4.3.6 & 35.4 rat in the wall & Saturn return

[kestrelw1ngs]

Greetings on the Ides of March!
My Saturn Return has begun as of this week, and already been a potent kick in the pants. I'm still without employment and emotional issues/overthinking holding me back from getting a job.

Today I asked "what do I need to do to take hold of my life and overcome emotional problems from my family?" and received the 5 Skills Rodent 35.4>23
to quote Hilary, this squirrelly rat has "a myopic mentality, without greater purpose, always feeling threatened and exposed, and motivated primarily by the fear of loss." That is exactly where my head is at!! How I feel about myself in relation to them, how I perceive their mentality in life.
Not to mention the imagery of doing so many things, none fully or well. Living in sewers and walls instead of being out in the sun. "Its okay to come out" says 35. But I'm used to being a rat in the walls, slinking around avoiding traps, afraid to commit to any path fully. If anyone has watched the Pixar movie Encanto, my personality has become like the character Bruno who (SPOILER) literally lives in the walls of his family home watching them eat dinner together, apologetic and fearful of their shame about him. No coincidence that he was coded as gay

So I asked "What is holding me back in this place?"
4.3.6>46
These two changing lines of hex 4, 4.3.6. are also recurrent readings. To me they summarize emotional immaturity quite well, a habit of being impressed and fawning over other's accomplishments, or being harsh and judgmental over other's faults.

Line 3:​

No use to marry the woman.
Seeing a firm man,
she is not herself.
This lacks a beneficial purpose.

Losing oneself when being impressed by someone. Such servility is not good for either party.

Line 6:​

Attacking ignorance.
It is a disadvantage to turn into an enemy:
One better guards against enemies.

Attacking someone for being ignorant (by insult, condemnation or disdain, for instance). This turns one into an enemy, and people guard against enemies. It won't educate, and it will reduce one's influence.

Well, I can understand that.
What I can't understand is how to 46 advance past these longstanding mental habits! They bother me to no end. The opposite energy seems to be the confidence that comes from knowing who you are. Right now, I simply don't! In my mind, family and community is the origin of identity and belonging without positive connection to those origins (I try to reach out but its like a glass wall between us), I feel lost, irresponsible and empty like a prodigal son. Or a drifting stranger with no commitments beyond his own wanderlust.

I asked how to combat these faults and received 45 UC. Time to join a cause or a group? Maybe worry less about finances and find some kind of spiritual motivation? its clear being alone & listless is driving me bonkers.

any insight on these lines?
thanks!

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

well I got it in my mind to ask one more question, "What then is my vocation/what do I love to do?"
45.5.6>35
uncannily, the first result in Shared Readings for this casting was user TwoGeese asking the same question, also mentioning being an artist who focuses on the topics Midwestern Americans (like my family) tend to avoid and hidden parts of the self!!!
forum members suggested set design and theater, TwoGeese eventually coming to a realization they needed a period of grieving around their art and accepting the call to be creative in a group setting.

Thanks Gene,
I find your responses very grounding I wanted to keep the question as broad as possible but I think I just managed to confuse myself. Very interesting take- I used to want to be a therapist until I started working in that environment. Now that is the furtherest thing from my mind
However I can see this as relating something else- as I have said in previous posts- I am an artist. Much of my subject matter has been about things that we, as a culture (midwestern american), are not comfortable talking about or looking at. I can see bringing the "shadow" so to speak into the light and gently showing people their experinces this way- I am not a very patient person when it comes to other peoples' issues but I am good with grappling with the hidden parts of ourselves.

Of course everyone has a different context for their answers.
But this resonance is uncanny. I recall previous tarot readings advice that my art would be blocked until I could "find a creative community" but also last reading I received from a friend, using the Wild Unknown animal deck, they pulled a card that represented me suspended between two heavy cards representing my mother and father - The Lovers. The image?
two geese flying over a rainbow!

 

[Liselle]

I'm looking at this too late at night to try making any sense of it, but 35.4 seems like an odd line to get for what to do. Might need a lot of thinking about.

I agree with the uncanniness.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

I'm looking at this too late at night to try making any sense of it, but 35.4 seems like an odd line to get for what to do. Might need a lot of thinking about.

I agree with the uncanniness.

it seems like one of those moments Yi answers a different question than is being asked.

 

[marybluesky]

Despite the popular belief, the Saturn return (2017 to 2020) was a good, empowering period for me. To the point of being overly optimistic.

Your take of 35.4 seems to the point. You should throw away caution and strip the walls away. Easier said than done, I know.

4.3.6>46. Hmm. You should find your "self" and not consider your family an absolute enemy, but resist the improper influences. Start from here and go up little by little.

 

[my_key]

well I got it in my mind to ask one more question, "What then is my vocation/what do I love to do?"
45.5.6>35

45 <> 35

'Bringing Together' through 'Proceeding Forward' (Huang)
'Great Works' through 'Flourishing' (Karcher)

You vocation is to:
45.5 - Walk towards joy
45.6 - through overcoming hinderances.

... or the reading might mean something else for you.

Good Luck

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you. There are many challenges but I like to believe I am doing what needs to be done day by day.
The rat might be that urge to control and manipulate and worry the situation trying to hurry what is needed, that gets in the way of being oneself and advancing step by step.

Now it might be fun to name my OCD thoughts "The Rat" and imagine them gnawing away in a wall instead of running my life.