What should I know about X? Hex 44.3 -> 6

[dancingfox]

Me and my sister always had problems with our stepfather, he came into our lives when we were teenagers. I ran from home when I was sixteen to live with my real dad because of him. My sister did the same as soon as she was old enough. We have no choice but to tolerate him, our mother loves him blindly. They live on the brink of poverty and the little money my mother makes goes straight to his dreams of his own business. He is trying to start some kind of ashram, he thinks he is a guru and has serious delusions about himself and the world. He has been talking about his ashram and trying to build it for over 20 years, but a never-ending series of mishaps and bad luck has prevented him from making his dream come true.

I visited my mother and stepfather this weekend. Me and my stepfather had a major falling out. I made a remark about a friend of his, expressing my doubts about his professional skills. I'll admit the remark might have been a bit straightforward and inconsiderate, but his reaction toward my remark was not quite in proportion. He started to shake and breathe heavily, his eyes and face started twitching and he started calling me names, even tried to threaten me, not physically but psychologically. My stepfather has some serious health issues, so despite the fact that I was the the target of his anger I worried we 'd have to call an ambulance. I managed to remain calm, mainly because I love my mother. I was tempted to react in the same manner, but I retained my self-control. We smoothed things over, but this whole incident has me really worried.

My sister had a similar fallout with our stepfather just two weeks ago. We are not afraid of him or anything like that, we just find him pathetic. Unfortunately, he has our mother in a psychological stranglehold. If me and my sis want to keep our mother in our lives (and we do, we love her unconditionally) we have to accept him as the man of her life.

For years me and my sister have tried to make the best out of this unhealthy situation. Besides his health issues (he refuses to see any doctors) we worry he has been developing some serious mental issues as well. He always has been a bit mental, but the last couple of years have been especially rough on him. He has come to the point where he is forced to admit his failure in realizing his dreams. I don' t think he has been able to deal with this reality, and it is sending him in a dangerous downward spiral.

I should add that despite the fact that he is eccentric and has his issues, we also have come to accept him in our own way. What he wants to bring to the world is basically a message of love. Our contact has always been complicated, to say the least, but me and my sister have come to accept him mostly, despite all the baggage.

After these last two fallouts however we worry for him, and in extension our mother. Me and my sister think these fall-outs might be a symptom of something much more serious, growing in his mind. I have many questions about this situation. But the one to start with I believe is:

'What should I know about my stepfather?"
44.3 changing to 6.

44: Coming to meet
The female principle comes to meet the male. The female is powerful and seizes control.
6: Conflict
Two halves moving away from each other, creating conflict.

Me and my sister are the last two loved ones in our mothers life besides our stepfather. Since they started their relationship (20 years ago) my mother has distanced herself from all of her old friends, not to mention most of her family. I daresay that my stepfather has been a considerable influence in all this. So me and my sis could represent the strong female presence which he can't control; We are still present in our mothers life. So he tries to cause conflict, tries to create a wedge between us and out mother.

Line 3
There is no skin on his thighs,
And walking comes hard.
Our stepfather has three hernia's...

If one is mindful of the danger,
No great mistake is made.
He tried to provoke me with accusations, but I retained my self-control

Seems to be an image of our fallout or conflict. Could it be that he has become paranoid towards me and my sister, provoking conflict and steering towards estrangement between us and our mother?

Other insights are much appreciated!

 

[Trojina]

No I don't think you are the 'strong woman' here. The woman here is only a metaphor for that which may sweep in and lead one out of one's own way...like lust might.

My first thought on reading this was my own opinion that you needed to take a much firmer line with him. I didn't answer because I thought my opinion was not connected with the reading. I've come back 8 hours later...no one has answered you yet...I've thought about 44.3 again and this time I can see how it connects with my original thoughts about this.

Thighs without flesh,
Moving awkwardly now.
Danger.
No great mistake.’

Hilary's translation....and ideas from her commentary are this line is about Yu the Great who literally worked his butt off in working to conquer the floods. It's hard ceaseless work which you are called to do. It's not easy, it's exhausting.


So someone here is called to do some work. You asked what you needed to know about him ? Well the 44.3 might refer to him, that he is so intent on his 'mission' he literally cannot rest...

...........but

...on reading what you said I'm tending to feel you have the work of dealing with him. You think he is destructive to your mother ? If you are right then it seems to me this answer is counselling you to be tireless in looking to her welfare which actually may involve opposing him (hex 6) Yu the great presumably was not polite reasonable and accommodating to the floods. I don't know much about the story not being a scholar, but the one thing I think you aren't being advised to do is be okay with this.


Actually this line may simply show that the way you are handling this is extremely arduous. It's hard work....and it's hard work you have to do because she's your mum and you don't want to upset her.

The whole tone of your post actually sounds very much like the tone of line. Heavy hard work one is called to do to the point of exhaustion, to the point where you worked so hard the skin falls away from your buttocks.

This is a line of 'you gotta do what you gotta do'. Looking at this

Unfortunately, he has our mother in a psychological stranglehold. If me and my sis want to keep our mother in our lives (and we do, we love her unconditionally) we have to accept him as the man of her life.

That is hard work ! It's so hard it's exhausting.

In a way I don't see this as advise more a description of the situation which seriously you cannot under estimate the nature of. I'm wondering if you and your sister may need to 'come out' more in your concerns about him to your mum, but I can also see why this might be a bad idea.

All I can see here is you cannot relax your efforts in dealing with this an issue however you try to do it.

Me and my sister are the last two loved ones in our mothers life besides our stepfather. Since they started their relationship (20 years ago) my mother has distanced herself from all of her old friends, not to mention most of her family. I daresay that my stepfather has been a considerable influence in all this. So me and my sis could represent the strong female presence which he can't control; We are still present in our mothers life. So he tries to cause conflict, tries to create a wedge between us and out mother.

As I said 44 is not the 'strong female presence' in terms of being what we today think of as strong or feisty...It is unfortunate the hexagram name got caught up with modern images of strong women etc etc because the intrusive dangerous element here, the 'woman' is not you but him I think.

Also of course from my POV as a stranger it's not all about him...your mother has chosen in a sense to place him above her relation with others.

Anyway I've nothing conclusive to add except I feel Yi may be suggesting you be more radical or energetic in this than you have been hitherto. I'm not sure about that though so obviously you have to go with your feeling...but would your mother really cut you out if you said you didn't want to be around him anymore ? I mean does she expect you to tolerate his abuse to keep her happy ?....What about your own points of view and feelings ?

 

[Trojina]

.....and noticing this

Me and my sister always had problems with our stepfather, he came into our lives when we were teenagers. I ran from home when I was sixteen to live with my real dad because of him. My sister did the same as soon as she was old enough. We have no choice but to tolerate him, our mother loves him blindly

I'm thinking well why should you have had to leave home because of him ? She surely needed to put you and your sister before him since you were so young. She could have asked you both if you wanted him living there and if you didn't then she could have waited a year or two. 'Blind love' doesn't serve as a great excuse since you two surely should have been her priority ? That's a lot of 'shoulds' and I don't know the situation so don't mean to judge her but to me the fact that you both had to leave home because of him also reminds of Yu the Great in line 3.....it's an arduous way to grow up and leave home so it sounds like he has caused you both hardship and you have had to labour under the hardship he has bought for the sake of your mother....which is very noble of you, but then again don't under estimate the extent of the hardship he's bought. I mean the struggle in 44.3 is very long and hard ...but it is purposeful. So maybe dealing with this situation, living with it, struggling with it, has an overall larger purpose for you in your life ?

 

[dancingfox]

Hi Trojina,

I was going over my own post again. It is ofcourse a long post, and a crazy story on top of that. So thank you for taking the time to read and analyze my post, and taking my story seriously.

You know, I almost forgot about the circumstances in which I ran away from home? It is because of the fallout I described in my post that it all started coming back to me. I think maybe part of me wanted to forget about it. It was my decision back then, to go live with my real dad. My mother didn't want me to leave. But my stepfather had convinced my mother to move far away from where we live. I was angry at my mother for following my stepfather, so I packed my things and moved in with my real father. After she moved we didn't speak or see each other for over a year.

The struggle between me, my sister and our stepfather has been fierce in the past. We have tried to confront him, and our mother. It always ended with our mother distancing herself from us. Those periods lasted for months or even years. It was always me or my sister who took the first step, trying to reconnect. Also, it's never ever their fault. It's always us, we were to angry, to stressed, to... whatever sounds right for them at that time.

The last few years have been calm in that aspect. We visit them mostly, because they almost never have the money or time to visit us. It's difficult for me to get there, I don't have a drivers licence, so it's half a day of public transport for me. So when I visit I am forced to spend at least one night there. Throughout the years those visits have become a trial, he is a very difficult person to spend time with. He is an incessant, compulsive talker, he can go on and on for hours and hours. For example, if I want to use the bathroom he will follow me to the hallway and wait there until I come out again, and pick up his monologue right where he left off. I tried to confront him about it but my mother immediately jumps to his defense, she just lovingly calls him "enthusiastic". -_-

This morning I talked to my sister, who talked to my mother on the phone. The whole fallout is in the eyes of my mother and stepfather obviously completely my fault. I was to stressed and my stepfather fell 'victim' to my being 'whimsical'.

Yes, it is exhausting, hard work. For a short while I felt like I was the one who was strong, because I endured his presence and not let myself be pulled into his provoking behavior.

But after this mornings phone call with my sister and your reply, Trojina, I am rethinking my position seriously. The fallout this weekend opened my eyes to begin with. And now I feel like my eyes are opening even wider. I just don't know how to fight back. If I aim for my stepfather, I seem to aim at my mother as well. How do we take a stance? No matter how I look at the situation, I feel like it will be a painful ordeal. We don't want to loose our mother. We think she is sort of 'brainwashed' by our stepfather.

It's almost funny if it weren't so terribly sad. In a matter of speaking he is a guru, with only one fanatic follower, our mother.

Perhaps the question I should ask is 'How do we take a stance against our stepfather'.

I don' t know, I'm not sure. At the moment, I just feel angry with myself, for having been so complacent in this. I managed to convince myself for years that in taking a peaceful attitude, trying to accept him into our family was the right thing to do. Now I'd just like to bite his head off.

 

[Trojina]

Yes, if it were not so serious behaviour such as this would be comical

For example, if I want to use the bathroom he will follow me to the hallway and wait there until I come out again, and pick up his monologue right where he left off. I tried to confront him about it but my mother immediately jumps to his defense, she just lovingly calls him "enthusiastic". -_-

It's not gentlemanly to wait for you outside the bathroom.....I mean you need some privacy. I never knew anyone who did that.

But to counter what I said somewhat I'm not sure that 44.3 urges you to 'take a stand' in a confrontational way...after all it does say 'danger, no great mistake', so I think it likely that you have been handling this correctly....yet Yi is saying with this line not to underestimate how much this costs you ! Yu the Great is performing a heroic deed for the greater good of the people. It costs him so much he doesn't stop and the skin on his thighs falls away.

I've read of this line when people undertake some great work they are called to, something that takes dedication. But here, in this situation, I'm wondering what the call is ? What is your work here...What rescue work are you doing ? Those thoughts made me think perhaps you needed more self interest, possibly more self assertion, but the line isn't directly saying that, that's what I'm deducing from Yi describing your relationship with him by 44.3.

I don' t know, I'm not sure. At the moment, I just feel angry with myself, for having been so complacent in this. I managed to convince myself for years that in taking a peaceful attitude, trying to accept him into our family was the right thing to do. Now I'd just like to bite his head off

Oh don't feel angry with yourself because a peaceful attitude is one hell of an effort here and the 44.3 may show this maintenance of composure was itself of the scale of heroism !

What I am clear of here is I think your answer, by it's stark imagery of hardship, work and deprivation for the greater good, is showing you must not downplay to yourself how much this costs you. Perhaps you need to start thinking of your own well being in this situation ? Perhaps letting your mother know that although you love her and will be there for her you just can't accept his behaviour to you. 44.3 shows great sacrifice and great sacrifice is noble and good in a good cause. Here I suspect the 'good cause' is your love for your mother but I'm not sure, given it's impact on you, how much more you can sacrifice to her. I have the impression that if you won't accept this man's boorish behaviour she will cut you off. In which case I tend to feel she herself could do to offer a bit of sacrificial energy to you ? You said you loved her unconditionally but that shouldn't mean you are expected to suffer because she is enthralled by this man.

 

[dancingfox]

Hi Trojan,

Thank you for your insight. I can certainly make an effort to let the both of them know what is and is not acceptable for me. To not downplay myself indeed.

I was upset. It's been a couple of days and I've had the chance to put things in perspective. I still think I have been a bit too complacent in this situation. Perhaps 'taking a stand' might be putting it to harsh. It's all about setting my personal boundaries. This seems to be something I must learn right now, not only in this situation but in many aspects of my life. I am still thinking about the 'sacrifice' bit. Your words certainly made an impression, thank you for that :bows:

 

[dancingfox]

I stumbled upon this reading today, this is so eerie... Two months after this reading my stepdad died in freak accident. My mum moved back closer to me and my sis and has rebuild her life, surrounded by loving friends and family. What has amazed me the most is the way my mom found her inner strength again, regained her identity. Life can be strange indeed.

 

[Trojina]

Very strange. It's not the first time I've seen/heard of someone blossoming after repressive partner dies. It is eerie how he died just shortly after you posted this though.

 

[moss elk]

Flowers usually thrive when someone is not stepping on them.

Same with people.