57.3.5.6 › 7 difficulty with youngest son (age 11) Autistic?

EmMacha · Dec 6, 2017

What do i do about my youngest son? It is possible that he has high functioning ASD (autism), kind of like 'aspergers' (behaviour similar to Sheldon Cooper in 'Big Bang Theory').

But that is not the problem, the problem is that there are conflicts between how I am parenting him, how his father is, and how school and social supports are advising. Also, he is going through a very difficult and anxious time himself

He gets extremely upset over little things, gets very wound up if things dont go his way, he is having problems in school and has been given a Special Needs Assistant. There is a referral crisis in my area, no chance of seeing the autism team for a full assessment until next year.

There have been numerous difficulties in the last year; things that seems small can set him off into a meltdown, or extended discussion and arguments. He is very addicted to his smartphone & freaks out if you take it off of him, sneaks it into bed & is tired the next day, or won't go to school.

NOW, the last 3 weeks, he won't go to his father's house (we are separated, have a flexible 4 day on / off arrangement).

TL; DR extra background :

Code:

He started by skipping school, playing sick, then hid behind the school and went home when i was gone one morning, then started freaking out refusing to go. Thing is, his father is stricter than I am, there is no room for argument, rules are firmer, but he has no internet, & needs to get a new flat, has been depressed in himself the last few years, but he isn't mis-treating him, he does love his son.  I'm under pressure from outside (his father, school, Family Support Services, parents) to push him more, enforce rules, be more organised etc;-yet I am worn out trying to get him to do things on time, stick to routines and times, enforce the authority. constantly ending up in arguments and meltdowns with him over the tiniest of things Thing is, yes, the child comes first, & his needs, he has definite sensory needs, sensitivity issues. (loud noises, certain textures, restricted diet etc). [b]But I don't want to end up in a 'tail wagging dog' situation with him either. I'm worn out, worried about him, under pressure from school & social services to 'get him in school on time' 'get him settled'[/b] yet the chaos is ongoing, no matter what I do...

There is pressure here to Push him, enforce things - the onus is on me to be firmer, yet I am being firm, and it's becoming arguments, which I don't want with my little son.

Things are hard enough for him already.He is very anxious, small things are big obstacles to him. He is aware that his friends are all having an easier time.

It's very difficult when his friends move on or start another game and he is still discussing the previous rules of the old game, or when the lesson in school has changed, and he is still organising his pencils for the previous one, or when he has a meltdown in front of his classmates.

Feeling very stuck, pressure on all sides! I want to know how best to approach this for my son

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So I asked Yi: "What do I do? I mean attitude, suggestions, what could I dig deep & find inside, or is there hope?

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[size=+2]Yi's answer: Hexagram 57 - 57.3.5.6 > 7 --- Subtle Penetration[/size]

THE GENTLE. Success through what is small.It furthers one to have somewhere to go.It furthers one to see the great man.

Line 3:

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Nine in the third place means:Repeated penetration. Humiliation.Penetrating reflection must not be pushed too far, lest it cripple the power of decision. After a matter has been thoroughly pondered, it is essential to form a decision and to act. Repeated deliberation brings fresh doubts and scruples, and thereby humiliation, because one shows oneself unable to act.

I'm pushing too far?

I see where all the arguments are going & jump to the end & say, 'if you are trying to persuade me to ____, then no, because.... 'which seems to be the message of line 3, or what it is about -- stop talking about it?Or is it that this is not working?

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Line 5 is good I think -- 'Keep Going'

Nine in the fifth place meanserseverance brings good fortune.Remorse vanishes.Nothing that does not further.No beginning, but an end.Before the change, three days.After the change, three days.Good fortune.

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But Line 6?

Nine at the top means: Penetration under the bed. He loses his property and his ax. Perseverance brings misfortune.

Losing the axe, bed broken? Losing my power as parent? Not able to entertain friends, do my work?

Or a darker influence coming in, family, social conditioning, cultural attitudes to autism / nuero-normative attitudes ?

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Hexagram 7 is a good relating hexagram here?

I feel that this is what I am trying to do, organise the chaotic energies, organise things - I have been decluttering the house, doing business course in college, focusing and changing how I run my day.

Please, any insight would be useful... Situation is very stressful, very intense !

(Honestly I expected hexa 28,or 29,or 23! not 57)

EmMacha · Dec 7, 2017

Apologies over lines and editing, I am having problems with the editor, spaces and returns are not parsing

EmMacha · Dec 7, 2017

Subtle shifts

Update:

Mulling over the image of Hexagram 57 in general gave me the best sense of how to proceed -- to back off and try to understand my little son's experience...

Line 3 -- 57.3

___

That he is repeatedly expressing his opinion, pushing things, not letting go of things
That I am doing that back, over-enforcing - we are both losing steam
That he feels humiliated, not ;listened to, time has passed, time for action has passed

___

Line 5 - 57.5

Give him some bigger goals (carrots) for 'good behaviour'
I can change this 'bad beginning' - persist in the long-term goals
Look at things over a week, rather than a day - it takes time to shift patterns

___

Line 6 -- 57.6

Look at the subconscious underlying things upsetting the 'bed' - my own fears, how I talk to him with the idea that he won't obey, how I am with him when I am stressed
How am I bowing too low? perhaps worrying too much about outside opinions on my parenting? I get very stressed about this and then get wound up and then things DO go wrong! But actually, i am his mother, I know better than anyone else what is going wrong, and what he actually needs. Stand strong in that?
Looking deeper underneath the structure of things could stop this 'tail wagging dog' scenario?
What winds [ideas] are penetrating into the situation here causing upsets?
- Idea that there is something wrong with him, that he is the problem. He's not, he is a child articulating a need - maybe loudly. We need to listen deeply.
- Idea that this is a struggle with my son, or for him. He has made a choice to stay here, with his Mum, where he feels safe .He has made this choice for himself and his life, even though he is only 11 (12 in March 2018). He made this choice even though he argues with me! I should be proud of him!
- Idea that there is something wrong with my parenting, or that there is something wrong with him that causes him to choose my house (his Dad - "you're too soft, he can get away with things with you, that's why he wants to stay in your house").
- Idea that the kids should follow the rules & routines - I mean, turning it on it's head, the routines and rules are for the kids - they shouldn't be slaves to them... wind is flexible
Could losing property and axes mean ending the war / conflict in the situation? by looking underneath?
Submit to the situation, Bow low, Kow-tow and you will gain greater understanding?

It seems to me, Hexagram 57 was asking me -

How do you want your home to be?

What pervasive influences do you want to shape your home and parenting?

How to bring my personal values and character more into my parenting / home vibe?

Overall, it's the image of the wind, subtly penetrating, everywhere, inside the situation that resonated with me - step back, let the wind blow, decide what winds blow through, you're own influence is more powerful than you realise...To me it's a great image of Taoist parenting 'lead by following'

Lavalamp · Dec 8, 2017

"What do I do?"
57.3.5.6>7
Be gentle (57.) The issue is organization and personal discipline (7 - Army.)

57.3 Using force repeatedly is not effective, will cause him to have bad feelings and you will lose him.

57.5 He needs a clear schedule so he knows what to expect. Maybe the flexible nature of his home stay schedule is problematic, perhaps make a written schedule on the wall for his days and stick to it. The Montessori Method of child development teaches that it causes a lot of issues for children when they are expected to adapt to changes a lot, it disturbs their sense of order which is important to them.

57.6 This line says he needs his own space in his bed. That taking his property is not a good idea, it brings misfortune. Hmm. Perhaps don't take away his cell except in extreme situations. You can limit his internet to a certain amount of time a day by making a schedule on your wireless router or parental controls on his phone,

Generally my take on this hex, it points to a well known issue with children like yours, adults trying to get them to conform humiliate them and that causes the most damage to them. Then they lose their own motivation and self confidence, you want to empower them, not use their feelings as way to spare yourself embarassment.

Find a parental support group. you can start online, then look locally. If possible with your healthcare get him evaluated (see the great man, those with more experience.)
Lastly the Montessori Method of child development teaches control the environment, not the child. You want to give the child freedom to develop according to their own inner power seeking to express itself, within an environment created by you. In the environment you provide them with the tools they need to naturally develop. He may not have enough to interact with in his environment at home. Making his phone something he relies on actually for inner work. If he is not sleeping tire him out.

Maybe a little counter intuitive on the phone, but line 6 seems pretty literal to me.

Best of luck. I'm not on here often BTW.

- Lavalamp

Lavalamp · Dec 8, 2017

BTW, Maria Montessori observed children in prison with zero resources to work on their personal development would find things to work with, even a bug.
Principles of childhood development are critical to understand with special needs children I think.
All the best.

- LL

Greenkid · Dec 9, 2017

I would like to add a small item please. I have a grandson with Autism who I Baby-sat frequently. At one time he cried and cried for ages at something he couldn't do. After a while I said "If you are just going to cry, I'm going to read the paper" I sat with the paper for about 20 seconds then said "Lets have a cuddle then" he couldn't wait to get into my arms where he cried for few minutes more then calmed down. He is now 11 like your son and I find that distraction helps a lot. Rescue Remedy is also good for calming children and adults. I don't know if you have heard of Rescue Remedy but it acts in seconds; it doesn't need to be taken by mouth it can be smoothed on to temples or wrists, It will also calm you yourself. Hope this helps. meigga

Lavalamp · Dec 9, 2017

Oh and never underestimate the need of a boy to eat! When my boys have had a wrinkle getting their blood sugar up has always smoothed things out, they could have just eaten a half hour ago but kid's have wacky metabolisms sometimes affects their emotions big time. Juice or something at least. And besides, food is love.

- LL

Greenkid · Dec 9, 2017

That is very true Lavalamp. my younger grandson gets very grumpy when he's hungry and parents don't always know when their children are hungry.

moss elk · Dec 11, 2017

[video=youtube_share;WV1akgvFknk]https://youtu.be/WV1akgvFknk[/video]

I was reminded of this video.
(Is someone cutting onions?)

Is he involved in any Structured (7) activities where he has duties?

EmMacha · Dec 12, 2017

Thank you,

lavalamp said:
57.3 Using force repeatedly is not effective, will cause him to have bad feelings and you will lose him.

Yes this is the situation with his father now, and the one that I am trying to avoid with him. This is where I was feeling pressure from outside.

57.5 He needs a clear schedule so he knows what to expect. Maybe the flexible nature of his home stay schedule is problematic, perhaps make a written schedule on the wall for his days and stick to it.

That makes sense, this is being worked on with the support worker. He is asking to go to his fathers on the weekends sometimes, he is discussing a change in the schedule himself! He wants it to be predictable, however, it seems he doesn't want to be near his father on school days. His father usually has him in school on time, but a what cost?
My son has given reasons like that his Dad looks like a hobo (he is a bit of a hippy), but what emerged from discussion was that he can go to or walk home from school on his own when he is with me, and he loves the independence, and to hang out with his friends. I suggested to his father that he leave and meet him at the local library, or bring him only to a walking bus.

The Montessori Method of child development teaches that it causes a lot of issues for children when they are expected to adapt to changes a lot, it disturbs their sense of order which is important to them.

the Montessori Method of child development teaches control the environment, not the child. You want to give the child freedom to develop according to their own inner power seeking to express itself, within an environment created by you. In the environment you provide them with the tools they need to naturally develop. He may not have enough to interact with in his environment at home

Very interesting this concept- Control the environment not the child.
It does point right at Hexagram 7 Shih, and organisation.
This has been very tricky for me the last few years, as the house is small & there is a 19yr old brother in the same room (also high functioning ASD, totally different set of needs though, dispraxia, disgraphia, much social anxiety), and a 16 year old, and not much money!
Definitely I have made changes, and I am making changes, and I have noticed that the older two are pulling in behind me, they are shifting things themselves too. I do believe that you have to put what they are interested in in front of them.

Making his phone something he relies on actually for inner work.

Hmm have been trying to do this, there was an old laptop, but he broke it.
I put Debian Junior on it on it and scratch etc, was planning to bring him to the CoderDojo;s but the times have been too tricky, and interfere with my work and/or business or college things.
His Dad was bringing him swimming, but stopped that in May & won't bring him to the coding, he is a bit of a 'Luddite' and doesn't like internet or computers.
But, I think, maybe I should encourage him on the photography aspect? I do send him photos & he sees his sister taking vids of the kittens etc. They are experts at social media, teens, and I think this digital expertise this could provide career options in the future. (I have encouraged his older brother towards animation and game design, as that is mostly what he does anyway, that and listen to political rants on youtube. This kind of work can be done remotely, and on your own schedule, which suits him, he has a unique schedule, and needs to be in his cave sometimes.)

57.6 This line says he needs his own space in his bed. That taking his property is not a good idea, it brings misfortune. Hmm. Perhaps don't take away his cell except in extreme situations. You can limit his internet to a certain amount of time a day

Thanks for that, I hadn't thought of restricting the internet.

My head was just going round and round with all the stress!
I could block it by the MAC address, also block certain websites at the router.

Generally my take on this hex, it points to a well known issue with children like yours, adults trying to get them to conform humiliate them and that causes the most damage to them. Then they lose their own motivation and self confidence, you want to empower them

Yes indeed, that chimes with the over-arching sense I got from Hexagram 57 - the winds and influences blowing through - How do you want your home to be?
What is your home about?
Safety, empowerment, growth for all in it.
Respect, Love and a happy connected family.

If possible with your healthcare get him evaluated (see the great man, those with more experience.)

Yes we are waiting for this, there is a referral crisis here, and a 'Minister will appoint a committee to look into it'.

Best of luck. I'm not on here often BTW.

- Lavalamp

Thank You LavaLamp

,You have given me some food for thought, and some pointers here, filled in the gaps better than the school or social services have B)

EmMacha · Dec 12, 2017

Yes meigga distraction used to work for me when he was younger, but he is very stubborn now, he will not be distracted!
He is a 'tweeny' now...

Hugs, we do have hugs, plenty of hugs

Rescue Remedy, yes I do know it...also had not thought of it!
A glass of water is good for shock too - & I think dehydration can be an issue, he doesn't drink enough liquids

Snowie · Oct 14, 2023

Lavalamp said:
BTW, Maria Montessori observed children in prison with zero resources to work on their personal development would find things to work with, even a bug.
Principles of childhood development are critical to understand with special needs children I think.
All the best.

- LLP

...life can be translucent

57.3.5.6 › 7 difficulty with youngest son (age 11) Autistic?

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