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40 UC Why are guys not into me?

poeticwalking

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I have been frustrated lately, I'm almost 37, never a boyfriend, never sex. Really there are no good answers for this situation that has honestly happened against most probabilities. I've tried many things to meet people and work on myself (tho not changing who I am essentially, just things like working on listening skills, or updating my dress, practicing talking to strangers etc)

Had joined online dating again after taking a couple weeks off (after again frustrations), then had some more dates that were just boring, no connection, or men saying I have issues bc they can tell I have no experience, must be something wrong with me because otherwise "a catch". Most of my online dates have been like this, I never seem to find any type of person that I might be attracted to in real life there tho I assume there must be complimentary dudes there somewhere. Yesterday I got 2 dates who cancelled bc they decided to get serious with someone they were seeing, and then just hearing from remaining single friends in last week or two about how they finally found someone, made me a lil bummed. I still have not had anyone ask me out in real life other than this dude who apparently didn't want a relationship, and then ghosted me/mutual friends earlier this year. That was my closest "relationship" and it consisted of a guy who told me more than once he didn't think he was ready for a relationship, sigh. Well, you live and learn, obviously that was not a good fit. I feel like a big part of the problem is that dudes in real life are never attracted to me for some reason or make any move.

So I asked Yi "Why are men never attracted to me romantically, or make any move to get to know me romantically/physically?" I got 40 UC. My first thought is that maybe this situation is over, it will change and not be the case in the future? Or that somehow I didn't know if people were attracted (they certainly never made a move, and I usually did with guys I liked, they never reciprocated). I guess also releasing this idea that I'm a person dudes aren't attracted to- which I sorta have been, online I got like 30 messages a day the first couple months, tho most were very low quality "heyyyyyy"s. Tho I guess also too it is sorta saying be patient which I'm like, OMG BBQ TURNIP, is 37 years not enough? Jeebus. I really hope it's not just release and accept that men aren't attracted to me. Tho getting to a point where maybe I need to which totally sucks.

Any thoughts? Thanks
 
D

diamanda

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Why are guys not into me? 40 unchanging

LiSe analyses the character as removing the horns, removing aggressiveness or defensiveness. Dictionary definitions for the character include unfasten, untie, loosen. The Image speaks about forgiving mistakes. So overall I'd say don't look for a fault in yourself (your question implies that there's a fault in you). If you did make mistakes, don't dwell on them. As about being aggressive or defensive, think of how you can remove that from the equation, if you think this is a relevant element.

40 unchanging also means body discharge, e.g. ejaculation, and I've noticed it can refer to men who only seek sexual relief and nothing more from a woman. For example, the guys who go "heeyyy" would belong to this category. In fact over 50% of men on dating websites belong to this category as they are already married (in ages over 30-35 most people are). So take into account that the men you've already met probably only needed some quick insignificant relief, and they realised you were not up for that.

To sum up, I'd suggest not concentrating on what's wrong with you (nothing), but on how to increase your luck - as in, where to hang out, what type of places and situations, and so on. Also you might want to consider flings, or sex outside a relationship, to at least get some experience (something like temping before you get a permanent job). That would actually also tie in with 40 unchanging.
 

poeticwalking

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Your data about dudes being married and on online dating seems highly off, maybe it depends on the site, but I'd be curious to know where you got that data. Yes, there is a statistic of just about 50% of people in general in the US being married at any given time, tho that data is skewed with more younger people being single than older ones, and also depending on cities (E coast urban areas=a lot more single people).

I really can't be physically attracted to someone without knowing them first. I think it's hard to explain but people will be like, is this person cute, or that one, I literally cannot feel anything. Just can see if they are like, healthy or not (conversely, if I'm into a dude, whatever they look like suddenly becomes hot? Right.) So I'm not sure how I'd even do anything with a hookup where there is literally no attraction? That sounds like a situation I wouldn't want to be in. Then also with the insecurity of being in what I call a James Brown situation (hit it and quit it), I just, can't. I want to explore sexuality with someone who at least would be open to a relationship at some point down the road instead of straight off saying no, and also someone where there is enough repore that if it isn't super great the first time (which it's probable it won't be, I need to learn) they won't just ditch me right away. Where is someone like that to be found? No clue.

If I had any clue of where to meet dudes who might be interested in me, I'd do it. I don't say no to parties often (not that there are tons at this age, but I don't say no). I'm performing music in public 2-3 times a week. I meet people bc of patients where I work. I go to meetups when I can. I ask friends to set me up (unfortunately they don't know anyone available). If I want to drink coffee, or even a beer or wine, I'll go to corner cafe instead of at home usually. Strike up conversations on the bus or whatever. I also spent a couple years travelling, mostly for reason of travelling, but I thought maybe I might meet someone I'd have things in common with that way, for a relationship. Met great people but no one interested in me (there were 2 guys I liked but they weren't into me). I honestly don't know anything more I can be doing at this point, I really feel I've tried everything.
 

Sun Wukong

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I want to explore sexuality with someone who at least would be open to a relationship at some point down the road instead of straight off saying no, and also someone where there is enough repore that if it isn't super great the first time (which it's probable it won't be, I need to learn) they won't just ditch me right away. Where is someone like that to be found?
A Church. Not a Christian, BTW; however, I feel like you have a much better chance of finding someone like that at a Church. Also, you said you tried EVERYTHING; and, again, I don't want to sound pious, but did you try praying? Please, please, please don't take the above the wrong way. You just literally described exactly what I think of with GOOD church people (Hey maybe try a synagogue,idk).
You asked why guys weren't interested in you. Personally, I feel like this is a bad question (I'm sure some would disagree). Maybe you should ask: What can I do to find a good partner?
Full disclosure: I met my wife at a bar.
Tell us how it goes. Maybe post your follow up question.
 

rosada

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Consider that the physical universe is the answer to a question we have asked. Thus, if you ask, "Why are guys not into me?" you will attract all sorts of situations where guys are not into you. However, if you ask, "Why DO men find me attractive?" you will start attracting men!
 

rosada

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40. Deliverance describes the feeling of calm and relaxation that comes after a release of some sort. It suggests to me that you should lighten up on the whole boyfriend quest. Abandon your search for soul mates and look instead for interesting conversation. Really, 40 says just make your life normal.
Also, my own personal advice is for you to binge watch all the episodes of Sex and The City. It'll totally reprogram your inner computer to stop hooking you up with all the misfits and to start guiding you to real possibilities!
 

poeticwalking

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A Church. Not a Christian, BTW; however, I feel like you have a much better chance of finding someone like that at a Church. Also, you said you tried EVERYTHING; and, again, I don't want to sound pious, but did you try praying? Please, please, please don't take the above the wrong way. You just literally described exactly what I think of with GOOD church people (Hey maybe try a synagogue,idk).
You asked why guys weren't interested in you. Personally, I feel like this is a bad question (I'm sure some would disagree). Maybe you should ask: What can I do to find a good partner?
Full disclosure: I met my wife at a bar.
Tell us how it goes. Maybe post your follow up question.

Yeah, so I'm definitely not religious at all. I do gig in religious places on occasion and I've definitely never met anyone there. Grew up religious and met some of the most narrowminded and hateful people I've ever met there (tho plenty of people who are religious obviously aren't)
Very, very agnostic over here. I think if I was straight up atheist I wouldn't even check out things like Yi. Wishful thinking gets ya nowhere, that's why I prefer something like Yi that makes you think and take action/responsibility for one's choices.

I asked why men weren't interested, only because the data that I have, indicates that men are not interested. I admit I'm probably in a more spiced-up period of time (yay, mid-30s libido maybe?), but I think one has to admit of a drought of 37 years, with NOTHING, is kinda justified to ask a question like that. I'm just really really stuck on what to do or even not do. I've had quite a few periods where I took a break/wasn't into doing anything about my situation- you know, people will always say, you'll find someone when you're not looking. At least for me, only thing that happened in these situations (usually 1-2 years at a time) was just that I was fine with nothing. No dudes were interested in me. Nothing changed.
 

Sun Wukong

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Maybe 40, deliverance means there is something in the works (obviously not directly known). To me, deliverance speaks to a situation where tensions are dissolved (like 37 years worth maybe?). Try the follow up question I suggested.
 

rosada

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Studying 40. Deliverance some more I note it's emphasis on escaping difficulties but there is not a strong indication of what to do then. So as a response to "Why aren't guys into me?" it seems to be saying, "You know what you don't want but you're not clear on what you do want."

Interesting that 40. Deliverance follows Obstruction as in "Deliverance from Obstructions" and the last line of Obstructions advises that to overcome obstructions one ought align with someone with whom one can achieve their purpose. So again, to be delivered from obstructions one needs to be clear about your larger life purpose, otherwise how can you know who to align with? Make a list of things you want to experience, achieve in the next six months - clean closets, write thank you notes, do a marathon, fall in love, save the whales - don't think about it too much, don't worry about whether the ideas are practical, just see how many you can come up with. As you bring your goals up into our consciousness you will start to be guided to those with similar interests. Also you could give your unconscious a bit of a threat - "If you haven't found me someone to love by New Year's Eve I'm going to sign up for sky diving." Ha! That will get the elves motivated!

If you're not enthusiastic about the idea of prayer you might feel more comfortable with thinking of it as self hypnosis? Who cares what you call it if it works? Go to youtube for the song Mr. Sandman. Play it every night before you fall asleep!

Good luck and keep us posted!
rosada
 

poeticwalking

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I did end up asking that followup question soon after (What can I do to find a good partner?) and actually got another UC! This time 35. Which is sorta good, but frustrating? I feel like it's just saying, kinda stick it out. Be patient. Things are happening unseen, just chill. Which is exact opposite of how I'm feeling at times! I always put my nose to the grindstone when there is something I want to work on, and this is the one area of my life where if I do something, nothing happens (or occasionally I think it'll happen, but I get rejected, at least I know then though), if I do nothing, nothing happens. It can be hard to retain optimism in the face of that for sure.

Rosada who was saying how I want my life to be- I really feel like I've done most of the things I wanted (travelled the world for a couple years, hiked some big trails, have had careers in music, science, and health). I have a good balance of different jobs in these careers that are also fulfilling, but everything is still part time and flexible enough that I can keep doing long distance trails, or if I wanted to travel I could, or have time for personal projects etc. Have been saving a good deal from work since I moved back here about a year ago and even bought a "new" [used] car (it's more luxury than necessity) which gives me even more freedom and flexibility. I'm friends with the people I gig with, we all hang out apart from here and other interests besides music are pretty well aligned. Pretty grateful these days for these experiences, my life setup, my health (the whole setup I have currently allows me to stay in good mental/physical shape by being able to hike still), food, etc. It may seem unconventional to quite a few people but I kinda feel I'm livin the life. Only part that is missing I feel like is the romantic slice, and I just don't know what to do about it.

Sky diving sounds horrible. I see what you are saying but I feel like that's gonna just make me go sky diving which is no bueno para mi, haha. I puked in a hot air balloon, and it was attached to the ground.
 

poeticwalking

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Oh I also figured, why not, ask the other question someone suggested (not sure if it was facetious or not, but why not): Why ARE men attracted to me? (this is a question I hesitate to ask, as I've not had much or any evidence of men being attracted to me, at least in real life/not drunk people/not online dating.

I got a super weird 41.1.2.4.5, which maybe would say it's because of unselfishness, humility/self-respect, frugality, and turtle shells? Um, that sounds good I guess. Haha. Well, I guess time to stop bothering Yi about this. At any rate I'm going out of town for a couple weeks on a big hike in a few days so will be isolated from all this. My friend suggested I break from online until the end of the year, I agreed it's a good idea to clear things out and then I can re-evaluate if that's even for me.
 

Trojina

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So I asked Yi "Why are men never attracted to me romantically, or make any move to get to know me romantically/physically?" I got 40 UC. My first thought is that maybe this situation is over, it will change and not be the case in the future? Or that somehow I didn't know if people were attracted (they certainly never made a move, and I usually did with guys I liked, they never reciprocated). I guess also releasing this idea that I'm a person dudes aren't attracted to- which I sorta have been, online I got like 30 messages a day the first couple months, tho most were very low quality "heyyyyyy"s. Tho I guess also too it is sorta saying be patient which I'm like, OMG BBQ TURNIP, is 37 years not enough? Jeebus. I really hope it's not just release and accept that men aren't attracted to me. Tho getting to a point where maybe I need to which totally sucks.



I haven't read the whole thread so I'm not sure if someone hasn't already said this but 40uc certainly indicates to me this isn't a problem in the way you may now think of it as a problem. Indeed you can let go of it being a problem at all. How relaxing :) What if you are fine as you are, nothing wrong with you at all it's just in this life you are not called to be in that kind of relationship. Not everyone is and that's fine.

Before you smash the computer over my head, understandably, what I'm also thinking is rather than ask 'why aren't guys into me' you consider why you aren't into guys. Turn it around and own it rather than see yourself as subject to it as a judgement. I would think somewhere deep down you don't especially want the kind of relationship you feel you are meant to want. We are heavily programmed from birth that the way to bliss is through a relationship, one to one happily ever after..or even not. It's not true. I heard a sermon the other day where the vicar was saying how the church wrongly can give the impression that marriage is the ideal state but, and he took readings to show it, being single is also a calling even a potentially higher calling as all the energy that would be focused into keeping one other person happy can be channelled to God or one's own calling etc. I recognised this a true, I recognised not everyone is called to marriage and that's fine.


You aren't talking about marriage but just a relationship and it's perfectly understandable why you would feel really frustrated with how things are. I don't think the reading is saying 'give up guys aren't attracted to you' because that would be nonsensical. Think of how many men there are in the world it seems highly unlikely none of them would find you attractive. However it might be the case that actually you don't find them that attractive ? Or you find some attractive but you don't really want to get involved ? You see if you turn it around and own this as your choice on some level (and it may not be a level you can immediately access) it becomes much more interesting.


Excluding possibilities of early trauma and so on that might put a person off intimacy it is an interesting question to yourself 'why have I chosen not to go down this road ?'.


40 says clearly 'if there is something to be done then do it and if there isn't then don't'.



Oh I also figured, why not, ask the other question someone suggested (not sure if it was facetious or not, but why not): Why ARE men attracted to me? (this is a question I hesitate to ask, as I've not had much or any evidence of men being attracted to me, at least in real life/not drunk people/not online dating.


Hmm yes I think Rosada suggested that. It's not a question I could work with here because if you have deeply chosen not to be in a relationship (I mean on a deep level) then actually that choice is valid and you don't need to convince yourself that you should be.

I got a super weird 41.1.2.4.5, which maybe would say it's because of unselfishness, humility/self-respect, frugality, and turtle shells? Um, that sounds good I guess. Haha. Well, I guess time to stop bothering Yi about this. At any rate I'm going out of town for a couple weeks on a big hike in a few days so will be isolated from all this. My friend suggested I break from online until the end of the year, I agreed it's a good idea to clear things out and then I can re-evaluate if that's even for me.


I think your friend is right and I think this answer confirms it. I don't feel it answers that question because well I just don't see it that way. I think it's asking you to give these thoughts a lot less of your time and energy right now. 41.1.2.4.5 changes to 12. I think it's a good idea to break from online dating etc etc and it will be beneficial to simply stop worrying about it all. If something comes up for you in terms of relationship then good, if it doesn't it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you it means your focus is elsewhere. I think this answer shows that by quitting worrying you really benefit in unseen ways. It seems it actually brings blessings for you to stop worrying and 40uc simply shows there are no complicated knots to untie, you're doing okay. Go and enjoy yourself.
 

Trojina

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PS I think I agree with other posters generally that it's a good idea to turn the question around which I think is what Rosada was suggesting.


FWIW I think it can be very empowering to see circumstances as choice. Sometimes seemingly weird choices one doesn't understand why one would make yet often with hindsight one can see one has and with good reason. Not all circumstances can be seen as choice of course but it is helpful just to play around in your mind 'what if I chose this ?'.
 

rosada

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"My friend suggested I take a break from online for the rest of the year, I agreed its a good idea to clear things out and then I can re-evaluate if it's even for me."
Sounds like hexagram 40. Deliverance!
 

rosada

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Looking at 41. Decrease for why men ARE attracted to you...
Do I understand correctly that you are a nurse or somehow connected with the healing profession? I wonder if 41. is referring to the people that you have tended to and helped? The Judgement could be read as describing you as you appear to them, that is, when you acting as their care giver you appear as a strong straight forward woman of wide experience that is willing to share what you have" - and they love you for it! Then looking at the Image for 41 and how "The superior person diminishes anger and controls desires." Do you think you have a gift for calming people? Or do you get mad yourself? Maybe you need to be reaaallly calm to feel the love. Meditation invitation?

Well, enjoy your time out! Stay away from sky divers!
Rosada
 

poeticwalking

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Yeah, I'm an acupuncturist (as well as a musician) professionally. I also have spent considerable time the last few years travelling and hiking (um, like, for months at a time).

People usually say I'm pretty chill so I guess more that. Kind of hilarious, this lady in the coffee shop I'm in literally just came up to me and said, you look so relaxed! Which is funny to me, I think I was more just not awake yet (where's the caffeeeeiiiine?) haha.

Still don't know where these dudes are who feel that about me tho. I could see a guy appreciating that about me, especially lately I've been observing how some of my friends treat their SO, I'm just appalled at times. I have one older guy colleague in particular that always compliments me about that and other stuff, he's very supportive and thinks I'm just a late bloomer. Unfortunately he doesn't have any single friends to set me up with, oh well.
 

poeticwalking

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So anyway as a followup, at the end of the year I met a wonderful man...who also was in a similar boat of almost no relationship and sexual experience. His experience was slightly different in that he was being picky and not settling at all (he was always the one to reject; I've never had a guy like me back previously) but holy moly, does he like me! And actual me, I was very worried at first that he was just fascinated by a projection of me, but with couple months time it really does seem like he accepts who I am unconditionally. Also we communicate really well with each other and the sexual stuff we are taking at a very comfortable pace, we are both happy with it. It is such a relief and really feels very healthy - especially when I feel like other friends are so often complaining about their partners, in a disrespectful and/or $h!t talking manner. My boyfriend and I have a lot of similar or complimentary interests which is really great, also we both like but don't want kids, and just feel "wired" for something monogamous, so the values stuff is really lined up. I guess we are two rare birds who luckily crossed paths. I met him online as I was literally deleting my dating profile "for the last time".
 

marybluesky

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So anyway as a followup, at the end of the year I met a wonderful man...who also was in a similar boat of almost no relationship and sexual experience. His experience was slightly different in that he was being picky and not settling at all (he was always the one to reject; I've never had a guy like me back previously) but holy moly, does he like me! And actual me, I was very worried at first that he was just fascinated by a projection of me, but with couple months time it really does seem like he accepts who I am unconditionally. Also we communicate really well with each other and the sexual stuff we are taking at a very comfortable pace, we are both happy with it. It is such a relief and really feels very healthy - especially when I feel like other friends are so often complaining about their partners, in a disrespectful and/or $h!t talking manner. My boyfriend and I have a lot of similar or complimentary interests which is really great, also we both like but don't want kids, and just feel "wired" for something monogamous, so the values stuff is really lined up. I guess we are two rare birds who luckily crossed paths. I met him online as I was literally deleting my dating profile "for the last time".
OMG delightful news! Should be amazing to meet someone similar after such a long waiting. I feel really happy to hear that... and while receiving hexagram 40 always brings relief, in your context it seems very auspicious. Thanks for the update!
 

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