Hi everyone,

Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle with my mother-in-law. I've always sensed she disliked me, or was bewildered by me, but it was easy to avoid conflict because of distance and not really having anything she wanted particularly. We've always been pleasant to each other, if not at all close, and I've done a lot of keeping in touch, reminding my husband about gifts and birthdays, encouraging trips, etc.

Now that we've had a baby, this has changed, and she's become openly jealous. I'd rather not post specific details, but trust me, it's quite ugly. I also knew for sure she was jealous because she told me so directly, to my shock (!), but I'd hoped it wasn't very deep. However, in a follow-up conversation she had with my husband recently, she made it clear it is very intense and she is struggling with her feelings. I'm extremely apprehensive about dealing with her during the holiday next week. For context, this is a family where no one every says anything directly until a problem has become absolutely dire, so for her to be so open about this means it must be very bad. And she has a history of very sudden and nasty one-off actions. She's impulsive by nature, not calculating, so they are not particularly successful, but nasty nonetheless.

I asked Yi, "Can you give me advice on dealing with her jealousy?" and received 33.1. Ouch. 33 is quite straightforward, Yi's advising to keep difficult and petty people at a distance, but 33.1 seems to show real unpleasantness and no way for me to avoid it. There isn't a huge amount on this line in the forums, nor do I have much experience with it—I can't recall another experience of getting it. It seems a bit hopeless.

Can anyone share personal experience with this line, or insights?

Thanks very much in advance!

Also, just to put it out there, she had a very sad and emotionally bereft childhood, with patterns of abandonment and scapegoating within her family that continue. I understand her actions come from a place of insecurity. At the same time, she is a grown woman and I do not appreciate being treated nastily, nor having to constantly stay on my toes around her. Oh well. I'm hoping just to get through the visit without too much drama, but 33.1 has me spooked.

I asked Yi, "Can you give me advice on dealing with her jealousy?" and received 33.1. Ouch. 33 is quite straightforward, Yi's advising to keep difficult and petty people at a distance, but 33.1 seems to show real unpleasantness and no way for me to avoid it. There isn't a huge amount on this line in the forums, nor do I have much experience with it—I can't recall another experience of getting it. It seems a bit hopeless.

Can anyone share personal experience with this line, or insights?

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I think you need to not underestimate how nasty or harmful it is and get the hell away from it NOW ! It's a simple answer. Line 1 is tempted to leave it too late, to imagine they can keep on advancing or making some kind of progress when they actually need to withdraw to keep safe.

It's okay to withdraw from nastiness so withdraw from it.

Thank you, Trojina. I am always grateful for your insights. You're usually right so I take them pretty seriously. In this case, I'm not sure how to physically withdraw as not making the trip would cause a major rift in my marriage (I already floated postponing and it didn't go over well). I'm hoping that withdrawal on the psychic level, accompanied by a steel spine and strong boundaries, will suffice. I'm still sick to my stomach thinking about it and navigating having my baby around that toxicity. At least it's not directed at her.

Just now I asked for a picture of how the trip will go in light of her jealousy, and received 52 unchanging. I'm hoping this means by keeping myself calm and still and quiet, I'll be able to avert the danger of a conflict she badly wants to bring to the surface.

mulberry said:

Thank you, Trojina. I am always grateful for your insights. You're usually right so I take them pretty seriously. In this case, I'm not sure how to physically withdraw as not making the trip would cause a major rift in my marriage (I already floated postponing and it didn't go over well). I'm hoping that withdrawal on the psychic level, accompanied by a steel spine and strong boundaries, will suffice. I'm still sick to my stomach thinking about it and navigating having my baby around that toxicity. At least it's not directed at her.

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I can see it's difficult but the thing is you really shouldn't have to go into wounding situations and your husband should not want you to go into wounding situations either.

I think the general idea of line 1 is one just manages to escape in time but it's a close call. Also there's the idea you cannot make positive moves forward until you have removed yourself from danger.

You asked how to deal with her jealousy and there's no doubt you need to withdraw from it but this line could be a prediction that you manage to save yourself, just about.

It's interesting that the focus in the answer isn't about making placatory moves to her or trying to make things better, and it might have been. No, Yi seems more interested in you looking after yourself as a priority. The very first thing to take care of is not trying to make the relationship work better or trying to fix anything it's keeping yourself safe. In my experience one does manage this but it often feels like 'phew that was a close call'.

I didn't want to worry you. If you have to go then you have to go but IMO there aren't really any good reasons for a person to have to go and suffer emotional abuse. We used to be told in order to keep families 'together' someone has to bear with the emotional abuse....but it's not true, no one should ever have to suffer that.

So yes keep yourself safe as a priority and also I hope your husband comes to appreciate that well he does need to be on your side here. It does matter that you feel 'sick to the stomach' about this and I'm not sure he should really ask this of you.

mulberry said:

Just now I asked for a picture of how the trip will go in light of her jealousy, and received 52 unchanging. I'm hoping this means by keeping myself calm and still and quiet, I'll be able to avert the danger of a conflict she badly wants to bring to the surface.

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Oh and further to the 33.1 you got 52uc

I'm not sure you are going. You may think you are going but I'm not sure you are. I don't know why, maybe something will crop up ?

Of course you may be right and it is to do with you remaining impervious to her behaviour. 52 says one is there but does not see the people, so one acts as if the people are not there so firm is the inward gaze. 52 uc also speaks of not trying to think further forward than one needs to, to stay in the present , so it could be advice not to worry in advance for what has not happened yet.

And yet I also do wonder if you will go at all. You say you are extremely apprehensive and sick to the stomach and you also have a baby. In my eyes I just don't see why you should go at all. It is bad for your baby if you are upset and worried and your baby is your priority not her. Hmm I am wondering if someone might just get sick and not be able to go ?

You mention that you have been the one promoting keeping in touch. Perhaps 33.1 is pointing out that's not a good position for you to be in. Perhaps 52. Keeping Still is advising for you to stop it. Let your husband manage the relationship with his mother - if he remembers her birthday or wants to buy her a Christmas gift or call home, fine, but let it be between the two of them. Perhaps eventually she will come to want to have a relationship with you but until that time Keep Still, don't try to insert yourself into the relationship between her and her son. Your husband may not be relating to his mother as you think a son should, but perhaps not remembering her birthdays etc. is a his way of keeping things superficial and thus avoiding her deeper dysfunctional issues.
Let him be the one to make the calls and co-ordinate the Christmas visit. If you don't initiate further contact your husband will either strengthen his connect with Mom - and thus she'll no longer be jealous of you - or he wont. Either way, you're off the hook.

mulberry said:

Just now I asked for a picture of how the trip will go in light of her jealousy, and received 52 unchanging.

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Mountains don't go anywhere,
they stay in one place most of the time.

While 52. Keeping Still gives the impression of maintaining strong borders and boundaries, if you read the actual lines it's advice on how to restore balance, stay present in the now and not let past experience trigger new karma. I think it gives encouragement for surviving situations where you CAN'T put up walls, where you have to be right there in the courtyard with your people or at the dinner table with the relatives.

52.1 Keeping Still the toes - you recognize how you've caused problems for yourself by responding to negativity and vow not to do that anymore. (Line 1 changes to..27.Nourish self on good stuff from this day forward.)
52.2 Even so, old habits die hard and it's not easy to resist falling in with the old patterns. ( Changes to..18.Gotta work on it.)
52.3 So you vow you're absolutely no matter what not going to do bad things, eat fattening stuff, call the ex or let your mother-in-law get to you...(23.shed those negatives.)
52.4 Now with out all those addictions pulling on you you're impervious to the outside world, silent like a child sleeping in the womb. (56. Ahh...The only way to fly.)
52.5 Out of the fullness of the innocent kind heart, now the mouth speaks. ..(53. This is progress.)
52.4 Noble hearted keeping still. You don't need to say a thing ( 15. Just you being there is enough)

Hi Mulberry,

Just wanted to post a quick note of support for you in your difficult situation. I hope that in the end you will be able to resolve your dilemma peacefully and easily. This morning I received 33.1>13 regarding my Thanksgiving (today) plans and I feel just flummoxed. I can only imagine what you are going through. Many thanks to Trojina, Rosada, and Moss Elk for your contributions here.

Best wishes to you, Mulberry!

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and generous replies! I know the question has been broached here before, but is it possible to use Yi's advice to change course, to alter fate or stave off a bad outcome? Of course it must be, otherwise the oracle's usefulness and urgency would be lessened, right?

At any rate, what I'm getting at is the trip went...fine. My mother-in-law was on best behavior. No funny business, no nastiness, no trickery. In the lead up to going, though, my husband and I had a heated argument, which is very rare for us (first I can recall in more than a year), which resulted in him calling his mother and laying down an ultimatum. I'm wondering if there could have been a way to get to that point without the painful arguing, which the inauspicious castings were perhaps describing.

Trojina, you were almost right about us getting sick—unfortunately it happened AFTER we were there. It did give me a chance to retreat more than would usually be socially acceptable, though, and perhaps that helped the overall visit.

In the end, my husband was very happy we went and introduced the baby to extended family, and nothing terrible happened. Some wider issues remain unresolved, or lurking to come to light another day, but for now it's fine. And we're staying home for Christmas. Thankfully!

Happy New Year to all! I just rediscovered this thread and saw a comment I had posted in it. Very glad to hear that Mulberry's experience was a good one. Just like Mulberry I had received 33.1 about attending a holiday event within the same time frame. The reading spooked me enough that I made an excuse and cancelled plans at the very last minute. Good thing I did because tremendous upheaval, which included weapons and threats of violence, occurred at that Thanksgiving dinner. In my case Trojina's advice was spot on:

I think you need to not underestimate how nasty or harmful it is and get the hell away from it NOW ! It's a simple answer. Line 1 is tempted to leave it too late, to imagine they can keep on advancing or making some kind of progress when they actually need to withdraw to keep safe.

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I do hope it's not inappropriate for me to post this. Since I love to hear other people's real-life outcomes, and because I had already posted on this thread, I thought it might be ok to share my experience and thank the contributors here for advice which spared me involvement in that crazy Thanksgiving dinner. Thank you!

I'm so glad you posted this, Galatea11! Relieved to hear you avoided what sounded like a traumatic and dangerous holiday. My own experience was less immediately frightening, but I did have that same sense of deep unease going in and I completely agree that Trojina's advice was right. In my case, getting sick while we were there perhaps spared me (and baby) from anything more untoward. I also think the reading had a lot to do with the fight my husband and I had beforehand (our worst argument ever, honestly).