44.6 music and willpower

[kestrelw1ngs]

Back again.
I have some opportunities to join a few punk/hardcore bands. I cannot believe it! My biggest dream.
Yet it scares me the discipline required to make this dream real.
I have not been preparing, wasting decades in abuse, living for others ideas of me, drama, having a fatalistic attitude and struggling with life.

I do not trust myself to actually make music or do anything other than talk big game. It's a coping mechanism of masking my cognitive disability, autistic struggles to get through life. Plus, addiction and bad habits - I have failed myself so many times in small things it has damaged that self relationship BADLY.

the fear is of trying to bite off more than I can chew, disappointing myself and proving once again to everyone I am a joke, a clown who can play a persona but does not put in the work to match it.
But most of all proving to myself I can't beat this naive, complacent, and easily frustrated side of myself. That the music I crave to make is out of reach for someone with my life.

I get deeply angry at the abuse and neglect I was programmed with, to become a "pure perfect Catholic woman" who serves others, and puts all value in finding a husband, and not receiving physical therapy or any kind of intervention for learning disabilities like my brothers got. It still colors my mindset, distracting me with childish fantasies of someone coming to save me.

I wonder with real support earlier on if I could be now living with passion.
All these men playing the music that feels so right in my soul have been goofing around, being themselves, playing guitar and bass and drums and generally expressing themselves since they were teens. While I was trying to force myself to become some false image and hardly moving or breathing!!! that they would want! Humiliating.

it pisses me off.
which adds motivation to make heavy music! Somewhere to put that rage.

but pure emotion =\= craft & hard work to create the music.

I have identified as a victim and had such a childish mentality publicly, thinking it would get people to help me. Of course it only made them discard & dislike me.
Many people have treated my art, anger sincere efforts to make a difference like I'm funny, stupid or "cute" or easy to wave off, harmless. It is hard not to agree - I often let barriers stop me from being myself, demanding what was needed, or tying harder. I took the easy route of excuses and "meekness" and passivity or giving up. Went with the program, or played dead.
Persistence has never been my strong suite.
I learned not to insist, annoy, or disrupt! All along this brought me nothing but shame over my cowardice.

today feeling these things I saw the image of a small anxious white hare running around pursued by a big snarling wolf, then playing dead, crying out for attention, dramatically. The wolf clearly hated the hare for not being as powerful as itself. It was not a pure hunt but a nasty one motivates by despising weakness. And the hare made a few limp efforts but in the end, it was only a hare and destined to be prey. It cried but kept on running.

this is the feeling I have now.


anyhow I asked Yi:

"What can I do about my willpower?"
44.6>28

It is not quite enough...what, the resources?
Interesting that 44 should show up with the difficult male -female relations.

 

[Ichingtarot]

Hexagram 44 IMHO speaks about self control. (AKA Willpower) Self contol can sometimes feel like a self made prison. Making music is complicated. Leonard Cohen said it took him 5 years to write "Hallelujah". Bob Dylan said it took him 10 minutes to write "Blowin' In The Wind'. Everyone's creative process is unique. 44.6 says don't blame yourself. This is part of your creative process. Don't waste your energy fighting windmills.

 

[Hans_K]

Hi Kestrelw1ings,
Given your story, there are, in my opinion, so many layers to the answer you received that I decided to give some thoughts on this answer and not really an interpretation. You can then translate it for yourself to the level that resonates most for you.

What stands out in the answer is that both hexagrams have H1 as the nuclear hexagram.
So, when you see the nuclear hexagram as the essence of the answer/situation, both hexagrams express a different aspect of that essence.
When you talk about (will)power, H1 is the ultimate expression of it. It is the pure yang energy: creativity, action, directed outward, ideas, power, undertaking something, etc.

H1 expresses itself in H44 as contacts, drives, instincts, in H28 as independence.
The type of (will)power in H44 and H28 however differs.
In H44, the power has to be shown, it is an outward display. It is the title and rank of the prince that give him power regardless of his own condition.

Image H44
...
Thus, the prince disseminates his commands
And proclaims them to the four corners of the world.

H28 shows an inner strength/power, it is inherent to the person. It does not need to be shown to the outside world because it is just there.

Image H28
...
Thus the superior person, when he stands alone, is unafraid,
And if he has to renounce the world, he is undaunted.

The upper trigram Heaven in H44 generates Lake through the moving line at the 6th position.
This is about outer control/focus/power where not only is it no longer needed, it has no influence,. It has no effect, and perhaps even the opposite effect. .
Lake advises to face the world joyfully and carefree, to interact with others on the basis of equality.
The Heaven - Lake combination also shows self-confidence/self-worth in interaction with others.
So you could see H44.6 <> H28 as an encouragement to show strength not in a superficial way through action, but from within.

In H44, the inferior, the weak (yin) creeps into the hexagram from below and thus begins to affect the yang energy/the power.
The answer shows that there is an inner power present, but there is something (almost) unconsciously/secretly gnawing at that.
Could that "something" perhaps be the story of past events? Those events have no doubt been traumatic for you, but don't let the story about them become part of your identity, as it erodes the (will)power, which you undeniably have.

H44 <> H28 can also be read as building up yang energy that at some point has no way out.
The yin lines at the 1st and 6th position in H28 makes that the yang energy of the other lines have no outlet, hence the Judgemet text of H28 says that the ridge pole sags.

These are just a few thoughts on the answer you received, hopefully you can do something with it. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you both.
I cast and posted this in a real moment of angst.

As for "the story so far" yes, Yi often reminds me to find joy and clarity in the present - I am currently setting up some extra sessions of therapeutic intervention to release distress from the past.

Hans, wow, the 44<>28 ridgepole resonates, the trapped yang energy with nowhere to go. The masculine energy trapped between feminine lines, weighing down and even breaking the "ridgepole"

As I have disclosed elsewhere on this forum, I am a transexual man. This image describes my inner feeling of a creative male spirit trapped in the social inscription of womanhood on my body, building up frustration. Imagining a dragon ping-ponging on a ledge between two pits -

The insecure always try to prove their worth through actions and words, dominating others...it's more work to address & heal the low self worth within the heart (28 to me is the image of a heart pumping blood in and out).

Will and emotion meeting like a boat cutting out across a stormy sea - perhaps the will that wins is that which respects the sea's power, not whoever is most headstrong. The sea ....music?
This is how my mind works! images and their relationships.

Hmmm much to nibble on over breakfast (today's cast was 5.5>11)

I am humbled by the Yi! Thank you!

 

[Hans_K]

The sea ....music?

I had completely forgotten that your post also talks about music and wanting to make music.
Music is the exchange between the musician and the audience for the purpose of entertainment and sometimes being touched in some way on a deeper level. As such, music can therefore be associated with trigram Lake.
Trigram Wind is about the inner blueprint. So the combination Lake above Wind in H28 can be read as the inner blueprint (Wind) expressed through music (Lake).
Figuratively speaking, the sagging of the ridge pole (tension and stresses approaching a maximum) can be "solved" by making music.

 

[rosada]

44. has to do with resisting temptation and 44.6 warns will power alone is not enough. It says will power eventually 28. Collapses and thus it is better to avoid the temptation in the first place. This may require strong measures - like not joining the group at all or making it clear to your bandmates you will not join them in the after hour carousing etc. that typically goes with the theatrical life. 44.6 comments you may have to be quite emphatic about this and may get some derision.

Bottom line I see this answer as advising that the potential for getting involved in negative habits is real and to make plans and arrangements that give your better angels support - don’t rely on just will power.

Interesting how the image of 44 is about spreading one’s message in all directions - like touring with a musical group?!

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

44. has to do with resisting temptation and 44.6 warns will power alone is not enough. It says will power eventually 28. Collapses and thus it is better to avoid the temptation in the first place. This may require strong measures - like not joining the group at all or making it clear to your bandmates you will not join them in the after hour carousing etc. that typically goes with the theatrical life. 44.6 comments you may have to be quite emphatic about this and may get some derision.

Bottom line I see this answer as advising that the potential for getting involved in negative habits is real and to make plans and arrangements that give your better angels support - don’t relay on just will power.

Interesting how the image of 44 is about spreading one’s message in all directions - like touring with a musical group?!

thanks Rosada - I feel my question is misunderstood here, I am not concerned about negative habits with the bandmates, rather my own habits in general in life. and taking on too much.

they are all more practiced musicians than me. I have "fiddled" around with many instruments but not made much progress yet and have to unlearn bad habits around fundamentals. my heart is really in drums, I just started lessons in bass.

however thank you, this advice makes me think for now it is wise to save the embarrassment and be honest about my limitations, humble my ego to play a more supporting role (such as photography, music videos...backup dancing?). there are plenty of things to do as crew.

perhaps by spending time around real musicians I will get a better idea of the work required to play onstage. and more motivation.

i write lyrics and "catch" melodies all the time, and want to train for vocals, crave the heightened emotion of feeling them fully realized as music through my entire body...but both central people in these bands have strong personalities and write their own songs. so not a place to force my will and "break" the emotional connection.

i asked
"what ought to guide my relationship with these bands?"
51.1.3 >49
shocks - no real loss. That's a pretty good picture of "WAKE UP CALL"!!!!!

music is collaborative. and both of these bands are formed by survivors who have had difficult lives and choose to create the space they wish to see in the world. I've gotten so sedentary, and emotionally stagnant, sort of entitled, from traumatic events. its like the music is challenging me to let go a LOT of childish coping mechanisms & insecurity, and be willing to be bad at a new skill. and join something that is so important to me - I might have to make sacrifices to be serious about it.

49....I just moved states and am changing in all aspects of life - spiritual, career, romantically, politically, creatively.
it is a lot to take in, and much work to do.

 

[Trojina]

The answer was 44.6 and so the line and what that says are paramount IMO. I don't feel the actual line has even been considered as yet.


'Coupling, your horns.
Shame.
Not a mistake.'

In my own experience one goes into something to explore, investigate, feel it out and this is the 'coupling' and it's forceful yet it is 'not a mistake', usually because one needs to thoroughly investigate this intrusion or new opportunity or whatever the 44 thing is presenting.

So first you decide what the 44 thing is here. The question is about your will


"What can I do about my willpower?"
44.6>28"

It is not quite enough...what, the resources?

It doesn't say it's not quite enough it says it's plenty since if one is 'coupling with horns' one is really wrestling with something in a fairly aggressive way to get to know it and what it's 'about' and moreover it is 'not a mistake' to do so and yet still there is 'shame'. How can that be? Well in real life the application I have found the most is something comes up (44)for you, here it could be your willpower as that's what you asked about yet it could also be the opportunity itself I feel. In 44 that thing that arrives is not something to connect with forever but something that disturbs, shakes up, intrudes, changes things. Obviously this can be a creative thing or not. By line 6 you're at the end of 44, you're placed to really see this thing for what it is. As it's 44 you really probe into it and there's shame involved but also a rejection of that thing. That is after it has been investigated it is rejected after seeing what it really is. The 28 of 44.6 would be the bypassing of the whole situation, top heavy, investigated, moving on = oftentimes rejection of the opportunity/unusual offer/situation and so on.

I'd guess after really looking into this you may find you don't want however you did ask about your will and what to do about it presupposing it was all to do with your will I guess rather than the actual opportunity. If it is a direct answer, and of course it could both answer the will question and the situation then you kind of go as far as you can with investigating....I think this is very much a line of what they call 'sticking one's nose' in, not being shy of finding out and then you move on you don't carry what you've found into your life because it's not what you want. You may end up rejecting the willpower thesis as a basis of your problems and you may end up rejecting the offer of the band and while there is shame involved in these you haven't made any mistake in grappling with it. It's important to note there can be 'shame' where there is 'no mistake' and the shame can come from things just not working out as one thought. I've had it for looking into somewhere to live, seemed ok, but when I 'coupled with horns', went and 'stuck my nose in' and asked neighbours about the location I found out this was not an offer I wanted at all and I am glad I spoke to them. Yes I felt the sort of shame where you go full into something and then out the other side (28).

None of this is any reason not to go full in to see what is on offer as it, my ideas, may not apply in this case and it was about your will and I can't help leaning to see it about the band too. Also the 2nd question looks quite lively but I wanted to add that perspective on 44.6 as I have had so many experiences of a similar nature with it. Actually one being with a group of people renovating an arts space involving a great deal of work. So I looked around, asked a great many questions, saw the enormity of what they were asking of 'volunteers' and while the vision was somewhat inspiring in the realm of ideas it was way way beyond doable, even feasible, in the actual world. So there there was this offer, and 44 is quite like pushy marketing actually, a spark of what might be...investigation in line 6, can this work and the 28 of 44 here is this source is toppling over investigate and move on. I did and the project in which many were involved never really came to fruition and the building was sold off. There was 'no mistake' in me exploring the option and I recognise the 'shame' as well it just not being viable, that kind of feeling when you've started to invest and then you think 'ah no actually this isn't going to work...'.

So if after exploring the opportunity and it doesn't work I don't think it will be a failure of willpower on your part since this isn't really a line of not enough willpower at all, just a line of some offers (and 44 can be offers out of the blue) not being all you thought or all they seem which is just part of life really isn't it. A big experiment. Such experiments do get tiring admittedly but still we are kind of set to have them. In your shoes here though for sure I'd get stuck in to see what it's all about anyway....but not take it as a personal failure if it turns out not to be for you.

 

[Hans_K]

this advice makes me think for now it is wise to save the embarrassment and be honest about my limitations, humble my ego to play a more supporting role (such as photography, music videos...backup dancing?). there are plenty of things to do as crew.

Really?
The above is similar to my explanation of H28 where the yin lines at the 1st and 6th positions limit the yang power.
Here, you limit yourself in advance based on an idea (from someone else). I believe you should at least try it once before saying you are not good enough.
Another point is that it is not primarily about whether you are good, but whether you get pleasure and satisfaction from it yourself, whether it is a channel to express yourself with.
In my opinion, with so much yang energy, H44 and H28 are not hexagrams that recommend playing a supporting role

i asked
"what ought to guide my relationship with these bands?"
51.1.3 >49

H51 the shock prompts change and renewal, both inwardly and outwardly.
H49 is the revolution, a revolution takes place when the old is no longer adequate and so something new must come, it is unavoidable.
Renewal and leaving the old behind thus seem to me to be the guide for your relationship with those bands.

 

[my_key]

hi kestrelw1ngs

"What can I do about my willpower?"
44.6>28

44 <> 28

44 speaks to meeting and connecting to a new fate. This is something that you are invited to encounter in a welcoming manner.

Have no illusions that the stormy sea you swim in feels like a crisis, the shake up that is happening is just what the doctor ordered for you. Will power is an absolutely vital ingredient of your survival armoury when it comes to finding directions to go, when ridge poles are sagging. in times of crisis. Will power allows for you to make decisions from where you can stand alone without fear and move forward without melancholy (28).

Will power is a powerful ally in times of crisis, anger not so much. It is important that when you meet them you know which one you are dealing with, especially when your ridgepole sags. Never conflate the two. They are far from being one and the same thing.

44.6 - You are meeting / coupling with distress when, actually, there is no need for you to do this. Unlock your horns, from what you are mentally tangled up in, and you'll be able to encounter a greater flexibility, that will return you to a place of wisdom and to being able to hold a clearer balanced perspective on matters.

i asked
"what ought to guide my relationship with these bands?"
51.1.3 >49

51 <> 49

'Rousing' through 'Skinning'

The guide that will best wake you from your slumbers, regarding your relationship with these bands is you. We have a phrase in the UK that speaks of 'getting your knickers in a twist'. Unravel the twist, that currently resides adjacent to, and painfully constricts, your crowning glory. Correct the stance you are taking, and this will allow a more natural and comfortable freedom of movement to seep into your world bringing with it a wealth of new opportunities for you to grow into.

... of course, there may be other interpretations that will resonate with you more comfortably.

Good Luck

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Another point is that it is not primarily about whether you are good, but whether you get pleasure and satisfaction from it yourself, whether it is a channel to express yourself with.
In my opinion, with so much yang energy, H44 and H28 are not hexagrams that recommend playing a supporting role

point taken. in all the excitement of being asked to join and anxiety of being "good enough" I haven't really slowed down to consider the satisfaction in playing.

Will power is a powerful ally in times of crisis, anger not so much. It is important that when you meet them you know which one you are dealing with, especially when your ridgepole sags. Never conflate the two. They are far from being one and the same thing.

44.6 - You are meeting / coupling with distress when, actually, there is no need for you to do this. Unlock your horns, from what you are mentally tangled up in, and you'll be able to encounter a greater flexibility, that will return you to a place of wisdom and to being able to hold a clearer balanced perspective on matters.

Hm. Chewing my cud over this....you know you're onto something.
Historically rage has been a way to sort of "jump start" my engine that gets stalled by fear or clogged by self-doubt - its a palette cleanser of clarity! but more of a spark & a wildfire than a long-burning temple lamp. i get fired up, then burn out.

willpower might not be the notion I'm searching for after so much as DEDICATION.

in moments of crisis, such as when a people are attacked by an outside force attempting to take their land, perhaps rage, fear, disgust can be powerfully motivating. but without a strong inner love & dedication to their country, how can they make wise decisions to mount resistance?
i think i consider having to "force" myself to learn when there's really a more natural way to go about gaining confidence. a music friend has agreed to help me learn theory and with her i can ask even the "dumb" questions.
all these bands are about friendship anyhow.

'Rousing' through 'Skinning'

The guide that will best wake you from your slumbers, regarding your relationship with these bands is you. We have a phrase in the UK that speaks of 'getting your knickers in a twist'. Unravel the twist, that currently resides adjacent to, and painfully constricts, your crowning glory. Correct the stance you are taking, and this will allow a more natural and comfortable freedom of movement to seep into your world bringing with it a wealth of new opportunities for you to grow into.

thank you. my knickers have been absolutely bunched. correcting the stance might just be....shaking it out.
i appreciate your thoughtful reply.