Some relationship commitment questions, 54, 40, 3 all UC

[poeticwalking]

I asked some questions about my relationship. We've been together for 1 yr 9 months now. In the first year mostly we got along just so great, everything was easy, laughed a lot, very supportive of each other. Things got rough with his job late last year and he quit it right before the pandemic started, whoops. He hasn't found work yet to his satisfaction shall we say (doing some delivery apps but taking a break, it's only been meh anyway). It's hard for me not to be judgemental here since I hustled and did dinky side gigs and applied for literally every job I saw advertised in my field. I got two finally I added to main one (which cut hours. my other 2 jobs are $0 since March). TBH I don't care about what he's doing as long as he's happy and not a mooch, I think it would be great if he used the time to explore other interests or job possibilities, go on vacation, take a rest. He is very afraid of covid though and also money and change- he can't do the exact thing of his relaxation routine (state park he likes closed camping; roller rinks are risky or closed) so he just wants to stay at home. He said he can't do anything really since he is so worried about money. I've tried to get him to go out and about (let's skate somewhere outside, camp somewhere different. go hiking, kayak, etc) and he is just so attached to routine, doesn't want to try anything new, even if I pay for everything which right now is no problem for me. He's a lot just watching TV.

He is suffering from depression, which he has for his whole life and on meds. I addressed that we need some help with this since I am really feeling worn out from it and I know he feels down and anxious too. I suggested us getting some help to deal with it- therapy for him, couples therapy (I've been doing off and on for a few months now myself), seriously doing some exercises from relationship books. He won't try any of these things- he is especially against therapy since he had for over a decade following two suicide attempts in his teens, and says it doesn't work. Just so much has been really this sense of constriction.

I am really worried I just exhausted myself despite trying to keep a bit of boundary, and fear I am falling out of love.

Asked Yi the other day "What should I know right now about my relationship with x?" Got 54 unchanging.

I feel like this is, we have kinda revealed who we are at heart? And either have to make it work, or decide we want something different. Another thought I had is the "first wife" is depression.

Then I asked "What should I be doing right now to find happiness in this relationship?" and got 40 unchanging. Yikes?
So gotta let something go...either all my own head stuff and buck up and be TRULY supportive, or is it even saying release the relationship? I did have some serious talks with my partner in last two weeks, where I really said that I was worried about our future, that I really wanted to LIVE and not be in total fear, there is still fun to be safely had even in covid/bad job situation. I feel like I made quite a few big sacrifices (moved out of the city I love to his place in suburbs, had to get a car- I HATE driving, gave up on 1st time homebuyer program/grants I worked to get for 2 years, committed to working normal job/staying put and not doing any big travel- something I used to love- for 5 years) and it bothers me that not much has changed on his side to make the relationship work or accommodate my preferences. I am very flexible in general, and have mostly gotten over it, but it still worries me.

Just now I asked a q I saw in another thread "Is it worthwhile to still pursue a love relationship with x?" and got ANOTHER unchanging, 3. I have never gotten this hexagram before. I feel a lil scared by this. Again I feel like all this is pointing to a big decision to be made here, while my previous thing was that I was going to try to be patient at least a while longer, I hope things can get better with job and economy in 2021. Then again, all this kinda started a year ago, and the more tense time has been almost half of our relationship now. On the other hand, maybe there is still something worth it after we get through this "rocky" time. Again I feel like this points to something like therapy to help sort through things?

Basically, I am not sure how much is the stuff inside of me I need to sort out, like getting rid of all my negative mental patterns that have accumulated in the last year around this and dealing with him as he is (which, when not depressed, he is a really good man, and we do still communicate well. He is really having such a hard time with 2020 which made the small things worse). Or the alternative which is scary, to end things or let it fade. It's so scary, just a few months ago there were no doubts in my mind he was the one I will spend my life with, I think we are both feeling doubts and scared now.

 

[marybluesky]

Hello;

to me all the readings say the relationship is as it is; you can't change it. If you want to stay, work on little things to improve the situation, but don't expect them to have any big influence.

The reading aside, his behavior isn't weird for a depressed person; however I have a male friend with similar traits such as extreme fear of catching Covid, not being willing to differ almost anything in his life, etc; who is on the other hand a trustworthy, kind person with beautiful creative ideas. Other than having depression for a long time, he is suspected to be on the Asperger spectrum according to himself.

Maybe your partner has this problem, maybe not. Just a thought.

 

[poeticwalking]

The reading aside, his behavior isn't weird for a depressed person; however I have a male friend with similar traits such as extreme fear of catching Covid, not being willing to differ almost anything in his life, etc; who is on the other hand a trustworthy, kind person with beautiful creative ideas. Other than having depression for a long time, he is suspected to be on the Asperger spectrum according to himself.

Maybe your partner has this problem, maybe not. Just a thought.

Thanks, yes, this sounds like him a lot. In some ways he's very rigid, which is really frustrating for me at times- I guess the people I've hung out with are more of free spirits, arts/music/healing types- if anything, I'M used to being the more conservative or rigid one, so it's weird for me to be in opposite situation. On the other hand he loves (when not mired in depression) being goofy or doing creative surprises. One time he made a whole treasure hunt with riddles and hidden stuff around my neighborhood for me. Other suprises that were really personal, not just a surprise. He does this super funny routine with his nieces and nephews for xmas. And is like the biggest fan of music that I know (including doing generous things to hook musicians up. I have never seen him even once not giving a street musician money. He did free photos and write ups for years of a local music scene he was in and has done some for my band too).

On the other hand your assessment was making me think maybe I can take some pressure off myself. I always have this "I didn't try hard enough/not good enough" thing in my brain for various reasons (upbringing, toxic work/school environments). Maybe it's time I've done what I could, either help or time will make the change (or not?).

Hope for some more comments too, thanks!

 

[marybluesky]

He has a very interesting personality as you describe. It's a pity his depression disturbs an otherwise funny, creative life.