I am being left out.

So you have offered to join, but he has said, No thanks, Wife?

First, you should kick his @$$.

Next, I would ask the Yi a number of questions about what options you have in order to keep the marriage a happy one, and then pose them here. People on this forum can help you come to terms with your best course of action.

Wishing you luck and insight.

 

[sunnygirl]

So you have offered to join, but he has said, No thanks, Wife?

First, you should kick his @$$.

Next, I would ask the Yi a number of questions about what options you have in order to keep the marriage a happy one, and then pose them here. People on this forum can help you come to terms with your best course of action.

Wishing you luck and insight.

Yeah he needs a swat with the clue by 4!

I have watched with him before, role play etc and he prefers wanking to me. It definitely is not me being unwilling at all.

Can you help me formulate some questions to ask the yi and I will meditate a bit and ask them?

 

[bradford]

No it isn't that. I would gladly join in but HE doesn't want me to. He prefers to fly solo.
My issue is not with him looking so much as he prefers it over me and I am being left out.

I think I would have seconded Deedeebird's advice to incorporate this activity, until I saw what you wrote here. That fits well with 32, to do what Castaneda calls "using all the event", and play and pictures can be a lot of fun. Also, I don't see anything inherently wrong with visually enhanced Mahasturbhata Yoga. That's not necessarily a personal affront to the spouse. But this is different. This is an illness.I think it may be time to start insisting on counseling or else to start getting emotionally prepared to end the marriage.

 

[deedeebird]

Yeah he needs a swat with the clue by 4!

I have watched with him before, role play etc and he prefers wanking to me. It definitely is not me being unwilling at all.

Can you help me formulate some questions to ask the yi and I will meditate a bit and ask them?

Sure.

So here is what I would do. I would start with only one question because once you get the answer to it sorted out, you will probably have follow-up questions emerge from it. (This also keeps you from getting confused too early in the questioning process.) Also, keep in mind that this is what I would ask, but you might want to modify it or, if something really stands out as what you would like to know, by all means that is what you should ask instead. I like this one, though, because it allows you to control what you can while allowing for those factors you cannot:

Q: What steps should I take to make myself happy in this marriage?

Once you have worked through the answer and gotten feedback, depending on how you feel about it then, you might want to ask questions relating to leaving the marriage, but I would personally wait until later for that. After all, you are newly married, and I'm sure ending it is about the last thing you want to consider just yet nor, in my opinion, should you. It seems too soon, but only you can be the judge.

The Yi aside, I have to wonder why he wanted to get married in the first place? And/or whether you were having more frequent yum-yum when you were only dating? There are a number of things I would want to know so, in addition to your own work with the IC, I would definitely hit him up directly with an array of questions if you haven't already. Just remember that your goal is to obtain information, so you will need to remain somewhat calm and detached or he will just run away and wankaway in the bathroom.

Sending you a whole lotta lotta backboneompom:

 

[sunnygirl]

Thank you. :bows: I applied some Reiki to this too and asked the question

What steps should I take to make myself happy in this marriage?

Answer

23.3.4.5.6 to 31

I am looking at this as a sequence of events
Basically cut my losses and get out and in the end I will find what I'm looking for elsewhere.

 

[deedeebird]

Thank you. :bows: I applied some Reiki to this too and asked the question

What steps should I take to make myself happy in this marriage?

Answer

23.3.4.5.6 to 31

I am looking at this as a sequence of events
Basically cut my losses and get out and in the end I will find what I'm looking for elsewhere.

I can see that, and props to you for being so willing to face that, but I'm curious to think what others with a knack for interpreting will say. I did realize, when I formed the question, that the answer might say there are no steps to take to remain happy IN the marriage.

 

[sunnygirl]

I can see that, and props to you for being so willing to face that, but I'm curious to think what others with a knack for interpreting will say. I did realize, when I formed the question, that the answer might say there are no steps to take to remain happy IN the marriage.

Exactly, there may be no steps.

I guess I could see it as a stripping away of old views and doing the inner work too which right now I don't see what that could be.

Also curious to see what our veterans here have to say.

 

[deedeebird]

Yes, this was my impression as well.

On the one hand, men do like to look at women (and porn), and their female partners often take it personally when it really isn't. On the other hand, something sounds out of balance in this situation. Perhaps it has to do with the change in status due to becoming married, or perhaps there's something else going on with him that he hasn't been willing to look at or share with you.

In any event, 21.2.4 to 41 and 54.1 to 40 say to me that a change in his behavior is possible, but that he needs to be given a reason to do so. To get him to that point, you may have to be pushy on a consistent basis until it's resolved. (Maybe that's what the 'duration' in your original reading was about). And "resolved" means from a relationship standpoint, what's best for the partnership, not just either of you individually. A relationship therapist or counselor could be of great assistance with this.

Review the above, does it ring true? Do you think a change is possible given that you initially got 32? You asked if you should be worried, and you got 32. That seems pretty significant to me. You didn't get 51. You didn't get 49.

So maybe another take on your reading is that if you leave him, and if he really loves you (splitting apart reveals the seed...in a relationship the seed is whatever bond brought you together, hopefully love), it might be the one thing that gets him to change--an influence (hex 31), a mutual attraction that remains in the end.

Unfortunately, the other problem with the situation beyond the fact that you're not gettin' any is that he lied to you. What kind of marriage is that.

 

[willowfox]

What steps should I take to make myself happy in this marriage?

23.3.4.5.6 to 31

Line 23.3, says you are currently in a very nasty situation by marriage and of course arguments are going to ensue.
Line 23.4 says the problem involves your sexual needs, and thus not getting what you want.
Line 25.5 suggests that you have to do something to draw his attention away from the screen and on to you.
Line 23.6 suggests that something positive can be achieved sooner or later, there is a spark in him that wants physical sex with a partner, you just need to make "it" grow when you are around. So lend a hand, and throw the computer out the window. It says that you need to control him.

Hex 31 is about attraction, so maybe there is a need for you to dress up in your French maids outfit or something even more revealing and naughty.

This is what your answer suggests about this marriage.

 

[meng]

Also curious to see what our veterans here have to say.

I'd say, take all the advise here and on other online forums with a grain of salt, and learn how to openly communicate with your spouse. The reason I suggested a good councilor is not that they have magic solutions, but that it's often very difficult for a husband and wife to objectively sort this kind of thing out without an objective intermediary, who helps the couple find ways to relax their defenses and open up to each other.

 

[meng]

23 strips the outer to discover the inner. That's the purpose of effective marital counseling.

 

[willowfox]

I'd say, take all the advise here and on other online forums with a grain of salt,

So why even bother to post a question here, why even bother to have this forum if everyone considers all the advice given here is hogwash?