What can be done about my relationship with X in order us to feel healthy/satisfied? 18.1.6 to 11

[poeticwalking]

Gosh, so hard to interpret this one. Basically, first 8? months were a dream. Then since last fall stress started to interfere- he increasingly couldn't tolerate his job and he quit right before the pandemic. He's worked 9-5 normal jobs his whole life. I've taken the time over the years to develop myself which he never really did. I'm more than happy to let him just develop hobbies/himself, figure out what to do, go to school, whatever. I hustled earlier in the pandemic (a lot of my work stopped but some held on a little...I qualified for some unemployment which I finally got, and a few grants plus other rando side gigs I hustled). We are ok financially although he is still insisting to pay most of mortgage (I pay a small "rent" since I moved in earlier in the pandemic), I'm happy to help out financially even more but he won't let me really. He is just as he puts it "numbing himself" and it's really hard to cope. He's struggled with depression his whole life, this week after again I tried to gently nudge towards therapy (which I have been doing off/on since COVID), it's ok to get help when things are overwhelming, he said he will never go ever again. He had negative experiences with it following 2 suicide attempts in his teens, did for 10-15 years, and is convinced it doesn't work. It's been a good year now of stress which had started since the fall. I know things are so hard right now, and then depression complicating, but it's also really hard to not feel I have a partner working on himself. There are times that things are getting codependent (basically he gets annoyed/upset that I am not always 100% there for him after work, I am managing but it's hard dealing with all my patients' stories, and touching people all day, in the midst of COVID. Sometimes I don't have the energy) which really worries me.

I asked the question above to Yi and I feel not great about the answer. I think my anxiety over the situation has led to this point, but on the other hand I feel like I am doing most of the work to improve things also? I'm going to therapy, doing exercise, listening to podcasts/reading, meditating, healthy food choices, supplements, etc. It's definitely not perfect but I am trying. He has almost completely abandoned his former exercise activities (can't do them same way due to covid and/or closures so he just won't do in another way), it's hard to get him to do stuff with me, he won't try therapy or partner exercises, won't read any books I recommend (actually he said he would, then never did).

These lines I feel like say that it could be possible to resolve this, they point towards "peace" in the end, but it is gonna require digging deep. The idea of 3 days (ie, a few days) is interesting, in 4 days we will go on a vacation which I begged him to do (I'm paying for all of it, no problem for me). And we will be there for 4 days. Maybe some resolution will come, either connecting or not?

Any thoughts on this or am I just being pessimistic. I feel like I've totally lost my sense of boundaries here. It's basically both of our first relationship too which doesn't help things.

 

[rosada]

I think this reading is emphasizing the importance of getting into what's happening now, that is, no more looking to the past to justify what he is or isn't doing now (18.1) and the importance of setting goals for the future (18.6). Perhaps you are being advised to just go with the 11. Flow for the time being - certainly great advice for a vacation!

btw, you mention how tiring it is for you to have him so seemingly so needy for your time and attention. It sounds like the more competent you become the more dependent he becomes and theres starting to be a shift in the relationship - like you becoming more a mother to him than a partner. Not sure what to do to rectify this...