Clarity,
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Hello again Everyone 
I would appreciate your insight about my two readings which are connected to each other. Here is the issue in brief.
For almost all of my life I struggle with issues concerning my mother (whom i love deeply) and our relation. Briefly: she is a narcissic person and that causes a lot of problem between us. I've been in a therapy process for over 5 years which helped me a lot in working out our relationship so that now it is quite correct, sometimes (but rarely) I could even call it close, at least as far as she allows me to see herself. However I still miss some essential feelings from her side, I'm aware of that she doesn't see me as truly I'm and I'm not sure if she loves me. It is difficult for me jut to get over that issue, to stop analysing it - I'm 42! It is about time to concentrate on my own life and make other bonds, I think. But from the other side I'm not definitely healed, it is too painful for a child inside myself to face that she is not loved as she is if at all. Intelectually I absolutely understand and accept that but emotionally sometimes I still have my downs in relation to it. For two last days I struggle with a lower mood, partly caused by the fear of definitely cutting off the umbilical cord and of separation with my mother (I started to plan to find a job abroad - for different reasons, not related to her). It made me really scared yesterday, not that much as always, but still the idea of living far from her makes me scared. I asked Iching: "why I've been crying a lot, I've been scared that much and I've been feeling that lonely for these two days". I received: 22.1.6-15. I interpret is as peeling off unnecessary layers of myself, self-defense mechanism, ego needs, which leads to integrity (15) understood as me unadorned self and being ok with that. I already know that the whole process is scary and simply can make me cry. It could also be, as far as I understand, about the inner value and understanding that I have a value (which is the biggest deal when having a narcisstic mother) which may lead to a state of balance = being healed. The problem is that I don't know how to do it, to belive in my value, to feel that deeply. So I followed and asekd again: "how I can help to that hurt part of me that scared and feeling lonely". I received: 19.4.5-58. I have difficulties in understanding it. I can see that I need to be open-minded in my approach and find the best solutions to do it. I can imagine that I should accept this part the way it is and support it as many times as needed, with patience, which I see as allowing myself to feel those feeling, to be scared, to cry + accept my mother just the way she is = do not seek more that she has to give. But it is very hard - sometimes I just need her love and tenderness but I can see that she is not capable of giving it to anyone. So I should be careful, keep my safe distance just not to allow to hurt my feelings which excludes asking her for tenderness. Is it possible to bring together these two attitudes? How to give love to myself to heal from that?
Do you have any ideas how to look at these readings from a different angle?
I will appreciate it
Luljana
I would appreciate your insight about my two readings which are connected to each other. Here is the issue in brief.
For almost all of my life I struggle with issues concerning my mother (whom i love deeply) and our relation. Briefly: she is a narcissic person and that causes a lot of problem between us. I've been in a therapy process for over 5 years which helped me a lot in working out our relationship so that now it is quite correct, sometimes (but rarely) I could even call it close, at least as far as she allows me to see herself. However I still miss some essential feelings from her side, I'm aware of that she doesn't see me as truly I'm and I'm not sure if she loves me. It is difficult for me jut to get over that issue, to stop analysing it - I'm 42! It is about time to concentrate on my own life and make other bonds, I think. But from the other side I'm not definitely healed, it is too painful for a child inside myself to face that she is not loved as she is if at all. Intelectually I absolutely understand and accept that but emotionally sometimes I still have my downs in relation to it. For two last days I struggle with a lower mood, partly caused by the fear of definitely cutting off the umbilical cord and of separation with my mother (I started to plan to find a job abroad - for different reasons, not related to her). It made me really scared yesterday, not that much as always, but still the idea of living far from her makes me scared. I asked Iching: "why I've been crying a lot, I've been scared that much and I've been feeling that lonely for these two days". I received: 22.1.6-15. I interpret is as peeling off unnecessary layers of myself, self-defense mechanism, ego needs, which leads to integrity (15) understood as me unadorned self and being ok with that. I already know that the whole process is scary and simply can make me cry. It could also be, as far as I understand, about the inner value and understanding that I have a value (which is the biggest deal when having a narcisstic mother) which may lead to a state of balance = being healed. The problem is that I don't know how to do it, to belive in my value, to feel that deeply. So I followed and asekd again: "how I can help to that hurt part of me that scared and feeling lonely". I received: 19.4.5-58. I have difficulties in understanding it. I can see that I need to be open-minded in my approach and find the best solutions to do it. I can imagine that I should accept this part the way it is and support it as many times as needed, with patience, which I see as allowing myself to feel those feeling, to be scared, to cry + accept my mother just the way she is = do not seek more that she has to give. But it is very hard - sometimes I just need her love and tenderness but I can see that she is not capable of giving it to anyone. So I should be careful, keep my safe distance just not to allow to hurt my feelings which excludes asking her for tenderness. Is it possible to bring together these two attitudes? How to give love to myself to heal from that?
Do you have any ideas how to look at these readings from a different angle?
I will appreciate it
Luljana