52.2.3>4 approaches to friendship

[kestrelw1ngs]

hello again,

it's funny, with big readings or practical decisions now I prefer to sit with them for awhile and do my own interpretation.

but simpler questions feel more uncertain, I suppose closer to the heart...maybe too close to trust my own understanding. so that's what I'm bringing here today.

_________
I've recognized a pattern with myself in social groups that keeps me on the outside of things, more an observer, not taking initiative.
I can't change features of my self such as autism, or anxiety, or disability that lead to this, and have wasted a lot of time trying to explain them online.
But today I asked the Yi how to work with and advocate for my self differently for different results. And was expecting a more strategic answer.

See it's very easy for me to become an outsider, if I fall behind or miss social cues, or don't take initiative bc so often I say the wrong thing, hurt feelings, people see it as lack of desire to connect. I can watch it happen in any sort of group, if I don't exert energy towards assimilating and copying others, which doesn't feel connective anyhow. I'd like to own my energy and share it.

Often by the time I notice cliques form, it feels too late to change my position... because my processing lags, a bit like that joke of how British comedy specials can't play on Saturday nights or everyone will be laughing at the sermon Sunday when they finally get the jokes. A day late and a dollar short is a narrative that's confined me for a long time.

"How can I make myself available for the kind of friendships I'd like?"
52.2.3>4


Today after a dance class I heard several groups of people speak of going swimming together. It struck my heart. That what I really want in life is some friends I feel comfortable and relaxed enough with to do things like go swimming after work, or just sit and crochet or nap in a park - maybe a partner too but it doesn't matter to me what any relationships are called, it's that I am so tired of settling in familiarly with people who mirror the shame, or fear, and sense of codependency of having to save the world and help everyone all the time, or who don't understand this way of relaxing, who have to be in control or are resentful and bitter or worried all the time, or are like me masking our autism or very isolated by pain and disability or mental illness or post traumatic stress.

I understand now it's possible not to judge people for these traits, or struggles, or myself, or even others for leaving us behind since they are just following their own natural rhythm and desires.
And in some way it feels, to be able to enjoy life with more relaxed people, I have to give up that passionate intensity and power and knowledge of the shadow side of life, and willingness to dig into difficult topics that has come with those more intense relationships. Maybe this is a bias of my previous experiences with privileged people.

Still what my life seems most to be missing is that human element, of being together with a family or group of friends and accepted, nurtured by simple presence, trusting it won't fall apart, that I can advocate for myself enough that they'll understand when I go through a depression or lose my speech or become very intense in mood, or express myself fully, it's not a signal to disconnect from me.

Yi giving resulting hexagram 4 seems to be pointing at this being a childlike way of thinking.
52.2 and 3 both speak of nervous tension. But not that it's an error, necessarily.

Maybe that this isn't a desire I can do much about, for now.
But I'd like some other eyes on the reading.
Thank you

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

As an aside, this is part of the grace and draw of the Yi - seeking the elusive Superior Man within my self and others who has the range of spirit to love and enjoy life, to connect with people but also face it's shadows, fight injustice, and stand alone.

Maybe I am looking too hard or in the wrong places for people devoted to a similar path. Some of life's best experiences only come about when you stop wanting and grasping at them...

 

[Hans_K]

Doesn't H52.2.3 show exactly the situation you describe?

See it's very easy for me to become an outsider, if I fall behind or miss social cues, or don't take initiative bc so often I say the wrong thing, hurt feelings, people see it as lack of desire to connect. I can watch it happen in any sort of group, if I don't exert energy towards assimilating and copying others, which doesn't feel connective anyhow. I'd like to own my energy and share it.

This is trigram Mountain, both inwardly and outwardly.
Mountain is introspective, inward looking and sets clear boundaries in the outer world so that there is distance.
However, there is the desire is for something else:

How can I make myself available for the kind of friendships I'd like?

The bottom trigram representing the questioner, has moving lines, there is movement in the status quo.
Mountain is the immobile form and in this case turns into Water, the formless and flowing. Mountain with moving lines in position 2 and 3 is about being too hard on yourself by holding on to things or ideas (from the past). Hence the text of both the 2nd and 3rd lines talks about the heart not being glad (line 2) and the heart suffocating (line 3).

When only the 2nd line moves, the result is H18: working on those things in yourself that stand in the way of movement/progress. When only the 3rd line moves, the result is H23: falling away from things, collapsing of that which no longer works.

The resulting hexagram is H4 Youthful Inexperience, and here, I believe, is the answer to your question, namely an open attitude that allows for learning and experiencing. This is possible when you clear inner blockages (ideas, beliefs about yourself).
The lower trigram Water in H4 has on the one hand the function of washing away the old, as it were, but also the function of the unknown. H4 is Water under the Mountain. A spring at the foot of the mountain whose water has yet to begin its journey.
The text of the Image of H4 says "A spring emerges from beneath the mountain: This is the image of Youthful Inexperience. The superior person acts with resolution and so cultivates his character."

I hope it is of some use to you. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest

 

[my_key]

"How can I make myself available for the kind of friendships I'd like?"
52.2.3>4

'Keeping Still' through 'Childhood'

Childhood is a time of nurturing, ripening and growing in awareness, and Yi advocates that this time is used to nurture specifically your power and virtue i.e. release the mature part of yourself that is currently hidden away(4).

This nurturing act can be best achieved through finding ways internally to still that part of your character or make-up that is causing the friction in your world. There may well be things that you can limit or gently bring to an end that are creating the friction you feel when you engage with others. When you relax people around you will relax and relaxed people will be attracted to you.

52.2 - Focus on yourself, your inner world and in particular what your heart is saying to you rather than the other words that drown out your inner dreams. When your heart is glad you will be too.

52.3 - The transition you are seeking will be difficult for you, especially if you hold onto beliefs you see as being right. Rebalancing is required through letting go of your limiting thoughts and beliefs. The more you hold onto what is being said in your head rather than just following your heart, the longer will be your discomfort.

... or there might be other interpretations that sit more clearly with you.

Good Luck

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you both for these gentle interpretations.
It was funny, two days after posting this I was invited by someone I met to go out swimming at a lake with his friends.
And now we are exploring a relaxed, casual and enjoyable connection. But emotions and fears coming up especially around these beliefs of not belonging. And I have had to communicate them - luckily unlike other people in my past experience he has been understanding, and soothed them by making clear to include me.
So in a sense it has been illuminating this exact issue of realizing feeling like an outsider came from specific experiences and overcoming those habits of thought.
Many losses and things falling apart look different considering in those situations I could not feel belonging and continue to develop as a human being in connection.

I have also read a few books by people recovering from cPTSD this week. And come away understanding that people can sense self -hatred even when it is masked. And learning to love the self and open to loving others begets more of the same.