Sons hurt 56.1.4>22

[ontheroad]

Around August 2021 I became estranged from my Middle son.
He has suffered anxiety all his life and I believe it started in utero as I was dealing with a lot of things at the time I was pregnant with him and unknowingly was suffering from anxiety which I believe got passed on to him.
I think this because I cannot work out any other reason he would have anxiety connected to me from such an early age.
In recent years he believed he had overcome his anxiety but in 2021 he broke up with his partner and became anxious again and started seeing a psychologist. One day he rang me up and started going on about how it was my fault and pinpointed a particular reason which is just ludicrous and I said if anything it was in utero.
(As an aside there was a long period of time where he felt incredibly guilty about a decision he made which affected both his younger brother and I BUT I've never cast blame, it was what was at the time).
After that he wouldn't talk to me about anything personal or try and work out it out with me.
I suggested perhaps our psychologists (I was seeing one at the time) could converse and see if we could move forward. That just made it worse and the relationship got so dysfunctional I just gave up and said I'm done!
After gaining a whole heap of insight into my own issues, I was having a moment a few months ago and I recorded how I was feeling. I thought you know what my children need to hear this and hopefully it will give them insight into me as a person not just as their mother.
I was not expecting a response, I just felt it was something that would be good for them to hear but as it turns out this son sent me a lovely email saying he understand so much more through his own counselling but he was not ready to form a new personal relationship with me.
I said ok let's just communicate by email about our general lives, and so we have.
Even when we were estranged I sent him a birthday message which is on the 23rd of December and this year I did the same. As a mother, it was right for me to do. He didn't respond nor did he send me a birthday message which on the 14th of December.
About a week ago I heard a song and I decided to make a video of about 20 photos of my three boys my daughter-in-law, myself and my three grandchildren and send it 2 all of them.
I'm also estranged from my oldest son, my daughter-in-law and sadly by default, my three grandchildren. It's been 3 years this Christmas.
I did touch on the estrangement in my email but said I hoped they would still enjoy the video and the song.
I didn't do it for them I did it for me because I'm ready to see if we can sort out our differences but wholeheartedly understand if they are not in the same space. If anything I expected no response which of course is a response.
My middle son responded saying it hurts to hear from you on a personal level mum so please don't do that again however I'm still open to swapping impersonal emails.
I understand this boy is hurting deeply but nothing's changed since the estrangement. Honestly I struggle to have superficial relationships with anyone let alone a child I was very very close to for most of his life (he's now 31) but I'll respect his wishes.

What is my sons hurt/pain
56.1.4>22

I'm not geting much insight from this cast tbh except Line 1 - I upset his equilibrium he's trying to maintain
Line 6 - an impersonal relationship suits him

Hex 22 - the superficial of our now relationship

What response can I expect from my oldest son

59.1.2.5>27

Looks like he'll be open to reconnecting.

Weirdly when I looked at the photos, which span around 10 years, I could pinpoint the moments this son and sometimes the middle one were quite disrespectful and mean to me. I'm sure that won't even cross their mind because from past experience neither one held accountability for their behaviour even if they did know what they were doing.
Incidentally all 3 are out of the country for at least the next 2 years- all in different parts of the World.

 

[rosada]

Dear Ontheroad,
I just wanted to reach out to you on this special day and give you a warm sympathetic hug. Who knows why kids are so weird lately but I’ll tell you as a professional astrologer I’m getting so many calls from parents about their estranged children these days that I’ve started a support group for parents and grandparents who are going through similar scenarios. So far the only “solution” we’ve come up with is for moms to become so very focused on what’s going on in their own lives so the responses from the kids - or lack of - becomes less and less significant. Are the kids healthy? Employed? In good - or at least semi-good - relationships? then you’ve done your job. Time to detach. Easier to say than do, I know, but recognizing that you did nothing wrong and you’ve done all you can to promote connection should give you the permission to wish them well and move on.
As to what your son’s pain may be, 56.1.4 - 22 reads like he’s not happy in his life, not sure where he’s headed, maybe has some delusions of grandeur (22) or has some fantasy about going off into the unknown for a life of adventure. .

 

[ontheroad]

Dear Ontheroad,
I just wanted to reach out to you on this special day and give you a warm sympathetic hug. Who knows why kids are so weird lately but I’ll tell you as a professional astrologer I’m getting so many calls from parents about their estranged children these days that I’ve started a support group for parents and grandparents who are going through similar scenarios. So far the only “solution” we’ve come up with is for moms to become so very focused on what’s going on in their own lives so the responses from the kids - or lack of - becomes less and less significant. Are the kids healthy? Employed? In good - or at least semi-good - relationships? then you’ve done your job. Time to detach. Easier to say than do, I know, but recognizing that you did nothing wrong and you’ve done all you can to promote connection should give you the permission to wish them well and move on.
As to what your son’s pain may be, 56.1.4 - 22 reads like he’s not happy in his life, not sure where he’s headed, maybe has some delusions of grandeur (22) or has some fantasy about going off into the unknown for a life of adventure. .

Thanks Rosada, yes it's interesting how many parents are estranged from their children.
Since I've been on the road as a house sitter I've met many parents who are estranged from at least one of their children and/or people who are in difficult relationships with their children.
He told me in our initial emails that he loves me and I've always been a great mother that made him feel loved....
It's confusing why he won't talk but I'm definitely not attached as I once was, you get past it and like you’ve said the answer is to be focused on our own lives which I've learnt to do more and more.
Both estrangements have been an absolute blessing although I would hope there comes a time we can resolve our differences but I'm not holding my breath it'll be anytime soon....

Thank you for telling me about other parents it helps to know I'm not alone in this.

They're healthy, financially secure and successful in their chosen fields but no relationships and an unhappy marriage but that's not on me.

56>22 I think you're right on both counts. He's a bit full of himself and he's travelling all over Europe and beyond searching for that elusive thing which is already inside his heart.

 

[Trojina]

When he did try uo tell you his reason you said it was ludicrous but that was his truth he was trying to tell you. After that he closed up. So in his eyes you refused to acknowledge his reality so he gave up but agreed to superficial communication.

So you refused his truth and it hurt him but a boundary was set by him but can you see how that boundary was crossed when you sent him the pictures as once again you reminded him you didn't believe his version of events maybe by presenting 'happy family' pics when it wasn't for him. I know that isn't why you did it but you have to see through his eyes.

I don't think adult kids are 'weird these days' its just there's a heightened awareness now of childhood trauma and instead of people quashing it they try to deal with it and sometimes parents will be hurt by that.

I don't say this to make you feel bad, I know you had severe trauma yourself. just wanted to highlight it seemed important you heard his version.

56.1.4 to might refer to you as a comment on the question. You asked what his pain was but when told you what his pain was you didn't believe it. If he told you himself what his pain is how can Yi tell you better his truth than he can.

 

[ontheroad]

Yes I understand what you mean Trojina....what he said was....
I think my anxiety is because you had a bad relationship with my older brother.
I never said to him that's ludicrous, I just said no that's got nothing to do with it. I just think it's a far reaching reason.
The thing is his anxiety was obvious when he was a baby. My poor relationship with my oldest son didn't start until he was a teenager some, 10 years after the middle one was born.
He made this phone call to me 18 months after my estrangement with the older one started.
He made this phone call when my oldest son moved to the same city as him as they started to spend a lot of time together whereas before they only saw each other a few times a year.
Around the same time the oldest one sent me a letter telling me I was an absolute dickhead and I needed help.
The oldest son is renowned for trying to turn the other boys against me, starting when the younger two were still in primary school.
Why? Because rivers run deep and my family convinced my oldest I was a dreadful person, so there's a whole lot of history to this that essentially has nothing to do with me.
The middle one then rang me and told me I have to stop the oldest one going to Lebanon with his wife and my 3 grandchildren - I said I don't have control over that so he hung upon me.

That's why it's all so ludicrous to me.

However, You may well be right and that's why he's acting like he is now but I know I haven't done anything wrong.
These boys have to sort it out for themselves.

I can't sort it out if he won't talk to me.

Bringing the youngest one into this conversation. He thinks they're both fools for their behaviour (which sometimes extends to him) and need a smack across the back of the head but he chooses to still have relationships with them. None of my business. We don't talk about them really and when he needs family support which is quite often over the last 6 months he rings me because says there's no point in trying to talk with them because they just tell him he's a dickhead.
His gf broke up with him on Christmas Eve. He's in Canada and his brother was visiting but instead of being able to talk to is brother about it he didn't tell him and rang me to pour his heart out. If that's not telling then....
Out of the 3 of them he's the most level headed and emotionally mature.

 

[rosada]

There is going to be a full moon in Cancer (the sign that rules home and family) at the start of 2023 and another full moon in Cancer at the end plus we’re coming into the Chinese year of the water rabbit, a very gentle combo. Thus 2023 is expected to be a year of healing family issues. Hope so!

 

[ontheroad]

There is going to be a full moon in Cancer (the sign that rules home and family) at the start of 2023 and another full moon in Cancer at the end plus we’re coming into the Chinese year of the water rabbit, a very gentle combo. Thus 2023 is expected to be a year of healing family issues. Hope so!

That sounds great to me! Thank you

 

[ontheroad]

My youngest rang me this morning. I asked him if he'd any insights, because like me he just wants resolution between the other boys and I.
I told him what his brother said was the reason for his anxiety and he also said it makes no sense to him and whilst he's tried to get his brother to open up about it, he just hasn't.

 

[Trojina]

I didn't mean to imply you had done anything wrong, sorry I didn't want you to take it that way at all, it's just that different people have totally different perceptions of events even in the same family. In fact if you and went to the same party tonight and were in the same room all night next day we'd probably have very different versions of what happened. So I was just trying to reflect back what I'd read in that he'd presented his version of reality but you don't recognise it. That doesn't mean you are wrong or that he is just that there's a big mismatch of perception and it hurts both of you to talk about it.

The good news is, well the amazing thing is IMO, none of you have entirely given up on each other. However hard it is you're still having conversations even though they are hard and to my mind that indicates there is still love and as as they say where there's love there's always hope.

Also these days there's so much information, especially on line now, on how families impact on us emotionally and all that people are delving into it all a great deal more. This is hard on many parents of course because people start analysing their family more than they ever would have done years ago. I think if you're still talking through it all it's a very good sign.

 

[Trojina]

Also in terms of the reading 22 as relating would connect to perception according to the appearance of things. It looks like something to him so that is what it is to him even though that's not always a good measure of truth.

If the 56.1.4>22 is about his pain I could read it as he's on the surface of things in his life as it were, not gaining any great depth in perception as he travels towards his goals. Having both 56 and 22 one gets the impression of fleeting impermanent perceptions. And of course line 4 shows someone just not settled where they are, often not understanding why they feel so lost despite having enough material security.

There's nothing in this cast that suggests a permanent state of affairs so I'd hazard a guess his perceptions of the situation with you will change over time.

I don't want to presume to speak for him though, obviously what he tells you is more important than what Yi or anyone else tells you about what he thinks which is why I was highlighting what his version of events was.

 

[ontheroad]

No blame taken, it was good to look at it from the pov of his perception and I'd be happy to listen to what he has to say about that but he had nothing to back it up with.
Answers to questions like
Can you be clearer on what that means?
Can you give me an example of an incident?

And at the same time was obvious he wanted to cast blame and not listen to anything I had to say.

Yes his emails are full of Love at the same time as putting up a brick wall.....total mixed messages.

You're right and with all that information now available it can confuse people when they don't have clarity on what it means to them.
He sees a psychiatrist which I find are too dry....they're only working with his anxiety and not the cause.

I remember years ago my youngest blamed me because I didn't save my marriage.....obviously he understands what happened now.

I honestly think the key to resolution to this, is my oldest changing his perception of me but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

56>22 could mean so many things here really.
If He Keeps moving along then he doesn't have to look too deep into things hence his pain will stay with him unless and until.

Thanks for your take on all this, it helps ☺