38.1 & 58.2 looking outside the relationship?

[kestrelw1ngs]

Hello, this is only my second time posting, been a lurker in these threads for quite some time. Things have come to a head in my personal life and the Yijing continues to communicate that outside perspective would be helpful.



Long story: I am in a turbulent relationship that has been off and on, did to both parties insecurity and immaturity (hexagram 4 has come up as we have unique circumstances of 'growing up' and going through changes together) as well as very difficult outside circumstances. For instance that for financial reasons, we are living in the home where her mother died years ago, with her father with whom she has a bad relationship.

However all divination and messages I've received have continued to encourage commitment to this person, while being aware she does not have the same level of emotional availability, as it would be good for both of us practically (Marrying Maiden came up quite often), and I cannot financially afford to move out on my own. Plus there is a deeper connection we share that comes out from time to time when it is not blocked by trauma responses, practical concerns and anxieties, and I love her very much.

One of the sticking points lately, as we have gotten back together, is that from the start our agreement has been to have an open relationship, as that is a bottom line for her. It has mostly been her seeking out other connections, usually for superficial or sexual reasons, and she has no problem seeking these out when our communication is blocked. In the past I have "freaked out" over this as it seemed she was using other people to avoid or punish me. As a consequence things were quite bitter between us for awhile, and only recently have been readdressed.

I also have dallied with a few other people, but at the end of the day feel unable to connect the way I want to with them so long as there is trouble at home, and my own depression and insecurities remain unaddressed.
To me relationships are a spiritual matter, I agree with the principle of open partnerships but to me solving the primary partners' disconnection should come first, and before that, individual disconnection from the self.

And I do crave to feel like a priority, or that her desire for others does not detract from a desire for me.

So she met someone recently after insisting what she needs to heal in the relationship is to sleep around and feel free (because I had a brief fling while we were estranged while she was too busy to)....who is "better" than me in every way. More accomplished, taller, active, fit, interesting, etc. I'm fairly aware of my own insecurities on this front but still chose to trust her with this connection as I can tell she is very excited about it and she reassured me that it doesn't change her commitment to our larger goals. Also I have a good friend with whom romantic feelings are beginning to bloom, she is aware of this and has no problem with it.

However with her, it's not just the one guy. She continues to bring up every "cute" person she encounters at work, is seeking more matches on dating apps, and insists on making it a daily topic of conversation. If I have a problem with it she blames my insecurities rather than reaching out of herself to consider my feelings, or acts as though my feelings should dictate her choices. When all I am asking is that they be heard, acknowledged, and recieve reassurance.

I feel frustrated by this endless appetite for new people romantically (never as friends) also because she is barely keeping up with her prior commitments at home, such as sharing housework, care of our pets, or spending quality time with me, and working 50+ hours a week. Her busyness has led her to be short, stressed and irritable. At this time my pointing this out is too touchy an area. she perceives it as criticism of her and shuts down or blames it on her ADHD.

I'd also rather talk about our shared interests and passions for the arts and spirituality rather than "hot" people as I'm not sure what is even expected of me when this comes up? It feels like a dead end for conversation. But I am wondering if there is some deeper reason she insists on this topic.

_____________________

Question:

"What is driving X to continue to seek out new connections and put so much focus on them?"

Answer:

Received 38.2 >21

38. Estranged
Line 2:
Meeting a master in the street.
Without fault.

The other person is on this occasion in a position of power. Nothing wrong with that.


___________

Browsing forums has not given me much insight, (probably because foolishly, I asked the Yi to tell what is going on in HER head/heart.)

But I would interpret this as....she is seeking a master? Someone to tell her what to do?

She feels estranged from me and is looking for someone with "an inner affinity"?

As in, a better match, but feels prevented by circumstances to be honest about this, and is leading me on?

I simply want to know if I am projecting,
Or truly being lied to about her intentions.

If so, I can make plans to extract myself and maintain some dignity, as currently I am running her household, helping her with problems, but not receiving almost anything in return romantically.

However, if this is pointing to "biting through" our problems as she is merely seeking these flings to exert her individuality and see if I will respect it....that is different.
And if there will be a reunion once this issue is "bitten through," I do not mind a period of distance.


Prior to this I asked Yijing


"how should I approach communication with X about chores and problems?"

And received

58.1 > 47


Which I interpreted 47 to mean the general atmosphere of exhaustion and depression in our circumstances. But 58 seems quite positive, an encouragment to stand strong in myself, and communicate quite openly.
Or to focus on pleasure, as in making communications pleasant or putting pleasure first.

I am not sure how to reconcile these readings!


Many thanks


Kestrel

 

[Luise74]

Hello, this is only my second time posting, been a lurker in these threads for quite some time. Things have come to a head in my personal life and the Yijing continues to communicate that outside perspective would be helpful.



Long story: I am in a turbulent relationship that has been off and on, did to both parties insecurity and immaturity (hexagram 4 has come up as we have unique circumstances of 'growing up' and going through changes together) as well as very difficult outside circumstances. For instance that for financial reasons, we are living in the home where her mother died years ago, with her father with whom she has a bad relationship.

However all divination and messages I've received have continued to encourage commitment to this person, while being aware she does not have the same level of emotional availability, as it would be good for both of us practically (Marrying Maiden came up quite often), and I cannot financially afford to move out on my own. Plus there is a deeper connection we share that comes out from time to time when it is not blocked by trauma responses, practical concerns and anxieties, and I love her very much.

One of the sticking points lately, as we have gotten back together, is that from the start our agreement has been to have an open relationship, as that is a bottom line for her. It has mostly been her seeking out other connections, usually for superficial or sexual reasons, and she has no problem seeking these out when our communication is blocked. In the past I have "freaked out" over this as it seemed she was using other people to avoid or punish me. As a consequence things were quite bitter between us for awhile, and only recently have been readdressed.

I also have dallied with a few other people, but at the end of the day feel unable to connect the way I want to with them so long as there is trouble at home, and my own depression and insecurities remain unaddressed.
To me relationships are a spiritual matter, I agree with the principle of open partnerships but to me solving the primary partners' disconnection should come first, and before that, individual disconnection from the self.

And I do crave to feel like a priority, or that her desire for others does not detract from a desire for me.

So she met someone recently after insisting what she needs to heal in the relationship is to sleep around and feel free (because I had a brief fling while we were estranged while she was too busy to)....who is "better" than me in every way. More accomplished, taller, active, fit, interesting, etc. I'm fairly aware of my own insecurities on this front but still chose to trust her with this connection as I can tell she is very excited about it and she reassured me that it doesn't change her commitment to our larger goals. Also I have a good friend with whom romantic feelings are beginning to bloom, she is aware of this and has no problem with it.

However with her, it's not just the one guy. She continues to bring up every "cute" person she encounters at work, is seeking more matches on dating apps, and insists on making it a daily topic of conversation. If I have a problem with it she blames my insecurities rather than reaching out of herself to consider my feelings, or acts as though my feelings should dictate her choices. When all I am asking is that they be heard, acknowledged, and recieve reassurance.

I feel frustrated by this endless appetite for new people romantically (never as friends) also because she is barely keeping up with her prior commitments at home, such as sharing housework, care of our pets, or spending quality time with me, and working 50+ hours a week. Her busyness has led her to be short, stressed and irritable. At this time my pointing this out is too touchy an area. she perceives it as criticism of her and shuts down or blames it on her ADHD.

I'd also rather talk about our shared interests and passions for the arts and spirituality rather than "hot" people as I'm not sure what is even expected of me when this comes up? It feels like a dead end for conversation. But I am wondering if there is some deeper reason she insists on this topic.

_____________________

Question:

"What is driving X to continue to seek out new connections and put so much focus on them?"

Answer:

Received 38.2 >21

38. Estranged
Line 2:
Meeting a master in the street.
Without fault.

The other person is on this occasion in a position of power. Nothing wrong with that.


___________

Browsing forums has not given me much insight, (probably because foolishly, I asked the Yi to tell what is going on in HER head/heart.)

But I would interpret this as....she is seeking a master? Someone to tell her what to do?

She feels estranged from me and is looking for someone with "an inner affinity"?

As in, a better match, but feels prevented by circumstances to be honest about this, and is leading me on?

I simply want to know if I am projecting,
Or truly being lied to about her intentions.

If so, I can make plans to extract myself and maintain some dignity, as currently I am running her household, helping her with problems, but not receiving almost anything in return romantically.

However, if this is pointing to "biting through" our problems as she is merely seeking these flings to exert her individuality and see if I will respect it....that is different.
And if there will be a reunion once this issue is "bitten through," I do not mind a period of distance.


Prior to this I asked Yijing


"how should I approach communication with X about chores and problems?"

And received

58.1 > 47


Which I interpreted 47 to mean the general atmosphere of exhaustion and depression in our circumstances. But 58 seems quite positive, an encouragment to stand strong in myself, and communicate quite openly.
Or to focus on pleasure, as in making communications pleasant or putting pleasure first.

I am not sure how to reconcile these readings!


Many thanks


Kestrel

So sorry for you. Maybe I am wrong but to me it seems clear that 54 is a marryibg Maiden far from marriage. You will be exhausted and to my feeling you should run. Take what s yours even if for the beginning you can only afford a small room in a shared place. It has nothing to do with defaults your side but you are losing self conscience and self respect letting all this happen. 38 could be a nice new relation? Run away, dear, wish you all the best.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

So sorry for you. Maybe I am wrong but to me it seems clear that 54 is a marryibg Maiden far from marriage. You will be exhausted and to my feeling you should run. Take what s yours even if for the beginning you can only afford a small room in a shared place. It has nothing to do with defaults your side but you are losing self conscience and self respect letting all this happen. 38 could be a nice new relation? Run away, dear, wish you all the best.

thank you for the well wishes.
I have thought the same with this but something this far has kept me here as I have also received hexagrams indicating she is family to me (37).

It seems a trial of faith. I am simply trying to see if she is someone I can have faith in.

I asked

"What is the character of X/can I have faith in her?"

And recieved

27 .2.3>26

Not acknowledging a desire....this sounds not positive. Like I need to have a plan for what I want next. *Sigh*

I really do not want to deal with the enormous weight of a breakup right now....to face how much effort I have put in to this relationship for it all to dissolve feels such a waste....all of the resources we share...

On Taoscopy the nuclear for this answer is

54.1.2.4 (54 > 2) - Assistance
One needs to tell others how one really feels

Perhaps this is the "biting through."

 

[becalm]

Sometimes for me Hex 37 can be a Comfort zone. It's familiar. Like if you experienced similar treatment in some way in your family even if it's unhealthy or toxic.

 

[diamant]

What is driving X to continue to seek out new connections and put so much focus on them?
38.2 > 21
But I would interpret this as....she is seeking a master? Someone to tell her what to do?
She feels estranged from me and is looking for someone with "an inner affinity"?
I never thought about this combination in the light you described. It sounds so accurate. She is your master, so in turn she needs a master. She is definitely estranged from you, very estranged from your description, what's going on between you doesn't sound like a relationship at all. 38.2 is an informal meeting, perhaps an accidental meeting, one for which no formalities are necessary. 21 is a painful punishment (is she into S&M?). She is being highly cruel to you, so perhaps she's seeking someone to be cruel to her.

how should I approach communication with X about chores and problems?
58.1 > 47
This cast shows someone who is supposed to be happy by themselves, but in effect they end up quite distressed by loneliness. So, how to approach communication about chores, tell her that you're unhappy to be doing them all by yourself.

What is the character of X/can I have faith in her?
27.2.3 > 26
She is seeking 'nourishment' (sexual partners) in all the wrong places (27.2). She is consuming 'food' which isn't really food, and this brings misfortune (27.3). Is it possible she's taking drugs? 26 shows a big animal, and mentions not eating at home. Her home with you obviously doesn't mean anything substantial to her. Her character is to seek nourishment improperly and not eat at home. What faith can you have in such a person? She's basically saying to you "to fix our relationship, I will do anything to break it further".

to face how much effort I have put in to this relationship for it all to dissolve feels such a waste
This is a trap. It's how gambling addicts lose everything. "I've already bet so much and lost it, now I want my payback." Thus they bet and invest more, they lose more, till they end up with nothing. Be careful please. Sometimes it's better to cut our losses before we get completely destroyed.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

What is driving X to continue to seek out new connections and put so much focus on them?
38.2 > 21
But I would interpret this as....she is seeking a master? Someone to tell her what to do?
She feels estranged from me and is looking for someone with "an inner affinity"?
I never thought about this combination in the light you described. It sounds so accurate. She is your master, so in turn she needs a master. She is definitely estranged from you, very estranged from your description, what's going on between you doesn't sound like a relationship at all. 38.2 is an informal meeting, perhaps an accidental meeting, one for which no formalities are necessary. 21 is a painful punishment (is she into S&M?). She is being highly cruel to you, so perhaps she's seeking someone to be cruel to her.

how should I approach communication with X about chores and problems?
58.1 > 47
This cast shows someone who is supposed to be happy by themselves, but in effect they end up quite distressed by loneliness. So, how to approach communication about chores, tell her that you're unhappy to be doing them all by yourself.

What is the character of X/can I have faith in her?
27.2.3 > 26
She is seeking 'nourishment' (sexual partners) in all the wrong places (27.2). She is consuming 'food' which isn't really food, and this brings misfortune (27.3). Is it possible she's taking drugs? 26 shows a big animal, and mentions not eating at home. Her home with you obviously doesn't mean anything substantial to her. Her character is to seek nourishment improperly and not eat at home. What faith can you have in such a person? She's basically saying to you "to fix our relationship, I will do anything to break it further".

to face how much effort I have put in to this relationship for it all to dissolve feels such a waste
This is a trap. It's how gambling addicts lose everything. "I've already bet so much and lost it, now I want my payback." Thus they bet and invest more, they lose more, till they end up with nothing. Be careful please. Sometimes it's better to cut our losses before we get completely destroyed.

Thank you, your interpretation of 27.2.3 is very helpful. Yes, she attempted to beat one addiction but has ended up developing an alcohol dependency in its place.
I am highly aware of her seeking wrong nourishment, but also wonder if it is an admonishment to me for seeking nourishment I know she cannot provide from her.

I have shared a very negative spin on everything due to where my head has been the past few days, and perhaps did not share some of my behaviors that ran this relationship afoul as well, such as being quite controlling and jealous.


Update, however:
Last night she attempted to make dinner and do some chores. I was happy for this, but it resulted in her staying up very late due to ADHD and her lashing out because this would make her late for work, even though at the same time she was admitting its not my fault. I withdrew rather than take the abuse, but decided to try a different way of communication, rather than as usual telling her what I didn't like.

I sent a message of appreciation for the dinner and emphasized that although it felt nice to relax for a change, I do not wish to force her to do anything, and understand she is trying to reclaim her autonomy. She responded this morning positively with an apology for lashing out, and it created an invitation to share why housework matters to me but, exactly as you interpreted 58.1, i do not like doing it alone or being the 'manager.'
I proposed outside help, maybe a housecleaning service.


She is into BDSM! And initially in the relationship saw me as the 'master' but I soon grew uncomfortable in the role as I could tell she did not understand how to set boundaries or communicate her desires. Very dangerous for a sub. And to be honest, I was completely closed off from receiving, now that i have done some work to open to this, I found she liked me better as a closed off and aggressive dom. It does make for some passion in the bedroom! My emotions simply took precedence for me.

I was also expected to be in charge completely OUTSIDE the bedroom and that quickly became toxic. She has grown a lot in this account, but the emotional dynamic between us has become reversed and bitter as it seems I "failed" the expectations of a man or master to her. And my reaction to love being conditional on this performance was rage, projection, and to be honest, some emotional abuse.

Very funny in retrospect as my previous partner found me too masculine and aggressive! Just can't get it right with gender roles

This is her first serious relationship and I have received many changing lines of 18, specifically 18.3, in inquiry about problems, and she has compared me to her father several times (they have a very strained relationship in which he supports her financially/does things for her, unwillingly and she lashes out at him in retribution for childhood harm).

So it seems obvious that there is projection of "the sins of the father" going on. And that has nothing to do with me.


You are right that what we have is not much a 'real' relationship but I have received many signs of karmic ties and soul bondage/twin flame between us, including literal visions of two flames bending in the wind, their purpose being to straighten and stand tall in themselves, and early in the relationship received dreams and communication from her mother, who passed away. The Yijing has made it clear multiple times this is a relationship that is more about what I can give than what I can 'get' and is a delay in my worldly ambitions, but not without purpose. And we both have been completely changed as people by it.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Maybe it seems I am a fool for sticking with this, but this morning after a touching dream about a tree in the wrong place (parking lot), I decided to ask the Yijing again, quite seriously, what I should do next.


What is my next step?

39.1 OBSTRUCTION

(I have received 39 many many times before as well, with signs about "the southwest" which is interesting because we were considering moving to a place northeast, and a place southwest on the coast, which is what she wanted more. but here seems to be about the line 1)

Wilhelm's commentary on the Image is:

The Image​

Difficulties and obstructions throw a man back upon himself. While the inferior man seeks to put the blame on other persons, bewailing his fate, the superior man seeks the error within himself, and through this introspection the external obstacle becomes for him an occasion for inner enrichment and education.

How do I face this situation?

10 STEPPING UC

What will be the results if I move away/out on my own?

29 ABYSS UC


What will be the results of sticking to this current path?

7.2>2 ARMY

My interpretation after browsing the forums for this last one is that
many would retreat from this situation, or run immediately, but right now is time for correct action, and to focus on developing the self and negotiating the situation with strategy to minimize harm to all parties.

This resonates as coming into this relationship, I had severe trauma from being "dropped" or cast out abruptly from several different communities, relationships, and even my family for religious reasons. A hasty/messy exit would merely bring up all that old pain and be a repetition of loss, as it would cause a schism in our online & real life community as we have many shared aquaintances and long distance friends.

When we met, I was quite a reactive person prone to blowing up, taking on unasked for tasks and developing many resentments, quite childish with a victim complex and anger towards the world. I neglected the relationship and sought solace "eating away from home" just as she now is doing.

So she and I were a match I was very enamored of her potential when all along it was mine that has been asking for attention!

Now this is a breaking point where we are both asked to 'grow up' and I have no control over whether or not she will do so. My task is to come back to my center and cultivate leadership/discipline in my self.
Perhaps to seek a teacher. I have been considering martial arts classes and trying to get back into working out & eating right, and am doing pretty deep trauma healing around discipline & self-worth with my current therapist, so this checks out!

Accepting the demise of my hopes about this relationship, I feel better in the way you might feel better after taking some very bitter medicine that gives you nausea and dizzyness, but then begins to work internally.

its very funny that the masculine image she was disappointed not to find in me is now being developed in me, but not through external parameters (size, appearance, dominance - there's that 26 "big animal") as she projected.

Instead of conforming to her expectations of domineering masculinity, my "rite of passage" is in rejecting it to develop my own sense of what manhood is for me.

Sometimes lessons are learned deepest by deepest opposition! Shadow work, eh?
Our zodiac charts have at least 4 oppositions, and several squares, so entering this relationship I was very aware it would be full of challenge. Taurus meets Scorpio (I'll let you guess who is which )


At the very least she has expressed gratitude to me many times for the 'help' and the 'lessons' she has learned in this relationship, and I can see it all coming to a peaceable end when the timing is right.

Who knows, maybe she will come to her senses about her behavior and we will end as good friends after some time to heal. I truly have faith in her future, she is very unique, intelligent, powerful and beautiful, with a strong sense of what she wants. Just has a lot of pain to alchemize and healing to do to take responsibility for herself, and I can only take so much of the fallout. We are both young and have much life to live!

Either way, I will be shifting gears to develop myself and form some friendships/mentorships in the meanwhile.
______________________________________
These people's thread was quite helpful in coming to this interpretation:

"39 in general is, I have met my obstruction and it is me. Even if an external matter, thing or person is blocking my flow, I am the one who lacks things such as trust, patience and resourcefulness to spend some time behind the obstruction until my depth deepens and water rises so that I can make my way past the obstruction. This is what is shown in line 1 especially, since it's the initial contact with the obstruction. Going is obstructed, coming meets with progress. That is, coming back to oneself."

And this:

 

[redoleander]

It’s interesting, this second set of readings does seem to validate staying for the time being (although maybe someone more experienced will think otherwise! That’s how it appears to me though.)

What she’s looking for, in your original question, 38.2 to me says she’s just desperate for connection. Even friendly connection. It might not just be friendly, I feel it could go either way tbh, but I have seen 38.2 come up when someone is having a hard time and just needs support and will take it from wherever. I feel like it’s neutral and it depends a lot on the situation whether this connection is appropriate or not.

The character of X 27.2.3 > 26 is looking for support in the wrong places. Chases what isn’t nourishing. Rejects what is. This is a big thing to “fix” (26). It’s a bigger issue than just being situational (it’s character, like your question said)

58.1 sounds like you have no choice (47) but to be content doing these things yourself 58.1 and you will have to be the one who brings yourself joy and ease, for better or worse.

It sounds like she’s struggling with a lot of issues. Those aren’t going away any time soon. Everything takes two though! So, there’s a reason, or many, you’re with this person. You seem to be aware of some of those things. I would keep digging. You can’t change her. So, given that, get as much help as you can for understanding your own attachment style and why you ended up in this dynamic. Maybe even ask about that? It’s not always that we stay with someone to have a happily ever after scenario. Sometimes it’s just about learning what needs to be learned and then finding the healthiest way to move forward.

I don’t really know a definite answer, more just that you’re seeing major deficits in the situation that will not be quickly or easily fixed, especially because addiction is involved. Understanding what feels comfortable and familiar about this kind of person might be important.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

It’s interesting, this second set of readings does seem to validate staying for the time being (although maybe someone more experienced will think otherwise! That’s how it appears to me though.)

What she’s looking for, in your original question, 38.2 to me says she’s just desperate for connection. Even friendly connection. It might not just be friendly, I feel it could go either way tbh, but I have seen 38.2 come up when someone is having a hard time and just needs support and will take it from wherever. I feel like it’s neutral and it depends a lot on the situation whether this connection is appropriate or not.

The character of X 27.2.3 > 26 is looking for support in the wrong places. Chases what isn’t nourishing. Rejects what is. This is a big thing to “fix” (26). It’s a bigger issue than just being situational (it’s character, like your question said)

58.1 sounds like you have no choice (47) but to be content doing these things yourself 58.1 and you will have to be the one who brings yourself joy and ease, for better or worse.

It sounds like she’s struggling with a lot of issues. Those aren’t going away any time soon. Everything takes two though! So, there’s a reason, or many, you’re with this person. You seem to be aware of some of those things. I would keep digging. You can’t change her. So, given that, get as much help as you can for understanding your own attachment style and why you ended up in this dynamic. Maybe even ask about that? It’s not always that we stay with someone to have a happily ever after scenario. Sometimes it’s just about learning what needs to be learned and then finding the healthiest way to move forward.

I don’t really know a definite answer, more just that you’re seeing major deficits in the situation that will not be quickly or easily fixed, especially because addition is involved. Understanding what feels comfortable and familiar about this kind of person might be important.

Thank you. I think that is the question I have been avoiding to ask as it will give me a sort of "end point."

And yes, it's become very clear that she is really having a hard time. She sometimes breaks down and expresses a great deal of pain around her losses and family of origin, and it simply is beyond something that can be healed merely by witness. She has much rage at life for what has happened and is deeply attached to the notion that "getting even" or having revenge, or turning back energy will help when, from the outside, I see it only further embedding her in hurt. She has quite clearly said she's not ready or willing to change this about herself and that saddens me because I just don't see a way to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who acts in this way. Revenge may make sense for blood debts, but I can't feel safe to make 'mistakes' in love if I know there will always have to be an "equal" punishment. It's simply inhumane, although I don't think anyone is obligated to forgive those who hurt them or ignore the wound (which is more of my tendency) anymore.


Your reply helped me connect the dots that A. yes she is probably just seeking friendly connection since things are so tense between us and she has expressed wanting "nice times" and B. There is an element of revenge or getting even in her seeking out other company, as much as I don't want to see it that way, since that is where she "seeks nourishment. She felt wronged when I met with someone new and was intimate without explicitly communicating that would happen /that night/. She knew I was on a date so I didnt feel it was a grievous wrong but to be fair I was acting at the time quite controlling and demanding more communication from her around sex, and she was too busy herself to immediately retaliate. So this, I think, is "getting even" for that, even though I apologized and have changed my behavior and sought repair. It would seem she isn't ready to forgive yet and that may be what this waiting is about, since we have both been clear about wanting friendship if things end between us.


This gives me quite a wave of sadness and compassion. I have been harsh on her trying to meet my own needs for connection and wish I could make amends in some way without "punishment" because it truly is tearing open some deep wounds.

What a mess, I have much to reflect on moving forward and will ask the Yi that more personal question.

Thank you all for your dialogue.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Okay interesting. I'm too tired to interpret right now but this seems less painful of an answer than expected.

I asked Yi
"What is comfortable and familiar about Xanati? Why am I still drawn here?"

42>56

42​		56​
	changing to

Hexagram 42, Increasing​

Key Questions​

What would you do if you knew you were blessed?
What if there were no limits?
What could change for the better?

Oracle​

'Increasing, fruitful to have a direction to go.
Fruitful to cross the great river.'

The old Chinese character for Increasing shows a pot filled to overflowing. It means blessing and superabundance, like the timely rain that brings a rich harvest.

Increase simply flows, without limit; there is no need for restrictive frameworks to contain it, but only for tools to work with it. When you are blessed, it is good to respond with purpose and movement: participating in the increase, pouring more in, you receive more in return. Let yourself imagine where you want to be, and take the first steps that commit you to going there. This is how to keep the momentum.

Image​

'Wind and thunder: Increasing.
A noble one sees improvement, and so she changes.
When there is excess, she corrects it.'

Sequence​

Increasing follows from Hexagram 41, Decreasing:
'Decreasing and not reaching an end must mean Increasing.'

Changing Lines​

Line 1​

'Fruitful to use this to make great beginnings.
From the source, good fortune, no mistake.'

Line 3​

'Increased by means of disaster work,
Not a mistake.
With truth and confidence, moving to the centre,
Notify the prince using a jade baton.'

Line 4​

'Moving to the centre,
Notify the prince, he follows.
Fruitful to use this to inspire trust in moving the city.'

Line 5​

'True and confident, with a benevolent heart,
No question: good fortune from the source.
Truth, confidence and benevolence are my own strength.'

Hexagram 56, Travelling​

Key Questions​

What do you bring with you into each new situation?
What does this place ask of you?

Oracle​

'Traveller, creating small success.
Travelling, constancy brings good fortune

 

[diamant]

What is my next step? 39.1 > 63
Proceeding with anything will lead to trouble. Don't undertake anything new, as your very next step. Come back to the usual, and let everything fall in its usual place (63). If this was about furniture, it would mean don't rearrange the furniture, just put them back where they're usually located.

What will be the results if I move away/out on my own? 29 UC
You'll encounter the exact same danger. So I agree with the idea that this is first and foremost an issue within yourself to solve. Only you know yourself better than anyone else does, but from what you've said so far, you sound as if you feel both 'entitled' and at the same time a 'people pleaser'. So both yourself and your partner sound as functioning on the master/slave spectrum (regarding general behaviour, not only sex).
That spectrum shows that the person hasn't reached real adulthood. The slave is childish, the master is pretending to be an adult but is not. A real adult is someone who promotes both their own life and new life; someone who nourishes children and others, and makes sure they are progressing; someone constructive, not destructive.
It's great that you're seeing a therapist and in general putting effort into this. In my experience, it's easier for someone to get out of that spectrum if they have compassion. The less compassion and empathy, the more impossible it becomes to get out and become an adult. The reason compassion and empathy are so helpful is because we can learn to apply them to our self first (show compassion towards our self first, not allowing our self to remain in destructive situations).

What will be the results of sticking to this current path? 7.2 > 2
You'll manage to come on top of all her other lovers, to have a better position in her army of lovers.

What is comfortable and familiar about Xanati? Why am I still drawn here? 42.1.3.4.5 > 56
42.1 she makes you feel important.
42.3 you enjoy unfortunate events.
42.4 you like it when others ignore you and make it known to you.
42.5 you feel kind and silent.
56 you feel lonely, like a stranger.

a touching dream about a tree in the wrong place (parking lot)
You feel like the only stable presence (tree) in a place where too many strangers come and go?

 

[redoleander]

42.1.3.4.5 > 56

I wonder if it’s that 1) it starts out seeming great and full of potential. Both are trying to leave the past behind by starting a new connection. 3) You bond through difficulties and problems (so, you become attached but much of it is through problems and pains), some kind of power dynamic is established 4) That power dynamic continues, you move in together (maybe moving the city is someone giving up their own life to try to be part of the other’s?) 5) You become more honest and loving and try to speak your truth. You do kindnesses that will one day be repaid somehow, if you are sincere in your efforts.

It seems mixed and complex, like most things. No, it’s not all bad. But 42 > 56 sounds like Increasing Instability to me. Instead of becoming more stable over time, it becomes less.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Wow, yes, spot on Redoleander. I am becoming conscious of my own "master" or pretending behavior. It is very tied into my family of origin as the oldest, having a lot of parental responsibility places on my shoulders and caring for disabled and sick siblings. And I do want to end this cycle of attracting partners with learned helplessness with whom the master/slave dynamic plays out.

This week I have been making adjustments, instead of escaping into the fantasy of moving out and finding the 'perfect soulmate.' and it is still difficult but progress is being made. Today after she called me "weak" in an argument, I directly communicated my anger in a safe way, and did not let her get away with evasion as she usually does by labelling my reaction "negative energy."

It felt good to hold the line. And she became much kinder after. We had a wonderful visit to a museum and connected over the spiritual and historical content of the art, which is exactly what I had been craving.

I could see in her demeanor some authentic respect developing. In trying to be so patient and "good" (and of course failing, like a clogged pipe breaking) I have really let her disappointment and prejudices define me, disrespecting my own internal power and building resentment.
Today was a 10/stepping moment in which I engaged the tiger and was not bitten.

The parking lot tree dream, interestingly, resulted with the tree being extracted partially, as its roots were breaking the pipes beneath the ground. When they burst, a sapling was able to be pulled off of the main trunk and relocated. I woke with a very fresh feeling of hope in the unknown fate of that new tree.


Re: line 4 of the last reading, yes I absolutely left my entire life behind when the pandemic began, as my current housemates and friends moved away, and moved to a smaller town to join in her life. It was a choice I felt forced to make by circumstances, rather than desire, and doing so exposed traumas and weak/corrupted spots in my own personality as well as her life and home.
Hence all the 18.

I am very humbled by this series of readings and interpretations. At the beginning of our relationship I did a reading with animal cards that stunned me with the intensity. In my position was a cobra, in hers a water dragon and the relation between us a vulture and a crow, signifying spiritual corruption & purification & cleansing. I have carried that reading with me through all these troubles and feel we are near to reach the line 5, of speaking truth, doing kindness and repaying one another's kindnesses.

It does not matter so much to me anymore what the far future of the relationship is. When the time& opportunity comes to make a further decision it will be apparent.

Many thanks.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

The final hexagram 56 is also associated with travelling which we have been talking about a fair amount. On the road is when our relationship is closest, and I also thrive when taking frequent trips by myself as it restores my soul to visit new places as a stranger. We also have frequently discussed moving cities, or countries even in the distant future. For reasons of both our identities there is a deep restlessness and sense of not being "at home" in our current town & state. We both grew up here and have experienced much alienation from the suburban, religious and cultural pressures of this place.

So perhaps that is the larger context. Her alienation and sense of being a stranger in her home, resonated with me and drew us together.