Why did I find this? 48.2.3.6 > 20

[samoyedgrrl]

I'm highly emotional at the moment, obviously seen by Yi with the three moving lines in the casting. I have had my Mother on task to de-clutter and downsize for the past year, when she gave me a small box of papers to shred. My Mom has made it her mission to completely wipe out every memory of my Father since 1978 when they divorced. For example, I don't have a single photo of him. I have hidden the things I have which were received as a gift from Dad out of my Mother's sight.

She has always painted him in a negative light. Years ago, I let her know that was wrong, although she was trying to protect me. Every child deserves a relationship with both parents, no matter how messed up they are, IMO. I tear up every time I think of the life I missed out on sharing with him. It's something I'll never get over.

In this box, I found my Father's first marriage license, diploma and a will. I never knew this will existed until today.

The will states that I am the sole beneficiary to his estate. Now, Dad remarried after Mom and I don't know much detail about him after that. Chances are that he wrote a new will or codicil, but this document I hold in my hand proves that Dad tried to do the right thing by me, even if Mom made it impossible for him to be in my life. He loved me.

So, I asked Yi, "Why did I find that will now?" and received 48.2.3.6 > 20. I'm having a hard time interpreting, due to my heightened emotional state. Could it be to remind me in my decisions with potential suitors to contemplate (20) and be that well full of love or to find one who loves me unconditionally? Could it be him reaching out to me to remind me that I'm loved? I just don't know. I really appreciate your input with this one. Wow. What an emotionally charged document.

 

[Tim K]

Could it be him reaching out to me to remind me that I'm loved?

I think so.

Why now? 48.2.3.6 → 20
I have two ideas
a) A well with leaky bucket [.2] is as bad as a well-maintained well that no one knows about [.3]. Like 2 sides of a coin, one is not enough, translating that into mom and dad idea, both are important for a child.
When you have both - clean water is available for everyone [.6]

b) If you had found out earlier - you wouldn't know what to do with it, how to react [.2 misuse].
So it was best left hidden [.3] until you were ready [.6 open cover].

If you were to act on this when you were younger
39.3 → 8 (Holding Together), Richmond: Goes and meets trouble. Turns back.

It could have messed up your life (even more than now?)
8.6 → 20 (Observing), Crowley: Thy first step missed? Disaster shalt thou see.
8.6 → 20 (Observing), Daniels: The chance for an alliance has been missed.
Because you didn't had any chance of restoring that connection to your dad, connection between mom and dad. And these efforts would have consumed you, misdirecting the energy from other tasks and goals.

Now you are in a position to see this situation objectively[20], to learn something passively (in contrast, h19 would be to act out, to come closer, approach). To forget and forgive (h20 also is about sacrifice of something old, washing up)

 

[samoyedgrrl]

Thanks for your response, Ashteroid. I've really had a lot to take in and reflect on as a result of finding this document. I really appreciate your insights as an impartial reader. There's absolutely no way I can be right now.

It does bring me comfort to think that this is his way of letting me know I'm loved at a point in my life when I can handle it. I have had him on my mind a bit before finding this, actually. I had been dating a gentleman that in various ways reminded me of Dad. I wondered momentarily if Dad could be warning me off of this guy, lol!

I also worry about this now coming in, a little over a week away from my Mom's pacemaker surgery. Hopefully this isn't predictive in any way. I know my thoughts are still all over the place right now, so I'm just going to take your word for it to mean Dad popped in to say "Hi, I love you, Princess."

 

[Trojina]

I'm highly emotional at the moment, obviously seen by Yi with the three moving lines in the casting. I have had my Mother on task to de-clutter and downsize for the past year, when she gave me a small box of papers to shred. My Mom has made it her mission to completely wipe out every memory of my Father since 1978 when they divorced. For example, I don't have a single photo of him. I have hidden the things I have which were received as a gift from Dad out of my Mother's sight.

Okay this is a shame but let us not as readers demonise the mother. In my experience there is often a good reason why someone does this. Also notice here it was your mother who gave the box. I think she may have intended you to find this. I even think she put it there so that you would. She wouldn't have mislaid such documents. She had them all along and thought she should give you this now.

She has always painted him in a negative light. Years ago, I let her know that was wrong, although she was trying to protect me. Every child deserves a relationship with both parents, no matter how messed up they are, IMO. I tear up every time I think of the life I missed out on sharing with him. It's something I'll never get over.

Mmm she certainly could have handled it better by the sound of it. But who bought you up ? Where was he ? Could he not have contacted you independently ? Can you totally blame her for the fact that he didn't take part in your life ?

In this box, I found my Father's first marriage license, diploma and a will. I never knew this will existed until today.

But IMO your mother certainly did and never told you. Why has she let you know now ? Perhaps because she is due an operation which reminds her she is mortal and she cannot leave this earth without letting you know you are sole beneficiary. Not that she is going to die but such things can make one take stock.

The will states that I am the sole beneficiary to his estate. Now, Dad remarried after Mom and I don't know much detail about him after that. Chances are that he wrote a new will or codicil, but this document I hold in my hand proves that Dad tried to do the right thing by me, even if Mom made it impossible for him to be in my life. He loved me.

Er he also made you sole beneficiary of his estate. I want to say 'wake up Sam'.....put sentiment aside for a moment, this is really important. If he once made you sole beneficiary you will very likely still be a beneficiary. I think you need the truth here and I think you need to find him or at least go to a solicitor to find out what to do.

So, I asked Yi, "Why did I find that will now?" and received 48.2.3.6 > 20. I'm having a hard time interpreting, due to my heightened emotional state. Could it be to remind me in my decisions with potential suitors to contemplate (20) and be that well full of love or to find one who loves me unconditionally? Could it be him reaching out to me to remind me that I'm loved? I just don't know. I really appreciate your input with this one. Wow. What an emotionally charged document.

You found it now because your mother engineered it that you found it. I could be wrong but as she handed you the box I am highly suspicious. I am confused because you haven't said that he is dead so I don't understand the idea of him reaching out to you. If he is alive on planet earth you can go and speak to him and he can speak to you now you are an adult.

I'm afraid I think you aren't seeing the import of this. You do need to know if you are due an inheritance. I think your mother is letting you know and leaving it to you as to what to do about it. I suggest seeing a solicitor or trying to trace him or having a straight conversation with her about it.

I think you are seeing this far too figuratively. If he is dead already I apologise but all you said was he remarried so if he's not dead he can 'hi' to you in person.

To me this is an urgent issue you need to deal with rather than just have feelings about. 48.2.3.6>20

IMO this is no message about current partners it's a message you were and likely still are a beneficiary of his will. You need to know the truth about that as in years to come you may lose what is rightfully yours. You can then pass that legacy down to your family and so on. I think the reading shows the blockage of the truth, and 48.3, well I think Yi is saying you haven't understood yet. 48.5 you will.
20, well for sure do not fall into thinking one thing or another straight away. I don't think you can possibly just settle for believing it was him reaching out to give you a message about a current partner,
he's not dead is he ?

A will is an important and real thing, not a relic of the past. It may still hold, it may not have been revoked. Don't see this all in a dreamy symbolic way. You have been given something real. You can really meet him. You can have a real conversation about it with your mother.

There is no way she would have accidentally lost those documents in your boxes.


Going back to the reading you asked 'why'. I have the feeling it's a picture of your mother contemplating putting you in the picture. 48.3 is saying there is this clear well to draw from but you don't know about it.

I've not focused much on the reading but when I read this it seemed urgent to me that you not settle for the ideas you have come to so far. There is far more here to see IMO and it felt very important to let you know this. I don't mind if you you don't accept this but it did need saying.

 

[samoyedgrrl]

Trojina,

What a thoughtful response. I really appreciate your interpretations and advice. As is the case with most divorces, it's a messy situation. Mom hid me from Dad in an effort to protect me. He was a mean drunk and took that out on my Mother and Brother. I was somehow spared from his rages. However, when it came to me, he did not show that side at all. I was still young and cute, plus being a "mini-me" of him helped curb that. I'm still reminded of the fact I look just like him frequently by my Mother, in an angry, spiteful way. She only says things about it when she's upset with me, as if it's an insult. "The older you get, the more you look and talk like your Father." He was an outgoing, friendly and gregarious man who dreamed big dreams, but never could follow through on those grandiose ideas. I think that's her passive/aggressive insult to say I'm a dreamer like him.

Once they divorced, Mom did not share our phone number with him. If he wanted to contact us, Dad would call my Uncle, who would get in touch with Mom and then she would decide when and if he'd talk with me. When we moved, she did not share those locations with him. Once my Uncle passed away and that contact was gone, Dad had no way of reaching me, so he gave up.

Yes, he could have hired a private investigator, but Dad was not a man of money. He was the type who barely made ends meet. Could he have found a way? Yes. Did he? No. It's just a fact. Both parents were culpable to the lack of a Father in my life. If I had one thing to say to him, it would be "Don't give up on me. I promise, I'm worth it." However, I cannot. Dad passed away in 2003.

In regards to the box of papers and whether or not Mom intended on me finding it, I don't think there was any sort of premeditation. I believe she was just discarding relics of a disastrous marriage and didn't realize I'd be going through the papers as I threw them into the shred box. I bet if she did know that, those papers wouldn't have been in that box.

Thanks to the Google , I have the contact information for Dad's widow. I could call and speak with her. I doubt there's anything in the estate, especially since it has been 13 years after he died. There probably wasn't much to start with, knowing him. I believe that he had more children after me, which also makes me believe he may have changed the will to include them after the one I have was written.

So, here I am, mourning the loss of a man I really didn't know and feeling the mass confusion of being told only one side of a story my entire life. I was always made to feel guilty for loving him and reprimanded anytime I'd say something nice about my Father. "You should be thankful you don't have him in your life," they'd say. I need to process all of this and come to terms with how I feel about him before making any decisions on what to do.

 

[Trojina]

Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know he was dead. Then for sure this is him saying 'Hi'. I'm sorry I went all through that. I couldn't see anywhere you said he was dead and I thought you might lose out on what was yours.

So your mum didn't put it there after all. Well then this is an amazing thing to find, cherish and hold to your heart. Oh dear I am so sorry I got the wrong end of the stick

I felt such urgency about this. Perhaps in part you have to know how real this is. It feels very real, very tangible to me as if this was not from a person who has already gone but someone who has something to give you now. I think this is quite a powerful message of love actually as it carries an urgency. Maybe it's really important at this time for you to receive it for all the reasons you gave.

 

[samoyedgrrl]

Trojina,

No worries about your interpretations. Yi has been so good to me, during these past few years as I've used it as a tool to heal and figure out things in life. It's a constant learning process. I've worked hard at staying open to other ideas, as we do tend to get stuck on a single interpretation especially if it benefits us. (i.e., about a romantic relationship) However, it isn't always so easy to figure out what it's trying to show us. I'm glad you shared your thoughts with me.

I've been thinking today that maybe the reason the guy who reminded me of Dad came into my life was to show me things about my Father. I could look at him through the eyes of a woman and see his insecurities, his shortcomings and failures but his unwavering love for his children. The man I dated was strong in business, by anyone's definition a huge success, but yet scared to sleep alone and in a lot of pain over the battles waged over his children with his ex. Anytime the subject of his kids came up, the man I dated beamed with pride over them.

I keep replaying things in my head and I wonder if my Dad was the same way about me. Everyone and everything comes into your life for a reason at the right time. Perhaps this is why things have happened as they have...

 

[diamanda]

Samoyedgrrl, it's a very delicate and deeply complex story you've told us here. I won't comment on your reading, although I'll just say I've seen line 48.3 often turn up about people who abuse substances. I would suggest that you have a look at this forum, for friends and family of alcoholics. You will see how the official advice for wives of alcoholics is to a) escape, b) protect the children, c) get rid of all mementos. There are lots of heart-breaking stories about families who managed to escape, and even worse stories for families who did not manage to escape. Although I believe that alcoholics are themselves victims of this demon, the fact remains that they do destroy everything and everyone they touch. Of course it's nice to feel the love, however please take into account the facts. Don't let this swallow you emotionally and haunt you - I'm sure your mum did the right thing.

I keep replaying things in my head and I wonder if my Dad was the same way about me.

The man you dated was not an alcoholic was he? It's sad but true: although alcoholics do have feelings, the Number One and Only centre of their whole existence is alcohol. They choose this at any given moment over anyone. Also you say that the guy you dated was very proud of both his children. Your dad sounds like he preferred you, because you looked like him, but was nasty to your brother (and mother). I do not mean that you should 'condemn' your father in any way - but also take care not to paint an angel picture of him. I'm sincerely hoping you soon feel better about it all.

 

[samoyedgrrl]

Diamanda,

It is a delicate, yet complex situation. Dad was an alcoholic, I can't tell if he was mentally ill outside of that, but he had mood swings I've never seen before in my life. I was protected from most of it, but both Brother and Mother would tell me about them later. I did observe him strike my Mother before as a child and listened to their arguments, hiding in my closet. He was far from an angel, that's for sure.

However, that being said, I was always told to fight the feelings of love and/or affinity for my Father. Instead, I was encouraged and praised for saying terrible things about him. I fully understand why Mom did what she did, but in the process, she placed me in a position I should never have been in. Her disparaging remarks should have been left for her adult friends. She should have let me feel love towards an absent Father instead of encouraging me to hate him because she did. It has set me up for a life of disappointing relationships with emotionally unavailable men. I feel much more comfortable when they're not around. It's when they want me and profess their love for me, I don't exactly know what to do, lol!

The man I dated appeared to be fighting his own demons via the use of alcohol. That's why the relationship was so short lived. I think this a new way of postponing dealing with things for him after finding his ex-girlfriend in bed with another man this past year. I don't think he's a lifelong drunk. I pray he finds the help he needs before it destroys his life. However, I can assure you I won't be part of it because I've already lived that life as a child of an alcoholic.

Wow. This all was so left field. I wasn't expecting to be dealing with any of this, that's for sure! Thank you for listening to me and your advice. It really is helping me to stay objective about it all.