Hello all,
A friend of mine has in the past few years been displaying passive-aggressive tendencies; being nice sometimes and other times gives me little put-downs (mild abuse). He says he enjoys to tease me, calling me a geek and a loser, that kind of thing. I find it tiring though and would rather be affirmed by my friends! We go a long way back and I was best man at his wedding so I don't want to lose the friendship but am not sure what to do. I feel I need to be firm with him and tell him off but don't want to overreact. I asked IC:

What if I am firm with him: 43.1.2.3.4>8

Line 1 and 3 (going on without control; vigour in the cheekbones) seem to imply don't overreact
Line 2 implies not to be defensive
Line 4 I'm not sure

So perhaps I should not overreact but just treat it as mild teasing and show it doesn't bother me? I would appreciate any further thoughts on this? Thanks

Hi msmith,

"What if I am firm with him?"

43.1.2.3.4 to 8 ~ Raising a glass to friendship is all it will take.

I hope this helps!

msmith said:

Hello all,
A friend of mine has in the past few years been displaying passive-aggressive tendencies; being nice sometimes and other times gives me little put-downs (mild abuse). He says he enjoys to tease me, calling me a geek and a loser, that kind of thing. I find it tiring though and would rather be affirmed by my friends! We go a long way back and I was best man at his wedding so I don't want to lose the friendship but am not sure what to do. I feel I need to be firm with him and tell him off but don't want to overreact. I asked IC:

What if I am firm with him: 43.1.2.3.4>8

Line 1 and 3 (going on without control; vigour in the cheekbones) seem to imply don't overreact
Line 2 implies not to be defensive
Line 4 I'm not sure

So perhaps I should not overreact but just treat it as mild teasing and show it doesn't bother me? I would appreciate any further thoughts on this? Thanks

Click to expand...

But it does bother you so why would you pretend it doesn't. In 43.3 one tries to show one isn't bothered but is that really the best way to go? Bringing it up isn't problem free. He may be annoyed, make out you are over reacting etc etc so if you do bring it up be aware things may be disrupted for a time. The truth is you are often better off without people who do this kind of thing in the long run. You don't need friends who make you feel crap about yourself. So I think this is up to you. I think if you go ahead and say your piece he may not accept what you say at all and the relationship may be damaged. However the relationship with yourself may be augmented although this won't be pain free at first.

I don't think I have ever known losing someone like this not to be a good thing, it makes room for better friends to come into your life.

But only you know how much this bothers you so it's up to you to decide if it's worth it and if loyalty to yourself supersedes loyalty to him and his version of you that you don't much like.

8. Union is about the importance of respecting boundaries. Your friend is crossing the line and 43. says you need to speak up. 43.4 suggests your friend may not understand so you'll probably need to carefully consider your wording.

More about this situation...
You mention you were Best Man at this fellow's wedding. I think that's an important clue. Being the best man is a very important role and it's not just about keeping track of the wedding ring. The Best Man takes on a sacred commitment to support the couple's marriage particularly in counseling the groom if he needs a poke. Now your friend is making digs at you that you are starting to notice don't have a friendly feel like they might have when you were kids but now are irritating, even mean. Why do you suppose this is happening? I bet if your friend is talking this way to you he is probably not talking all that differently to his wife. Could it be your Best Man radar is picking up on a problem in their 8.Union/ marriage? Is your friend belittling his wife? Or maybe he is trying to tell you that she is belittling him - maybe she is calling him a loser? Maybe you need to ask your friend if everything is okay at home - next time say very seriously, "I've been meaning to ask you something. Are you and the Mrs. doing okay? I don't want to pry but you did ask me to be your Best man and I think that gives me an obligation to check up on you two when I sense a problem." Either he starts to confide or he says, "No, I think we're fine, why do you ask?" - then you can say, "Oh I just notice you've been calling me some not very nice names more than is funny I wondered if maybe there was something on at home I should know about." That should make him stop!
m2c

Thanks all, that really helps. I have started a dialogue that will hopefully stop the abuse and maybe remove some blockages.